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Published on June 11, 2020

What To Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

What To Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

When you got married, I bet you never – in a million years – would have imagined asking yourself, “What if my husband hates me?”

Of course not.

When people walk down the aisle, they expect that their spouse will love them, treat them well, be their best friend, and live happily ever after. Then, one day (like today), you find yourself looking for a solution to a problem you never imagined could exist.

But how did you get here?

What Leads to Resentment and Hatred in a Marriage?

How did it come to this? While it is different for every couple, there are some things that can lead to a lot of resentment (and even hate) in a marriage[1]. Let’s take a look at a few of them.

Neglect

When someone gets married, a lot of people – especially men – think, “Ahhhh…I’m married! Now I don’t have to do any more work on this relationship!”

In other words, they get lazy.

When you are dating, it’s common for men to do the chasing. For some, it’s just biologically wired into them. However, once they think they “have you,” then all the effort seems to disappear.

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But just because a lot of men get neglectful doesn’t mean you might not have neglected your husband, too. It could be in any area of your relationship – sex, love, attention, friendship…you name it. So, take a look at your actions to see if you have neglected him in any way.

Selfishness

When people get lazy and neglectful in a marriage, it’s frequently based in selfishness. And selfishness in a marriage does not work.

Relationships are a two-way street. One person cannot do all the giving, while the other person does all the taking. If that’s the case, then it creates a very unhealthy imbalance between the two people.

When one person is selfish, resentment grows on the other person’s part. No one likes to be a doormat and taken advantage of.

Cheating

Cheating used to be kind of cut-and-dry. In other words, you were either cheating or you weren’t. However, in this technological age, there is a lot of gray area when it comes to cheating, and it is not just limited to physical cheating.

Sure, sexual cheating is on the top of most people’s lists when it comes to defining it. However, emotional infidelity[2] is just as devastating to a marriage as the physical kind, and sometimes even more so.

Cheating erodes trust, whether it is slowly over time, or if it happens as if a bomb is dropped. Either way, it has the potential to create long-term resentment and even hate.

Abuse

Abuse also comes in many different forms. Yes, if someone hits you, that is definitely abuse. But you don’t need a black eye or a broken bone for something to count as abuse.

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If someone is calling you names, criticizing you, or just telling you negative things about yourself, then that is abuse.

Abuse is something that will almost always lead to resentment and hatred in a marriage.

How to Tell If Your Spouse Hates You

Now that we know some of the factors that could lead to resentment and hate in a marriage, let’s look at some of the signs[3] that might tell you that your spouse could possibly hate you.

1. You Fight All the Time

Conflict and disagreements aren’t always bad in a relationship. It’s not reasonable to expect two people to get along and agree on absolutely everything.

However, what is always bad is if you fight unfairly and frequently. For example, if one or both of you need to fight to win an argument and be “right,” then that is a very unhealthy way to be in a relationship. If fighting is the cornerstone of your marriage, then that is a sign that one (or both) of you might hate the other.

2. He Hardly Puts Any Effort Into the Marriage

This is closely related to neglect. If he’s not putting any effort into the marriage at all, then he’s neglecting you. It may or may not be because he “hates” you, but it could be.

He should be nice to you, maintain a friendship, be romantic, and be a good partner. But if you feel like he is just your roommate (and maybe not even a friendly one), then that is not a good sign. He might feel like giving up – or already has.

3. You Don’t Have Sex Very Often (If at All)

The difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship/marriage is physical intimacy. That might sound obvious, but, unfortunately, many people find themselves in loveless, sexless marriages.

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So, if you can’t remember the last time the two of you touched each other than to hand them something in the kitchen, then the intimacy in your marriage is probably gone. When people are married to someone they don’t like very much anymore, then they will not feel like having sex with them.

4. He Takes You For Granted

In an ideal world, no one should take anyone for granted. However, it seems to happen all the time.

Sometimes, it’s just human nature. We get comfortable with the status quo and expect things to always be the same. However, if you think about it, anything or anyone can be taken away from us at the drop of a hat.

So, if you feel used and unappreciated, it could be a sign that he resents you, or maybe even hates you.

5. You Suspect He’s Cheating on You

When someone is feeling resentful toward their spouse, they are probably going to look elsewhere if they get the chance. Now, don’t get me wrong – I am not saying this is okay. In fact, it’s not. Turning outside the marriage does nothing to improve it and everything to destroy it.

But if your spouse has such resentment toward you, then it will make it easier for them to justify their cheating. If they don’t love you anymore, then they probably won’t feel as guilty as if they did.

6. He Is Mentally, Emotionally, and/or Physically Abusive

Abuse is NEVER okay. And I mean NEVER. I don’t care how horrible you were to someone, no one deserves to be abused.

However, it does happen. Usually, a mentally unbalanced person becomes an abuser. They became like that for a variety of reasons in their past that may or may not have anything to do with you. You could be part of the mix, but if you are getting abused, it could mean that, in addition to other things, he might resent you for something. But that still doesn’t make it alright.

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What to Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You

If, after reading all of this, you still think that your spouse hates you, then there are a few things you can do. Keep in mind that coming back from the brink of hatred is not easy. It can be done, but it does require a lot of effort from both parties.

1. Figure out If You Want to Make It Work (or Not)

If you really feel that strongly that your husband hates you, then you need to have a good, long talk with yourself. Do you even want to stay? Why would you want to stay if there is nothing but hatred in the marriage? Get clear on what you want before you make any other decisions.

2. Talk to Him

You might not have had a real, honest, or healthy conversation with him for years. And maybe you have never really talked about the quality of your marriage. But if you have the desire to turn the marriage around, then you need to talk. It won’t be easy if he has so much resentment toward you, but you still need to do it.

3. Make a Plan

Once you have talked to him, then figure out a plan. Depending on how the conversation went, one of two things probably happened. Either he said he wants to try to work it out, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, then the decision is made for you. But if he does, then you need to get help.

4. Seek Counseling

Many people – especially men – think that going to a therapist is a sign of weakness. But it’s actually the opposite. Strong people seek help! So, try to get him to agree to go get professional assistance. It’s probably best for you to get both individual and couples counseling if you can afford to do so.

5. Divorce…If Necessary

Sometimes, a marriage just can’t be saved no matter how hard you try. It’s sad, but sometimes it’s better to just move on with your lives separately than it would be to live in a hatred-filled marriage. That way, you both can start a new life that includes love and happiness.

Final Thoughts

No one wants to be in a marriage full of hate. That’s not what is intended for the institution of marriage. So, I hope you will make the decision to put your happiness first because when you are happy, the rest of your life will be happy as well. It’s not selfish, it’s self-love, and that’s really where happiness and contentment start.

More Tips on Improving a Relationship

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

Reference

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Carol Morgan

Dr. Carol Morgan is the owner of HerSideHisSide.com, a communication professor, dating & relationship coach, TV personality, speaker, and author.

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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