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Why You and Your Partner Don’t Need to Speak the Same Love Language to Stay Together

Why You and Your Partner Don’t Need to Speak the Same Love Language to Stay Together

How do you express love? How do you want to be loved in a relationship? If you’re like most of us, you fall into 1 of the 5 love language categories (with a couple strong influencers):[1]

  • Words of Affirmation – Saying: “I love you”, “You’re amazing”, and “I’m so lucky”.
  • Acts of Service – Actions speak louder than words.
  • Receiving Gifts – Little tokens of love and affection make you smile all day.
  • Quality Time – Time is valuable and you want to spend it with your significant other.
  • Physical Touch – Hugging, cuddling, and holding hands is how you let the world know you’re in love.

Now that you’ve identified your personal love language, what about your partner’s? Is it the same or different? Do you know?

It may feel like you don’t understand each other, but having different love languages is not the end of the world.

You’ve just spent your entire evening with your partner instead of reading that book you really wanted to get to. Despite that, they’re upset you haven’t kissed them in the last 4 hours. You just can’t understand what more they want from you. Sounds familiar? Or you ask them why they never say, “I love you.” They respond, “Don’t you like it when I bring you chocolates?” And you can’t see the connection.

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The biggest problem with this is that your messages of love might not be understood by each other.[2] Don’t worry! It’s pretty normal to be with somebody who communicates love differently. Not everyone speaks the same love language.[3] While it might be nice to have a partner that understands exactly what you need to feel loved, it isn’t the end of the world if you don’t. After all, we can’t all be exactly the same, how can we?

You can speak different love languages and still have a healthy relationship.

For couples worried about their future together, here’s some soothing relationship advice: You can have different love languages and still maintain a healthy relationship. The two of you just need to put in a little effort to understand your different needs. Understanding what your partner needs means you can make sure to give it to them.[4] It’s all about communication.

1. Get to know your partner’s love language the easy way.

Start paying attention to the little things your partner says and does. What seems to make them happy? When do they start to feel unhappy or complain about the way things are going? Talking to each other about your romantic needs and wants is a huge and important step. It also takes time.

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Or, just get together for a date night at home, make a few drinks, prepare a few snacks, and take this online quiz.

Be truthful and respond to the questions from your heart to get the most accurate answer. Taking the 5 love languages quiz will help both of you identify exactly what your love languages are in a matter of minutes. It also helps prevent any miscommunication or misunderstandings you might have while trying to figure it out on your own.

2. Learn to speak your partner’s love language.

Once you identify your love languages, keep following the relationship advice of so many: learn to speak your partner’s love language! Start showing love according to what they understand as love.[5] Sound easy? It’s not the most difficult thi ng in the world, but it certainly isn’t the easiest either.

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You are literally learning to speak a new language. This means learning all the right things to say, how and when to say them, and learning what not to say. Here are some great pieces of relationship advice for what to do if you and your partner speak different love languages.[6]

  • Acts of Service: Try doing little things to show them how much you care. Get their car washed, pack their lunch, and remember to return their book to the library.
  • Quality Time: Put away the cell phone and give them your undivided attention. Take a weekend getaway or play a board game between just the two of you.
  • Words of Affirmation: Remember to verbalize what you think. Show them your appreciation, send random texts throughout the day, or send a handwritten note in their briefcase or backpack.
  • Receiving Gifts: Bring them small things occasionally. Things like their favorite chapstick, a coffee from the local coffee shop, and good book are always welcome. Try to never forget special dates like birthdays and anniversaries!
  • Physical Touch: Make an effort to reach out and hold their hand. Hug your significant other after you haven’t seen each other all day and never forget good morning kisses.

3. Learn to communicate with your lover and compromise.

Relationship advice concerning how to learn your partner’s love language is full of one word: compromise. Learning to compromise isn’t easy, it’s full of doubts and struggles. Why? Because compromising is about giving something up and who wants to do that? Anyone who wants their relationship to work, that’s who.

Relationships are all about give and take. So, what do you do if your partner’s love language is Physical Touch and you can’t stand to hold hands for longer than 2 minutes? Well, you learn to hold hands, hug, and cuddle. You do this even though it makes you slightly uncomfortable because you care about expressing your love in a way your significant other will understand. It’s not just about you giving in, though. For this compromising to work out, your partner is going to have to do the same. Is Quality Time your love language? Guess what? They’re going to have to miss their favorite TV show or that all important championship game every once in a while to go out for a walk or have a conversation over a cup of coffee with you.

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Remember this relationship advice: it’s not impossible to be with somebody who has a different love language. It just means being more in tune with the special needs of your relationship and caring so much for the other person that you’re willing to put in the extra effort.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

More by this author

Amber Pariona

EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It How to Know If You’re Really in Love or Not (Yes It Can Be Confusing) Why You and Your Partner Don’t Need to Speak the Same Love Language to Stay Together Why Worrying About Losing a Friend Is Unnecessary No.1 Relationship Killer: Your Good Intention to Advise Your Partner When They’re Upset

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Last Updated on September 11, 2020

Why a Life Without Pain Is the Guarantee to True Suffering

Why a Life Without Pain Is the Guarantee to True Suffering

No one wants to suffer. As a general rule, people like to avoid hurt and pain as much as possible. As a species, humans want a painless existence so much that scientists make a living trying to create it.

People can now choose “pain-free” labor for babies, and remedies to cure back pain, headaches, body-pains and even mental pains are a dime a dozen. Beyond medicine, we also work hard to experience little pain even when it comes to loss; often times we believe a breakup won’t hurt as much if we are the ones to call it off.

But would a world without pain truly be painless? It’s unlikely. In fact, it would probably be painful exactly for that reason.

If people never experienced hurt, they wouldn’t know what it was. On the surface level, that seems like a blessing, but think for a moment: if we didn’t know pain, how would we know peace? If you don’t know you’ve hurt or been hurt, how would you know that you need to heal? Imagine someone only knowing they have an incurable cancer at the final stage because no obvious symptoms have appeared at early stages.

Without the feeling of pain, people won’t be aware of dangerous situations—what should or shouldn’t do for survival.

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Pain Is Our Guardian

Pain serves to protect human beings from harmful actions. It’s the same reason parents teach babies that fire equals hot, and that hot equals hurt. Should the baby still place its hand in a fire or on a stove, the intense pain remains so memorable, that the child is certain never to repeat that action.

In the same way, pain within human bodies can serve as a warning that something is not right. Because you know what it is to feel “well,” you know what it is to feel poorly.[1]

Along with serving as a teacher of what not to do, pain also teaches you what you are made of in terms of what you can handle as an individual.

While the cliche, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a tired term, it’s used excessively for a reason: it’s true. Pain helps you learn to cope with life’s inevitable difficulties and sadnesses— to develop the grit it takes to push past hardships and carry on.

Whether it’s a shattering pain, like the loss of a loved one or a debilitating accident, pain affects everyone differently. But it still affects everyone. Take a breakup as an example, anyone who has experienced it knows it can hurt to the point of feeling physical. Especially the first breakup. At a young age, it feels like the loss of the only love you’ll ever know. As you grow and learn, you realize you’re more resilient with every ended relationship.

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No Pain, No Happiness

You only know happiness when you have known pain. While the idea of constant happiness sounds nice, there is little chance it would be. Without the comparison to happiness, there’s no reason to be grateful for it. That is to say, without ever knowing sadness or pain, you would have no reason to be grateful for happiness.

In reality, there is always something missing, or something unpleasant, but it is only through those realizations that you know to be grateful when you feel you have it all. Read more about why happiness and pain have to exist together: Chasing Happiness Won’t Make You Happy

In a somewhat counter-intuitive finding, researchers found one of the things that brings about the most happiness is challenge. When people are tested, they experience a greater sense of accomplishment and happiness when they are successful. It is largely for this reason that low-income individuals can often feel happier than those who have a sense of wealth.[2]

This is a great thing to remember the next time you feel you would be happier if you just had a little more cash.

Avoiding Pain Leads to More Suffering

Pain is inevitable, embrace it positively. Anyone who strives to have a painless life is striving for perfectionism; and perfectionism guarantees sadness because nothing will ever be perfect.

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This isn’t a bleak outlook, but rather a truthful one. The messy moments in life tend to create the best memories and gratitude. Pain often serves as a reminder of lessons learned, much like physical scars on the body.

Pain will always be painful, but it’s the hurt feelings that help wiser decisions be made.

Allow Room for the Inevitable

Learning how to tolerate pain, especially the emotional kind, is a valuable lesson.

Accepting and feeling pain makes you human. There is no weakness in that. Weakness only comes when you try to blame your own pain on someone else, expecting the blame to alleviate your hurting. There’s a saying,

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

Think back to the last time you were really angry with someone. Maybe you were hurt because you got laid off from a job. You felt angry and that anger caused so much pain that you could feel it in a physical way. Being angry and blaming your ex boss for that pain didn’t affect him or her in any way; you’re the only one who lost sleep over it.

The healthier thing to do in a situation like that is acknowledge your pain and the anger along with it. Accept it and explore it in an introspective way. How can you learn and grow? What is at the root of that pain? Are you truly hurting and angry about being laid off, or is the pain more a correlation to you feeling like you failed?

While uncomfortable, exploring your pain is a way to raise your self-awareness. By understanding more about yourself, you know how to deal with similar situations in the future. You can never expect to be numb to difficult situations, but you will learn to better prepare financially for the loss of a job and be grateful for an income since you now know nothing is promised (no matter how much you work or how deserving you may feel).

Pain Hurts, but Numbness Would Be Worse

Pain does not feel good, but the bad feeling of it will help you learn and grow. It makes the sweet moments in life even sweeter and the gratitude more sincere.

To have a happier and more successful life, you don’t learn from success or accomplishment, but through pain and failures. For it is in those moments that you learn how to do better in the future or at least cope a little more easily.

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You are the strong person you are today because of the hardships this life has presented to you. While you may have felt out of control when those hard times came, the one thing you will always have control over is how you choose to react to things. The next time you hurt or you’re angry or sad, acknowledge it and allow yourself to ruminate in it. Then take a deep breath and start learning from that pain. You’ve got this!

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1] University of Calgary: Why is Pain Important?
[2] Greater Good Magazine: The Importance of Pain

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