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Published on May 14, 2021

I Hate My Wife – Why a Husband Would Resent His Spouse

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I Hate My Wife – Why a Husband Would Resent His Spouse

It’s hard to imagine while standing at the altar—watching your beautiful bride walk down the aisle—that one day, instead of a queen, there’ll be a witch in her place. What can possibly happen that turns your queen into a witch? Love into resentment? And makes you to say “I hate my wife?”

Resenting and hating your wife doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process spanning months and years.

If you are the “hated” spouse, what might you notice to let you know that something is amiss? Well, you might notice your spouse being less talkative, less playful, less affectionate, etc. Something just won’t feel right. Those ill at ease feelings can be subtle signs of resentment weaving its way through the fabric of your marriage.

There are a host of reasons why this can happen. In this article, I will enumerate a few of the common behaviors that can cause you to hate your wife and cause hatred to sprout in a relationship.

1. Contributing More Than Your Wife

I currently have a client who claims to hate his wife. “Mike” believes she is lazy—that she doesn’t lift a finger to help with the household or their two young children. No matter how many times he asks her to help out, she refuses, saying, “I’m busy and besides, it’s not that bad!” He started to hate his wife, and the resentment he feels is so deep that he is thinking of divorcing her.

In relationships, it’s important to have balance. Both partners need to talk to each other, discuss how to manage the house, the bills, the children, etc., preferably before the marriage takes place so that there aren’t any surprises. All the responsibility cannot fall on one partner. In the case above, Mike bears the burden of keeping his home clean and organized. And because it feels like too much after a long day at work, he lets it go. Then, the house looks even worse, and his resentment grows stronger.

Talk to your wife. Address the problem. There could be other reasons for the “laziness.”

For example, in the article What Should You Do if Your Wife Lazy, Sylvia Smith states,[1]

“There is always a reason why someone is not being productive. Your wife may be going through something that she is not willing to talk about. Initiate the conversation and openly discuss the matter. Tell her what you think about her attitude and ask her about her possible problems.”

2. Being Treated Like a Child

I’ve heard multiple women say, “Seriously, it’s like I have three kids!” The third one to whom they are referring is their husband. Imagine being thought of as the third child.

In the article, Why Treating Your Partner Like a Child Can Destroy Your Relationship, Sheri Stritof said,[2]

“Putting yourself in the role of ‘parent’ and your partner in the role of ‘child’ is demeaning and can actually be counterproductive. Your partner might come to resent you for taking on a controlling role in your relationship. This can cause serious damage to your marriage.”

I’ve talked to many spouses who feel emasculated because their wives treat them like children—talk to them like they’re incapable and inadequate. This does not create warm and fuzzy feelings in any man. In fact, it creates the opposite.

Ladies, the man to whom you are married may have faults, but he is still a man. There are ways to discuss things without being condescending or treating your spouse like a 5-year-old. Continuing in that manner will only cause your husband’s behavior to worsen and a huge chasm to develop in the marriage.

3. Their Spouses Are Overspenders

Another critical issue that causes a husband to hate his wife is when he tries to save money for a rainy day, and his wife spends it faster than he can bring home the paycheck. Many relationships have broken up over money.

Imagine saving money to hire a painter to repair wood damage or to purchase a new work computer, only to find out that the money has already been spent. What husband wouldn’t feel resentful?

So, what can you do? Well, according to Casey Slide,[3]

“If you were able to get your spouse to see the error of his or her ways, that was at least half of the battle. Now, you need to help control the spending. One way to do this is by allowing the both of you to only spend a certain amount of money each pay period. I recommend using the envelope budgeting system because it utilizes cash to hold you accountable to staying on budget. Once you have spent your cash, you are out of money.”

Money issues and their management are an imperative topic for discussion. Both partners need to be on the same page here.

4. Sex! What Sex?

When first dating, women may start out being sexy and amorous. She fills her man’s needs and acts like she enjoys it, but somewhere along the way—after 2 children, a full workload, and Pilates—there is no energy left for sex.

According to the article Sexual Rejection’s Effect On A Marriage,[4]

“I know you don’t want your spouse to feel ‘unloved and unwanted,’ but I’m here to tell you that if you are consistently rejecting him/her for sex, those are things your spouse almost certainly feels. And, unfortunately, that is how sexual refusal and sexual rejection affect a marriage. It’s very bad and will most likely create distance and resentment over time.”

Lack of sex causes a husband to hate his wife, especially for men with a normal sexual appetite. After all, they were used to having sex regularly, and now they feel they have to beg for it—and don’t even get it.

Sex is part of what creates intimacy in a marriage. If all the energy is spent elsewhere, it will leave the door open for an affair. For men, sex is a way to emotionally connect with their partners. It’s their way of creating a loving bond. If his wife refuses him sex, he feels rejected—like he’s not man enough. He may lose confidence in his abilities and could leave an opening for a husband to hate his wife.

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5. Dirty Fighters

Couples argue. It’s part of all relationships. After all, you’re dealing with two separate entities with different backgrounds and perspectives. But there’s a way to fight that can end in resolution instead of hurt feelings.

Issues of concern need to be addressed, but it’s how they’re addressed that makes a difference. One thing I’ve heard repeatedly that creates a downward spiral during an argument is character assassination.

For instance, a sock is left on the floor, and the following attack is launched: “You’re a slacker, a filthy slob!” Or your husband is relaxing after work and you say, “You are a lazy SOB couch potato!” And on and on. You can be upset with messy behavior, but there is no need to get into name-calling.

That’s dirty fighting! It is possible to fight and do it fairly. Also, avoid using words like, “you always . . .,” “you never . . .” Absolutes are rarely ever the case, anyway.

You’re there to solve a problem, not to try, convict, and sentence your husband.

6. Talking to Friends and Family Behind Your Back

In marriages, disagreements ensue, and fights happen. One thing that can cause a husband to hate his wife and feel betrayed is when the wife turns around and airs all the dirty laundry to her family and friends. When this happens, the husband feels betrayed, like he can’t trust his wife to not divulge the goings-on of their marriage. He knows that at the next dinner with the in-laws, they’re going to be looking at him with blame and animosity.

I’ve seen it time and time again. Husband and wife have a doozy of a fight. She tells everyone how bad hubby is. Then, they make up. Unfortunately, her friends and family continue to see him as the monster she painted.

It’s important to keep your life private. Your spouse doesn’t want to feel like everything he does is under a microscope for everyone to judge and criticize.

“Consider the consequences of sharing sensitive information with your friends and family without your partner’s consent,” says Kelsey Borresen.[5]

Be careful what you say. If you don’t have to say anything, then don’t.

7. Not Being Appreciated Enough

A husband may start to hate his wife because he feels unappreciated. They work long hours, fix things around the house, and even make dinner some nights. But still, their wives nag at them, pushing them to do more and more, not appreciating what they already do.

In his article, What to Do When My Spouse Feels Unappreciated, Chris Ownby says,[6]

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“It’s been shown that being actively grateful (that is, actively showing your appreciation) is linked to higher levels of joy, optimism, and other positive emotions, and feeling less lonely. Feeling valued and appreciated by your spouse has been found to be a major indicator (the number one indicator in one study) of a happy, healthy marriage.”

Nurture your marriage. Compliment all the little things that your husband does. Do things for him.

Men often feel that fixing things around the house is a sign of love. His wife, however, may not see it that way. She may instead, be expecting diamonds, flowers, or chocolate-covered strawberries! Love is demonstrated in many different ways.

Learn each other’s love language and learn to appreciate the little things your husband does for you!

8. Withholding Sex as Punishment!

Getting upset with your honey is a normal thing. Arguments happen in every relationship. But is punishing your husband the best way to fix things? No, it isn’t. More often than not, the punishment is withholding sex! The relationship is not going to get better by exacting punitive behavior. Things can usually be ironed out, but never by using cruel means as punishment.

“Attempting to use sex as a weapon in relationships is always a bad idea. The drawbacks are plentiful; it drives your partner away, creates fights, causes tension, takes the fun out of a relationship, and you literally stop being attentive to each other’s needs,” states Corrine Barraclough.[7]

If you want to make things better, talk about the real problem. It’s not always what you think it is. Seek marriage counseling, if necessary. It will go a long way to helping you sort things out.

9. Spending Too Much Time on the Phone/Posting Private Information

In today’s world, owning a smartphone and being constantly on social media can, in essence, be like having a lover—the thing that drives couples apart.

I worked with a man whose wife was always on social media. She would spend hours on her phone, talk about all her “friends;” refer to things they’d said like they were gospel, etc. She ignored her husband most of the time, and when he would say something, she would respond, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” She was closed to hearing how he was feeling. Eventually, they broke up.

In her article, My Wife Is Addicted to Her Phone-What to do, Rachael Pace says,[8]

“According to experts, people who value quality time in their relationships can feel rejected or even abandoned if their significant other is always on the phone.”

Not only can being constantly on the phone cause trouble, but it can also further complicate things if private and disparaging information is shared. Talk to your real-life partner. Put the phone away at dinner, and respect each other’s privacy.

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10. Trying to Change Your Spouse

Oftentimes, people marry with the mistaken notion that their partner is going to change—they’re going to quit smoking, become organized, and stop eating junk food. And if they don’t stop on their own, you—with your persuasive prowess—will make it happen.

“Putting yourself on a mission to change your spouse is highly disrespectful to them and to your relationship. There are many habits that are healthy to break such as smoking or overeating but trying to change your partner’s personality isn’t one of them,” states Rachael Pace.[9]

You really can’t change anyone, no matter how hard you try. What you see while you’re dating is what you’ll get when you’re married. There may some minor improvements, but they don’t come from being forced.

Talk with each other about things that might be tweaked, but don’t try to transform your spouse into someone they’re not.

11. Making Critical Decisions Without Discussing It First

An acquaintance I knew bought an entire living room set without discussing it with her husband beforehand. The furniture just arrived one day. Because their financial situation was so tenuous, she did not want to say anything to her husband, fearing that he would say no. In fact, he would have said exactly that because buying that furniture was living beyond their means.

You can imagine her husband’s resentment when he got home after a long day, only to find a newly furnished room worth several thousand dollars.

Making such big decisions without your partner’s knowledge isn’t a true partnership.

“Don’t be afraid to communicate honestly with your spouse as you go through the decision-making process together. Not speaking up about your feelings, or not getting actively involved in decision-making, may lead you to resent your spouse for making all the decisions (or for making a major decision that was important to you),” states Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott.[10]

Final Thoughts

Relationships don’t have to sink. Knowledge is power. Having access to this information may prevent animosity from mushrooming in your relationship.

Watch your behavior. Are you doing or saying anything with malfeasance? Are you nagging to get what you want? There are ways to make your relationship stronger instead of weaker.

Talking to each other, for starters—but not at each other, in attack mode. If you both compromise, address each other with love and respect. There’s little chance for a husband to hate his wife and for resentment to seep in.

More Tips on Improving Your Marriage

Featured photo credit: Kelly Sikkema via unsplash.com

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Reference

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Rossana Snee

Rossana is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She aspires to motivate, to inspire, and to awaken your best self!

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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