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This Is How You Worsen the Relationship Without Noticing

This Is How You Worsen the Relationship Without Noticing

I’ve committed my fair share of relationship faux pas. I wish I could tell you that I get communication right every time, but I am guilty of creating an awkward situation now and then. Studying relationships and cultivating self-awareness has helped me curtail some of my most frustrating subconscious habits. I hope that you can apply these insights to your own life so that you can have healthier and happier relationships.

Whether we’re interacting with friends, coworkers, or a significant other, there are a few pieces of relationship advice that all of us should carry at the forefront of our minds. Here are three things that we do unconsciously to sabotage our relationships.

1. Giving feedback without permission

How many times have you felt driven to give advice even when nobody asked for it?  This communication pitfall usually comes from a place of love and concern. When you love someone, you want them to be good and that’s totally normal. But our compulsion to spew out unsolicited feedback often backfires.

Just like how Ted from the movie “Ted 2” fights with his wife because his wife asked him to get some jobs. The intention is good because they really have bills to kill, but his wife ignored Ted’s stress and whether he needs this advice from her or not. Such comments with good intention ended up turning into a fight.

It happens all the time in relationships when we are so eager to help our partners to improve without thinking whether they need the advice from us. As the saying goes, “Honesty is the best policy,” but sometimes we take it too far. If you hear yourself saying, “I think you should [x]” or “your [x] is not good,” then look out. You’re probably about to give some unwanted advice.

Imagine what happens when you make a comment about a stranger’s outfit. He or she may immediately become defensive because they didn’t ask for your opinion, and you didn’t have permission to give feedback. Most people don’t mind hearing something positive about their clothing choices, but if you are offering a criticism, you are likely to offend the person.

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The Right Approach: If you feel that it is important to give feedback to someone, you have two options for how to approach the subject. You can either ask for their permission to offer feedback, or you can find ways to assure them that they can get constructive feedback from you.

Asking someone for permission to offer feedback doesn’t always work because the person may say that they are not interested in hearing it. If they don’t want to hear what you have to say, would you want to say it? Even if the outcome is not as you would like, asking saves you from offending the person.

Having someone solicit feedback from you can take more time, but it yields better results. I prefer this piece of relationship advice for giving feedback because the recipient is already primed to listen to what you have to say.

For example, imagine that your best friend just purchased new glasses. You might mention that you recently read an article about the best types of glasses for different face shapes. You note that when reading this, you realized that the frames you just pick for yourself didn’t match your face’s shape. Your comments and the knowledge that you have from researching the topic might lead your friend to ask, “How do you feel about these glasses for me?” When they ask you for feedback, they’ve granted you permission to speak your mind.

    Photo credit: Source

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    2. Neglecting their feelings when they need you

    Our emotions fluctuate throughout the day, and unfortunately we can’t be cheerful all the time. We may feel stressed at work, sad about something that happened, or frustrated about not getting what we want. The greatest sadness of all comes from feeling that the person who should know us best of all can’t recognize our feelings of distress.

    Imagine your partner comes home after a stressful day at work. You hear what he or she has to say, and you immediately start giving advice. You think that you are doing your partner a favor by trying to fix the problem. You might say things like, “I don’t think that is the right job for you,” or, “Your boss is mean.”

    You have not only fallen into the first relationship pitfall by giving unauthorized feedback, but you’ve also ignored your partner’s needs in that moment. There may be a time when your partner would like to have a kvetching session or problem-solve, but when he or she first comes home, they may just want someone to listen.[1]

    The Right Approach: Honor your partner’s feelings by listening to them. Use active listening techniques[2] and avoid trying to fix the problem for them right away. Even if the issue seems minor to you, refrain from trivializing their feelings. You can help him or her find perspective later, but at first, just acknowledge their thoughts and emotions.

    Instead of hopping into advice mode or trying to find the silver lining in their tough situation right away, simply ask your partner how they feel. If they’re willing to open up, listen to them. You can affirm them with nonverbal cues or by paraphrasing what they’ve told you. Resist the urge to give feedback! I know it’s hard because you care.

    You will feel emotionally better when someone ask “Are you ok?” when you are sick, than to hear “You should wear enough clothes next time.” Who wants advice when we are sick?

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    We all need time to allow emotions to calm before we are ready to handle feedback. Remember that until they have authorized feedback from you, they will not find it helpful.

    3. Failing to offer feedback at all

    Not giving useful feedback is on the other end of the relationship-pitfall spectrum. The previous problems involved giving too much information, but this piece of relationship advice is borne out of giving too little information.

    Imagine your partner comes to you to take suggestions about where to go on your anniversary. Instead of listing a few options, you respond by saying, “I don’t know,” or “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine with whatever you pick.”

    You think you are conveying how flexible you are, but that isn’t the message you’re sending to your partner. He or she came to you because they wanted your feedback, and you just told them that you don’t care or don’t want to take any responsibility for decision-making.[3] You didn’t have to produce a definite answer, but they wanted to see that you were willing to give some input on the matter.

    You ask for feedback because you genuinely wanted help for your problem. When you want input, you may also be working to take the pressure off yourself. When someone fails to give you feedback, they place the onus of decision-making back on you.[4]

    The Right Approach: When someone asks for your feedback, take a moment to consider their request. You don’t have to fix the problem for them, but you might be able to help them think about the situation in a new way.

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    Instead of telling your partner you don’t care where you go for your anniversary, you might say, “I’m not sure, but we haven’t had Italian food in a while. Maybe we could find an Italian place we haven’t tried yet.” By responding in this way, you show your partner that you are both on the same team, and you are willing to help find a solution.

    Remember, this isn’t even about the answer that you give to the person. It’s about your attitude toward their concerns.

    When You Start To Be Aware Of These Problems, You Will Experience Less Conflicts

    At this point, you may be cringing as you think of times when your best intentions have gone awry, but know that you are not alone. I wish that I could tell you that I’ve never given unsolicited advice, ignored someone’s feelings in an attempt to fix a problem, or failed to give helpful feedback when asked, but I have done them all.

    We can’t change what has already happened, but we can use this relationship advice to ensure that the people in our lives feel empowered by our ability to listen and provide feedback when they ask for it.

    Reference

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    Anna Chui

    Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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    Last Updated on July 18, 2019

    What Makes People Happy? 20 Secrets of “Always Happy” People

    What Makes People Happy? 20 Secrets of “Always Happy” People

    Some people just seem to float through life with a relentless sense of happiness – through the toughest of times, they’re unfazed and aloof, stopping to smell the roses and drinking out of a glass half full.

    They may not have much to be happy about, but the simplicity behind that fact itself may make them happy.

    It’s all a matter of perspective, conscious effort and self-awareness. Listed below are a number of reasons why some people are always happy.

    1. They Manage Their Expectations

    They’re not crushed when they don’t get what they want – or misled into expecting to get the most out of every situation. They approach every situation pragmatically, hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst.

    2. They Don’t Set Unrealistic Standards

    Similar to the last point, they don’t live their lives in a constant pursuit towards impossible visions of perfection, only to always find themselves falling short of what they want.

    3. They Don’t Take Anything for Granted

    Happiness rests with feeling fulfilled – those who fail to stop and appreciate what they have every now and again will never experience true fulfillment.

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    4. They’re Not Materialistic

    There are arguing viewpoints on whether or not money can really buy happiness; if it can, then we know from experience that we can never be satisfied because there will always be something newer or better that we want. Who has ever had enough money?

    5. They Don’t Dwell

    They don’t sweat the small things or waste time worrying about things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. They don’t let negative thoughts latch onto them and drain them or distract them. Life’s too short to worry.

    6. They Care About Themselves First

    They’re independent, care for themselves and understand that they must put their needs first in order to accommodate the needs of others.

    They indulge, aim to get what they want, make time for themselves and are extremely self-reliant.

    7. They Enjoy the Little Things

    They stop to smell the roses. They’re accustomed to find serenity when it’s available, to welcome entertainment or a stimulating discussion with a stranger when it crosses their path. They don’t overlook the small things in life that can be just as important.

    8. They Can Adapt

    They’re not afraid of change and they work to make the most out of new circumstances, good or bad. They thrive under pressure, are not overwhelmed easily and always embrace a change of pace.

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    9. They Experiment

    They try new things, experience new flavors and never shy away from something they have yet to experience. They never order twice from the same menu.

    10. They Take Their Time

    They don’t unnecessarily rush through life. They work on their own schedule to the extent that they can and maneuver through life at their own relaxing pace.

    11. They Employ Different Perspectives

    They’re not stuck in one perspective; a loss can result in a new opportunity, hitting rock bottom can mean that there’s no where to go but up.

    12. They Seek to Learn

    Their constant pursuit of knowledge keeps them inspired and interested in life. They cherish information and are on a life-long quest to learn as much as they can.

    13. They Always Have a Plan

    They don’t find themselves drifting without purpose. When something doesn’t go as planned, they have a plan for every letter in the alphabet to fall back on.

    14. They Give Respect to Get It

    They are respectful and, in turn, are seen as respectable; the respect they exude earns them the respect they deserve.

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    15. They Consider Every Opportunity

    They always have their eyes open for a new road, a new avenue worth exploring. They know how to recognize opportune moments and pounce on them to make the most of every situation. Success is inevitable for them.

    16. They Always Seek to Improve

    Perpetual self-improvement is the key towards their ongoing thirst for success. Whatever it is they do, they take pride in getting better and better, from social interactions to mundane tasks. Their pursuit at being the best eventually materializes.

    17. They Don’t Take Life Too Seriously

    They’re not ones to get offended easily over-analyze or complicate matters. They laugh at their own faults and misfortunes.

    18. They Live in the Moment

    They don’t live for tomorrow or dwell on what may have happened yesterday. Every day is a new opportunity, a new chapter. They live in the now, and in doing so, get the most out of every moment.

    You can learn how to do so too: How to Live in the Moment and Stop Worrying About the Past or Future

    19. They Say Yes

    Much more often than they say no. They don’t have to be badgered to go out, don’t shy away from new opportunities or anything that may seem inconvenient.

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    20. They’re Self-Aware

    Most important, they’re wholly aware of themselves. They self-reflect and are conscious of their states of mind. If somethings bothering them, they fix it.

    We’re all susceptible to feeling down every now and again, but we are all equipped with the necessary solutions that just have to be discovered.

    Lack of confidence, inability to feel fulfilled, and susceptibility to stress are all matters that can be controlled through the way we handle our lives and perceive our circumstances.

    Learn about How Self-Reflection Gives You a Happier and More Successful Life.

    Final Thoughts

    The main philosophy employed by the happiest includes the idea that life’s simply too short: life’s too short to let things get you down, to take things for granted, to pursue absolute and unrealistic perfection.

    For some, employing these characteristics is a second nature – they do it without knowing. For others, a conscious effort must be put forth every now and again. Self-Awareness is key.

    More About Happiness

    Featured photo credit: Charles Postiaux via unsplash.com

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