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Published on May 14, 2021

I Hate My Wife – Why a Husband Would Resent His Spouse

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I Hate My Wife – Why a Husband Would Resent His Spouse

It’s hard to imagine while standing at the altar—watching your beautiful bride walk down the aisle—that one day, instead of a queen, there’ll be a witch in her place. What can possibly happen that turns your queen into a witch? Love into resentment? And makes you to say “I hate my wife?”

Resenting and hating your wife doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process spanning months and years.

If you are the “hated” spouse, what might you notice to let you know that something is amiss? Well, you might notice your spouse being less talkative, less playful, less affectionate, etc. Something just won’t feel right. Those ill at ease feelings can be subtle signs of resentment weaving its way through the fabric of your marriage.

There are a host of reasons why this can happen. In this article, I will enumerate a few of the common behaviors that can cause you to hate your wife and cause hatred to sprout in a relationship.

1. Contributing More Than Your Wife

I currently have a client who claims to hate his wife. “Mike” believes she is lazy—that she doesn’t lift a finger to help with the household or their two young children. No matter how many times he asks her to help out, she refuses, saying, “I’m busy and besides, it’s not that bad!” He started to hate his wife, and the resentment he feels is so deep that he is thinking of divorcing her.

In relationships, it’s important to have balance. Both partners need to talk to each other, discuss how to manage the house, the bills, the children, etc., preferably before the marriage takes place so that there aren’t any surprises. All the responsibility cannot fall on one partner. In the case above, Mike bears the burden of keeping his home clean and organized. And because it feels like too much after a long day at work, he lets it go. Then, the house looks even worse, and his resentment grows stronger.

Talk to your wife. Address the problem. There could be other reasons for the “laziness.”

For example, in the article What Should You Do if Your Wife Lazy, Sylvia Smith states,[1]

“There is always a reason why someone is not being productive. Your wife may be going through something that she is not willing to talk about. Initiate the conversation and openly discuss the matter. Tell her what you think about her attitude and ask her about her possible problems.”

2. Being Treated Like a Child

I’ve heard multiple women say, “Seriously, it’s like I have three kids!” The third one to whom they are referring is their husband. Imagine being thought of as the third child.

In the article, Why Treating Your Partner Like a Child Can Destroy Your Relationship, Sheri Stritof said,[2]

“Putting yourself in the role of ‘parent’ and your partner in the role of ‘child’ is demeaning and can actually be counterproductive. Your partner might come to resent you for taking on a controlling role in your relationship. This can cause serious damage to your marriage.”

I’ve talked to many spouses who feel emasculated because their wives treat them like children—talk to them like they’re incapable and inadequate. This does not create warm and fuzzy feelings in any man. In fact, it creates the opposite.

Ladies, the man to whom you are married may have faults, but he is still a man. There are ways to discuss things without being condescending or treating your spouse like a 5-year-old. Continuing in that manner will only cause your husband’s behavior to worsen and a huge chasm to develop in the marriage.

3. Their Spouses Are Overspenders

Another critical issue that causes a husband to hate his wife is when he tries to save money for a rainy day, and his wife spends it faster than he can bring home the paycheck. Many relationships have broken up over money.

Imagine saving money to hire a painter to repair wood damage or to purchase a new work computer, only to find out that the money has already been spent. What husband wouldn’t feel resentful?

So, what can you do? Well, according to Casey Slide,[3]

“If you were able to get your spouse to see the error of his or her ways, that was at least half of the battle. Now, you need to help control the spending. One way to do this is by allowing the both of you to only spend a certain amount of money each pay period. I recommend using the envelope budgeting system because it utilizes cash to hold you accountable to staying on budget. Once you have spent your cash, you are out of money.”

Money issues and their management are an imperative topic for discussion. Both partners need to be on the same page here.

4. Sex! What Sex?

When first dating, women may start out being sexy and amorous. She fills her man’s needs and acts like she enjoys it, but somewhere along the way—after 2 children, a full workload, and Pilates—there is no energy left for sex.

According to the article Sexual Rejection’s Effect On A Marriage,[4]

“I know you don’t want your spouse to feel ‘unloved and unwanted,’ but I’m here to tell you that if you are consistently rejecting him/her for sex, those are things your spouse almost certainly feels. And, unfortunately, that is how sexual refusal and sexual rejection affect a marriage. It’s very bad and will most likely create distance and resentment over time.”

Lack of sex causes a husband to hate his wife, especially for men with a normal sexual appetite. After all, they were used to having sex regularly, and now they feel they have to beg for it—and don’t even get it.

Sex is part of what creates intimacy in a marriage. If all the energy is spent elsewhere, it will leave the door open for an affair. For men, sex is a way to emotionally connect with their partners. It’s their way of creating a loving bond. If his wife refuses him sex, he feels rejected—like he’s not man enough. He may lose confidence in his abilities and could leave an opening for a husband to hate his wife.

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5. Dirty Fighters

Couples argue. It’s part of all relationships. After all, you’re dealing with two separate entities with different backgrounds and perspectives. But there’s a way to fight that can end in resolution instead of hurt feelings.

Issues of concern need to be addressed, but it’s how they’re addressed that makes a difference. One thing I’ve heard repeatedly that creates a downward spiral during an argument is character assassination.

For instance, a sock is left on the floor, and the following attack is launched: “You’re a slacker, a filthy slob!” Or your husband is relaxing after work and you say, “You are a lazy SOB couch potato!” And on and on. You can be upset with messy behavior, but there is no need to get into name-calling.

That’s dirty fighting! It is possible to fight and do it fairly. Also, avoid using words like, “you always . . .,” “you never . . .” Absolutes are rarely ever the case, anyway.

You’re there to solve a problem, not to try, convict, and sentence your husband.

6. Talking to Friends and Family Behind Your Back

In marriages, disagreements ensue, and fights happen. One thing that can cause a husband to hate his wife and feel betrayed is when the wife turns around and airs all the dirty laundry to her family and friends. When this happens, the husband feels betrayed, like he can’t trust his wife to not divulge the goings-on of their marriage. He knows that at the next dinner with the in-laws, they’re going to be looking at him with blame and animosity.

I’ve seen it time and time again. Husband and wife have a doozy of a fight. She tells everyone how bad hubby is. Then, they make up. Unfortunately, her friends and family continue to see him as the monster she painted.

It’s important to keep your life private. Your spouse doesn’t want to feel like everything he does is under a microscope for everyone to judge and criticize.

“Consider the consequences of sharing sensitive information with your friends and family without your partner’s consent,” says Kelsey Borresen.[5]

Be careful what you say. If you don’t have to say anything, then don’t.

7. Not Being Appreciated Enough

A husband may start to hate his wife because he feels unappreciated. They work long hours, fix things around the house, and even make dinner some nights. But still, their wives nag at them, pushing them to do more and more, not appreciating what they already do.

In his article, What to Do When My Spouse Feels Unappreciated, Chris Ownby says,[6]

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“It’s been shown that being actively grateful (that is, actively showing your appreciation) is linked to higher levels of joy, optimism, and other positive emotions, and feeling less lonely. Feeling valued and appreciated by your spouse has been found to be a major indicator (the number one indicator in one study) of a happy, healthy marriage.”

Nurture your marriage. Compliment all the little things that your husband does. Do things for him.

Men often feel that fixing things around the house is a sign of love. His wife, however, may not see it that way. She may instead, be expecting diamonds, flowers, or chocolate-covered strawberries! Love is demonstrated in many different ways.

Learn each other’s love language and learn to appreciate the little things your husband does for you!

8. Withholding Sex as Punishment!

Getting upset with your honey is a normal thing. Arguments happen in every relationship. But is punishing your husband the best way to fix things? No, it isn’t. More often than not, the punishment is withholding sex! The relationship is not going to get better by exacting punitive behavior. Things can usually be ironed out, but never by using cruel means as punishment.

“Attempting to use sex as a weapon in relationships is always a bad idea. The drawbacks are plentiful; it drives your partner away, creates fights, causes tension, takes the fun out of a relationship, and you literally stop being attentive to each other’s needs,” states Corrine Barraclough.[7]

If you want to make things better, talk about the real problem. It’s not always what you think it is. Seek marriage counseling, if necessary. It will go a long way to helping you sort things out.

9. Spending Too Much Time on the Phone/Posting Private Information

In today’s world, owning a smartphone and being constantly on social media can, in essence, be like having a lover—the thing that drives couples apart.

I worked with a man whose wife was always on social media. She would spend hours on her phone, talk about all her “friends;” refer to things they’d said like they were gospel, etc. She ignored her husband most of the time, and when he would say something, she would respond, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” She was closed to hearing how he was feeling. Eventually, they broke up.

In her article, My Wife Is Addicted to Her Phone-What to do, Rachael Pace says,[8]

“According to experts, people who value quality time in their relationships can feel rejected or even abandoned if their significant other is always on the phone.”

Not only can being constantly on the phone cause trouble, but it can also further complicate things if private and disparaging information is shared. Talk to your real-life partner. Put the phone away at dinner, and respect each other’s privacy.

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10. Trying to Change Your Spouse

Oftentimes, people marry with the mistaken notion that their partner is going to change—they’re going to quit smoking, become organized, and stop eating junk food. And if they don’t stop on their own, you—with your persuasive prowess—will make it happen.

“Putting yourself on a mission to change your spouse is highly disrespectful to them and to your relationship. There are many habits that are healthy to break such as smoking or overeating but trying to change your partner’s personality isn’t one of them,” states Rachael Pace.[9]

You really can’t change anyone, no matter how hard you try. What you see while you’re dating is what you’ll get when you’re married. There may some minor improvements, but they don’t come from being forced.

Talk with each other about things that might be tweaked, but don’t try to transform your spouse into someone they’re not.

11. Making Critical Decisions Without Discussing It First

An acquaintance I knew bought an entire living room set without discussing it with her husband beforehand. The furniture just arrived one day. Because their financial situation was so tenuous, she did not want to say anything to her husband, fearing that he would say no. In fact, he would have said exactly that because buying that furniture was living beyond their means.

You can imagine her husband’s resentment when he got home after a long day, only to find a newly furnished room worth several thousand dollars.

Making such big decisions without your partner’s knowledge isn’t a true partnership.

“Don’t be afraid to communicate honestly with your spouse as you go through the decision-making process together. Not speaking up about your feelings, or not getting actively involved in decision-making, may lead you to resent your spouse for making all the decisions (or for making a major decision that was important to you),” states Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott.[10]

Final Thoughts

Relationships don’t have to sink. Knowledge is power. Having access to this information may prevent animosity from mushrooming in your relationship.

Watch your behavior. Are you doing or saying anything with malfeasance? Are you nagging to get what you want? There are ways to make your relationship stronger instead of weaker.

Talking to each other, for starters—but not at each other, in attack mode. If you both compromise, address each other with love and respect. There’s little chance for a husband to hate his wife and for resentment to seep in.

More Tips on Improving Your Marriage

Featured photo credit: Kelly Sikkema via unsplash.com

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Reference

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Rossana Snee

Rossana is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She aspires to motivate, to inspire, and to awaken your best self!

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Last Updated on January 5, 2022

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

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How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

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That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

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More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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