Advertising
Advertising

How I Keep the Spark Alive in My 10 Years of Marriage

How I Keep the Spark Alive in My 10 Years of Marriage

Have you been having a difficult time connecting with your partner? Whether you’ve been together for decades or just a few months, it’s important to always take steps to keep the spark alive.

We’ve all heard of the seven-year itch, but getting past this point doesn’t make a long-term relationship any easier. The truth is that marriage is something you have to work on daily. Without a conscious effort on your part, it will be much easier than you might expect for your relationship to go from hot and heavy to complacent and even resentful.

In more than 10 years of marriage, I’ve discovered that nothing kills the romance faster than falling into a boring routine, especially if this doesn’t include prioritizing each other. If you take only one thing out of this article, let it be this:

We prioritize each other.

This is the secret to my marriage’s longevity, and it’s something that everyone can do. In fact, placing a greater emphasis on making my husband a priority by giving him my undivided attention is one of the quickest ways to stop us from bickering or beginning to drift apart. The best part is that when I prioritize him, he prioritizes me in return.

Of course, there’s a lot more that I do to help keep the spark alive. Prioritizing my spouse also means looking for opportunities to connect with each other mentally, emotionally and physically.

Advertising

Fortunately, there are many easy ways to turn a boring day into an exciting evening. If you and your partner haven’t been connecting properly and have started talking about going to couples counseling, consider trying the following tips first.

We always explore somewhere new together to explore the way to spark.

Whether you head off on a long vacation or simply take a day to explore a new park together, there is extensive evidence that visiting new places will be good for your relationship. In fact, studies have found that couples that make an effort to go somewhere new experience many positive benefits, [1] including:

  • Increased playfulness
  • Less stress
  • Improved sense of connection
  • Emotional nurturing
  • Personal and relationship growth

We make a romantic meal at home to save our marriage (and money!)

Couples tend to romanticize going out to eat together, but this can be noisy and expensive. Instead, start the spark in your own kitchen by cooking a romantic meal. It’s nice if one of you cooks for the other, but in my experience, it’s even better if you share the cooking duties. This puts the two of you together in a creative space, which can easily lead to touching and kissing.

If you’re concerned that cooking takes too much time, don’t worry: most people spend 34 minutes or less per day on food prep. [2] Consider this time to be like the foreplay of your mealtime, and the evening is virtually certain to go in a fun direction.

We express gratitude daily to wipe off negativity.

If you’re anything like me, you dated quite a few frogs before you found your Prince (or Princess) Charming. One of the biggest issues that leads to couples counseling and ultimately tears relationships apart is being negative with each other instead of focusing on the positive.

Advertising

Take time at least once a day to tell your spouse something you’re grateful for about them. It doesn’t have to be something huge; it can be as simple as saying, “I’m grateful that you are kind to strangers.” This will have big mental health benefits for both of you:

  • Reduced depression
  • More positive thought patterns
  • Overall better well-being

In turn, this will make your relationship happier, less stressed and more conducive to romance.

We just say that we find each other attractive.

Do you still tell your spouse that you find them to be attractive? This is something that many couples stop doing over time, even if they still feel the same level of attraction.

The problem is that people need to hear positive feedback on a regular basis. Therefore, if my husband were to go an extended period of time without indicating that he’s attracted to me, I could naturally start to feel unattractive.

Help your spouse’s self-esteem and rekindle the romance by doing things such as giving them a genuine compliment daily and letting them know when they look nice in a new outfit. Another great spark starter is hitting on them with the looks and words you used to express interest when the relationship was new.

Advertising

We schedule a weekly date to spend quality time together.

Do you carve out at least a few hours weekly to be alone together? Kids, work and other obligations may seem more important at times, but they’re not. This is because numerous studies have found that couples that don’t make alone time a priority are much more likely to end in divorce. [3]

A date doesn’t have to be a big, expensive night out. What it should do is get the two of you outside of your home and away from kids, jobs and any other responsibilities. You could go for a walk in the woods, dine at your favorite restaurant or attend a concert together. Just be sure to make some time to talk during the date. Making this a priority will help the two of you in several ways:

  • Improved sense of commitment
  • Rekindled passion
  • Romance booster
  • Better communication

We hug every day and are physically affectionate.

I’m not a big fan of public displays of affection, so I can understand if you don’t spend your date night constantly touching each other and making out. However, it’s very important for casual physical affection to be one of the cornerstones of your daily life. This helps keep intimacy alive, and allows the two of you to check in on each other non-verbally.

Hugs are especially powerful, and researchers say sharing a 20-second hug at least once a day will greatly help both of you. In fact, hugs may even be the key to improving cardiovascular health! [4] Aside from reducing your blood pressure, a 20-second hug will help the two of you bond and strengthen your relationship: [5]

  • Hugging relieves stress and anxiety
  • Improves feelings of trust
  • Generates more compassion

It’s definitely easier to be romantic when you’re not stressed out and are with a partner you trust. Try giving your spouse a 20-second hug before and after work each day to see how it keeps the spark alive!

Advertising

We schedule intimate time and get closer.

It may feel odd at first to consider scheduling time to be intimate. Many experts have indicated, though, that it can actually not only spice things up but also save your marriage. [6] After all, most of us live hectic lives. I certainly do, and it’s common for me to work seven days in a row. This makes it hard to wait for sex to just spontaneously happen.

Scheduling intimate time instead allows you to prioritize being together physically. This is just as important as going on a weekly date. As an added bonus, the two of you will have something to look forward to. This anticipation can make everything much better, and it will encourage flirtatious behavior between encounters.

We do these simple things all the times and our marriage is drastically improved.

As you can see, all of the things on this list require you to prioritize each other. Without developing this one simple habit, it will be very difficult for any relationship to thrive and couples counseling may quickly become a necessity.

Fortunately, I’m living proof that making my spouse a priority by doing things such as having a weekly date night and expressing gratitude can keep the spark alive for more than 10 years. It’s never too late to make a change; spice up your relationship today!

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

More by this author

Holly Chavez

Writer, Entrepreneur, Small Business Owner

How I Keep the Spark Alive in My 10 Years of Marriage 8 Psychological Tricks To Help You Nail the Interview of Your Dream Job The Ultimate Solution To Your Super Long Stay At Bathroom: Constipation Remedy. Low glycemic index foods I Promise These 10 Low GI foods can Keep You Fuller For Longer! Emotional Quotient Isn’t Just About Emotions. It Involves Numerous Skills

Trending in Psychology

1 How to Detect a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing 2 How to Be Happy: Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You Unhappy 3 The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected 4 Why a Life Without Pain Is the Guarantee to True Suffering 5 How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on May 7, 2019

How to Detect a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

How to Detect a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Work in any competitive field long enough, and you’re bound to run into a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It’s a powerful image. A shepherd watches over his flock to protect them from harm. He’d chase away any predator that tried to make its way into the flock. A clever wolf wearing the skin of a sheep as a disguise can sneak by the vigilant shepherd and get into the herd undetected.

The story isn’t just a colorful description–it’s a warning to all of us to beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing. They may seem innocent, but they have ulterior motives. They’ll use different tactics to camouflage their intentions.

The person who is kind to you, but undercuts you when you aren’t around is a wolf in disguise. A wolf in sheep’s clothing might pick your brain for ideas and then pass them off as their own to get a promotion. They’re always looking out for themselves at the expense of everyone around them.

Wearing a Disguise Has Its Advantages

People don’t go out of their way to manipulate others unless they’re getting something out of it. Hiding their intentions gives wolves the chance to manipulate other people to advance their own agenda. They know that what they’re trying to do wouldn’t be popular, or it might cause struggle if they presented themselves honestly.

Advertising

    They’ll be able to do what they want with less interference if they put on an act. By the time people figure out their true motives, the wolf has what it wants.

    Signs That Someone Is a Wolf in Disguise

      Advertising

        1. They live to take power instead of empowering others. A wolf uses people as stepping stones to get the things that they want. They don’t care what happens to anyone else.[1] A wolf at work might make you look bad during a presentation to make themselves look amazing in front of the boss.
        2. Wolves seem sweet on the outside, but they’ll show you their teeth. If wolves revealed their true identity, people wouldn’t associate with them. They develop a friendly or kind persona, but they can’t keep up the act 24/7. Eventually, they’ll reveal their aggressive tendencies. A wealthy person who likes to break the law may make sizable charitable donations to convince people that they are kind and thoughtful. These donations largely keep them out of trouble, but if someone calls them out, they destroy that person’s reputation to stifle the criticism.
        3. They manipulate through emotions to get what they want. Wolves know that they can get ahead by appealing to your emotions. They find out what you want and need, and they give you just enough to keep you quiet and compliant. Imagine that your boss is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and you want to ask for a vacation. She might try to play on your guilt and feelings of insecurity to get you to skip vacation or take fewer days off.
        4. A wolf will charm you first. Wolves are experts at manipulating the people around them. They appear interested in whatever you’re doing, and you’ll get the impression that they care. After they get you where they want you, they do just enough to keep you on the hook. This is the coworker who may start out being your friend, but they end up dumping responsibility onto you. When they see that you are growing frustrated, they’ll surprise you with something to charm you some more. Then, they’ll continue to do whatever they want.
        5. Their stories are full of holes.  Calling a wolf out is the surest way to make them squirm. When this person tries to come up with a story, it won’t make much sense because they are improvising.[2] The classic example of this is the significant other that you suspect has cheated on you. When you ask them why they came home so late, they’ll either become upset with you, or they’ll make up a weak explanation.

        How to Spot a Wolf

          Know What’s Real So You Can Spot the Phony

          Do some homework so that you have as much of the story as possible before you work with them. Research how they respond in certain situations, or give them hypothetical problems to see how they respond.

          A job applicant might tell you that she’s always positive and thinks of herself as a team-player. That’s what every employer wants to hear. During the interview you ask applicants to work in groups to solve a problem to see how they handle the situation. The applicant “positive team-player” is bossy and negative. You’ve spotted the wolf.

          A wolf will tell you something that ultimately benefits them. Gather evidence that proves or disproves their position, and see what happens. Chances are, when you choose the side that supports their agenda, they’ll act like your best friend. If you disagree, they’ll become aggressive.

          Spotting a potential wolf–especially if you are one of the sheep–can present you with some challenges. If your gut tells you that a wolf is lurking among all the other sheep, pay attention, and make sure you take the next step.

          Advertising

          Ask Questions, the More the Better

          There’s nothing wrong with asking questions to uncover the truth. The safety of everyone in your group is at risk. Since wolves often make up stories, you may be able to call them out when their tales lack details.

          When they state an opinion, ask “Why do you think that?” or “How do you know it’s like that?” They’ll have trouble coming up with enough information to pull off the lie.

          Since wolves are always pretending to be something they aren’t, they don’t usually have a clearly thought-out reason for what they say. In a debate, they won’t understand the root of an issue.

          They may also tell you what they think you want to hear, but when pressed for more information, they won’t have anything to add. Their knowledge is superficial. No matter how much you try to encourage discussion, they will not be able to carry on a conversation about the subject.

          Advertising

          Wolves Are Everywhere

          As much as we want to believe that everyone has the best intentions, it isn’t always the case. Some people only do things to benefit themselves, and they don’t care who they hurt in the process.

          Wolves in sheep’s clothing can be found in almost every setting. You can’t get rid of them, but if you can spot them, you can avoid falling into their traps.

          Reference

          [1] Association of Biblical Counselors: Three Ways to Spot a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
          [2] Power of Positivity: Beware of a wolf in sheep’s clothing

          Read Next