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Last Updated on July 9, 2018

10 Toxic Persons You Should Just Get Rid Of

10 Toxic Persons You Should Just Get Rid Of

Is it time to do some spring cleaning with the group of people who make up your circle of acquaintances, colleagues and friends? There are probably some toxic persons in there who are undermining your confidence, betraying your trust, and spreading negativity. There is no escaping the fact that we cannot live in total isolation, as we are social animals. We need to find empathy, compassion and positive stimuli to survive in the jungle. To avoid shutting off from everyone completely, here are 10 toxic persons you should get rid of or, at the very least, avoid as much as possible.

1. Those who soak up your time like a sponge.

These may be family members or friends who seize your time like bank robbers! Yes, you have heard it all before. They repeat the same old refrain and there is nothing for you to gain. Friendships need a give and take.

As soon as you ascertain that they do not even want help or can’t offer you affectionate support in return, it may be time to drastically reduce your exposure to these people or just get rid of them. They will waste too much of your time, if you let them.

It may be impossible to get rid of family members, though. So try a few tactics like switching off your phone at certain times of the day or simply invent urgent messages or callers. We all need alone time.

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not defined by another person.” – Oscar Wilde

2. Those who criticize you far too often.

Nothing wrong with a bit of honest and fair feedback. But when you find that certain people are engaging in constant criticism, it may be time to take action. When the criticism is not constructive in any way, you might even drop them a hint that they are going to lose any friends they have left.

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You can also always tell them that their constant criticism is not helpful in any way and it upsets you.

3. Those who play the victim all the time.

These are the experts at the blame game. They never take ownership of their own shortcomings or mistakes. They are the victim and it is never their fault! It always seems to be the fault of their colleagues or their upbringing which never really gave them a chance.

These people just have to be avoided at all costs and avoid being pulled in, because they may start to involve you in their blame game.

4. Those who have a negative mindset.

These people spread negativity like a contagious disease. Try to get vaccinated by avoiding them at all costs. These people get into a negative downward spiral and it is sometimes difficult not to get dragged down there. These are the people who are always anxious, worried, pessimistic, depressed and complain a lot.

You need to get rid of them because if you want to live longer, a positive outlook will add years to your life. One Yale study has found that having a positive attitude to aging can help you live seven years longer.

5. Those who lose their temper and zap your energy.

These are the ones who really drain your energy. Why do you have to absorb their silly and sometimes childish outbursts? We all have difficult moments. Keeping self-control will test us to our limits and we usually have ways of controlling it. Letting off steam may help these people but why should you have to absorb the fall out?

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These short-fused people are underdeveloped psychologically and their emotional intelligence is hovering around zero. There is no need for them to be part of your inner circle.

I remember having to witness my doctor insulting, berating and screaming at his son on the phone while I waited to have a check up. It was awful having to listen to all that. Needless to say, I changed my doctor as soon as I could!

6. Those who show no compassion or empathy.

You do not want these in your inner circle either for the simple reason that they are not capable of lending a sympathetic ear or understanding your problems when you need them to be around. These people have personality problems and some of them display narcissist tendencies.

They do not have the ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes. This is the key to social interaction and sound, ethical behavior. That is why you do not want them around you.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity can not survive.” – Dalai Lama.

7. Those who are dishonest and lie to you.

“Lying is done with words, and also with silence.”- Adrienne Rich

Some friends will swear secrecy when you tell them something confidential. When you find this information is now common knowledge, you may well be furious and decide to end the friendship. But dishonest and untruthful people can also do harm in many other ways. They may lie to you about their debts or if they are having problems at work. They may also be insincere and lie to you about what they think of your behavior when you ask them for feedback.

These people can only damage friendship over time because trust, truthfulness and honesty are the most precious qualities in any friendship. If they do these things, they are not worthy of your friendship.

8. Those who are manipulative and will exploit you.

There are some friends who just want to use you to get an introduction to an important person you know, a job interview or even a date. They use gossip as a weapon and there is always a hidden agenda. They are angling for that job so they will make sure you do not apply.

They will tell you scary stories about the job, the boss and the miserable salary. They are just reducing the number of contenders to their advantage.

Manipulative friends know how to extract information from you or get you to reveal certain weaknesses which they will then use against you. They will exploit your generosity and your social conscience and will rarely give anything in return. You can soon spot it if you are the one who is always the giver or the one who pays for everything! These people have to be avoided because they are using you.

9. Those who are deliberately hurtful.

These people have a range of tactics and remarks which can be very hurtful. It might be your parents criticizing how you are bringing up your children when your own upbringing was nothing to write home about. It could be an off the cuff remark, which is sly or hurtful, and leaves you feeling wounded.

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Sometimes, people make nasty remarks which call into question your own honesty, diligence or ability. Other occasions are when friends fail to deliver on their promises such as not doing you the favour you requested or just forgetting to call you.

These are hurtful tactics that you should not overlook and have to put up with. These friends and family members seem to be more intent on laying mines than displaying warmth, affection and support. That is why you need to get rid of them.

10. Those who are stressed out.

Did you know that humans are programmed to think negatively and they are always worried about safety, health and survival? Anthropologically, this makes sense, since as cavemen, things were not that great. It is amazing how this built-in stress is still with us today. That is why, when stressed out people appear in our cubicles or phone us, we have to be ready to withstand them.

And there is no shortage of these people, as between 75% to 90% of all visits to the doctor are stress related! Research studies show that any exposure to stress in the long term will affect our brains and performance.

We have enough stress of our own to deal with, without having to deal with stressed out people hovering over us. We need to distance ourselves from them to survive.

How have you have managed to get rid of toxic persons in your life? Let us know in the comments!

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Featured photo credit: couple silhouettes on the beach with horses via shutterstock.com

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Robert Locke

Author of Ziger the Tiger Stories, a health enthusiast specializing in relationships, life improvement and mental health.

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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