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Published on December 10, 2019

How to Stop Feeling Guilty and Move on from the Past

How to Stop Feeling Guilty and Move on from the Past

Despite being of a negative nature, guilt ought to be used as a sign or a motivator for improving emotional intelligence and mental health. However, it shouldn’t be used as a motivation tactic.[1]

Guilt, triggered as a biochemical reaction of an event with bad outcome, is a negative mental energy (negative emotion), a repetitive feeling of having a bad conscience about having done something wrong or not having done something.

Consequently, there is an inner conflict that impacts self-worth, leaving a feeling of insecurity which results in lack of control over actions. Remorse follows as a result which leads to inward self-punishment that has humiliating effects on the mental health like, anxiety, doubt and complex of inferiority. It’s no wonder that one’s self-confidence is destroyed when guilt cannot be handled properly.

Obviously, we want to prevent this and learn how to not feel guilty but let guilt trigger a call for righteous action and self-improvement. In this article, we will apply 4 steps and practice to turn guilt into a positive outcome, understanding its dynamic structure as an emotion and get the knowledge of how to not feel guilty ever again.

No matter how many statistics or researches we’re going to read about the different types of guilt that have been classified, and which type of guilt we feel, nothing can help the fact that the guilt has to be faced and dealt with — because its feeling is present (but not entirely real).

The feeling of guilt must be approached with the idea of reducing the pressure of the anxiety and uncertainty created through the big question “What have I done?”

Let’s approach it right away and investigate deeper into that knowledge.

Step 1: Put Guilt Where It Belongs

You probably wonder “How long it takes to get rid of the guilt? The answer is: it can be a lifetime or only a minute – it’s a matter of understanding the origin and the nature of guilt, and your decision about the approach of dealing with it.

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The approach begins by understanding the fact that the origin of guilt belongs to the past. Each time we feel guilt, we reactivate a memory of a dead event. For example, let’s say you are in a peaceful state of mind where all of a sudden, someone blames you about a thing you have (or haven’t) done some while ago. Immediately, there is (inflicted) guilt; confusion or frustration you feel.

Since the origin of guilt lies in the past, we want to handle the past to our advantage and not stay in it. Because when we do, we feed the dead event (making it alive and present) inflaming the feeling of guilt constantly. Guilt affects us physically and mentally and invites confusion and suffering to our presence.

The first step for how to not feel guilty is to:

  • Leave the guilt to the origin of the event – in the past.
  • Act consciously and constructively – in the present.

This will lift off pressure and enable you to investigate and resolve your guilt. You must act from a neutral position with a clear mind, unclouded by any emotions.

Picture this: A building is burning and you run to save your life. On your way out, you try to save as many people as possible. You have run passed more than twenty people but saved only one. You are still running, not thinking or feeling guilty about the ones you couldn’t save.

You see, you don’t get stuck in the past creating an emotion that is of no use at that moment, but stay present without inflicting guilt on you and focus on moving forward constructively to repair whatever possible. Occupy yourself with present priorities!

But what happens if there is the acknowledgement of direct actual wrongdoing caused? How to not feel guilty then?

Step 2: Improve the Skill of Acceptance

Relax, there is no person in this world that hasn’t suffered or dealt with guilt. Life consist of making mistakes and as a result of a committed mistake, guilt is an ingredient of life.

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When you’re conscious of the wrongdoing, the event still stays in the past, it is irreversible and you can put the feeling behind you by:

  • Accepting your guilt and the fact that you can handle it. Although the event and the cause are irreversible, its effect is temporary and you have the power to change it.
  • Expressing will and courage to repair the wrongdoing – firstly, to yourself, and secondly, to the parties affected by the event.

Don’t get intimidated about not possessing a heroic capacity of courage, that’s not needed here. We know that there is a lack of courage in society today, but that little courage to put the guilt behind you and focus on reparation and self-improvement, that much you have.

Acting this way will amplify your courage and you will be able to notice a sense of worth within. Instantly your suffering will cease to exist! You’re still conscious of the guilt but don’t suffer from it anymore. You’re on your way to repair and improve things and become the “better version of yourself”. Alone, this is a great achievement and an act of fulfillment.

Occupying yourself with the search for the right action will motivate you to find out what to do and how to do it.

And what to do when the guilt is self-inflicted?

Step 3: Improve Emotional Intelligence

So many times we have failed at things and felt guilty, and so many times we’ve made others feel guilty. But most of the times, many of us impose guilt on ourselves for no objective reason. The more we impose guilt on ourselves, the more we disconnect from our emotional intelligence, and fail to understand the signals of our emotions and that of other people around us.[2]

Therefore, it is inevitable to understand guilt as a sign for practicing acceptance and behavior improvement in order to improve emotional intelligence. Otherwise, we run the risk of becoming emotionally incompetent.

After a meditation seminar in Switzerland back in 2011, one of my clients said to me that she feels guilty about the global warming and deeply concerned about saving the planet. She was already living a holistic life but still wondered how to make her lifestyle even more eco-friendlier.

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I recommended her to travel to a poor country and see the difference between cultures and lifestyles. She decided not to go because of the high CO2 emissions caused by the airplanes she would fly with. On top of that, she resigned from driving to work, taking the train instead which added more hours and hustle in transporting herself. She suffered badly from self-inflicted, inappropriate guilt from things she wasn’t personally responsible for. Her internal conflicts made her feel helpless.

A specific meditation on guilt which I prepared for her, helped her focus on activities in her domain of responsibilities. There she worked diligently achieving real positive outcome and her internal conflicts about the global warming came to an end. She managed to use guilt as motivator to focus on her health and achieve emotional stability. That made her realize that her actions are worthwhile and later got involved in charitable and ecological projects for poor countries.

Most of us are confronted with similar situations in life from which we impose guilt on ourselves without ever inquiring if we are really accountable for any of that guilt. I urge you to accept your position, tune in deeply within your feelings (more effective if practicing deep breathing exercises) and inquire to find out where you made a mistake.

This way, you’ll be able to balance your emotions and improve your emotional intelligence.

Step 4: Choose How You Want to Feel

This is the most important step. How can you deal with strong unresolved guilt?

The sense of unresolved guilt doesn’t mean you have to carry it with you, let alone leave to disrupt other aspects of your life. No matter how intense your guilt, it’s still in the past and its mere existence must not be a reason for self-punishment.

Even if it can’t be repaired, it can be repaid. Offer yourself to repay the wrongdoing in any way possible. That is an act of courage and self-acceptance. This act alone, for which you have the freedom to choose it at any time, will make you feel great, honest, loyal and righteous. No one can take that opportunity away from you.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”. — Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search For Meaning

As a Holocaust survivor, Viktor E. Frankl understood and chose not to succumb to the negative forces imposed on him.

Use your freedom and the opportunity to shift from the emotion of guilt to the driving desire of achieving a positive outcome and feel the way you want to feel. In such a case, guilt can be one of the greatest life-teachers.

Your Freedom to Choose Your Attitude

Remember, the inability to manage guilt is a hindrance for your emotional growth and it damages your mental health. Choose an attitude of an achiever in your particular set of circumstances. Awaken the dormant potential within you which will show you the solution and bestow you with inner peace.

Love yourself and use your guilt to grow magnificently together with your inner freedom. I would recommend you to use this simple and proven breathing technique:

Inhale gently – saying “This guilt and my inner freedom motivate me to find solutions…

Exhale gently – saying “…so all guilt fades away.”

The immense effect of inhalation and exhalation is so immediate that when you apply it seriously and absolutely, the feeling of guilt ceases to exist. Realize that you are worthy and capable of repairing your wrongdoing no matter what it takes.

Turn guilt into courage and be present with a vision for doing something worthwhile again. I salute the spirit in you!

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More About Freeing Your Mind

Featured photo credit: Jean Gerber via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Marcin Gil

Marcin is a spiritual being just like anyone challenging to uncover what we already have โ€“ spiritual freedom.

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Last Updated on April 6, 2020

10 Powerful Ways to Influence People Positively

10 Powerful Ways to Influence People Positively

Most discussions on positively influencing others eventually touch on Dale Carnegie’s seminal work, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Written more than 83 years ago, the book touches on a core component of human interaction, building strong relationships. It is no wonder why.

Everything that we do hinges on our ability to connect with others and formulate deep relationships. You cannot sell a house, buy a house, advance in most careers, sell a product, pitch a story, teach a course, etc. without building healthy relationships. Managers get the best results from their teams, not through brute force, but to careful appeals to their sensibilities, occasional withdrawals from the reservoir of respect they’ve built. Using these tactics, they can influence others to excellence, to productivity, and to success.

Carnegie’s book is great. Of course, there are other resources too. Most of us have someone in our lives who positively influences us. The truth is positively influencing people is about centering the humanity of others. Chances are, you know someone who is really good at making others feel like stars. They can get you to do things that the average person cannot. Where the requests of others sound like fingernails on a chalkboard, the request from this special person sounds like music to your ears. You’re delighted to not only listen but also to oblige.

So how to influence people in a positive way? Read on for tips.

1. Be Authentic

To influence people in a positive way, be authentic. Rather than being a carbon copy of someone else’s version of authenticity, uncover what it is that makes you unique.

Discover your unique take on an issue and then live up to and honor that. Once of the reasons social media influencers are so powerful is that they have carved out a niche for themselves or taken a common issue and approached it from a novel or uncommon way. People instinctually appreciate people whose public persona matches their private values.

Contradictions bother us because we crave stability. When someone professes to be one way, but lives contrary to that profession, it signals that they are confused or untrustworthy and thereby, inauthentic. Neither of these combinations bode well for positively influencing others.

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2. Listen

Growing up, my father would tell me to listen to what others said. He told me if I listened carefully, I would know all I needed to know about a person’s character, desires and needs.

To positively influence others, you must listen to what is spoken and what is left unsaid. Therein lies the explanation for what people need in order to feel validated, supported and seen. If a person feels they are invisible, and unseen by their superiors, they are less likely to be positively influenced by that person.

Listening meets a person’s primary need of validation and acceptance.

Take a look at this guide on how to be a better listener: How to Practice Active Listening (A Step-By-Step Guide)

3. Become an Expert

Most people are predisposed to listen to, if not respect, authority. If you want to positively influence others, become an authority in the area in which you seek to lead others. Research and read everything you can about the given topic, and then look for opportunities to put your education into practice.

You can argue over opinions. You cannot argue, or it is unwise to argue, over facts and experts come with facts.

4. Lead with Story

From years of working in the public relations space, I know that personal narratives, testimonials and impact stories are incredibly powerful. But I never cease to be amazed with how effective a well-timed and told story can be.

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If you want to influence people, learn to tell stories. Your stories should be related to the issue or concept you are discussing. They should be an analogy or metaphor that explains your topic in ordinary terms and in vivid detail. To learn more about how to tell powerful stories, and the ethics of storytelling, take a look at this article: How To Tell An Interesting Story In 4 Simple Steps

5. Lead by Example

It is incredibly inspiring to watch passionate, talented people at work or play. One of the reasons a person who is not an athlete can be in awe of athletic prowess is because human nature appreciates the extraordinary. When we watch the Olympics, Olympic trials, gymnastic competitions, ice skating, and other competitive sports, we can recognize the effort of people who day in and day out give their all. C

ase in point: Simone Biles. The gymnast extraordinaire won her 6TH all-around title at the U.S. Gymnastics Championships after doing a triple double. She was the first woman to do so. Watching her gave me chills. Even non-gymnasts and non-competitive athletes can appreciate the talent required to pull off such a remarkable feat.

We celebrate remarkable accomplishments and believe that their example is proof that we too can accomplish something great, even if it isn’t qualifying for the Olympics. To influence people in a positive way, we must lead by example, lead with intention and execute with excellence.

6. Catch People Doing Good

A powerful way to influence people in a positive way is to catch people doing good. Instead of looking for problems, look for successes. Look for often overlooked, but critically important things that your peers, subordinates and managers do that make the work more effective and more enjoyable.

Once you catch people doing good, name and notice their contributions.

7. Be Effusive with Praise

It did not take me long to notice a remarkable trait of a former boss. He not only began and ended meetings with praise, but he peppered praise throughout the entire meeting. He found a way to celebrate the unique attributes and skills of his team members. He was able to quickly and accurately assess what people were doing well and then let them and their colleagues know.

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Meetings were not just an occasion to go through a “To Do” list, they were opportunities to celebrate accomplishments, no matter how small they are.

8. Be Kind Rather Than Right

I am going to level with you; this one is tough. It is easy to get caught up in a cycle of proving oneself. For people who lack confidence, or people who prioritize the opinions of others, being right is important. The validation that comes with being perceived as “right” feeds one’s ego. But in the quest to be “right,” we can hurt other people. Once we’ve hurt someone by being unkind, it is much harder to get them to listen to what we’re trying to influence them to do.

The antidote to influencing others via bullying is to prioritize kindness above rightness. You can be kind and still stand firm in your position. For instance, many people think that they need others to validate their experience. If a person does not see the situation you experienced in the way you see it, you get upset. But your experience is your experience.

If you and your friends go out to eat and you get food poisoning, you do not need your friends to agree that the food served at the restaurant was problematic for you. Your own experience of getting food poisoning is all the validation you need. Therefore, taking time to be right is essentially wasted and, if you were unkind in seeking validation for your food-poison experience, now you’ve really lost points.

9. Understand a Person’s Logical, Emotional and Cooperative Needs

The Center for Creative Leadership has argued that the best way to influence others is to appeal to their logical, emotional and cooperative needs. Their logical need is their rational and educational need. Their emotional need is the information that touches them in a deeply personal manner. The cooperative need is understanding the level of cooperation various individuals need and then appropriately offering it.

The trick with this system is to understand that different people need different things. For some people, a strong emotional appeal will outweigh logical explanations. For others, having an opportunity to collaborate will override emotional connection.

If you know your audience, you will know what they need in order to be positively influenced. If you have limited information about the people whom you are attempting to influence, you will be ineffective.

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10. Understand Your Lane

If you want to positively influence others, operate from your sphere of influence. Operate from your place of expertise. Leave everything else to others. Gone are the days when being a jack of all trades is celebrated.

Most people appreciate brands that understand their target audience and then deliver on what that audience wants. When you focus on what you are uniquely gifted and qualified to do, and then offer that gift to the people who need it, you are likely more effective. This effectiveness is attractive.

You cannot positively influence others if you are more preoccupied by what others do well versus what you do well.

Final Thoughts

Influencing people is about centering your humanity. If you want to influence others positively, focus on the way you communicate and improve the relationship with yourself first.

It’s hard to influence others if you’re still trying to figure out how to communicate with yourself.

More Tips About Making Influence

Featured photo credit: Wonderlane via unsplash.com

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