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Published on May 18, 2020

How to Change Yourself and Live the Life You Deserve

How to Change Yourself and Live the Life You Deserve

“Am I where I want to be? Am I living the life I deserve?” These are all questions we have asked ourselves over the last several weeks as the world has been upended. These are tough questions that each of us has likely had to answer at some point. Did you like your answers? Or did they force to you face a truth you had known all along?

What needs to change is: You.

I’ve been there. Thankfully, once you are aware of what needs to change, you can begin to do what is necessary to change it. Changing “you” may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it’s 100% worth it if when your done, you get to live the life you know you deserve.

Taking personal inventory in this way isn’t easy. You’re brave for being honest enough with yourself to admit that you need to change. In this moment, there is a disconnect between who you are and who you know yourself to be.

When those two things are out of alignment, it can feel impossible to live the life you deserve because there is no clarity of vision or purpose. When this disconnect is present, the best way to create positive, sustainable personal change is to cultivate self-love, bolster your self-esteem, and reconnect with your true self.

1. Cultivate Self-Love

When self-love is cultivated, the challenging work of changing yourself is softened by the balms of patience and self-compassion.

Change is hard enough on its own, especially when you know that you’ll inevitably face obstacles along the way. Cultivating a healthy sense of self-love will allow you to be gentle with yourself as you navigate any unavoidable challenges. Knowing you love yourself unconditionally will anchor you when your journey gets tough.

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Getting unstuck can be uncomfortable. You might feel vulnerable as you confront the things about yourself that are contributing to the status quo. Change is a process, one that requires you to exercise patience and compassion with yourself. It’s okay to be vulnerable with yourself; it means you’re being honest.

Each change you make moves through a cycle – pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.

Pre-Contemplation

During the pre-contemplation stage, you are not actively seeking to change your behavior, and in some cases you may not be aware that a change is necessary. Yet, external influences may resonate with you on a deeper level, beginning to peak your curiosity or interest in potential change.

Contemplation

Once you move into the contemplation stage, change is on your radar. You have realized that there is change that needs to be made, and you are considering making it.

Preparation

The preparation stage is all about getting ready for the change. You are actively doing the mindset work and strategic planning so that you can do what is necessary to make the change you desire. At the conclusion of this phase, you truly believe that you can and will change.

Action

Action is the next logical stage of the change cycle. You have done all the preparation, and now it’s time for you to make your move. It’s time for you to take that initial action that will catalyze the change.

Maintenance

The maintenance stage begins once the initial action has been taken and new behaviors have been established for a period of time. This final stage is all about adjusting to your new normal. It will be important for you to continue to engage in the practices that will help you ensure that this change is sustained in the long-term.

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Its important to remember that these cycles are not linear, and it can take a few rounds for the change to stick. As a result, self-love is essential to successfully changing yourself. Without it, surviving the change cycle and all the resistance that comes with it is almost impossible.

Self-love “acknowledges your basic worth but also requires that you take care of that worth by actively nurturing yourself … through loving behavior.”[1] Being loving towards yourself can take many forms, from writing yourself a kind letter to taking a moment to reconnect with your breath. Yet, the most important are self-compassion, non-judgment, and patience.

Like flowers in a garden, these concepts need to be cultivated. The practice of mindfulness can help to cultivate self-love. Mindfulness teaches you to bring your mind to a place of gratitude for the now. Intentionally taking the time to slow down, acknowledge the truth of now, and embrace the positive about that reality while still noticing the negatives is an act of radical self-love.

2. Bolster Your Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is fundamental to not only believing that you’re capable of change but also that you are worthy of the effort required to achieve what you truly desire.

To change yourself for the better, you have to not only believe that you can change, but you must also believe that you are worthy of the life that positive change will bring. At the core of that belief is your self-esteem.

Put plainly, self-esteem is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Trying to change yourself could cause you to have some negative feelings about yourself, which is why it’s important that we do the work of cultivating self-love first. It is advantageous to be anchored in a knowing that you will patiently, compassionately, and unconditionally nurture yourself through the tough spots as you are in the process of starting to implement change and holding yourself accountable.

A strong sense of positive self-esteem is critical. Your sense of self-esteem is based on the evidence you’ve gathered from your experiences and connections. You did a good job at work, thus you feel good and you believe you can do it again. The positive experience provides you with evidence that naturally bolsters your self-esteem.

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Your relationships are another well spring for positive self-esteem when you maintain healthy relationships with people who you believe in and admire. When those people then believe in you, their belief makes you believe in yourself a little more.

It takes a lot of courage to follow through with and maintain new behaviors that will sustain a long-term change. If you don’t believe that you can or that you’re worth it, then you’re fighting a losing battle.

3. Reconnect With Your True Self

The final member of this conceptual trinity is the true self. Reconnecting with your true self is imperative to successfully creating sustainable change for yourself. At the moment, you are out of alignment; there is a lack of consistent authenticity, and you’re over it.

It’s not that you are by nature inauthentic, but rather that you’re behaving in a way that does not align with your core of who you know yourself to be. You may even feel as though you are putting forth a façade. Therefore, it would be almost impossible to feel as though are you connected and in alignment with your true self.

Deepak Chopra describes the true self as the purest part of yourself[2]. He eloquently summarized the five key characteristics of the true self as: Love, Peace, Stability, Clarity, and Certainty, all driven by a deep sense of Truth.

Love

Love from the true self comes from within. There is no need to seek it from external sources. It simply exists without condition or expiration, in perpetuity without end. It is an internal spring that never goes dry.

Peace

Peace is the nature of the true self, its anchor. It does get rattled by the everyday foolishness of life. The true self is grounded and does not desire to alter its experience constantly.

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Stability

When the true self is in its natural state of peace, grounding takes place that produces stability. There is a sense of calm, that everything is as it should be in this moment.

Clarity and Certainty

The true self eliminates the potential for confusion because it’s not influenced by external forces. As a result, it is clear and certain. It knows its direction and sticks to it without hesitation.

Truth

Lastly, the true self is categorized by an understanding of our collective oneness, as well as balanced objectivity in which it bases all of its actions. Those two factors summarize what drives the true self – a deep sense of truth.

One way you can minimize resistance you may experience when working to reconnect with your true self is by gently reminding yourself of a truth you already know intuitively: Your true self is good.

Embracing the actuality of your true self is freeing and challenging. It will allow you to begin to distinguish the authentic behaviors, beliefs, thought patterns, and feelings from the inauthentic ones. Once you possess the ability to do that effectively, you’ve successfully set yourself up to not only change yourself for the better but to undoubtedly set out to live the life you deserve.

Final Thoughts

You are capable of change. You are worthy of the life you deserve. Life can be hard, and as a result anyone could lose their way. Unexpected circumstances can cause your self-esteem to take a hit. Along the way you forget to love yourself unconditionally, and you accidentally disconnect from your true self.

When you get ready to commit to change remember to trust your tribe – explore what evidence they can provide that naturally bolster self-esteem. Furthermore, patience and compassion are the keys to self-love, and always stay connected with your true self – it is the purest part of yourself, and it will never lead you astray.

More Tips on How to Change Yourself

Featured photo credit: Brooke Cagle via unsplash.com

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Awilda Rivera

Success Coach - Author - Speaker - Yogi - Advisor

How To Take Action Towards Your Goals Right Now Feeling Out of Place in Life? 5 Ways to Get Back on Track How to Change Yourself and Live the Life You Deserve How to Get Your Life Together When You Feel Overwhelmed How to Gain Self-Knowledge and Live up to Your Potential

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Last Updated on August 10, 2020

What Is Life About? 9 Ways to Find Your Meaning in Life

What Is Life About? 9 Ways to Find Your Meaning in Life

What is life about? What is the meaning of life? Why do we exist?

Everyone, from ancient Greek Stoics all the way to modern lifestyle gurus, have answered these kinds of questions in an endless variety of ways. And yet, we still search for a satisfying answer.

Neither this article, nor any other one, can deliver a tangible solution to the curious case of life. And that’s okay!

The truth is, part of what makes the meaning of life so alluring is its engrossing diversity, mystery, and intangibility. However, it’s important to point out that the lack of a solid answer doesn’t mean it’s not worth looking for one. The search for what life is about is a journey that each individual person must embark on for themselves. Each person must look for their own, uniquely fulfilling answer to the question.

Fortunately, there are many different behaviors, ideals, and actions that humans have found over the centuries that can be excellent methods to draw us towards that final, inner conclusion of why we exist. Here are a handful of ways to kickstart the adventure of finding out just what life is really about.

1. Love People

Like life, love is one of the most commonly discussed yet, elusive things that humans encounter. Is it a behavior? A lifestyle? A person or object? A relationship with God? It’s used in all of these ways, depending on the context.

However, one thing that always remains is that love is a powerful force for good. Many of the most meaningful things in life are borne out of love — whether we’re loving things, others, or even ourselves.

One of the best ways to find the meaning of life through love is to practice connecting with our families. From parents and siblings to a spouse and children, loving our family is a powerful way to grow in our knowledge and appreciation of what life has to offer.

A spouse, children, friends, life partners, and strong platonic relationships provide a unique and powerful feeling that is difficult to find anywhere else. This is largely because they’re intimately connected to the eye-opening, natural desire to reproduce and leave our mark on the world through posterity.

2. Detox from Technology and Gain Perspective

Next up, we have the extremely important need to detox from time to time. Modern life is fraught with dangerously addicting distractions like social media, that can take up gobs of time without our ever even realizing it. And the effects can go beyond simply frittering away time. In fact, one study suggested that perhaps as much as a staggering 30% of divorces originate with Facebook interactions.[1]

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Life doesn’t simply happen in a vacuum, though. Once you’ve managed to disconnect from those devices and social profiles, it’s important to take that time and energy and redirect it towards a healthier mindset.

Spend time meditating, praying, and even simply dwelling on an attitude of gratefulness. Find things that you’re thankful for and make an effort to express appreciation for what you have on a regular basis (you know, rather than envying others as we scroll through our Facebook feeds).

One of the keystones to life that numerous wise men throughout history always hearken back to is the simple appreciation, gratefulness, and thanks that come with a good perspective.

3. Look for Meaningful Ways to Give Back

Donations and charities aren’t lacking these days. In fact, the phenomenon of charitable giving is at an all-time high. Awareness has skyrocketed in the age of information, and Americans gave a record-breaking $410.02 billion to charity in 2017 alone.[2]

But just because we know how to give doesn’t mean we’re really, truly invested in giving back to others. Real, honest giving doesn’t come out of personal abundance and overflow, nor does it typically take the form of a crisp dollar bill. It comes out of a desire to help others — a desire that can be huge in helping to get a healthy perspective of life.

If you want to find out more about life, consider genuinely giving back to the world around you. Don’t just scrounge up your extra cash and give it to a cause someone else is passionate about.

Find out where your own passions are. What needs and hurts in the world get your heart racing and your mind searching for a solution? Find those, then invest yourself. Give until it hurts. The results are exhilarating. This article can help you: How to Find Your Passion and Live a Fulfilling Life

4. Try a Hobby

While we’ve already talked about what we can do for others, that doesn’t mean a little self-care isn’t needed once in a while too. We’re not talking about indulging those shallow, fleeting desires like a bowl of ice-cream or a trip to the spa, though.

Small treats are perfectly fine, but they don’t go very far in helping us truly appreciate life itself. Instead, try looking for a new challenge.

A challenge can be the perfect formula for helping to open our eyes to the beauty of the world around us. They provide value without the perpetual responsibility and financial concerns that come with our careers and professional lives.

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Find a hobby that indulges your interests and simultaneously challenges your skills. Dive into a pursuit that has always intrigued or fascinated you, but you’ve never had the time to explore on your own. Practice a new instrument, go fly fishing, try painting, learn a language — the world’s your oyster! This list of 50 low-cost hobbies will inspire you.

If you’re thoughtful in your selection, you may even be able to pursue an interest that can inadvertently develop your life skills and possibly even add to your resume.[3]

5. Overcome Insecurities

Let’s circle back around to the personal, inner thoughts and behaviors. One of the critical elements to a life well lived — and thus better understood — is overcoming insecurities.

Let’s start by stating the obvious: Everyone has insecurities.

Sometimes those insecurities are a bit difficult to pin down and see for what they truly are. One of the best ways to rise above the fears and anxieties of life is to work on your insecurities. Try to practice mindfulness, look for thought patterns, analyze your behavior, and identify when you’re being influenced by insecurities.

The more you become aware of your own insecurities, the more you’ll be able to rise above them, prevent selfish behavior, and enable yourself to do things that would have been impossible before.

If you’ve been trapped in a job you don’t like, for instance, due to insecurities about financial failure or peer pressure, overcoming those insecurities at their roots will enable you to move on somewhere else, to ask for that promotion you’ve been eyeing, or even simply move horizontally within the company in order to find better work that better satisfies your personality and talents. [4]

6. Never Stop Learning

Twelve years of structured school (not to mention a mini-career arc through college after that) can leave many of us feeling like we’re done with academics, school, and learning in general.

But the truth is, learning should be a lifelong process. Healthy humans are always in a state of learning. They see what’s around them and want to learn more, understand more, and see why everything is the way it is.

This doesn’t mean you need to manufacture a desire to start reading textbooks on calculus in order to see what life is about. It’s simply an encouragement to start to take an interest in the world around you. Investigate, probe, and learn more about things that catch your interest, and your passion for learning will start to grow on its own before long.

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For instance, even if you pushed yourself all the way through a masters degree already, don’t close the book on your academic career quite yet. Consider going back to school (no matter your age) in order to get a post-master certificate. [5] This won’t just give you an edge in the professional arena; it will also serve as a way to satisfy that inherent desire to learn.

While that’s just one example out of many, the point is, it’s important to find ways to continue learning and growing on a regular basis.

7. Go Minimalist

It’s easy to hear about concepts like “minimalism” and think about extreme lifestyles, like Buddhist monks living in barren temples up in the mountains. But the truth is, minimalism is an easy lifestyle to adapt even in the cluttered, materialistic West.

If you take small steps like avoiding purchasing unnecessary new things, storing seasonal items, and generally decluttering, you can ease into a minimalist mindset without much trouble.[6]

This doesn’t just help with finances and your cleaning schedule, either. A life with less clutter often leads to a clearer, more grateful mindset. And a grateful mindset can be a key part of gaining deeper insight into what this life stuff is really about in the first place.

8. Travel

You saw this one coming, right? Those that seriously travel tend to gain a deeper perspective of life as a whole. The trick is, though, you can’t go into your travels as a fanny pack-touting tourist that’s only interested in “seeing the sights” and hitting up the pristine beaches.

Here’s a good litmus test for you: if you expect everyone to talk to you in your native language as you travel, you’re not in the right headspace.

If you take the time to travel, make sure to do so with the specific purpose of seeing the world outside of your own comfort zone. How are other cultures different from your own? How do other geographic areas affect how people live? What does a developing or war-torn country truly look like?

If you set out with this perspective, you’re much more likely to have your heart and mind opened in ways you never could have expected.

9. Try to Be More Aware

Finally, we have one last, gigantic call to action: be more aware.

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If a person can truly foster the ability to pay attention to everything around them, they develop the ability to break free from the self-centered mindset that all humans naturally slip into when we’re not paying attention.

Just to clarify, this isn’t a call not to pay attention to your own thoughts and needs. They’re important too. In fact, the Dalai Lama said,

“One must be compassionate to one’s self before external compassion.”

Whether it’s ourselves at first or others afterward, truly developing the ability to be aware of and empathize with the life that goes on in and around us is a critical part of understanding just why we’re all alive in the first place.

So, What Exactly Is Life About?

Hopefully, by this point, you don’t really expect an absolute answer to that question. On the other hand, you may not feel it’s a hopeless inquiry, either.

Remember, the reason we don’t have a good answer about what life is about is that it’s too complex to fit into words in the first place!

The complexities and nuances of a “good life” are so profound that they take an entire lifetime of exploration — both of ourselves and the world around us — to even begin to formulate an answer. And even then, we’ve typically only scratched the surface.

When you break it down, the meaning of life is so deep and valuable, it’s worth chasing, even if the end goal is only to catch a glimpse of the glory that keeps us all moving forward day after day.

More About the Meaning of Life

Featured photo credit: Emma Dau via unsplash.com

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