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When You Realize You Have Complete Responsibility For Your Life, You Become Completely Free

When You Realize You Have Complete Responsibility For Your Life, You Become Completely Free

You are in your apartment on a Saturday morning, snuggled under the covers. No one is going to tell you to get up. You don’t have to ask your parents’ permission to sleep until noon. Whether you choose to stay nestled under the blankets or throw back the covers and start your day, you are responsible for your own life. When you realize you no longer have to ask anyone’s permission to live and the decisions are now yours to make, you become completely free. Free to stay in bed all day. Free to get up and follow your dreams. You are also free to make mistakes, learn from failures and accept the consequences of your actions.

Release yourself from the blame game

Taking responsibility for your life means that you need to stop playing the blame game. It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming: blaming the current government for the lack of money in your paycheck, blaming cold tennis balls for a poorly played tennis match, or blaming red lights for your late arrival at work. The time has come to accept responsibility for your actions. Do you need to practice tennis more? Leave earlier for work or take another route? And as for your paycheck, the tax system was established long before the current presidency. Maybe it’s time to look into whether claiming allowances for dependents could reduce the amount of taxes taken from your pay. Maybe you need to ask for a raise or even change your job.

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By ascribing your faults to others, you are handing over control of your life. The only thing blaming others achieves is to make you feel powerless, a victim of circumstance.

Rescue yourself from the trap of the victim mentality. It will never serve you well in the long run. Do you want to be that person tied to the train tracks, waiting for a hero to swoop to your rescue, or would you rather pop out your handy Swiss Army knife, cut the ropes and defeat the villain yourself? Heroes always have more fun, and they reap the rewards in the end.

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Also, realize that there are things that are beyond your personal control, such as a snow storm or the outcome of the presidential elections. However, you do have power over how you react to those situations. To paraphrase the words of Charles R. Swindol: Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it. The next time you begin to place the blame elsewhere, stop and think. Shoulder your responsibility. Like lifting weights, doing this will make you stronger.

Build your self-esteem

Becoming responsible for your life and your choices builds self-confidence. It pushes you out of your comfort zone. You are no longer the victim, tossed around by someone else’s whims. As Steve Jobs said, “Stop living someone else’s dream and start living your own.”  When you have taken charge of your life, you have the ability to chart your own course. Owning your destiny is a heady, powerful feeling.

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Beware the fear-monger

Be aware of the nay-sayer inside of you. Everyone has one: that voice that tells you to be afraid of stuff. “Don’t jump off the high-dive,” the voice says, “it’s too scary; don’t ask that girl out, she’ll probably laugh at you; don’t send in that manuscript, it’s not good enough.” It’s an evil little voice that dwells in the negative zone. It wants you to be afraid of rejection and paralyzed by fear. It is afraid of letting you take control. Don’t listen to the fear-monger inside. Once you gain more confidence, those negative thoughts tend to shrink and the sway of the nay-sayer within diminishes.

Become the captain of your life

Once you understand that you can be free when you take complete responsibility for your life, you will unlock the shackles that have been preventing you from doing things you may have never even imagined. You have control. Total control. You are the captain of your life, and you can steer it in any direction you choose. You can even decide to drop the anchor and not go anywhere at all. Ditch the blame game and choose not to be the victim. Accept that failure can happen. Everyone makes mistakes. Face the consequences and move forward. Dare to dream, and make those dreams come true. Be the hero of your own life.

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Featured photo credit: Jill Wellington via pixabay.com

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Sally White

writer, artist & blogger

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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