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Why and How to Let Go of Your Self Pity

Why and How to Let Go of Your Self Pity

Dwelling on your misfortunes won’t make them go away (and it won’t make you feel any better). If you want to move on with your life but aren’t sure how, please consider these thought exercises that might help you let go of self-pity.

Even the most terrible storms pass in time.

“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.” ― William James

Self pity is a waste of your precious energy. No matter how terrible your life might seem, they are only as bad as you allow them to become in your mind. Please don’t allow yourself to become paralyzed by negative thoughts like, “Oh my God, there are so many things to do that I don’t know where to start,” because then you will, ironically, make a bad situation worse by putting everything off. Simply pick ONE action that you could realistically accomplish today, no matter how insignificant it might seem, and get it done. If you do that a bunch of times in a row, magical things can and will happen.

Throwing pity parties is counterproductive.

“The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.” ― Steve Maraboli

Writing this article made me think of a dark time where I found myself stuck in the trap of self-pity. Without getting into particulars, let’s just say I made a poor investment that didn’t pay off, had a few clients leave my online coaching program, and got hit with some unexpected bills (big ones involving car mechanics and power companies), all at the SAME time! Of course, I was right to be frustrated (who wouldn’t be?), but I allowed that feeling to spiral out of control until I became so emotionally devastated that I wasted more time in a depressed funk than I would like to admit.

Talk through the problem with a person you trust.

“There are no facts, only interpretations.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

After a few dreadful days where I didn’t do anything but pity myself, I finally found the guts to approach a trusted friend for advice. It was hard to be vulnerable, because admitting how bad things got so quickly made me feel like a huge loser, but I’m so glad I did it. He assured me that everything would be okay, offered suggestions about how I might make some extra income to ease the pain, and even told me a story about how he once found himself in a similar situation. Talking through the problem with a friend helped me shift my perspective. Instead of seeing myself as a powerless victim, I now saw myself as a person who the potential to take control of the situation.

Choose the thoughts you dwell on very carefully.

“A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

My shift in perspective gave me the encouragement I needed to crawl out from my self-imposed exile to the land of self-pity, but I’m not going to lie… there were still moments (lots of them) where I’d notice negativity trying to sneak up on me in the form of thoughts like:

  • “Why bother? You know you’re just going to screw it all up again anyway.”
  • “Do you really believe anyone cares what you think? No one wants to listen to a failure.”
  • “When you think things are turning around, you’ll find yourself in another situation just like this one.”

Do any of those thoughts sound familiar? If so, don’t feel like there is something “wrong” with you. We all struggle with our own mental monsters, and doubt is a common one that I know very well. I’ve discovered that these thoughts have no control over me as long as I don’t dwell on them. Don’t stop to consider every thought that runs through your head. Only reflect on the thoughts that empower you to achieve your purpose; otherwise, it’s not worth a moment of consideration.

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If you know anyone who might be having a tough time getting over self-pity, please feel free to share this article.

Featured photo credit: Memories of those days/Laura Cores via flickr.com

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Daniel Wallen

Freelance Writer

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Last Updated on November 15, 2018

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

What do you think it takes to achieve your goals? Hard work? Lots of actions? While these are paramount to becoming successful in reaching our goals, neither of these are possible without a positive mindset.

As humans, we naturally tend to lean towards a negative outlook when it comes to our hopes and dreams. We are prone to believing that we have limitations either from within ourselves or from external forces keeping us from truly getting to where we want to be in life. Our tendency to think that we’ll “believe it when we see it” suggests that our mindsets are focused on our goals not really being attainable until they’ve been achieved. The problem with this is that this common mindset fuels our limiting beliefs and shows a lack of faith in ourselves.

The Success Mindset

Success in achieving our goals comes down to a ‘success mindset’. Successful mindsets are those focused on victory, based on positive mental attitudes, empowering inclinations and good habits. Acquiring a success mindset is the sure-fire way to dramatically increase your chance to achieve your goals.

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The idea that achieving our goals comes down to our habits and actions is actually a typical type of mindset that misses a crucial point; that our mindset is, in fact, the determiner of our energy and what actions we take. A negative mindset will tend to create negative actions and similarly if we have a mindset that will only set into action once we see ‘proof’ that our goals are achievable, then the road will be much longer and arduous. This is why, instead of thinking “I’ll believe it when I see it”, a success mindset will think “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

The Placebo Effect and What It Shows Us About The Power of Mindset

The placebo effect is a perfect example of how mindset really can be powerful. In scientific trials, a group of participants were told they received medication that will heal an ailment but were actually given a sugar pill that does nothing (the placebo). Yet after the trial the participants believed it’s had a positive effect – sometimes even cured their ailment even though nothing has changed. This is the power of mindset.

How do we apply this to our goals? Well, when we set goals and dreams how often do we really believe they’ll come to fruition? Have absolute faith that they can be achieved? Have a complete unwavering expectation? Most of us don’t because we hold on to negative mindsets and limiting beliefs about ourselves that stop us from fully believing we are capable or that it’s at all possible. We tend to listen to the opinions of others despite them misaligning with our own or bow to societal pressures that make us believe we should think and act a certain way. There are many reasons why we possess these types of mindsets but a success mindset can be achieved.

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How To Create a Success Mindset

People with success mindsets have a particular way of perceiving things. They have positive outlooks and are able to put faith fully in their ability to succeed. With that in mind, here are a few ways that can turn a negative mindset into a successful one.

1. A Success Mindset Comes From a Growth Mindset

How does a mindset even manifest itself? It comes from the way you talk to yourself in the privacy of your own head. Realising this will go a long way towards noticing how you speak to yourself and others around you. If it’s mainly negative language you use when you talk about your goals and aspirations then this is an example of a fixed mindset.

A negative mindset brings with it a huge number of limiting beliefs. It creates a fixed mindset – one that can’t see beyond it’s own limitations. A growth mindset sees these limitations and looks beyond them – it finds ways to overcome obstacles and believes that this will result in success. When you think of your goal, a fixed mindset may think “what if I fail?” A growth mindset would look at the same goal and think “failures happen but that doesn’t mean I won’t be successful.”

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There’s a lot of power in changing your perspective.

2. Look For The Successes

It’s really important to get your mind focused on positive aspects of your goal. Finding inspiration through others can be really uplifting and keep you on track with developing your success mindset; reinforcing your belief that your dreams can be achieved. Find people that you can talk with about how they achieved their goals and seek out and surround yourself with positive people. This is crucial if you’re learning to develop a positive mindset.

3. Eliminate Negativity

You can come up against a lot of negativity sometimes either through other people or within yourself. Understanding that other people’s negative opinions are created through their own fears and limiting beliefs will go a long way in sustaining your success mindset. But for a lot of us, negative chatter can come from within and these usually manifest as negative words such as can’t, won’t, shouldn’t. Sometimes, when we think of how we’re going to achieve our goals, statements in our minds come out as negative absolutes: ‘It never works out for me’ or ‘I always fail.’

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When you notice these coming up you need to turn them around with ‘It always works out for me!’ and ‘I never fail!’ The trick is to believe it no matter what’s happened in the past. Remember that every new day is a clean slate and for you to adjust your mindset.

4. Create a Vision

Envisioning your end goal and seeing it in your mind is an important trait of a success mindset. Allowing ourselves to imagine our success creates a powerful excitement that shouldn’t be underestimated. When our brain becomes excited at the thought of achieving our goals, we become more committed, work harder towards achieving it and more likely to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

If this involves creating a vision board that you can look at to remind yourself every day then go for it. Small techniques like this go a long way in sustaining your success mindset and shouldn’t be dismissed.

An Inspirational Story…

For centuries experts said that running a mile in under 4 minutes was humanly impossible. On the 6th May 1954, Rodger Bannister did just that. As part of his training, Bannister relentlessly visualised the achievement, believing he could accomplish what everyone said wasn’t possible…and he did it.

What’s more amazing is that, as soon as Bannister achieved the 4-minute mile, more and more people also achieved it. How was this possible after so many years of no one achieving it? Because in people’s minds it was suddenly possible – once people knew that it was achievable it created a mindset of success and now, after over fifty years since Bannister did the ‘impossible’, his record has been lowered by 17 seconds – the power of the success mindset!

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