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Published on October 31, 2018

Is Relationship Counselling for You? Find Your Answer Here

Is Relationship Counselling for You? Find Your Answer Here

Most people have heard of relationship counseling, but very few believe it is for them.

We all want to believe our relationship is perfect, unique, and meant to last. Even if we acknowledge there is room for improvement, we often want to be able to resolve it ourselves. And it doesn’t help, either, that relationship counseling suffers from the same stigma as every form of counseling: that if you go, there must be something wrong.

For these reasons and others, Brian Doss, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Miami, says the average couple endures six years of unhappiness before seeking couples counseling.

But in my opinion, you don’t need to wait that long. You don’t even need to be unhappy. You just have to know what relationship counseling is, how it can help, and whether it’s for you.

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When you should consider couples counseling

“Same issues, different tactics, same results”

— that’s what I tell anyone who asks me whether they should seek couples counseling. Here is the three-step consideration:

  1. Same issues. Fighting is only natural. Along with strong positive feelings toward a person naturally come negative ones. But the first consideration is whether these fights are over the same issues. If so, it demonstrates that you and your partner are not communicating past them. Some type of blockage is taking place.
  2. Different tactics. If the above is true, I recommend trying a different tactic. Example: every time you and your partner get in a fight, you end up talking over one another. Next time, try remaining silent while your partner speaks. See if this makes any difference.
  3. Same results. Have you tried a few different things and ended up with the same result? If so, couples counseling can help.

Couples who fight about the same issues, try different tactics, and end up with the same results, are having a difficult time communicating past their issues.

What does communicating past an issue mean? It means working through it within the relationship. It means reaching a point where it no longer remains such a trigger.

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Since couples will inevitably experience hardship together, it’s essential that they have this ability to eventually move beyond issues; otherwise they will continue to pile up.

What exactly is relationship counseling (and how does it work)?

Relationship counseling is an opportunity for a couple to examine why their communication is blocked. Now, sometimes the content, or what the couple is fighting about, is the problem.

For example, a couple might disagree about whether to have a child. In this case, couples therapy can be helpful for the basic reason that it represents a space where the conversation can take place.

More often than not, however, the process — or how the couple is fighting — is the important consideration. It does not matter what the issue is if the pattern of discussing it is one person yelling and the other person crying.

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Couples therapy, then, is where these patterns can be noticed by the therapist and presented to the couple as something that needs changing. Of course, this is hopefully done in a space that is comfortable, safe, and neutral.

Here’s a basic four-step process:

  1. Couple is introduced to the therapist. Each person is given an opportunity to tell their story. Therapist explains the rules of the therapy, emphasizing that this is a safe place for exploration and healing.
  2. As couple begins to discuss some of the issues they have been experiencing, therapist takes note of how they communicate. He/she eventually brings their communication patterns into the work, asking whether these patterns are bringing about the results the couple wants.
  3. Assuming the patterns are not ideal, therapist begins to explore each person’s motivation or willingness, to change their pattern. Any resistances to changing are explored.
  4. The therapist helps the couple brainstorm new ways of communicating with each other. It is important that the couple have an active hand in this, otherwise it will seem forced from the outside. Therapy now becomes a place where this new style of communicating can be practiced.

Benefits to you and your partner

On a relationship level, couples counseling provides, in many cases, the best chance you and your partner have for reversing destructive communication patterns or making big, life-altering decisions.

On an individual level, couples counseling can help each of you become a better communicator. What does this mean, exactly? In session, you will learn that healthy communication takes practice. It is not easy to place ourselves in the shoes of another person and feel what they are feeling.

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Good communication also takes awareness. Your therapist will work with each of you to uncover your attachment modes — in other words, the way you communicate based on early life experiences.

How to make relationship counselling work for you (step-by-step)

Now that you understand the benefits of relationship counselling, what should you do to make it work for you and your partner? Here’re the steps:

  1. Be honest about your motivation. You may be going to find a way to break up. You might be going to receive confirmation that you are right and your partner is wrong.
  2. Discuss what you want to accomplish beforehand.
  3. Try to procure a referral; otherwise, choose a profile together. I have seen too many couples choose separately and then fight. If you cannot come to a decision together, that is a data point. It may be worthwhile to try individual therapy first, in that case.
  4. Be honest. There’s no point in going to couples counselling and not being honest. This does not mean you spill everything all at once. But it does mean that being untruthful is not going to help your therapist help you. If there are certain things that are important, but you are not sure if you are comfortable sharing with your partner, most couples therapists will have individual sessions within the first five sessions: try bringing it up then.
  5. Discuss what is said in your sessions outside of your sessions. Not at first, necessarily, and not always, but if things get better, recognize that couples counselling (unlike individual therapy) is supposed to be temporary: you want to move it outside the room.

Final thoughts

Though many people have heard about relationship counselling, not so many couples are willing to try it even if they have relationship problems.

Many couples have the question “Is relationship counselling for me/us?” Hopefully, this article has answered all the common questions people have about relationship counselling – When should they consider it? How does it work? Does it really work? How to utilize it for their best benefits?

You don’t need to reach the saddest point in your relationship to reach out for relationship counselling. Just take relationship counselling as an opportunity to help your relationship grow and better you and your partner’s communication patterns!

Featured photo credit: Rainier Ridao via unsplash.com

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Josh Zlatkus

Mental Health Therapist in Private Practice

Is Relationship Counselling for You? Find Your Answer Here 11 Characteristics of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

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Last Updated on July 16, 2019

7 Ways to Get Rid of Negative Energy and Become Positive

7 Ways to Get Rid of Negative Energy and Become Positive

Negativity affects ourselves and everyone around us. It limits our potential to become something great and live a fulfilling, purposeful life. Negativity has a tangible effect on our health, too. Research has shown that people who cultivate negative energy experience more stress, more sickness, and less opportunity over the course of their lives than those who choose to live positively.

When we make a decision to become positive, and follow that decision up with action, we will begin to encounter situations and people that are also positive. The negative energy gets edged out by all positive experiences. It’s a snowball effect.

Although negative and positive thoughts will always exist, the key to becoming positive is to limit the amount of negativity that we experience by filling ourselves up with more positivity.

Here are some ways to get rid of negativity and become more positive.

1. Become Grateful for Everything

When life is all about us, it’s easy to believe that we deserve what we have. An attitude of entitlement puts us at the center of the universe and sets up the unrealistic expectation that others should cater to us, our needs, and our wants. This vain state of existence is a surefire way to set yourself up for an unfulfilled life of negativity.

People living in this sort of entitlement are “energy suckers”–they are always searching for what they can get out of a situation. People that don’t appreciate the nuances of their lives live in a constant state of lacking. And it’s really difficult to live a positive life this way.

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When we begin to be grateful and appreciate everything in our lives–from the small struggles that make us better, to the car that gets us from A to B every day–we shift our attitude from one of selfishness, to one of appreciation. This appreciation gets noticed by others, and a positive harmony begins to form in our relationships.

We begin to receive more of that which we are grateful for, because we’ve opened ourselves up to the idea of receiving, instead of taking. This will make your life more fulfilling, and more positive.

2. Laugh More, Especially at Yourself

Life gets busy, our schedules fill up, we get into relationships, and work can feel task oriented and routine-driven at times. Being human can feel more like being a robot. But having this work-driven, serious attitude often results in negative and performance oriented thinking.

Becoming positive means taking life less seriously and letting yourself off the hook. This is the only life that you get to live, why not lighten up your mood?

Laughter helps us become positive by lightening our mood and reminding us not to take life so seriously. Are you sensitive to light sarcasm? Do you have trouble laughing at jokes? Usually, people who are stressed out and overly serious get most offended by sarcasm because their life is all work and no play.

If we can learn to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes, life will become more of an experiment in finding out what makes us happy. And finding happiness means finding positivity.

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3. Help Others

Negativity goes hand in hand with selfishness. People that live only for themselves have no higher purpose in their lives. If the whole point of this world is only to take care of yourself and no one else, the road to a long-term fulfillment and purpose is going to be a long one.

Positivity accompanies purpose. The most basic way to create purpose and positivity in your life is to begin doing things for others. Start small; open the door for the person in front of you at Starbucks or ask someone how their day was before telling them about yours.

Helping others will give you an intangible sense of value that will translate into positivity. And people might just appreciate you in the process.

4. Change Your Thinking

We can either be our best coach or our best enemy. Change starts from within. If you want to become more positive, change the wording of your thoughts. We are the hardest on ourselves, and a stream of negative self talk is corrosive to a positive life.

The next time you have a negative thought, write it down and rephrase it with a positive spin. For example, change a thought like, “I can’t believe I did so horribly on the test–I suck.” to “I didn’t do as well as I hoped to on this test. But I know I’m capable and I’ll do better next time.”

Changing our self-talk is powerful.

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5. Surround Yourself with Positive People

We become most like the people that we surround ourselves with. If our friend group is full of negative energy-suckers and drama queens, we will emulate that behavior and become like them. It is very difficult to become more positive when the people around us don’t support or demonstrate positive behavior.

As you become more positive, you’ll find that your existing friends will either appreciate the new you or they will become resistant to your positive changes. This is a natural response.

Change is scary; but cutting out the negative people in your life is a huge step to becoming more positive. Positive people reflect and bounce their perspectives onto one another. Positivity is a step-by-step process when you do it solo, but a positive group of friends can be an escalator.

6. Get into Action

Negative thoughts can be overwhelming and challenging to navigate. Negativity is usually accompanied by a “freak-out” response, especially when tied to relationships, people and to worrying about the future. This is debilitating to becoming positive and usually snowballs into more worry, more stress and more freak-outs.

Turn the negative stress into positive action. The next time you’re in one of these situations, walk away and take a break. With your eyes closed, take a few deep breaths. Once you’re calm, approach the situation or problem with a pen and pad of paper. Write out four or five actions or solutions to begin solving the problem.

Taking yourself out of the emotionally charged negative by moving into the action-oriented positive will help you solve more problems rationally and live in positivity

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7. Take Full Responsibility, Stop Being the Victim

You are responsible for your thoughts.

People that consistently believe that things happen to them handicap themselves to a victim mentality. This is a subtle and deceptive negative thought pattern. Phrases like “I have to work” or “I can’t believe he did that to me” are indicators of a victim mentality. Blaming circumstances and blaming others only handicaps our decision to change something negative into something positive.

Taking full responsibility for your life, your thoughts and your actions is one of the biggest steps in creating a more positive life. We have unlimited potential within to create our own reality, change our life, and change our thoughts. When we begin to really internalize this, we discover that no one can make us feel or do anything. We choose our emotional and behavioral response to people and circumstances.

Make positive choices in favor of yourself.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny” ― Lao Tzu

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Featured photo credit: Brooke Cagle via unsplash.com

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