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Last Updated on June 11, 2020

13 Things You Can Do to Build Emotional Resilience

13 Things You Can Do to Build Emotional Resilience

When you are faced with challenges that shake you to your core, how do you respond? How you deal with your emotions shapes every aspect of your life.

If you don’t own your emotions, they end up owning you. I think we can both agree that this is a recipe for disaster.

If you cannot effectively cope with life’s challenges, you won’t get far in life.

Emotional resilience helps you develop healthy coping mechanisms and maintain balance during stressful times so that you become a master of your emotions.[1]

Resilient people are always thinking about how they can bounce forward when life knocks them down. Bouncing forward is all about being able to find a positive meaning from a seemingly negative event.

When you operate from this state of being, you are no longer living from a place of survival. Instead, you are thriving.

This idea is supported by the ground-breaking post-traumatic growth research of Michaela Haas. In her book Bouncing Forward: Transforming Bad Breaks Into Breakthroughs, she suggests that it is possible to find meaning in the mess. Struggle and trauma can lead to wisdom, growth, and happiness. It’s all a matter of perspective.

We’ve all had our emotions tested at some point in our lives. However, if you find that challenges tend to unravel you, this article will help you build emotional resilience strategies so that you don’t crumble under pressure.

What Is Emotional Resilience?

Emotional resilience is an art of living through which we empower ourselves to perceive adversities as temporary and keep evolving through the pain.[2]

In today’s rapidly shifting world, emotional resilience is the fuel that allows you to bounce back from life’s blows.

In case you haven’t noticed yet, life can be extremely unpredictable. One moment everything is going right, and the next moment your world is turned upside down.

You’ve got two options: You can either accept defeat or rise above it and transform your pain into possibility.

The Characteristics of Resilience

Everyone handles challenges differently. However, there are specific characteristics that emotionally resilient people share in common with one another.

Internal Locus of Control

Emotionally resilient people believe that life happens for them, not to them. Victimhood is not a part of their vocabulary. They take responsibility for everything that happens in their lives, both the good and the bad.

The foundation of having an internal locus of control begins and ends with the realization that you always have a choice of how you respond to life’s challenges. While you may not have control over external circumstances, you can always control your inner world.

Self-Awareness

Emotionally resilient individuals have high levels of self-awareness; they know who they are, what they need, and what they don’t need. As such, they are skilled at tuning into the messages that their body is giving them.

If something doesn’t feel good, they shift their state so that they are able to find their center again.

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According to Susan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist who wrote in her book Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life:

“When we are open to difficult emotions, we are able to generate responses that our values align with”

Resilient people use self-awareness as a tool to better understand their thoughts and behaviors, so that they can rewrite old stories that no longer serve them.

Perseverance

Lastly, emotionally resilient people have an insatiable desire to succeed. If they can’t find a way, they make a way. They know that anything of value doesn’t come easy. Giving up is not an option. They know how to persevere.

As Newt Gingrich once said,

“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.”

Every setback is viewed as an opportunity to grow and become more. Emotionally resilient people know that, in order to reach their desired destination, they need to surrender to the process and trust themselves.

Optimism

In times of struggle, it can sometimes be difficult to find a silver lining. However, emotionally resilient people are able to find the positives buried amongst difficult situations.

They have an unwavering belief in their strength to get through anything and everything. Research demonstrates that naturally resilient people have an optimistic explanatory style. That is, they explain adversity in optimistic terms, in order to avoid falling into helplessness.[3] Because they possess this mindset when challenges occur, they can shift out of fear fast and make empowered decisions.

13 Things You Can Do To Build Emotional Resilience

Emotional resilience isn’t something that you have or don’t have. It’s a skill that can be developed with practice. If you tend to fall into the trap of being emotionally reactive, the good news is that you have the power to change how you respond to challenges in your life.

1. Quiet Your Mind

If you are someone who likes to move at the speed of light, you risk letting your emotions getting the best of you. Mindfulness is a great way to calm your mind and be more present with your thoughts.

If you make this ritual a daily practice, over time, you will be less likely to get carried away by fear or worry.

It’s important to realize that the goal of meditation isn’t to control your thoughts. Rather, it’s to start observing them and noticing that they are just thoughts that come and go.

When you can find stillness amidst the chaos of life, you will be better able to manage difficult emotions when they arise.

Learn to practice mindfulness here: How to Practice Mindful Meditation to Calm Your Thoughts

2. Accept What Is

Acceptance is the first step to overcoming anything. Oftentimes, this is one of the hardest things for people to do. It takes resilience to look at our reality and admit that things aren’t okay.

When bad things happen, your response may be to go into fix mode. However, that option isn’t always going to be available to you right away. Sometimes, you’ve got to sit with your feelings and be willing to receive whatever comes up.

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Acceptance doesn’t mean that you’re giving up. It just means that you are surrendering to what is, so that you can make room for what will be. This is what will allow you to feel a greater sense of control over your emotions and your life.

When you start to accept things you can’t control in life, these 10 amazing things will happen.

3. Be Willing to Look at Your Mess

Let’s face it… looking at your mess doesn’t feel good. It’s way easier to find ways to suppress or ignore uncomfortable feelings. However, if you don’t give yourself the time and space to process difficult emotions, they only stay stuck in your body and become toxic.

The next time you find yourself struggling, resist the urge to run away from discomfort. Rather, acknowledge the mess and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Do an internal check and ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way and what can I do to take back control of my life?”

4. Make Self-Care a Priority

It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day responsibilities of life and forget about yourself. When it comes to building resilience, self-care is essential.

Self-care isn’t just about taking a bubble bath or treating yourself to a new outfit. Rather, it’s a lifestyle that is comprised of daily self-love habits. Over time, these habits become non-negotiable.

Your emotional and physical health are connected to one another. Did you know that your body responds physically to the way you think, feel and act? This is why it’s so important that you take care of your mind and body.

When you commit to taking care of yourself, you are better able to cope with life’s challenges from a proactive and healthy position.

Start taking up some of these 30 Self-Care Habits for a Strong and Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit.

5. Surround Yourself with Positivity

Do you surround yourself with positive people? If you are lacking ambition and feel stuck, it is highly likely that you are spending time with people who are bringing your energy down.

Negative energy is exhausting. If you want to be successful in life, you’ve got to be wise about who you choose to be friends with.

Make it a priority to surround yourself with people who inspire and challenge you to be a better person. If you do, you will be reminded of how much good there is in the world.

Plus, when life throws you a curveball, you will have a strong support system to fall back on.

Not sure who maybe bringing your energy down? There are 10 Toxic Persons You Should Just Get Rid Of.

6. Ask for Help

When it comes to navigating your way through difficult times, support means everything. As resiliency researcher Elliot Friedman says,

“The availability of social support in all its forms helps us in facing a challenge.”

Sometimes, it can be hard to reach out for help, especially if you are someone who likes to brave battles on your own. However, in some situations, you will need someone to lean on or get feedback from. This is supported by research that suggests that supportive environments have an important role to play in our ability to pick ourselves up when we fall.[4]

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Take a look at this guide if you’re not sure how to ask for help: How to Ask for Help When You Feel Silly to Do So

7. Embrace Fear

Fear can feel like an ugly monster that holds us back from stepping into our power and living lives that we are proud of. When you experience fear, do you embrace it or run away from it?

For a lot of people, it’s the latter. This may seem like the smartest option given that fear doesn’t feel good. However, what if you could use your fear to catapult yourself forward in life? It is possible to do this, but only if you are willing to face your fear, head-on.

The best way to embrace your fear is to lean into it each and every day. Action is the only thing that builds resilience over time. When you do something that scares you, say to yourself out loud, ‘This too shall pass. I’ve got this.’

I wrote an article about overcoming fear that can help you: How to Overcome Fear and Realize Your Potential (The Ultimate Guide)

8. Learn from Failure

I believe that failure should be celebrated more often. Failing is a normal part of life. We all do it but we have been conditioned to feel shame around it. If you fail, it must mean that you’re a failure, right? Wrong.

In my opinion, mistakes are proof that you care and that you are willing to take calculated risks. If you’re not failing, you’re not trying. The trick is learning from failure so that you don’t make the same mistakes again. Not convinced yet? Here’re 6 Reasons It’s Okay To Fail.

The next time that you fail (which you will), ask yourself, “What is this experience trying to teach me and how can I learn from it so that I become a stronger person?”

9. Live with Purpose

What is your reason for getting out of bed every day? If you don’t know the answer to this question is, it’s time to rethink what your purpose is.

A lack of purpose will voice itself most when you are struggling. In these moments, it may be difficult to connect to something bigger than yourself.

However, if you have a strong purpose, it will help you make sense of adversity. More importantly, it will motivate you to pick yourself up and move forward. People who live with purpose are better able to find meaning in all of life’s experiences, making them emotionally resilient.[5]

On the same note, finding purpose by contributing to the lives of others is a great way to transform the pain that you feel and channel that energy into something good.

If you’re trying to find your purpose, this article is useful for you: How to Find the Purpose of Life and Start Living a Fulfilling Life

10. Find Humor

During times of stress and hardship, it’s easy to spiral into negativity and take yourself too seriously. I’m not saying that pain is funny. However, I am saying that it’s a lot easier to move through your mess when you can laugh at it.

It’s okay to have a pity party and feel sorry for a situation that you may find yourself in. However, there has to be a point when you shift way from this state to one that is more empowering.

I have always found humor to be a powerful therapeutic tool. Research shows that the person who can play with a difficult situation creates an inner feeling of “This is my plaything; I am bigger than it . . . I won’t let it scare me.”

11. Move Your Body

Your emotions are stored in your body. If you don’t express yourself through movement and allow the energy to flow through you, what do you think happens? When your body gets stuck, so do you.

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Negative energy loves stagnation. If you don’t move your body, all of that toxic energy will only create a downward spiral of negative emotions. When in doubt, move.

The easiest and healthiest way to shift your emotional state is by shifting your physiology. When the power is flowing through you, without interference, the negativity in your body will begin to break up.[6]

The next time that you feel stuck, dance, run or shake — whatever it takes to find freedom in your body and create resilience in action.

12. Express Your Truth

When you hear the word, ‘vulnerability,’ what words come to mind? For a lot of people, it’s fear, shame, guilt and mistrust.

This is because we are brought up to believe that vulnerability is a sign of weakness when, in actuality, the opposite is true. If you want to strengthen your emotional resilience, it will require that you shift your internal narrative about vulnerability.

Yes, it takes an insane amount of courage and resilience to show up in this world as your true self. However, the alternative sounds a lot scarier. Not speaking your truth is a surefire way to live a life of fear and hide behind a mask so as to make others feel comfortable.

If being vulnerable scares you, practice it with your close friends in an environment where you feel safe and supported. Over time, you will get used to sharing your feelings with more people.

When you can connect with yourself on a deeper level and aren’t afraid to be fully seen, you become a more mentally stronger person. You become committed to living in alignment with your truth. There is nothing more powerful.

Learn more in this article: Accept Yourself (Flaws and All): 7 Benefits of Being Vulnerable

13. Develop Resourcefulness

You don’t become resourceful just by luck. Rather, you only develop this skill when you are faced with experiences that force you to find solutions to your problems.

The American Psychological Association defines that:[7]

“Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress”

The most resourceful people are also the most resilient. They plan for adversity, in the sense that they flex their mental muscle and have a plan in place if life throws them a curveball. As such, they don’t merely survive through life’s most difficult situations. Rather, they become stronger.

When disaster strikes, resourcefulness is your most important tool against defeat. There is nothing that you cannot handle. Believe it.

Final Thoughts

I hope these strategies inspire you to start strengthening your emotional resilience.

Life will knock you down. However, it’s up to you whether or not to lose your spark. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Wipe away the tears, get up and continue to move forward.

Your inner power is the quiet force within you that knows when to act and gives you the strength to do so. Listen to it and believe that, no matter what happens, you’ve got this.

More Tips About Building Resilience

Featured photo credit: Masaaki Komori via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Ashley Elizabeth

Resilience Mastery Coach and Motivational Speaker

What Motivates You to Succeed in Life and Keep Moving Forward? The Effects of Stress on Your Body And Mind (You Never Knew) How to Overcome Fear and Find Success (The Ultimate Guide) what is grit What Is Grit and How to Develop It for a Successful Life How to Train Your Brain to Be Optimistic

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Published on September 23, 2020

6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

I don’t know about you, but many times when I hear the word negotiate I think of lawyers working out a business deal or having to do battle with a car salesman to try to get a lower price. Since I am in recruiting, the term “negotiation” comes up when someone is attempting to get a higher compensation package.

If we think about it, we tend to negotiate almost every day in a wide variety of things we do. Getting a handle on the important negotiation skills can be incredibly beneficial in many parts of our lives. Let’s take a look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

What is Negotiation?

First, let’s take a look at what negotiation is. Put simply, negotiation is a method by which people settle their differences. It is a process in which compromise or agreement can be reached without argument or dispute.

Anytime two people or sides disagree on something, they are almost always looking for the best possible outcome for their side. This could be from an individual’s perspective or someone representing an organization.

In reality, it’s rare that one side gets everything they want and the other side gets nothing that they are seeking. Seeking to reach a common ground of sorts where both sides feel like they are getting most of what they want is the key to being successful and maintaining the relationship.

Places We Negotiate

I’ve mentioned that we negotiate in just about all phases of our life. For those of you who are shaking your head no, I invite you to think about the following:

1. Work/Business

This one is the most obvious and it’s what naturally comes to mind when we think of the word “negotiate”.

When you first started at your current job, you might have asked for a higher salary. It could be that you delivered a huge new client to your company and used this as leverage in your most recent evaluation for more compensation. If you work with vendors (and just about every company does), maybe you worked them to a lower price or better contract terms.

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In recruiting, I negotiate with candidates and hiring managers all the time to land the best talent I can find. It’s very common to accept additional work with the (sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) agreement that it will benefit your career in the future.

Recently, I took over a project that was my boss was working on so that I would be able to attend a conference later in the year. And so it goes, we do this all day long at work.

2. Personal

I don’t know about you, but I negotiate with my spouse all the time. I’ll cook dinner with the understanding that she does the dishes. Who wants to mow the lawn and who wants to vacuum and dust the house?

I think we should save 10% for retirement, but she thinks 5% is plenty. Therefore, we save 8%. And don’t even get me started with my kids. My older daughter can borrow my car as soon as she finishes her chores. My younger daughter can go hang out with her friends when her homework is done.

Then, there are all those interactions in our personal lives outside our homes. The carpenter wants to charge me $12,000 to build a new deck. I think $10,000 is plenty so we agree on $11,000. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow his snowblower in the winter if I invite him over the next time I grill steak. And so on.

3. Ourselves

You didn’t expect this one, did you? We negotiate with ourselves all day long.

I’ll make sure I don’t skip my workout tomorrow since I’m going to have that extra piece of pizza. My spouse has been quiet the last few days, is it worth me asking her about, or should I leave it alone? I think the car place charged me for some repairs that weren’t needed, should I say something or just let it go? I know my friend has been having some personal challenges, should I check in with him? We’ve been friends for a long time, I’m sure he’d come to me if he needed help. I’ve got the #4 pick in this year’s Fantasy Football draft, should I choose a running back or a wide receiver?

Think about that non-stop voice inside your head. It always seems to be chattering away about something and many times, it’s us negotiating with ourselves. I’ll finish up that report that the boss needs before I turn on the football game.

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Why Negotiation Skills Are So Important

Put simply, negotiation skills are important because we all interact with other people, and not only other people but other organizations and groups of people as well.

We all rarely want the same thing or outcome. Most of the time a vendor is looking at getting you to pay a higher price for something than you want to spend. Therefore, it’s important to negotiate to some middle ground that works well for both sides.

My wife and I disagree on how much to save for retirement. If we weren’t married it wouldn’t be an issue. We’d each contribute how much we wanted to on our retirement funds. We choose to be married, so we have to come to some agreement that we both feel comfortable with. We have to compromise. Therefore, we have to negotiate.

If we each lived on a planet by ourselves, we would be free to do just about anything we wanted to. We wouldn’t have to compromise with anyone because we wouldn’t interact with anyone. We would make every choice unilaterally the way we wanted to.

As we all know, this isn’t how things are. We are constantly interacting with other people and organizations, each one with their own agenda’s, viewpoints, and opinions. Therefore, we have to be able to work together.

6 Negotiation Skills to Master

Having strong negotiation skills helps us create win-win situations with others, allowing us to get most of what we want in conjunction with others around us.

Now, let’s look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

1. Preparation

Preparation is a key place to start with when getting ready to negotiate. Being prepared means having a clear vision of what you want and how you’d go about achieving it. It means knowing what the end goal looks like and also what you are willing to give to get it.

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It also means knowing who you are negotiating with and what areas they might be willing to compromise on. You should also know what your “bottom line” is. By “bottom line” I mean what is the most you are willing to give up to get what you want.

For instance, several years ago, I decided it was time to get a newer car. I say newer because I wanted a “new to me” car, not a brand new car. I did my research and figured out what type of car I wanted. I decided on what must-have items on the car I wanted, the highest amount of miles that would already be on it, the colors I was willing to get it in, and the highest amount of money I was willing to pay.

After visiting numerous car dealerships I was able to negotiate buying a car. I knew what I was willing to give up (amount of money) and what I was willing to accept, things like the color, amount of miles, etc. I came prepared. This is critical.

2. Clear Communication

The next key skill you need to be an effective negotiator is clear communication. You have to be able to clearly articulate what you want to the other party. This means both clear verbal and written communication.

If you can’t clearly tell the other person what you want, how do you expect to get it? Have you ever worked through something with a vendor or someone else only to learn of a surprise right at the end that wasn’t talked about before? This is not what you would call clear communication. It’s essential to be able to share a coherent and logical vision with the person you are working with.

3. Active Listening

Let’s do a quick review of active listening. This is when you are completely focused on the speaker, understand their message, comprehend the information, and respond appropriately. This is a necessary ingredient to be able to negotiate successfully. You must be able to fully focus on the other person’s wants to completely understand them.

If you aren’t giving them your full attention, you may miss some major points or details. This leads to frustration down the road on both sides. Ensure you are employing your active listening skills when in arbitration mode.

4. Teamwork and Collaboration

To be able to get to a place of common ground and a win-win scenario, you have to have a sense of teamwork and collaboration.

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If you are only thinking about yourself and what you want without giving much care to what the other person is wanting, you are bound to wind up without a solution. The other person may get frustrated and give up if they see you are unwilling to meet them halfway or care little for what they want.

When you collaborate, you are working together to help each other get what is most important to you. The other upside to negotiating with a sense of teamwork and collaboration is that it helps create a sense of trust, which, in turn, helps provide positive energy for working to a successful conclusion.

5. Problem Solving

Problem-solving is another key negotiation skill. When you are working with the other person to get the deal done many times you’ll face new challenges along the way.

Maybe you want a new vendor to provide training on the software they are selling you but they say it’s going to cost an additional $20,000 to provide this service. If you don’t have the additional $20,000 in the budget to spend on the software but you feel the training is critical, how are you going to solve that problem?

From what I’ve seen, most vendors aren’t willing to provide additional services without getting paid for them. This is where problem-solving skills will help continue the discussions. You might suggest to the vendor that your company will also be looking to replace their financial software next year, and you’d be happy to ensure they get one of the first seats at the table when the time comes if they could perhaps lower the pricing on their training.

There’s a solution to most challenges, but it takes problem-solving skills to work through them effectively.

6. Decision-Making Ability

Finally, having strong decision-making ability will help you seal the deal when you get to a place where everyone feels like they are getting what works for them. Each step of the way you can cross off the list when you get what you are looking for and decide to move onto the next item. Then, once you have all of your must-have boxes checked and the other side feels good about things, it’s time to shake hands and sign on the dotted line. Powerful decision-making ability will help you get to the finish line together.

Conclusion

There you have it, 6 effective negotiation skills to master to lead a more fulfilling life. Once we realize that we negotiate in one form or another almost every day in every phase of our lives, we realize how critical a skill it is.

Possessing strong negotiation skills will help you in nearly every one of your relationships at both the workplace and in your personal life. If you feel your arbitration tools could use some sharpening, try some of the 6 effective negotiation skills to master that we’ve talked about.

More Tips to Improve Your Negotiation Skills

Featured photo credit: Windows via unsplash.com

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