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7 Ways to Enhance Intimacy in Marriage

7 Ways to Enhance Intimacy in Marriage

Successful marriages last a long time. While working at the same place for twenty or thirty years can be monotonous, being married for the same amount of time should be anything but. In fact, successful marriages are so long-lasting simply because both parties actively keep things fresh. The love stories you hear about a couple on their 25th, 30th, or even 50th wedding anniversary all have one thing in common: they’ve done everything they can to keep the passion and intimacy in their marriage alive and growing.

They do so by:

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1. Not taking life too seriously.

Life certainly won’t be all fun and games, but that doesn’t mean you have to be serious all the time. Never lose the flirtatious personalities you had when  you started falling in love. Joke around with each other, play pranks on each other, even tease each other (nicely, of course). Be the one who can pull the other out of the dumps when they’re feeling low, and remind them how much there is to enjoy about life.

2. Follow passions together.

Find things you both like to do, and experience them together as much as possible. Don’t be afraid to try new things, either. I know I would never go to an art fair by myself, but I love exploring the different crafts and gadgets being presented while strolling through an exhibition with my wife. And she would never go to a Yankee game if it wasn’t for me, but we have dozens of inside jokes and memories that stem from sporting events in which we both ended up having the time of our lives. Always be open to an experience you know your spouse will enjoy.

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3. Be physically present and loving.

Being physical in a marriage doesn’t necessarily have to do with sex. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Remember when you were younger and used to hold hands all the time, or kiss each other goodbye or goodnight? Never stop doing that. Always show love and affection for your spouse, no matter how “used to it” you feel you are. You should never be used to hugging your husband or wife, simply for the fact that one day you might not be able to do so.

4. Write out your feelings.

Don’t just tell your spouse you love them; show them in words. Write them little love notes or poems, and send them letters (even though you live in the same house!). Putting your feelings into written words will not only mean much more to them, but doing so will also refresh in your own mind the reasons you love and care for them so much. If you feel like your relationship has hit a snag or has become somewhat stagnant, get out some fancy paper and write to your loved one exactly what you’d say if they were sitting right next to you.

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5. Give thanks and pray together.

Even if you’re not the religious type, recognize the spirituality and sanctity of your marriage. Look deep within your heart and soul, and within your spouse’s heart and soul, and truly get to the essence of what it means to be bound in holy matrimony. Recognize how incredible your life is having someone with you throughout the good and bad times, and give thanks to them, as well as to whatever higher being brought you together for the rest of your life. No matter what you believe in, true love is proof that there are mysterious powers beyond our control that guide us in our daily lives.

5. Spend quiet time together.

Take time to visit a place that is special to your marriage, and simply enjoy that time with no interruptions or outside thoughts. Take in the scenery together, holding hands while making a short, fleeting moment last forever. Let every other care and worry you have slip away, and know that in that moment, the only thing that matters is your relationship.

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6. Talk things out.

Like I said, not every moment in your marriage will be perfect. Rough times are unavoidable. But they’re unavoidable for a reason. Instead of trying to skirt the issue, or pretend everything is fine, don’t be afraid to talk about what’s bothering you. There’s nothing worse for a marriage than bottled up feelings that will one day explode in fits of anger or rage. If you feel like your marriage has hit a snag, don’t go to your friends for advice; they’re not experts in your relationship. Go straight to the source. Talk to your spouse about the problem you’re both facing. It will be much easier to work through whatever’s irking you than avoiding the issue altogether.

7. Give thanks and pray together.

Even if you’re not the religious type, recognize the spirituality and sanctity of your marriage. Look deep within your heart and soul, and within your spouse’s heart and soul, and truly get to the essence of what it means to be bound in holy matrimony. Recognize how incredible your life is having someone with you throughout the good and bad times, and give thanks to them, as well as to whatever higher being brought you together for the rest of your life. No matter what you believe in, true love is proof that there are mysterious powers beyond our control that guide us in our daily life.

Featured photo credit: Flickr via farm1.staticflickr.com

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Matt Duczeminski

A passionate writer who shares lifestlye tips on Lifehack

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Last Updated on August 12, 2020

When Should You Trust Your Gut and How?

When Should You Trust Your Gut and How?

Learning how to trust your gut, otherwise known as your intuition, can keep you safe. Your gut can guide you and help you build your confidence and resilience. My own gut instinct has saved me on more than one occasion. It has also guided me into making sound career choices and other exciting, big decisions. I’m also aware of the times when I’ve gone against my instincts and really regretted it later, wondering why I didn’t tune in to that valuable internal voice that we all have within us.

In this article, we’re going to explore why and how you should listen to your gut, as well as some concrete tips on how to make sure you’re making the most out of your gut instincts.

How to Listen to Your Gut

The key when making any big decision is to always take a minute to listen well to yourself and your inner compass. If you hear your actual voice saying yes while inside you’re silently screaming no, my advice is to ask for some time to think, or simply take a breath and pause before the yes or no escapes your mouth.

Use that moment to breathe, check in with yourself, and give the answer that feels congruent with who you are and what you want, not the one that always involves following the herd. Trusting your gut means having the courage to not simply go with the majority. It can be about holding your own. Here’s how to hone that skill for yourself and reap the rewards.

1. Tune Into Your Body

Your body gives you clues when you’re faced with a big decision. There are many visible and obvious symptoms that we feel in uncomfortable situations. Our body’s reaction is often something that we might try to hide, for example, blushing, being lost for words, or shaking. There are things we might do to try and hide that physical reaction, whether it’s wearing makeup, having a glass of wine or coffee to perk us up a bit, or learning to control our nerves.

However, paying attention to your body when you experience these feelings of anxiety can teach you so much and help you to make sound choices. Some people will experience an actual “gut” feeling of stomach ache or indigestion in an uncomfortable situation.

Ask yourself what’s really going on here, and explore what is happening behind your body’s response to the situation. What can your reaction or instinct teach you? Understanding that can be a clue and can help you either learn something about yourself, the situation, or other people. The answers are often within us.

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Sometimes we’ll get this “something’s not right here” feeling and cannot quite put our finger on it or explain it. That can still be incredibly useful and really guide us away from danger, even if we don’t know the reason.

In his book, Blink, Malcolm Gladwell also argues this, making the point that sometimes our subconscious is better at processing the answer we need, and that we don’t necessarily need to take time to collect hours and hours of information to come to a reliable conclusion[1].

2. Ensure Your Head Is Clear Before Making a Decision

Energy, sleep, and good nutrition are so vital to nourishing our minds, as well as our bodies. There are times when your instinct could lead you astray, and one of these is when you are hungry, “hangry” (angry because you’re hungry!), tired, or anxious. If this is the case–and it may sound obvious–do consider sleeping or eating on it before making an important choice.

There is, in fact, a connection between our gut and our brain[2], which is where terms like “butterflies in the stomach” and “gut-wrenching” originate from. Stress and emotions can cause physical feelings, and ignoring them might do more harm than good.

3. Don’t Be Afraid to Say What You Think and Feel

Listening to your gut and really paying attention to it might involve standing up and being counted, calling something out, or taking a stand. As someone who works for myself, I’ve become used to following the less-travelled road, and that’s given me the chance to strike out on my own in other ways, too.

As they tell you in the planes, “put your own oxygen mask on first,” and part of that self-reliance is knowing what you really want and like and what is safe and good for you, including what resonates with your personal and business values. Making good decisions with this in mind means making choices that do not go against your own beliefs, even when it may mean taking a stand. This is part of trusting yourself and trusting your instincts.

This does not always mean taking the “safe” option, although keeping ourselves safe is an important part of the process. This is how we learn and grow, by following our own inner compass. When you do take risks, go outside of your comfort zone, or choose the less popular option, spending some time researching the facts can stand us in good stead, too.

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4. Do Your Research If Something Feels Off

As well as listening to our instincts, we can also back up the evidence for our chosen course of action before taking the leap. I had a gut feeling about the need for a learning and development network when I noticed my clients getting stuck with the same problems. I set up and now run such a network, but instead of simply going for it, without evidence, I followed up on my instinct with research.

Having confidence in your gut instinct through these kinds of tests can help to minimize your risks, as well as spur you on. It will encourage you to trust your gut again in the future and trust that you are an expert with foresight and experience. You are!

5. Challenge Your Assumptions

When you look at the assumptions your making, this could be the clue to mistakes you are making.

In order to check that our instincts are wise, we need to ask ourselves what blanks we might be filling in, either consciously or unconsciously. This is true not just when it comes to our own decision-making. It’s also true when we are listening to someone explain a problem or situation, and we’re about to jump in and give some advice. If we can learn to be aware of our own assumptions, we can become better listeners and better decision makers, too.

A useful tool to become more aware of your assumptions before making a final decision is simply to ask yourself, “What assumptions am I making about this situation or person?”

6. Educate Yourself on Unconscious Bias

Unconscious bias is something we all have, and it can trip us up big time!

There is a vital caveat to bear in mind when wondering about whether you can trust your gut and the feelings your body gives you, and that’s having an awareness of your unconscious bias. Understanding your own bias–which is hard to do because it literally does happen in our subconscious–can help you to make stronger, better, decisions instead of re-confirming your view of the world over and over again.

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Bias exists, and it’s part of the human condition. All of us have it, and it colors our decisions and can impact on our performance without us realizing.

Unconscious bias happens at a subconscious level in our brains. Our subconscious brain processes information so much faster than our conscious brain. Quick decisions we make in our subconscious are based on both our societal conditioning and how our families raised us.

Our brains process hundreds of thousands of pieces of information daily. We unconsciously categorize and format that information into patterns that feel familiar to us. Aspects such as gender, disability, class, sexuality, body shape and size, ethnicity, and what someone does for a job can all quickly influence decisions we make about people and the relationships we choose to form. Our unconscious bias can be very subtle and go unnoticed..

We naturally tend to gravitate towards people similar to ourselves, favoring people who we see as belonging to the same “group” as us. Being able to make a quick decision about whether someone is part of your group and distinguish friend from foe was what helped early humans to survive. Conversely, we don’t automatically favor people who we don’t immediately relate to or easily connect with.

The downside of that human instinct to seek out similar people is the potential for prejudice, which seems to be hard-wired into human cognition, no matter how open-minded we believe ourselves to be. And these stereotypes we create can be wrong. If we only spend our time with and employ people similar to ourselves, it can create prejudices, as well as stifle fresh thinking and innovation.

We may feel more natural or comfortable working with other people who share our own background and/or opinions than collaborating with people who don’t look, talk, or think like us. However, diversity is not just morally right; having a mix of different people and perspectives that can be genuinely heard is also a valuable way to counter groupthink. Diversity stretches us to think more critically and creatively.

7. Trust Yourself

It is possible to learn how to truly trust yourself[3]. Like any talent or skill, practicing trusting your gut is the best way to get really good at it. When people talk about having great intuition or being good decision-makers, it’s because they’ve worked at honing those skills, made mistakes, learned from them, and tried again.

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Looking back at decisions you’ve made, what you did, what the outcome was, and what you’ve learned can help you become a stronger decision maker and develop solid self-trust and resilience. Making a mistake does not mean you are not great at decision-making; it’s a chance to grow and learn, and the only mistake is to ignore the lesson in that experience.

If you are in the habit of asking others for their input, then the trick here is to choose your inner circle wisely. Having a sounding board of people who have your best interests at heart is a valuable asset, and, combined with your own excellent instincts, can make you a champion decision maker.

The Bottom Line

The above tips are all actionable and easy to start immediately. It’s simply about switching your thinking around, slowing down, and taking great care of this amazing machine that is your body and mind!

Learning how to trust your gut is one of the most fundamental ways to make decisions that will help you lead the life you want and need. Tune into what your body is telling you and start making good decisions today.

More Tips on How to Trust Your Gut

Featured photo credit: Acy Varlan via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Science of People: Learn to Trust Your Gut Instincts: The Science Behind Thin-slicing
[2] Harvard Health Publishing: The gut-brain connection
[3] Psych Central: 3 Ways to Develop Self-Trust

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