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Are You in Love or in Lust?

Are You in Love or in Lust?

Love or Lust? Or both? Is your relationship headed for long-term success, or is it more of a short-term fling?

Here are 10 ways to find out.

1. Eye contact

Do you and your partner make a lot of eye contact? Partners in lust tend to make less, as the brain’s focus is on gross physical anatomy, as in body shape, the view from a distance, etc. Partners in love tend to do more eye gazing, wanting to travel into each others’ souls. Eye gazing is more emotionally intimate that scanning our partner’s body, and a sign partners are wanting to get to know each other more deeply than just physically.

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2. Games

Partners in lust play more mind games with one another. In dating, partners in lust are more strategic, using manipulations, longing and jealousy to leverage desire. Partners in love dispatch these kinds of games to have a more sincere and transparent communication between them. Partners in love are less concerned with desire, and more concerned with trust and security.

3. Vulnerability

Partners in lust show less vulnerability with one another. Showing vulnerability may be seen as a sign of weakness, something partners in lust can’t afford to do because of the power game still being played. Partners in love want equality, and seek to deepen their emotional relationship by showing more vulnerable parts of themselves.

4. Family

Partners in lust typically are not as interested in one anothers’ past, family members, or complicated aspects of their current lives. They are more focused on physical gratification and pleasure. Partners in lust are not totally in the true friend category yet. They can’t be trusted to really care about the other people important to each others’ lives, they mostly just focus on one another. Partners in love take an interest in each others’ family members, including extended family, and want to understand each others’ past and the nuances of current life experiences.

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5. Communication

Partners in love engage in more ‘meta-communication.’ Meta-communication is exploring the nature of how we interact. Partners in love are interested in making their interactions feel safer, more open and trusting. Partners in lust tend to stick to certain topics, because the nature of conversation is not as important. Conversation, in the case of partners in lust, is more of a prelude to physical intimacy rather than an important intimate experience in its own right.

6. Perseverance & Consistency

Partners in love stick it out with each other and are there for one another even when things get tricky. There is less leaving and being suddenly unavailable when things are annoying or challenging. Partners in lust are less likely to hang in there when the chips are down. Staying consistent during stressful times is a critical part of forming a long-term, stable relationship. For example, partners in lust often leave after sex or during other non-peak ‘filler’ times. Partners in love stay together throughout the day, through the ups and downs of daily experience.

7. Can we have both?

Yes. A relationship can have lust and love. In order to accomplish that, it typically needs to mature in both areas as the relationship grows. For example, as love deepens, do partners keep their romantic lives stimulating, deepening their exploration of physical intimacy as well? Or do their physical lives remain more or less the same as their emotional life matures? Both aspects benefit from tending and attention. A couple needs to focus on deepening their emotional bond in order to expand a sense of love, but also preserve the mystery and novelty that drives lust. A great way to do both is to have a healthy sense of play that extends to both emotional and physical intimacy.

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8. Does love kill lust?

No, not necessarily. But it can. The idea that an emotional friendship will kindle sex drive is not entirely accurate. Feeling safe and connected emotionally is typically good for romance, because both partners need to be able to relax and be vulnerable to deepen their physical relationship. But within that context of overall safety and trust, partners need to know how to turn on the ‘strangerness’ of their physical intimacy as well, to keep things exciting to the more instinctive part of the brain.

9. Does my partner love me?

Tough question. Typically, if people have to think about it, the love is not very strong. On the other hand, there are situations where people do love one another but have trouble being in touch with the part of themselves that feels it. Does your partner consider your needs as well as their own? Do they think about you when you’re apart and do little things they know make your life easier? Do they say sweet things to you about unique qualities you possess that set you part from others? Those are all signs of love. If you partner speaks in generalities about you, using descriptors that apply to half the population (or those with your body type), and doesn’t seem to keep you in mind when apart, it suggests more of a lust-based connection.

10. Can lust turn into love?

Yes. Relationships often begin with lust, then deepen into love. But some relationships don’t deepen into love, because one or both partners are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, or its not the right fit. If you’re looking for a love relationship, a secure and stable long-term partnership, you want to identify signs of love within the first 6 months. If your relationship has not matured past the signs of a lust-driven relationship by then, chances are it may not, and you should evaluate how ready you both are for a love relationship.

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Featured photo credit: 123RF/pat138241 via 123rf.com

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Last Updated on November 15, 2018

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

Success In Reaching Goals Is Determined By Mindset

What do you think it takes to achieve your goals? Hard work? Lots of actions? While these are paramount to becoming successful in reaching our goals, neither of these are possible without a positive mindset.

As humans, we naturally tend to lean towards a negative outlook when it comes to our hopes and dreams. We are prone to believing that we have limitations either from within ourselves or from external forces keeping us from truly getting to where we want to be in life. Our tendency to think that we’ll “believe it when we see it” suggests that our mindsets are focused on our goals not really being attainable until they’ve been achieved. The problem with this is that this common mindset fuels our limiting beliefs and shows a lack of faith in ourselves.

The Success Mindset

Success in achieving our goals comes down to a ‘success mindset’. Successful mindsets are those focused on victory, based on positive mental attitudes, empowering inclinations and good habits. Acquiring a success mindset is the sure-fire way to dramatically increase your chance to achieve your goals.

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The idea that achieving our goals comes down to our habits and actions is actually a typical type of mindset that misses a crucial point; that our mindset is, in fact, the determiner of our energy and what actions we take. A negative mindset will tend to create negative actions and similarly if we have a mindset that will only set into action once we see ‘proof’ that our goals are achievable, then the road will be much longer and arduous. This is why, instead of thinking “I’ll believe it when I see it”, a success mindset will think “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

The Placebo Effect and What It Shows Us About The Power of Mindset

The placebo effect is a perfect example of how mindset really can be powerful. In scientific trials, a group of participants were told they received medication that will heal an ailment but were actually given a sugar pill that does nothing (the placebo). Yet after the trial the participants believed it’s had a positive effect – sometimes even cured their ailment even though nothing has changed. This is the power of mindset.

How do we apply this to our goals? Well, when we set goals and dreams how often do we really believe they’ll come to fruition? Have absolute faith that they can be achieved? Have a complete unwavering expectation? Most of us don’t because we hold on to negative mindsets and limiting beliefs about ourselves that stop us from fully believing we are capable or that it’s at all possible. We tend to listen to the opinions of others despite them misaligning with our own or bow to societal pressures that make us believe we should think and act a certain way. There are many reasons why we possess these types of mindsets but a success mindset can be achieved.

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How To Create a Success Mindset

People with success mindsets have a particular way of perceiving things. They have positive outlooks and are able to put faith fully in their ability to succeed. With that in mind, here are a few ways that can turn a negative mindset into a successful one.

1. A Success Mindset Comes From a Growth Mindset

How does a mindset even manifest itself? It comes from the way you talk to yourself in the privacy of your own head. Realising this will go a long way towards noticing how you speak to yourself and others around you. If it’s mainly negative language you use when you talk about your goals and aspirations then this is an example of a fixed mindset.

A negative mindset brings with it a huge number of limiting beliefs. It creates a fixed mindset – one that can’t see beyond it’s own limitations. A growth mindset sees these limitations and looks beyond them – it finds ways to overcome obstacles and believes that this will result in success. When you think of your goal, a fixed mindset may think “what if I fail?” A growth mindset would look at the same goal and think “failures happen but that doesn’t mean I won’t be successful.”

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There’s a lot of power in changing your perspective.

2. Look For The Successes

It’s really important to get your mind focused on positive aspects of your goal. Finding inspiration through others can be really uplifting and keep you on track with developing your success mindset; reinforcing your belief that your dreams can be achieved. Find people that you can talk with about how they achieved their goals and seek out and surround yourself with positive people. This is crucial if you’re learning to develop a positive mindset.

3. Eliminate Negativity

You can come up against a lot of negativity sometimes either through other people or within yourself. Understanding that other people’s negative opinions are created through their own fears and limiting beliefs will go a long way in sustaining your success mindset. But for a lot of us, negative chatter can come from within and these usually manifest as negative words such as can’t, won’t, shouldn’t. Sometimes, when we think of how we’re going to achieve our goals, statements in our minds come out as negative absolutes: ‘It never works out for me’ or ‘I always fail.’

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When you notice these coming up you need to turn them around with ‘It always works out for me!’ and ‘I never fail!’ The trick is to believe it no matter what’s happened in the past. Remember that every new day is a clean slate and for you to adjust your mindset.

4. Create a Vision

Envisioning your end goal and seeing it in your mind is an important trait of a success mindset. Allowing ourselves to imagine our success creates a powerful excitement that shouldn’t be underestimated. When our brain becomes excited at the thought of achieving our goals, we become more committed, work harder towards achieving it and more likely to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

If this involves creating a vision board that you can look at to remind yourself every day then go for it. Small techniques like this go a long way in sustaining your success mindset and shouldn’t be dismissed.

An Inspirational Story…

For centuries experts said that running a mile in under 4 minutes was humanly impossible. On the 6th May 1954, Rodger Bannister did just that. As part of his training, Bannister relentlessly visualised the achievement, believing he could accomplish what everyone said wasn’t possible…and he did it.

What’s more amazing is that, as soon as Bannister achieved the 4-minute mile, more and more people also achieved it. How was this possible after so many years of no one achieving it? Because in people’s minds it was suddenly possible – once people knew that it was achievable it created a mindset of success and now, after over fifty years since Bannister did the ‘impossible’, his record has been lowered by 17 seconds – the power of the success mindset!

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