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Last Updated on November 27, 2020

How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself And Get Back Up

How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself And Get Back Up

Everyone reading this has felt self-pity at some point in their lives. As it is with life, not everything will go according to your plans. You tend to make mistakes and fail. Then, how does this make you feel? You feel crushed, defeated, and slowly, you start feeling sorry for yourself. Through absolutely no fault of ours, things just simply don’t go as well as you hoped it would.

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality.” ― John Gardner

This is all normal. It does feel terrible when you’re stuck in this state for far too long.

However, the situation becomes dangerous when you feel sorry for yourself so much that it becomes a part of you. The first stage of getting better is recognizing that you are addicted to feeling this way.

This guide aims to help you get back up by giving you all the tips you may need to fight such an overwhelming feeling.

Feeling Sorry for Yourself: Knowing When to Stop

“It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished, Mrs. Miracle.” ― Debbie Macomber

Is it wrong to feel sorry for yourself?

The answer is no. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself because it’s a natural human emotion. It becomes wrong when it starts to consume you too much, to the extent that you are throwing big pity parties now and again. After all, when you experience it, there is a lot of exaggeration involved.

You amplify your misfortune more than it actually is. A deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness engulfs the fabric of your being. The feeling may also be accompanied by the belief that no one understands you, that you are not appreciated despite how much you work hard for yourself and the people you love.

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You may even start thinking that you will never get anything useful out of your life anymore. This self-destructive way of thinking can push you to go out into the world in search of attention and pity. However, not many people would notice it as they are also consumed by their own thoughts, feelings, and problems.

People are out there, dealing with their baggage of issues as well, and that’s just the reality. You have to work on getting out of the black hole yourself. Feeling entitled or victimized — as if things are much better for everyone else except you — will get you nowhere.

Better yet, turn your emotions into something positive. Use it to produce radiant energy that works for you in more ways than one. The pity party will continue to be unsatisfying, leaving a void that you can probably never fill. But it can also be the start of some much-needed introspection.

You can convert your self-pity into zealousness to grow and challenge yourself instead of wasting valuable time by being unproductive.

7 Steps to Help You Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself

“Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have,” — Dale Carnegie

Feeling sorry for yourself has massive secondary gain. When you’re engrossed with self-pity, you feel a bit of dopamine rush as you feel good at the moment. You feel free to complain and moan and sigh as loud as you want.

Nevertheless, it only lasts for a short while. You will realize that it is never enough, and that’s when you begin to get addicted to the feeling.

Here are a few tips on how to express your emotion through the right channels.

1. Concentrate on Your Breathing

When you feel the ugly thoughts of self-pity creeping in, try to calm your mind and body. This way, you can think clearly and become more level-headed.

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How can you do this easily? Sit down and close your eyes. Then, breathe deeply through your nose, hold it in for a few seconds. and let it out slowly.

Don’t let any other thought come in at this point. Focus only on the air that goes in and out of your lungs. To avoid finishing the exercise too late or too early, you can set a two-minute timer on your smartphone.

Taking deep breaths may seem insignificant, but it is instrumental in relaxing the mind. Deep breaths enhance our ability to memorize, concentrate, and focus. That burst of oxygen going to your brain will help you achieve the clarity you need at that point in time. So, instead of letting doubts take over your entire being, spending less than five minutes to breathe deeply will bring a sense of calmness in your system.

2. Tap Into the Feeling of Gratitude

The truth is, no matter how bad the situation is, someone is having a more terrible time somewhere. Yeah, it sucks to picture someone else’s misfortune, but when you’re about to be overrun with self-pity, ask yourself an important question first. Is there someone out there who has it worse than me?

By doing so, you are giving yourself the liberty to see things from a broader perspective. You’re not just focusing on your terrible situation and thinking about yourself alone anymore. Now, follow up this question with three things you are grateful for. There are some things that you probably take for granted in your daily life, but they are crucial to your existence.

They don’t have to be something so grand. You may feel grateful for having a roof over your head, for instance. Millions of people don’t even have that bare minimum. You may also be happy about having three square meals and clean water every day. Thinking of such things is enough to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

3. Embrace Optimism

How about looking at your situation as one more lesson in life? It helps to be more constructive about your predicament. For example, if you’re feeling sorry for yourself because you just lost a promotion spot for the third time, look for the optimistic side of this. Ask the relevant questions: Why does my dream position keep slipping away? How can I get it right?

Yes, you are allowed to feel upset for losing something so important to your career, but think about how fulfilling it would be to finally get it. Picture yourself in that new post and how you can feel more proud of it when you succeed against all the odds.

A dash of optimism is perhaps all you need to discover the hidden errors denying you of something you want badly and give you the strength to try again.[1] Look at those moments of failure as an opportunity to learn a game-changing lesson rather than as a door into self-pity land.

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4. Embrace the Emotion

Remember that it’s perfectly normal to feel sorry for yourself. You are human, and it’s all part of our psyche. So, don’t waste your energy in fighting it. Be okay with that moment of weakness in which you see everything through a negative lens.

However, set a deadline. Giving yourself a short time to embrace the emotion allows you to thoroughly process what has happened. This situation may have caused shock, a flurry of thoughts, or intense emotion, but take it all in now. We are all familiar with some cases wherein we have tried to push away feelings to make ourselves believe that we have the strength to carry on as if nothing happened. How did that turn out? Most times, it never ended well.

Pushing emotions aside can make them pop up at unexpected times when you’re not ready to deal with them. It’s quite common to see people conceal their emotions because they don’t want to appear weak. Still, denying your experiences will not erase them.

You become a warrior by facing those painful experiences and moving on bravely. Feel free to cry a river, but when you’re done, build a bridge over it. Even if it is only ten minutes, savor that moment and then dust yourself up as you focus towards moving forward again.

5. Lend Someone a Helping Hand

One keyword in self-pity is “self.” When you feel it, you are focusing on a single person: you. Have you ever thought of directing all that attention to someone else? Focus on adding value to another individual. Whether it is a close friend or a random stranger, it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you have that moment of respite to proffer solution to someone else’s problem or just lend a listening ear. It will get you out of your head, and you have the extra perk of feeling good when you genuinely help others. It’s certainly amazing to see someone’s face light up and know that it’s because of you.

So, this action doesn’t have to be grand. You can help out by assisting someone with moving or giving valuable advice for a crucial decision. Alternatively, you can simply listen while they vent. Kindness works wonders, and it may help you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

6. Take A Social Media Hiatus

We’re all familiar with the pressures that come with social media. On these platforms, everyone is focused on giving the illusion of a perfect life. The happy faces, countless vacation pictures, and flawless family photos could be a significant contributor to your self-pitying habits.

A lot of people start feeling sorry for themselves when they believe that everyone else around them is doing so much better than them. At this point, taking a break from social media is beneficial. You see only what people want you to see, and you don’t need someone’s fake life belittling what you have achieved on your own.

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A social media hiatus allows you to dedicate some time to yourself.[2] Engage in other activities to make up for it instead. You can try watching movies, reading a few books, hanging out more with your loved ones, or taking up an exciting hobby. It’s all up to you.

7. Set Realistic Daily Goals

Your attitude makes a whole world of difference. When you feel like you don’t have enough power to change a situation due to your terrible mental state, try to break it down. A task looks insurmountable until you break it into bite-sized chunks. It’s the same with your personal goals.[3]

Take some “me” time and reflect on what you want to change about yourself. Think about how you can improve your situation. Why are you feeling sorry for yourself anyway? Say, it may be because you believe that everyone at your office hates you.

Then, sit down and get your pen. Why do you believe that they don’t like you? What flaws do you have that are possibly contributing to this? It shouldn’t take more than a few minutes to brainstorm the little steps you can take to change this, especially if you plan one change per day.

The change can be as simple as smiling more, using daily words of encouragement, and being more proactive in your decision-making process. No matter how little it seems, it will make a massive difference in the long run. One day, you’ll wake up thinking that you have become a completely different person.

Nonetheless, it is a never-ending process that only looks easy because you have broken it down. With this, you will feel empowered and confident enough to see your life in a better light.

Final Thoughts

Stopping yourself from self-pitying is not an impossible task. Get started with the simple techniques above and overcome negativity successfully. All it takes is that determination and the right amount of energy to make this work. You can do this.

More on Dealing With Negative Emotions

Featured photo credit: Chad Madden via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Jacqueline T. Hill

Writing, Blogging, and Educating To Guide Others Into Happiness

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Last Updated on December 3, 2020

Why Negative Self Talk Is Bad for You (And How to End It in 3 Steps)

Why Negative Self Talk Is Bad for You (And How to End It in 3 Steps)

Everyone I have met in my life wants unlimited opportunities, better relationships, a healthy body, a forgiving heart, a sharp mind, amazing skills, and financial security. If we all want these things, why can’t we accomplish them? The answer is simple: negative self talk.

The reason why many of us can’t get there is because we have a critical inner voice inside our head that tends to be negative and convincing.

Our inner voice is trying to convince us that we are not smart enough, strong enough, or good enough to do what we want to do in life. This invisible enemy inhibits us from pursuing the life we deserve, leading to anxiety, depression, and a higher stress level.

If we want to reach our potential and improve our mental health, we have to take control of this inner voice and learn how to tame it and transform it into a positive force.

It is important for us to learn more about this negative self talk before we can tame it to become a helpful positive force. Let’s start with the 4 different types of negative self-talk.

Types of Negative Self Talk

Studies show that there are four main types of negative self talk[1]:

  1. Filtering
  2. Personalizing
  3. Catastrophizing
  4. Polarizing

Let’s go through these one-by-one.

Filtering

You magnify the negative aspect of every situation. For example, you gained three pounds this week. You focus on this, and you ignore that you have lost 20 pounds this month.

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Personalizing

You always blame yourself for everything. For example, you hear that your soccer practice got canceled, and you assume that it is canceled because no one wanted to be around you.

Catastrophizing

You always expect the worst. For example, you have a flat tire in the morning, and you automatically assume the rest of your day will be horrible.

Polarizing

You either see things as perfect or horrible. For example, you got mad at your son and lost your temper; therefore, you are a horrible parent.

Next time you catch yourself talking negatively to yourself, ask yourself:

  • Am I filtering the positive out of this issue?
  • Am I blaming myself for something that I have no control over?
  • Am I expecting the worst of this?
  • Am I seeing things as black and white?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, take a step back and consider what you can do to turn your thinking from negative to positive.

It is important to take control of these thoughts before they become beliefs. A belief is something that you are certain about. The sooner you address these negative thoughts, the sooner you can move your life and business forward.

3 Steps to End Negative Self Talk

It is clear that negative self talk hinders your progress and prevents you from living the life that you deserve. Here are three methods you can use daily to overcome this innate habit.

1. Respond to Your Inner Voice

In a recent HBR article, Erica Ariel Fox stated that the toughest conversations any of us can have are the ones that we have with ourselves[2].

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She mentions a story about Dominique, a high performing executive who has great self-confidence but a critical inner voice. Dominique commands everyone’s attention and respect, but not her own.

Dominique has a serious problem when she talks to her captivated audience. She has an inner voice in her head saying, “Why should they listen to you?” I’m a fraud. I can’t do this.”

Dominique’s inner voice will impact her performance if she does not learn how to turn it to positive self talk.

It is clear that Dominique is filtering out all of her positive abilities and polarizing the situation. She has a lot of good things to offer, and she is not a fraud. So, the author gives her one enormous piece of advice:

“Do not ignore your inner voice, respond to it.”

Many executives do not shy away from having hard conversations with others, but they avoid having difficult conversations with themselves.

She advises people not to ignore their negative self-talk, but to respond to it. If your inner voice says, “That was terrible parenting,” you can respond with, “I’m not a perfect parent, and I’m okay with it.” This will make you feel awkward at first, but it gets easier with time.

Instead of ignoring your negative self talk, try learning to identify and respond to it kindly. Practice positive self-talk every day. Do not allow negative self-talk to rob you of your potential.

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2. Be Kind to Yourself

Do not say anything to yourself that you would not say to your best friend. We often say things to ourselves that are unkind, unfounded, and untrue.

When you are passed over for a promotion, be kind to yourself. When you forget to drop your clothes at the dry cleaner, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, we are all imperfect, we all have bad days, but it does not make us bad people.

When Jon Gordon[3] was 29 years old, he was facing a divorce. His wife was tired of his negativity. He made a decision to change. He developed a positive mindset, and he started to drown out negative thoughts with positive words.

This approach saved his marriage and changed his life. He encourages his readers to be kind to themselves and to be positive. Gordon understands that being positive won’t guarantee that you will succeed, but he knows that being negative will guarantee your failure and destroy your relationships.

If your friends cancel a dinner plan, don’t assume that no one wants to be around you. Stop personalizing events, and start framing it correctly. Your friends canceled your planned dinner because they are busy, and it has nothing to do with you.

Always choose to be kind to yourself. If you are having a hard time being kind to yourself, surround yourself with positive, kind people who are willing to support you and provide you with immediate kind feedback when you start having negative thoughts. Extensive research shows that positive people surround themselves with positive friends that help inspire them to be positive.

3. Stop Trying to Be Perfect

If your goal is to be perfect, you will fail. Do not expect perfection.

No one is perfect. Embrace imperfection. The key to a positive mindset is progress and not perfection. If you expect perfection, you will be allowing your negative self-talk to seep back into your mind.

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As a perfectionist, you will strive to keep everyone happy, and that is an unrealistic goal. Every time you have an argument with someone, you will keep replaying the conversations in your head over and over. These conversations will be negative in nature. If you want to stop this negative self talk, stop trying to be perfect.

Most perfectionists keep comparing themselves to other people. This habit is an official invitation to your negative self talk to reenter your mind again. Do not compare yourself to anyone. You will always find others who are better off than you.

Instead, focus on being grateful for the great things that you have.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery expressed this in his bestselling book Airman’s Odyssey:

“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”

Be content of what you have, and stop worrying about comparing yourself to others. Always be grateful, and when you catch yourself with negative thoughts, think of all the things you are grateful for.

If you want some inspiration about what to be grateful for every day, here they are: 60 Things To Be Thankful For In Life

The Bottom Line

Next time you catch yourself being negative, do not ignore your inner voice. Respond to it kindly, and give up the need to be perfect.

You’ve got this!

More Tips for Living a Positive Life

Featured photo credit: Christopher Campbell via unsplash.com

Reference

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