Change The Way You See Fear And Change Your Life
When was the last time you took a risk? Not something major and life-threatening, but something that represented a step outside your comfort zone. Can you recall a time recently when you did something that felt uncomfortable for you? If not, get ready to take a major step forward.
Frequently, in business and in life, we get too comfortable. We find solid ground – a place that feels safe – we get comfortable, and we settle in. We’re programmed to do it. It’s how we operate. Look for safety and stay there. But these days, it’s imperative that we act against our programming to truly succeed and find our own greatness.
What’s holding us back? Ultimately, it’s fear. It’s almost always fear. Fear is the number one reason why people stay in their safety zones. It’s why people don’t start new businesses. It’s why people stop looking for love. But what are we afraid of? After studying fear for several years and working with countless clients who were letting fear hold them back, I’ve become convinced that when it comes down to stepping outside one’s comfort zone, there are really two things at work for most people: fear of success and fear of failure.
Fear of Success
Many people say they have a fear of success. What does this mean? It means that when these folks envision their success, they see the ways in which they’ll disappoint people, the ways they won’t be able to handle the success, the ways they’ll mess up their success… ultimately, I actually believe that a fear of success is a fear of failure in disguise. In my experience, most people aren’t actually afraid of success, but rather of failing after the success. They’re afraid they can’t handle it and they’ll fall much farther than if they’d never tried at all. It’s much more painful to fall from, say, a 20-story building, than it is to fall from a sidewalk curb. It’s the fall from the height of success that we fear, not the success itself.
Fear of Failure
Let’s look at fear of failure, since that’s at the core of what’s holding people back. I’ve recently updated my thoughts about fear of failure. I’ve been reading Seth Godin’s book, Tribes, and Godin has some absolutely profound and brilliant thoughts on the fear that keeps us in our comfort zones. In Tribes, Godin says that there’s a common misconception about a fear of failure. He says that the fear of failure isn’t actually fear of failure at all – it’s a fear of criticism. We’re more afraid of being judged for our failures than anything else.
So now that we’ve isolated this fear of criticism, what does one do about it? How do you conquer the one thing that gets in the way more than anything else- more than lack of skills, more than lack of knowledge, more than bad luck or anything else you might think of – how do you conquer fear?
How Do You Conquer Fear?
It would be easy for me to say that you just shouldn’t care what others think about you. What they say doesn’t matter, doesn’t define you, has nothing to do with you. I could easily say that. But the problem is that we’re not just subject to the criticism of others when we fail. We still have to face our harshest critic: ourselves.
But here’s the secret most people don’t know. It’s a secret that most successful people know. You don’t actually have to “conquer” fear. You have to master it. Mark Twain once said, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” Successful people aren’t people who conquered fear, they’re people who faced fear. They’re people who were afraid and did it anyway.
For example, one of the most prevalent, persistent fears people have is public speaking. It’s something most of us don’t do very often and it’s something most of us don’t particularly care for. I’m one of the oddities – I actually love speaking to groups. But like many others I know who enjoy public speaking, I get nervous before I go on stage. My palms sweat, I think about how I wish I’d never agreed to do the gig, and I think of all the ways I can get out of doing it. And then I step on stage anyway, and within a few moments, I’m actually having so much fun connecting to the crowd that I forget all the fear and just live in that moment. That’s mastering fear, folks. That’s what it’s all about.
A part of it is doing something over and over and showing yourself that you can do that thing. That builds confidence and confidence is a formidable tool against fear. Usually we’re afraid of the stuff we’re not very good at. What are you afraid of? Think about that for a minute and then when you have the answer, ask yourself how often you do that thing. If you’re not very good at something, you tend to fear it. If you make a decision to face the fear and forge ahead with courage, you’ll eventually make courage a habit- and you’ll master that fear.
So what’s holding you back right now? What are you afraid of, and how can you face that fear with courage? Here’s an exercise I give to my clients to help them face their fears:
Take out a piece of paper and a pen and turn the paper on its side so you’re writing across the long side. Make five columns on your paper. In the first column, make a list of the things that scare you the most. Then in the second column, for each of those fears, write down what is the absolute worst thing that could happen if your fears came true. In the third column, write down how likely the worst thing is to happen. Then in the fourth column, write down how that fear is holding you back. In the last column, for at least one of the fears you’ve listed, write down how you are going to face that fear. Make it tangible- give yourself an action to take and a date by which you will take that action. And follow through!
Look, everybody is afraid of something. The most successful people have mastered fear with courage and learned to forge ahead. Today, make a decision to forge ahead with something in your life or in your business. Make a decision to face at least one of your fears. Take a risk and get better at something you’re afraid of. Face a fear with courage and you’ll see payoffs emerging faster than you ever could have imagined.
WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY
Susan Baroncini-Moe
Susan Baroncini-Moe started her entrepreneurial adventures with a lemonade stand. Now, Susan is the CEO of Business in Blue Jeans, dedicated to helping you design a business you'll love or transform your business into optimized profitability. Learn more at BusinessInBlueJeans.com.Other links: Blue Jeans Web Sites and Susan's No Suits Allowed! E-zine.
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Comments
Tim says on February 13th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I love this post! The only thing in life to fear is fear itself! Who said something like that? Anyways, I am of the persuasion that dealing with fear takes practice.
Check out my post comparing my experience with contacts to stepping out of your comfort zone: Practice Touching Your Eye and Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Yes, But Still... says on February 13th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Exactly!: And a trick that I use is that if I’m feeling fear or anxiety toward something, that means I need to approach it.
In this way, you can use the feeling of fear to tell you what you need to be working on in your life.
Steven A. Lowe says on February 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
a favorite quote: the difference between an ordeal and adventure is your attitude.
this was illustrated amply one evening flying into LA during bad weather. The plane was bouncing around like a wild roller-coaster, most everyone around me was grim, white-knuckled, and/or praying. I was thinking “I’d have to pay fifty bucks for this ride atSix Flags” and enjoying it!. I think I even said “Wheee!” out loud a couple of times. There was absolutely nothing I could do about the situation except change my perspective: from terror to thrill-ride!
Vincent says on February 14th, 2009 at 1:22 am
Hi Susan,
Being able to master fear means that we are more able to step out of our comfort zone. By stepping out of our comfort zone, we can then explore uncharted territories that will bring much more opportunities and excitement into our life.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Elsa says on February 15th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Fear of success does exist. Sometimes people might think that if they were succeed, people would critcize them, hate them, jealous of them, etc. They might also afraid if people would create a website dedicated to bash and ridicule them when they were as rich and famous as Donald Trump!
JJ says on February 16th, 2009 at 10:13 am
What fear did you face?
Susan Baroncini-Moe says on February 16th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
JJ, I guess you’re asking me what fear I faced? Ah, but my list is long! :) I’ll give you a big one, though, because I suspect this is one that plagues a lot of people, too.
Probably the biggest fear I’ve faced is a fear of criticism, as Godin describes it in “Tribes.” Much of the criticism I experience is self-criticism- I have a tendency to be hard on myself and think I should do more, accomplish more, BE more than I am. Some of those critical, internal “voices” are what I imagine other people are thinking about me.
It took a very long time for me to realize that when I think that someone would think something about me, that’s really what _I_ think they would think, not what they actually would think. Most of the stuff we worry about with regard to others is actually just our own projections and I’ve found that knowing and understanding the concept of projections is an extremely powerful tool to helping me master my own fears.
Does that answer your question?
Catherine Cantieri, Sorted says on February 16th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Elsa, I think your comment actually dovetails pretty nicely with the post itself: fear of success can mean fear of criticism just like fear of failure can. It’s all about fear of judgment from others and ourselves.
I decided to start a business this year and I knew I’d be facing a lot of my fears doing that. So I gave myself a talisman; I ordered a ring with the word “Courage” on it from Etsy for $20. Now, every time I look at my right hand, I get to remind myself of my “word” for the year: courage.
Susan Baroncini-Moe says on February 16th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Catherine, I have something very similar! I have a ring from Ro & Me that says “Fearlessness” in Sanskrit. I love that sort of symbol!
And I totally agree with your response to Elsa. That’s exactly the point I was making in the article. Thanks!
Elsa says on February 16th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Hey, I’m thinking of doing the same stuff now…ordering a ring for reminding me stuffs…he2
Paul V Harris says on February 17th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I believe your article above is right on the money. It truly does take courage to face your fear. Most people let fear conquere them it is truly inspiring to see someone who looks at their fear and face it head-on as you did with your fear of public speaking.
The first step to mastering fear is recognizing that there is fear. Being truly honest with yourself. All fear resides in the mind. Master your thoughts and you will master your fears.
Paul V Harris
I specialize in showing you how to master your fear so you life of your dreams
it.
I have mastered many of my own fears
andrew says on February 20th, 2009 at 2:52 am
I am one of the many people who got stuck in the comfort zone. There is a desire to get out of the zone and explore some other options.
True, the fear always keep me from taking that major first step. All these are because of fears, not knowing what is waiting for us at the other side.
Comfort zone always have a promise that we know what we already have, like 9-5 job and a steady income. At the same time we got real tired and frustrated with the same routine and wanted some change. But the fear is always there.
mine says on March 1st, 2009 at 11:02 pm
i’m still young, i just 15. i know its kind stupid but my biggest fear is to face problem. just thingking to my self that i can get some problem if i do something its already make me cry.so i never do anything. i do really affraid to face problem. i’m affraid i will hurt someone, i’m affraid i will dissapointed my parents, i’m affraid i will loose my friends, i’m affraid i will make people hate me, i’m affraid if people will think i’m a freak-jerk-stupid-crazy-or whatever. so i always stop it without try it first. i feel so bad. cause i never try, i never know how it gonna to be. i just do nothing. i’m living with my fear. i feel so empty. i dont wanna be that kind of person again. i wanna do something. and i wanna fight my fear. thanks a lot susan :)
smilingcow says on March 12th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Hi Susan,
Can you give me some advice?
What about getting involved with someone whose I think (one of his) priorities is stepping out of the comfort zone all the time and my stepping out of the comfort zone will be small and in little steps?
Thanks in advance.
Susan Baroncini-Moe says on March 22nd, 2009 at 7:51 am
Smilingcow, I took my time answering this one because I wanted to give it a LOT of thought. I’m operating on very limited information here, but I’ll do my best.
When you get into a relationship with someone whose priority is stepping outside of the comfort zone and you’re someone who has to work really hard to step outside yours, that may cause some friction. As he wants to expand outside his comfort zone more quickly, there’s a chance that he could start to feel frustrated and held back by your slower pace.
That doesn’t mean that it can’t work, however. I think in a relationship like this, there may be times when you just decide to “sit this one out” if it’s too big a leap for you.
Stepping outside your comfort zone can have an “ebb and flow” to it. Sometimes you take some risks, and then you need to get back into that comfort zone for awhile and feel safe until the next challenge.
If he’s a patient guy and if he can respect when you decide something’s too big a leap for you without feeling like he can’t do what he wants to do, too, then I think you’ve got a shot. And (again, I say this without knowing any specifics) this could be good for you personally, smilingcow. Over time, the more risks you take and the more successful boundary-challenging experiences you have, you may find that you are able to take bigger and bigger steps.