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How to Love Someone in the Way They Need

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How to Love Someone in the Way They Need

When I turned 30, my husband threw me a “surprise” party. I add quotes because my husband can’t keep a secret, no matter how hard he tries. He thought that by throwing me a surprise party he was showing how much he loved me. He actually believed I’d be thrilled beyond words. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

Here’s the thing: I don’t like surprises. And I don’t like parties. Furthermore, as an introvert by nature, I don’t like being around large groups of people. An ideal “party” for me would have been a quiet dinner with just the family, or a couple of close friends.

We speak very different love languages, my husband and I. He planned a big gala affair because that’s what he would have liked. He honestly imagined I’d like it, too. A party of 30 people was not my idea of being loved in the way I would have liked being loved. To his credit, however, it was early on in our relationship, and he wasn’t yet in tune to the love language I spoke. He knows better than to try something like that today.

Even though I wasn’t thrilled about the party, I didn’t say so, not until much later in our marriage. I really appreciated how hard he tried to please me, to make me happy, and to celebrate a milestone birthday. He attempted to show his love in the best way he knew how, and for that, I was grateful.

Love—it’s a big word. It’s one that stirs up big feelings. However, query anyone about love and its meaning, and you’ll more than likely catch that someone stumbling all over themselves in an effort to do it succinctly. I mean, how do you describe a word that carries with it so many possible manifestations? There is no easy way.

What Is Love?

The word love is both a noun and a verb. In relationships, be that as it may, it is mostly demonstrated with some type of action, subtle or grand, but an action, nonetheless, making it very much a verb. Love and its multiple meanings leave its expression ample room for creativity. Because it can be expressed in so many ways, it can often leave lovers disappointed in its wake if not received in the anticipated way.

Based on disparate backgrounds and world views, people feel love and show love in a myriad of contrasting ways. If you and your partner speak love in the same manner, no problem. You will both be quite happy, satisfied, and in tune with each other.

But if you don’t, then a little talk might be in order. If you want to have your intimate emotional needs[1] met, letting your partner know the ways in which you feel loved is important. It’s also salient to understand the way in which they express their love. One way is not better than the other. It just has to do with personal preference and feelings of familiarity.

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Talking about your expectations eliminates the guess work of how to communicate your love to each other. It allows you both to tune into the same channel; you’ll get along and feel as though you’re getting your love needs met. People are different, and so respond differently to displays of affection, however they may manifest.

An important question to ask yourself is, “How do I feel most loved?” And, “How does my partner?” Both have to be addressed and implemented in your relationship if you want it to thrive.

How to Show Love

According to Dr. Gary Chapman[2], author of The Five Love Languages, he states that there are five basic ways to communicate your love to your partner. Let me break those down for you. This will give you a glimpse into the many ways you can show your partner you love them, in the way they need that to be shown, and vice versa.

1. Words of Affirmation

This love speak has to do with the spoken or written word. If you’re with someone whose primary language is affirming words of love, you might want to say (often), “I love you! You’re the best thing since sliced bread!” Or leave random notes throughout the house proclaiming your undying love. Loving, sweet texts will work, too.

If you’re with a partner who needs words of affirmation to feel loved, then make sure to tell them in words, and/or in writing, how you feel. You will have one happy camper on your hands. Working eight hours a day to provide for her/him, or bringing home a bouquet of flowers won’t necessarily do the trick. Unless, of course, when you hand over the dozen tulips you look into his/her eyes and say, “I love you more than life! You are my soul mate, my one and all. These flowers pale in comparison to your divine beauty!” Now you’re talking.

More than the actual saying of the words, it’s the meaning behind the words that matter most. If your partner speaks this language, they need to know you appreciate them with open and honest communication. Make sure you praise, encourage, tell, write—whatever you can—to express your love. That will have a beautiful impact on your relationship. Remember, however, that negative words[3] can have a very strong impact in the other direction, so be very mindful of what you say and how you say it.

2. Acts of Service

The sweetest words I can hear are, “I’ll take care of that for you!” Those words make me feel more loved than any other, especially when it relieves me of having to do a stressful task. This is definitely my primary love language. I have major issues with laziness, or someone who doesn’t follow through with their commitments.

If your partner is like me, then you’re going to want to discover where their needs lie. Try to pay attention to the small things in your relationship, and remember them! Bring these up at the correct time to surprise them and make them feel special. They’ll appreciate that you took the time to notice what kind of restaurant they like or what movie they like to watch on the weekends[4].

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If that’s not enough, look around…does something around the house need fixing? Can you help out by making the bed or doing the dishes? Maybe filling up a flat tire on their bike? If your partner’s primary love language is acts of service—anything that can take the load off—then find a way to do just that. Your honey will be extremely grateful, trust me.

3. Receiving Gifts

Every time my son would FaceTime with his girlfriend, he noticed her struggle to unravel her tangled earbuds. It would always take her several minutes to get situated. So, when he showed up at her house with a pair of wireless earbuds, she was blown away.

For a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts, it’s more than just the gift itself. My son’s girlfriend was wowed because she recognized the thought behind the gift. He was paying attention to her needs. By giving her that gift, he was speaking her language of love. She knew that it came from the heart and his desire to not see her struggle.

Without really realizing its importance, my son did a great thing for her. She felt happy, secure, and like someone was really looking out for her. More than the visual sight of the gift, her overwhelming warm and fuzzy feelings came from his motivation.

If your partner feels loved by receiving gifts, know that the gifts do not have to be expensive. Even though this is not my primary language, I appreciate useful items. For example, a friend of mine once gave me three sticks of lip balm. Wow! It’s such a small thing when you think about it, but I use those all the time, so it was the perfect gift. Little trinkets here and there serve their purpose. It lets the person know you’re thinking about them[5]

Don’t underestimate their power. As long as the gift is from the heart, it’s all good.

4. Quality Time

One-on-one time, undivided attention, and shared activities…if this sounds good to you, then this is your primary love speak. Quality time probably needs a little more attention than the other four ways to show love because it requires, well, time. And it seems like people nowadays are hard-pressed to provide it because they just don’t have it, or they claim not to.

So, if your partner feels loved by having cozy dinners, just the two of you, cuddling up and watching movies, going for bike rides, or taking long walks, then make the time. This will make your relationship prosper. Your investment of time will pay amazing dividends. Your partner will feel loved and cared for.

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Even if this is not the favored love language for either of you, it’s critical to spend the time with your mate. This will aid in creating a strong and solid relationship. And as you can see above, it doesn’t have to be 24/7.

If you fancy being out with friends, rock climbing, running marathons, or what-have-you, don’t despair. You can do both. You can have your alone time, just as long as you dedicate that much-appreciated couple’s time to your partner.

5. Physical Touch

When Dr. Chapman talks about physical touch as being a love language, he’s not necessarily referring to touching with sexual undertones. The physical touch to which he is referring is hand holding, a shoulder squeeze, a hand on the back, little touches here and there.

My husband’s primary love language is physical touch. Mine is not. But because I know that he feels loved by my physical touch, I’ll rub his back when I walk by him, or squeeze his hand as we’re driving, hug him as we pass each other in the kitchen, etc. Even the smallest acts of touch can go a long way.

Even though physical touch is not my preferred love speak, I want my husband to feel loved in the way that he needs, hence I make the effort to make those gestures. His whole demeanor changes. I can feel his happiness through my touch.

Incorporating More Than One Love Language

I want to add here that while a person has a desired love language, they can speak a little bit of the other love languages as well. For instance, your love language might be physical touch, but you still really enjoy receiving gifts, or spending quality time with your partner.

It’s important to know what language your partner speaks, yes. In this way you can show them you love them in the way that it will be the most meaningful to them. You are not sacrificing anything in the process. You will, however, make a big impact on your partner, create feelings of love, security, and happiness. In contrast…

While it’s wonderful and essential to show your partner love in the way they need, it is just as important to recognize the way in which your partner feels comfortable expressing their love to you. For instance, if their way of expressing love is by doing acts of service for you, don’t make them feel diminished, as though they don’t love you simply because they didn’t come home with a sparkling tennis bracelet.

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See the value in what they’re doing. If that’s the way of expressing their love for you, take it. Understand they don’t love you any less; they’re just showing it in a different way. Negating their methods will just make them feel bad, create an argument, or just make you look ungrateful. David Braucher, LCSW, Ph.D, writes:

“Maybe it would be hard for them, though I’m not saying they shouldn’t try. But if we are complaining about what we are not getting without appreciating what we do receive, we are rejecting a very intimate part of them. And we don’t want to reject them! We love them. We love that they love us. We just want them to express their love differently—the way we want it.”[6]

All the love languages are important. You can play around with one or all. One is not better than the other, as I’ve said. It’s important to recognize the way in which we want to be loved and express it, but it goes both ways. Just because your partner forgets your anniversary doesn’t mean s/he doesn’t love you. It could mean s/he was busy and had a lot on his/her mind.

Final Thoughts

There are many ways to express love. Understanding what your partner needs is essential, but understanding how your partner demonstrates his/her love is just as important. Don’t allow your insecurities to manipulate you. If you catch yourself saying, “If s/he loved me, s/he would have…” Not necessarily. Just because someone doesn’t express love in the same love language doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Be grateful for what they do for you and how they express it.

Love is the universal language. It can be spoken in many different ways. Allow room in your relationship to speak as many as you can. After all, love is love!

More on How to Love Someone

Featured photo credit: Giorgio Trovato via unsplash.com

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Rossana Snee

Rossana is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She aspires to motivate, to inspire, and to awaken your best self!

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

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