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Why Is It Hard for Some People to Trust and How to Trust Again

Why Is It Hard for Some People to Trust and How to Trust Again

Trust no one. This seemingly beneficial virtue for a happy life can be a bit counterproductive, making issues where there didn’t need to be one. A lack of trust can lead to a multitude of issues, including the inability to maintain relationships. But if you trust too much, you leave yourself vulnerable; a target for disappointment.

The concept of trust: the firm belief in reliability, truth, ability, or strength of something or someone; is a bit foreign when reclusive secrecy has become the norm. But the fact of the matter is, if we build our walls up too high, we doom ourselves to a fate full of solitude and loneliness.

The concept of trust is developed early on in life, leaving room for developmental issues down the line.

During our infant and toddler stages, we as humans being assessing our emotions and grasp on certain dynamics. Our concept of trust is one of the first to be established. More often than not, trust issues are developed early on in life as a direct effect of an occurrence or lack thereof during childhood.[1]

    Children who did not receive consistent attention, nurturing, affection, appropriate discipline, or acceptance during their developing stages are likely to establish issues later on in life; and are likely to struggle with maintaining relationships. This is even more true for children who are exposed to abusive environments, as their view of normalcy in relationships has been permanently skewed.

    Trust issues can develop during any stage of life due to a variety of reasons.

    Trust issues are not exclusively linked to childhood experiences, they can really develop during any stage of life.[2]

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    Adolescence is another milestone for trying and developmentally altering experiences. Young teens who are bullied and teased at school or at home may develop a mistrust for their peers, as their self-esteem has been effected which in turn will play a monumental role on that individuals ability to trust.

    Traumatic life events during any stage of life including adulthood can seriously hinder the trust spectrum. Occurrences such as theft, illness, or loss of a loved one. This person has been disillusioned, and have to come to terms with new emotions such as loss of control, abandonment, or loss of security. On a more heinous scale, experiences such as sexual assault or rape can leave the victim stripped of the ability to trust.

      The most common of trust issues, relationship issues, can develop at anytime.

      Now, these can manifest during a normally healthy relationship, stemming from a childhood experience that clearly has not been processed. But more likely than not, everyone goes through “that one” relationship that turns their world upside down and alters the way that they view relationships and themselves indefinitely. Those who have been cheated on are likely to carry the notion into future relationships that no one can be trusted, and if they didn’t answer your text in 5 seconds, then they must be cheating.

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        And yes, granted, in today’s hook up culture, it’s difficult to give people the benefit of the doubt. With the illusion of variety and adoration generated by social media outlets; the promotion of “side pieces” and “main squeezes”, there’s not much room for the die-hard romantic who wants to achieve a meaningful and monogamous relationship.

        This may surprise you, but the cheater in the relationship is typically the one with real trust issues. There are very few reasons why people cheat, and although some of the reasons may be understandable, none are excusable.[3]

        But usually people tend to cheat when they’re feeling insecure, like they don’t “have it” anymore, or they have a nagging suspicion that their partner could or is doing better than them. To avoid being the one who gets betrayed, they go ahead and cheat so that they are in control of the situation so to speak.

        There is a direct connection between the existence of trust issues and mental health.

        Perhaps some of the most tragic trust issues are those that are generated by PTSD, due to some horrifyingly traumatic event. Many adults who have underwent war and all of the experiences that come with it, often carry those experiences with them off of the battleground.

        Many of these individuals feel that they did not receive the appropriate support from their government or their peers, after offering the ultimate sacrifice. That horrific experience leaves these heroes riddled with issues, trust being the main contender.

        Often times, the presence of trust issues are often couple with a multitude of additional issues. Be it abandonment, humiliation, or a traumatic physical experience, trust issues don’t travel alone. These additional ailments are a good indication as to what has caused the trust issues to begin with.

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        Although the trust has been lost, you can still gain it back.

        Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to this problem. Trust issues are deep seeded, stemmed from an early experience, ingraining itself into your overall development. But it is not the end all. It can be mended.

        Therapy – the most direct and effective way.

        This should be your first method of attack. I know, I know.

        Going to therapy eludes to some kind of stigma, like you’re crazy or something, or can’t handle your life. But the truth is that none of that is true. You’re just a bit damaged, and you may not even be aware as to what has caused the damage. You’re battling the after effects and you deserve a rest.

        Speaking to a counselor/therapist/psychologist can be incredibly beneficial, because you end up digging deep and unveiling aspects of yourself and memories that had been suppressed. This is helpful for both the individual as well as the couple, if the trust issues are within the relationship.

        Communication – a good relationship takes two.

        Just because your previous partner did you wrong doesn’t mean that every person out there is an insatiable, insecure sex fiend.

        Talk to them. Tell them how you’re feeling. You might think that you’re coming off as needy and whiny, but those qualities are much more welcoming when you compare them to paranoia, insecurity, accusing, and eventually resentful. Tell your partner how you’re feeling, and why you think that you have these emotions. If they’re willing to work with you and get to a place where you feel more comfortable, they’re a keeper.

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        If they’re thrown by your concerns, then you need to move on. You’re sliding down a toxic path to nowhere.

        Moving On – sometimes letting go is better than holding on.

        Sometimes it’s not all in your head. Sometimes you’ve learned from your passed experiences, and although they have left you a bit jaded, they have also left you with a intuitive wisdom. Perhaps your lack of trust has left you cynical, yet observant. Regardless of whether or not your resignations stem from a very real place, you have to weigh your happiness with the satisfaction of being right.

        If you’re mind is running a million miles a minute, trying to decipher if your partner is telling you the truth; it’s time to cut it off. It is bound to run its course eventually, otherwise you’re just stuck circling in the motions.

        You deserve happiness, and eventually you will find someone who doesn’t make you question every little thing.

        Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

        Reference

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        Jenn Beach

        Traveling vagabond, writer, & plant-based food enthusiast.

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        Last Updated on October 14, 2019

        12 Inspirational Speeches That Teach You the Most Valuable Life Lessons

        12 Inspirational Speeches That Teach You the Most Valuable Life Lessons

        The most valuable thing an experienced person has is their experience. People make mistakes, learn from them, and adapt their life around them to become better people. Those people would then tell tales to others to help teach those lessons so that others would not have to make the same mistakes.

        People still tell these stories today but in a slightly different format — they use speeches to express their experiences. Here are some valuable life lessons you can learn from some of the greatest inspirational speeches:

        1. JK Rowling teaches us to not fear failure no matter how bad things become

        It is a well-known fact that JK Rowling’s now-famous Harry Potter series was turned down by several publishers before it was finally picked up. Those publishers are likely kicking themselves in the pants right now. However, before that, JK Rowling was in a fairly dire situation and was on the brink of failure. Despite being turned down time and time again, she kept trying. Her efforts paid off. Harry Potter is now a ubiquitous character in today’s world culture. Despite failing over and over again, Rowling kept trying and fulfilled her dreams. You can watch her deliver some valuable life lessons in her Harvard commencement speech video above.

        2. Steve Jobs teaches us to never settle

        Steve Jobs had a fairly tumultuous life. He co-founded Apple, was kicked out of the company, came back, and then re-defined the mobile phone space with the iPhone. Even if iPhones aren’t the rage they once were, its iconic value is forever written in stone. One thing Jobs never did was settle. He lived life on his own terms and was rewarded for it by being dubbed one of the most revolutionary voices in technology of our time. In the Stanford commencement speech above, Jobs explains how you should never settle for what someone else wants out of your life. It’s your life and you should do what you want with it.

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        3. Admiral William H McRaven teaches us to make our beds every day

        Anyone who has gone through the basic training of a military service will tell you it’s pretty difficult. However, every seemingly obnoxious step is actually a life lesson in disguise. This even applies to flawlessly making one’s bed every single morning. As Admiral William H McRaven teaches us, recruits are taught to make their beds every morning to remind them that even the little things in life matter. After all, how can you be expected to handle the biggest obstacles in your life if you can’t even handle the small and the mundane like making your bed every day? You can watch the entire speech in the video above.

        4. Author David Foster Wallace teaches us that we’re a part of a greater existence

        David Foster Wallace found fame in 1987 with his book The Broom of the System. Nearly 20 years later in 2005 he game a commencement speech at Kenyon College that is worth listening to at least once. In his speech, he reminds us that was are but a part of a huge, dynamic, ever changing interaction of life forms. In order to truly experience life, we need to leave our personal bubbles and interact with others even if it’s in an unpleasant way. Wallace states, “It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.” You can watch the whole speech above.

        5. Stephen Colbert teaches us that life isn’t something you can plan

        If there is anyone who knows about improvisation, it’s comedian Stephen Colbert. In his commencement speech at Northwestern University in 2011, Colbert reminded students that you cannot plan life. Life throws too many curve balls. There are too many unpredictable things that can happen. The most successful and happy people are not those who have a plan, but those who can roll with the punches and overcome the obstacles. He goes on to site his time as an improv comic and how all of the actors working together to create a scene out of literally nothing are all working for one another. He states that like improv comedy, you don’t know what happens next in life. You just make it up as you go along. You can watch the whole speech above.

        6. Kurt Vonnegut teaches us to not sweat the small stuff

        Some of our younger readers may not know Kurt Vonnegut. He is a famous author that found of of his success during the middle of last century. In 1999, Kurt Vonnegut was at Agnes Scott College giving a commencement speech. During the speech, he mentioned that in order to live a more complete life, people needed to let stuff go. He argued that you cannot reasonably expect others to forgive you for your mistakes if you cannot forgive others and that you cannot live life fostering a personal vendetta against others.

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        7. Neil Gaiman teaches us that success can be distracting.

        Neil Gaiman is most known for his work in a number of literary mediums including journalism, comic books, and novels. In 2012, Gaiman gave a speech at the University of the Arts where he talked about success. He stated that when you become successful, you may be unintentionally swayed from performing the actions that made you successful. Gaiman recalled his early success and how he felt pressured to answer emails all day long and it actually prevented him from writing as much as he wanted. So he reminds us to keep doing what makes us successful and to not let others get in the way.

        8. Barack Obama’s life lessons teaches us that you really can beat the odds

        We know that not everyone likes Barack Obama but that doesn’t mean the man can’t deliver an amazing speech. In this 2004 keynote speech at the Democratic National Convenction, Obama reminds that it is possible to beat the odds and become something great. He cites his own upbringing as an example and how he was never expected to make it as far as he did. It shows that when you’re passionate about something and when you try hard enough, you can accomplish almost anything. It’s important to note that Obama talks about this in 2004 and would become the President of the United States just four years later.

        9. Robin Roberts reminds us that we each have the courage to overcome challenges

        Robin Roberts knows a thing or two about courage. She is a breast cancer survivor and has done battle with a rare blood disease called myelodysplastic syndrome. Her sister once had to donate bone marrow just so Robin could remain alive. She was also ESPN’s first African American broadcaster in the early 1990’s. She’s a woman who works in an industry predominately populated by men. So when Robin Roberts takes the stage at the ESPYs and delivers a short lecture on having courage, we would do well to listen!

        10. Martin Luther King Jr. reminds us that some things are more important than success

        We all know the story of Martin Luther King Jr. So much so that we have a day of the year to celebrate him as a national holiday here in the United States. Most of us have listening to segments of his famous speech where he told the world about a dream he had. The main message of his famous speech is that racial inequalities needed to end and he was absolutely right. However, he also reminds us that there are things that are more important than success such as equal rights and treating each other with respect and kindness. If you somehow made it through school without watching the famous speech, we’ve got it linked above.

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        11. Jim Carrey reminds us that even if you keep it safe, you can still fail so you might as well go big

        Jim Carrey delivered a commencement speech at Maharishi University recently that went absolutely viral. You may know it as the one minute video that will change your life. They weren’t lying but they weren’t telling the whole truth because the speech was actually 28 minutes long. During the speech, Carrey talks about his father who wanted to be a comedian but decided to take the safe route and become an accountant. As it turns out, his father was laid off and his family ended up poor anyway. With that, Carrey tells us that you can still end up failing even if you play it safe so you might as well swing for the fences and do what you want to do.

        12. Bill Murray teaches us that it’s the hard times that determine if someone really loves you

        You may have heard the story about Bill Murray crashing someone’s bachelor party and delivering a speech. It turns out the speech was both short and fairly epic. During the speech, Bill Murray challenged the bachelors to travel around the world with the women they love and go to places that are difficult to go to and deal with. He says if you can get back to the United States and you still love each other, then you should get married right then and there. It’s a great message. It’s easy to love one another when times are good but do you still love each other when the times are bad? If so, that’s true love according to Bill Murray.

        Final thoughts

        Inspiration comes from everywhere and from anyone. There are a countless number of speeches and stories that can teach us an incalculable number of life lessons.

        All these speeches almost share the same message: Don’t be afraid to fail and keep trying.

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        If you also want to live your best life like the above successful people, this is what you should start doing:

        You’ll Only Live Your Best Life Once You Step Out

        At the end of the day, everything is inspirational. It’s just a matter of finding the message that we need to hear to change our lives.

        Featured photo credit: Miguel Henriques via unsplash.com

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