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What To Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

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What To Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

When you got married, I bet you never – in a million years – would have imagined asking yourself, “What if my husband hates me?”

Of course not.

When people walk down the aisle, they expect that their spouse will love them, treat them well, be their best friend, and live happily ever after. Then, one day (like today), you find yourself looking for a solution to a problem you never imagined could exist.

But how did you get here?

What Leads to Resentment and Hatred in a Marriage?

How did it come to this? While it is different for every couple, there are some things that can lead to a lot of resentment (and even hate) in a marriage[1]. Let’s take a look at a few of them.

Neglect

When someone gets married, a lot of people – especially men – think, “Ahhhh…I’m married! Now I don’t have to do any more work on this relationship!”

In other words, they get lazy.

When you are dating, it’s common for men to do the chasing. For some, it’s just biologically wired into them. However, once they think they “have you,” then all the effort seems to disappear.

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But just because a lot of men get neglectful doesn’t mean you might not have neglected your husband, too. It could be in any area of your relationship – sex, love, attention, friendship…you name it. So, take a look at your actions to see if you have neglected him in any way.

Selfishness

When people get lazy and neglectful in a marriage, it’s frequently based in selfishness. And selfishness in a marriage does not work.

Relationships are a two-way street. One person cannot do all the giving, while the other person does all the taking. If that’s the case, then it creates a very unhealthy imbalance between the two people.

When one person is selfish, resentment grows on the other person’s part. No one likes to be a doormat and taken advantage of.

Cheating

Cheating used to be kind of cut-and-dry. In other words, you were either cheating or you weren’t. However, in this technological age, there is a lot of gray area when it comes to cheating, and it is not just limited to physical cheating.

Sure, sexual cheating is on the top of most people’s lists when it comes to defining it. However, emotional infidelity[2] is just as devastating to a marriage as the physical kind, and sometimes even more so.

Cheating erodes trust, whether it is slowly over time, or if it happens as if a bomb is dropped. Either way, it has the potential to create long-term resentment and even hate.

Abuse

Abuse also comes in many different forms. Yes, if someone hits you, that is definitely abuse. But you don’t need a black eye or a broken bone for something to count as abuse.

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If someone is calling you names, criticizing you, or just telling you negative things about yourself, then that is abuse.

Abuse is something that will almost always lead to resentment and hatred in a marriage.

How to Tell If Your Spouse Hates You

Now that we know some of the factors that could lead to resentment and hate in a marriage, let’s look at some of the signs[3] that might tell you that your spouse could possibly hate you.

1. You Fight All the Time

Conflict and disagreements aren’t always bad in a relationship. It’s not reasonable to expect two people to get along and agree on absolutely everything.

However, what is always bad is if you fight unfairly and frequently. For example, if one or both of you need to fight to win an argument and be “right,” then that is a very unhealthy way to be in a relationship. If fighting is the cornerstone of your marriage, then that is a sign that one (or both) of you might hate the other.

2. He Hardly Puts Any Effort Into the Marriage

This is closely related to neglect. If he’s not putting any effort into the marriage at all, then he’s neglecting you. It may or may not be because he “hates” you, but it could be.

He should be nice to you, maintain a friendship, be romantic, and be a good partner. But if you feel like he is just your roommate (and maybe not even a friendly one), then that is not a good sign. He might feel like giving up – or already has.

3. You Don’t Have Sex Very Often (If at All)

The difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship/marriage is physical intimacy. That might sound obvious, but, unfortunately, many people find themselves in loveless, sexless marriages.

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So, if you can’t remember the last time the two of you touched each other than to hand them something in the kitchen, then the intimacy in your marriage is probably gone. When people are married to someone they don’t like very much anymore, then they will not feel like having sex with them.

4. He Takes You For Granted

In an ideal world, no one should take anyone for granted. However, it seems to happen all the time.

Sometimes, it’s just human nature. We get comfortable with the status quo and expect things to always be the same. However, if you think about it, anything or anyone can be taken away from us at the drop of a hat.

So, if you feel used and unappreciated, it could be a sign that he resents you, or maybe even hates you.

5. You Suspect He’s Cheating on You

When someone is feeling resentful toward their spouse, they are probably going to look elsewhere if they get the chance. Now, don’t get me wrong – I am not saying this is okay. In fact, it’s not. Turning outside the marriage does nothing to improve it and everything to destroy it.

But if your spouse has such resentment toward you, then it will make it easier for them to justify their cheating. If they don’t love you anymore, then they probably won’t feel as guilty as if they did.

6. He Is Mentally, Emotionally, and/or Physically Abusive

Abuse is NEVER okay. And I mean NEVER. I don’t care how horrible you were to someone, no one deserves to be abused.

However, it does happen. Usually, a mentally unbalanced person becomes an abuser. They became like that for a variety of reasons in their past that may or may not have anything to do with you. You could be part of the mix, but if you are getting abused, it could mean that, in addition to other things, he might resent you for something. But that still doesn’t make it alright.

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What to Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

If, after reading all of this, you still think that your spouse hates you, then there are a few things you can do. Keep in mind that coming back from the brink of hatred is not easy. It can be done, but it does require a lot of effort from both parties.

1. Figure out If You Want to Make It Work (or Not)

If you really feel that strongly that your husband hates you, then you need to have a good, long talk with yourself. Do you even want to stay? Why would you want to stay if there is nothing but hatred in the marriage? Get clear on what you want before you make any other decisions.

2. Talk to Him

You might not have had a real, honest, or healthy conversation with him for years. And maybe you have never really talked about the quality of your marriage. But if you have the desire to turn the marriage around, then you need to talk. It won’t be easy if he has so much resentment toward you, but you still need to do it.

3. Make a Plan

Once you have talked to him, then figure out a plan. Depending on how the conversation went, one of two things probably happened. Either he said he wants to try to work it out, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, then the decision is made for you. But if he does, then you need to get help.

4. Seek Counseling

Many people – especially men – think that going to a therapist is a sign of weakness. But it’s actually the opposite. Strong people seek help! So, try to get him to agree to go get professional assistance. It’s probably best for you to get both individual and couples counseling if you can afford to do so.

5. Divorce…If Necessary

Sometimes, a marriage just can’t be saved no matter how hard you try. It’s sad, but sometimes it’s better to just move on with your lives separately than it would be to live in a hatred-filled marriage. That way, you both can start a new life that includes love and happiness.

Final Thoughts

No one wants to be in a marriage full of hate. That’s not what is intended for the institution of marriage. So, I hope you will make the decision to put your happiness first because when you are happy, the rest of your life will be happy as well. It’s not selfish, it’s self-love, and that’s really where happiness and contentment start.

More Tips on Improving a Relationship

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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Reference

More by this author

Carol Morgan

Dr. Carol Morgan is the owner of HerSideHisSide.com, a communication professor, dating & relationship coach, TV personality, speaker, and author.

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Last Updated on January 5, 2022

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

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How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

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That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

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More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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