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We Don’t Need a Lot of Self-Help Books, We Need Resilience

We Don’t Need a Lot of Self-Help Books, We Need Resilience

Have you ever noticed that some people are just really good at bouncing back? They roll with the punches life throws them with almost effortless ease. For years, I wondered what their secret was.

I’ve gone to hypnotherapists, looked into Buddhism, read through a frankly weird amount of self-help books (I think the people at my local library are a little concerned), all to little avail. I wondered if these people were unusually tough? Perhaps even unusually uncaring?

No, in the end these people who stand against adversity have resilience, nothing more.

The good news is, resilience can be learned and developed.

Surprisingly, there is no single agreed definition for resilience; however, in general resilience is that X factor that makes people keep going through adversity. To some degree, resiliency is a product of biological factors, or was formed in childhood when the brain was in development.[1]

A thirty year study followed 698 children for the first three decades of their lives.[2] During the study, particular attention was paid to reactions to trauma and stress. Two thirds came from comfortable, stable homes, and functioned generally okay.

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The other third were considered “at risk,” and had been exposed to unusual stress or difficulties in their home life. Two thirds of this group unfortunately grew up developing learning and behavioral issues. The remaining third, like the ones from safe, comfortable homes, grew up to be good, caring adults. They developed resilience.

The reasons for this were twofold:

  • Some of the “at risk” had access to a supportive caregiver who helped make sure they didn’t go through their problems alone.
  • Others were fiercely independent from a young age and went through their lives on their own terms.

Interestingly, some who initially weren’t resilient, later developed resiliency.

To develop resilience, you don’t really need to do the tough stuff.

So, what does it take to actually get some extra resilience? Well, here are four ways to build some up, and all of them involve finding peace in yourself.

1. Always look on the bright side, especially in stressful situations.

This is a key, underlining aspect to it all. It makes a lot of sense, because, for example, if someone were to react to a stressful event by thinking it was the worst thing in the world, it will seem as such. But were they to somehow remain positive, to see the silver lining in it, then it will seem less overwhelming, and as such they will be more resilient.

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So it is important to remain positive about the past, present and future.

In some of my experiments with Buddhism, I have been told that the world appears to us as we imagine it to be, and the real trauma is not the event itself, but our emotional reaction to the trauma (if you want the point backed up by Eastern spirituality).

2. Stay connected with someone supportive.

One unifying factor of the most resilient children in the study mentioned earlier is that they had a support structure. They had parents, guardians, or a teacher that had their back. Other reports and studies have suggested the same.[3]

All you need is someone who wants to see you succeed and is willing to help you do so. To children it can be a parent, guardian, or teacher. But for you, having a group of good friends is just as effective.

3. Do good to make people feel good.

Studies have shown that doing good increases production of Serotonin, a neurotransmitter that regulates mood, in the body.[4] Low levels of serotonin are often found in people suffering from depression.

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So, doing good makes you feel good.

Doing good can also help put things in perspective if you are faced with people who are suffering tougher challenges in their lives.

Some have also suggested making an effort to note when kindness is done to you, perhaps by creating a gratitude journal or blog.[5] People are more likely to remember when they have been mistreated, so having a reminder of the many times you have been treated well may help cancel out negativity.

4. Take very good care of yourself.

With this I don’t just mean keeping active and eating well (which can’t hurt), but paying attention to your mind. Stress can accumulate, which by extension can have a lasting impact on your mood and make you react severely to stressful situations, ultimately exacerbating them.[6]

A setback you might easily be able to take might knock you down if you already have a lot of stress in your life. To counter the effects of this cumulative stress, you should make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep and rest.

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Even when you are just relaxing, parts of your brain are working on overdrive, especially when stressed. Rest and sleep can counteract this.

Practicing all of the above could greatly improve your resilience and ability to stand tough against setbacks and trauma, as well as be better equipped to handle stress and feel good while doing so.

I’ll leave you with the last stanza of a poem: “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley.[7]

This poem was one that proved a great benefit to Nelson Mandela during his 25 years in prison, as well as me during much less inspiring stuff. The poem summarizes resilience in a nice way.

“It matters not how straight the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul.”

Reference

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Arthur Peirce

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Last Updated on October 17, 2019

How to Spend More Quality Time with Your Partner

How to Spend More Quality Time with Your Partner

You see your partner every single day. They are the first person you talk to in the morning and the last person you kiss goodnight.

But does seeing each other day in and day out equal a healthy relationship? Not necessarily.

Spending quality time with your partner is the best way to ensure your relationship stays healthy and strong. This means going above and beyond sitting together while you watch Netflix or going out for the occasional dinner. You deserve more from your relationship – and so does your spouse!

What does quality time mean? It means spending time with your spouse without interruption. It’s a chance for you to come together and talk. Communication will build emotional intimacy and trust.

Quality time is also about expressing love in a physical way. Not sex, necessarily (but that’s great, too!) but through hand-holding, cuddling, caressing, and tickling. Studies show that these displays of affection will boost partner satisfaction.[1]

So how do you spend quality time with your partner? Here are 13 relationship tips on making the most out of your time with your partner.

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1. Recognize the Signs

If you want a healthy relationship, you have to learn how to recognize the signs that you need to spend more quality time together.

Some telltale signs include:

  • You’re always on your phones.
  • You value friendships or hobbies over quality time with your spouse.
  • You aren’t together during important events.
  • You are arguing more often or lack connection.
  • You don’t make plans or date nights.
  • You’re not happy.

If you are experiencing any of these relationship symptoms, know that quality time together can reverse the negative effects of the signs above.

2. Try New Things Together

Have you ever wanted to learn how to play an instrument or speak another language? How about skydive or ballroom dance?

Instead of viewing these as solo hobbies and interests, why not involve your partner?

Trying new activities together builds healthy relationships because it encourages spouses to rely on one another for emotional and physical support.

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Shared hobbies also promote marital friendship, and the Journal of Happiness Studies found that marital satisfaction was twice as high for couples who viewed each other as best friends.[2]

3. Schedule in Tech-Free Time

Your phone is a great way to listen to music, watch videos, and keep up-to-date with friends and family. But is your phone good for your relationship?

Many couples phone snub, or ‘phub’, one another. Studies show that phubbing can lower relationship satisfaction and increase one’s chances of depression.[3]

Reduce those chances by removing distractions when spending quality time together and showing your partner they have your full attention.

4. Hit the Gym as a Couple

One way you can spend more time together as a couple is by becoming workout partners. Studies show that couples are more likely to stay with their exercise routine if they work out together.[4] Couples also work out harder than they would solo. One study found that 95 percent of couples who work out together maintained weight loss compares to the 66 percent of singles who did.[5]

Join a gym, do at-home couples’ workouts, try couples yoga, hit the hiking trails, or get your bikes out. No matter which way you choose to exercise, these healthy activities can promote a healthy relationship.

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5. Cook Meals Together

Pop open a bottle of wine or put some romantic music on while you get busy – in the kitchen, of course!

One of the best relationship tips for spending quality time together when you both have busy schedules is to cook meals together.[6]

Spice things up and try and prepare a four-course meal or a fancy French dish together. Not only is this a fun way to spend your time together, but it also promotes teamwork.

If all goes well, you’ll have a romantic date night meal at home that you prepared with your four hands. And if the food didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped, you are guaranteed to have a laugh and create new memories together.

6. Have a Regular Date Night

Couples experience a greater sense of happiness and less stress when they are spending quality time together.[7] One of the biggest relationship tips for a healthy partnership is to include a date night in your weekly routine.

The National Marriage Project found that having a weekly date night can make your relationship seem more exciting and helps prevent relationship boredom.[8] It also lowers the probability of divorce, improves your sex life, and increases healthy communication.

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Some great ideas for what to do on your date night include:

  • Have a movie marathon – Gather up your favorite flicks and cuddle up on the couch.
  • Play games together – Cards, board games, video games, and other creative outlets are a fun way to spend quality time together.
  • Recreate your first date – Go back to that restaurant and order the same meal you did when you first got together. You can spice up your evening by pretending you’re strangers meeting for the first time and see how sexy the night gets.
  • Plan a weekend getaway – There’s nothing better than traveling with the one you love.
  • Dinner and a movie – A classic!
  • Try a new restaurant – Make it your mission to rate and try all of the Mexican restaurants/Irish pubs/Italian trattorias in your area.
  • Have a long sex session – Intimacy promotes the release of the oxytocin hormone which is responsible for a myriad of great feelings.[9]

Here’re even more date night ideas for your reference: 50 Unique and Really Fun Date Ideas for Couples

Final Thoughts

The benefits of spending quality time together are endless. Here are just some of the ways it can contribute to a healthy relationship:

  • Improves emotional and physical intimacy
  • Lowers divorce rates
  • Improves communication
  • Reduces marital boredom
  • Bonds couples closer
  • Improves friendship
  • Boosts health
  • Reduces stress

These are all excellent reasons to start making date night a regular part of your week.

It’s easy to have a healthy relationship when you set aside dedicated time to share with your spouse. Try new things together, make your spouse your workout buddy, and look for innovative ways to be close and connected.

These relationship tips will bring great benefits to your marriage.

Featured photo credit: Allen Taylor via unsplash.com

Reference

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