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How to Show Affection without Looking Needy or Being Clingy

How to Show Affection without Looking Needy or Being Clingy

There’s nothing more exciting than falling in love, right? The honeymoon period of a new relationship is all about getting to know an unfamiliar person you allowed to enter your life, and chances are you want to spend time with them 24/7. It’s romantic, it’s exhilarating, it’s passionate – and it makes you incredibly nervous.

Why? Well, because you can’t be sure what that other person’s boundaries are when it comes to showing affection. If you have an uncontrollable desire to go to the highest building and declare your feelings to the world, you might want to reconsider so you don’t scare your new lover away.

When fear of commitment isn’t something you find familiar, it may be a tad difficult to understand the sensation of uncomfortable feelings that a person might be experiencing – it can be terrifying. That fear of being bound by chains for all eternity is extreme and unrealistic, but you should try to understand it before your relationship ends and you end up wondering what you did wrong.

Investing yourself in such a manner and being enthusiastic to share your whole self with someone is beautiful, and no one should take that away from you. However, giving too much too soon is often a recipe for getting hurt, which is why you should go with a slower rhythm.

The Chemistry of Love

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    If I were you, I would start by getting to understand the physical aspect of what happens to people when they fall in love. Your mind is capable of unbelievable things, and when you start experiencing romantic feelings towards someone, it goes really crazy.

    When you fall for someone, you go through the whole spectrum of emotions, both pleasant and not so pleasant. There’s a whole chemical reaction boiling inside of you, so it should be no surprise that you’re nervous, and that you’re constantly blushing and feeling sort of anxious in a good way. Your heart feels like it’s going to jump right out of your chest all for one reason – adrenalin is being released whenever you’re near that person, or even thinking about them. You don’t have to be into extreme sports in order to get an adrenalin rush – you just need to like someone.

    Getting intimate with your special someone causes the production of oxytocin, the happiness hormone that makes you feel even more attached to someone. You should also know that a rewarding substance called dopamine, which is responsible for people being addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, and even food, is the reason why you feel pleasure when talking to and kissing your new lover. So basically, falling in love is addictive, which explains why you feel obsessed.

    Speaking of obsessed – levels of serotonin significantly drop when a person is in love, which also happens to people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. So, we can feel free to conclude that your judgement is clouded and that you’re not thinking straight.

    Don’t Overthink

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      At least, try not to. Thinking too much about whether or not you should do or say something makes you even more confused, and your inner struggle usually finds a way to be obvious, so you end up looking like you’re trying to find the square root of 7,452,789. And when you realize that you look like a dummy, frustration comes knocking on your door.

      This is when your confidence levels significantly decrease and you start doing some things you normally wouldn’t, which usually makes you look like a crazy person. So, get a hold of yourself and try to be realistic about what you think, and what you do, in order to avoid a restraining order.

      Although it may not go this far, seven missed calls and five texts make you look very clingy, and that’s the opposite of attractive. Take it easy, wait for your call to be returned, and stop playing unrealistic scenarios in your mind.

      Don’t Push It If You Encounter Resistance

        You should pay close attention to the amount of feedback you receive. Public affection is one of the most important aspects to focus on here – not everyone is a fan of that, you know. Whether your partner isn’t comfortable with making your relationship official by holding hands or kissing in public, or they generally dislike that way of showing affection, you need to give them space to show or tell you that, and you should be understanding of their decision.

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        You’ll have enough room to smother your partner with love and hugs when you get to know each other properly, so be patient and give it time.

        Direct Your Inspiration

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          Instead of sending “Where are you,” “Why are you not answering,” “What are you doing,” “Call me back,” and “I’m still waiting,” texts during just a couple of minutes, which is the very definition of being needy, you should direct your inspiration to romantic acts, not on being obsessive. If you want to let your partner know you’re thinking of them, be creative with your texts and try to elegantly notify them you’d like to increase your communication.

          So, if you feel like you want to show how much you appreciate your partner’s company, surprise them with a homemade romantic dinner with candlelight and flowers, so you can talk and bond in a pleasant atmosphere.

          Provide some Breathing Room

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            Good things to those who wait, right? I don’t think you should be passive and wait for things to happen to you, but insisting on seeing your special someone every day, twice a day is too much. Instead of placing your focus on quantity here, you should shift it to quality.

            So, when you do schedule the next date, make every second count and fill your time together with various forms of pleasure. If you see too much of each other, your passion might burn out and you’ll get saturated and bored, and that’s something you don’t want to happen.

            Being enthusiastic about a person and wanting them in your life should be nothing but highly flattering to your special someone, but your rush decisions and extreme actions could make them want to run and never come back. There’s a subtle way to express your feelings, and you should do it with tact – it’s healthier for you and your relationship as well.

            Featured photo credit: https://www.pexels.com via pexels.com

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            Last Updated on September 10, 2018

            Overcoming The Pain Of A Breakup: 3 Suggestions Based On Science

            Overcoming The Pain Of A Breakup: 3 Suggestions Based On Science

            We thought that the expression ‘broken heart’ was just a metaphor, but science is telling us that it is not: breakups and rejections do cause physical pain. When a group of psychologists asked research participants to look at images of their ex-partners who broke up with them, researchers found that the same brain areas that are activated by physical pain are also activated by looking at images of ex-partners. Looking at images of our ex is a painful experience, literally.[1].

            Given that the effect of rejections and breakups is the same as the effect of physical pain, scientists have speculated on whether the practices that reduce physical pain could be used to reduce the emotional pain that follows from breakups and rejections. In a study on whether painkillers reduce the emotional pain caused by a breakup, researchers found that painkillers did help. Individuals who took painkillers were better able to deal with their breakup. Tamar Cohen wrote that “A simple dose of paracetamol could help ease the pain of a broken heart.”[2]

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            Just like painkillers can be used to ease the pain of a broken heart, other practices that ease physical pain can also be used to ease the pain of rejections and breakups. Three of these scientifically validated practices are presented in this article.

            Looking at images of loved ones

            While images of ex-partners stimulate the pain neuro-circuitry in our brain, images of loved ones activate a different circuitry. Looking at images of people who care about us increases the release of oxytocin in our body. Oxytocin, or the “cuddle hormone,” is the hormone that our body relies on to induce in us a soothing feeling of tranquility, even when we are under high stress and pain.

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            In fact, oxytocin was found to have a crucial role as a mother is giving birth to her baby. Despite the extreme pain that a mother has to endure during delivery, the high level of oxytocin secreted by her body transforms pain into pleasure. Mariem Melainine notes that, “Oxytocin levels are usually at their peak during delivery, which promotes a sense of euphoria in the mother and helps her develop a stronger bond with her baby.”[3]

            Whenever you feel tempted to look at images of your ex-partner, log into your Facebook page and start browsing images of your loved ones. As Eva Ritvo, M.D. notes, “Facebook fools our brain into believing that loved ones surround us, which historically was essential to our survival. The human brain, because it evolved thousands of years before photography, fails on many levels to recognize the difference between pictures and people”[4]

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            Exercise

            Endorphins are neurotransmitters that reduce our perception of pain. When our body is high on endorphins, painful sensations are kept outside of conscious awareness. It was found that exercise causes endorphins to be secreted in the brain and as a result produce a feeling of power, as psychologist Alex Korb noted in his book: “Exercise causes your brain to release endorphins, neurotransmitters that act on your neurons like opiates (such as morphine or Vicodin) by sending a neural signal to reduce pain and provide anxiety relief.”[5] By inhibiting pain from being transmitted to our brain, exercise acts as a powerful antidote to the pain caused by rejections and breakups.

            Meditation

            Jon Kabat Zinn, a doctor who pioneered the use of mindfulness meditation therapy for patients with chronic pain, has argued that it is not pain itself that is harmful to our mental health, rather, it is the way we react to pain. When we react to pain with irritation, frustration, and self-pity, more pain is generated, and we enter a never ending spiral of painful thoughts and sensations.

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            In order to disrupt the domino effect caused by reacting to pain with pain, Kabat Zinn and other proponents of mindfulness meditation therapy have suggested reacting to pain through nonjudgmental contemplation and acceptance. By practicing meditation on a daily basis and getting used to the habit of paying attention to the sensations generated by our body (including the painful ones and by observing these sensations nonjudgmentally and with compassion) our brain develops the habit of reacting to pain with grace and patience.

            When you find yourself thinking about a recent breakup or a recent rejection, close your eyes and pay attention to the sensations produced by your body. Take deep breaths and as you are feeling the sensations produced by your body, distance yourself from them, and observe them without judgment and with compassion. If your brain starts wandering and gets distracted, gently bring back your compassionate nonjudgmental attention to your body. Try to do this exercise for one minute and gradually increase its duration.

            With consistent practice, nonjudgmental acceptance will become our default reaction to breakups, rejections, and other disappointments that we experience in life. Every rejection and every breakup teaches us great lessons about relationships and about ourselves.

            Featured photo credit: condesign via pixabay.com

            Reference

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