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Practical Advice for Overcoming Problems in INFP Relationships

Practical Advice for Overcoming Problems in INFP Relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who you felt like was your complete opposite? I have. And it’s frustrating. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about!

Sometimes you just want to bash your head into a wall because you don’t understand why the person does what he/she does. And what happens as a result?

Conflict.

Despite what people think about conflict, it’s not inherently negative. While most people dislike it – and/or try to avoid it – how you deal with it is what will inevitably make or break a relationship.

One of the reasons we have so many problems in relationships is because of our differing personality types. One of the most popular personality tests is called the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test. If you haven’t heard of it, 16personalities.com is a good reference to read up on it.

One of the sixteen personality types is the INFP. It stands for Introversion – Intuition – Feeling – Perception. As with any other kinds of personalities, people with this type have characteristics that can cause problems in relationships.

So, let’s take a look at some of them, and then figure out how to overcome them.

8 Potentially Problematic Characteristics of the INFP Personality Type

Before we talk about some of these seemingly negative personality traits, let me just say that INFPs also have some very redeeming qualities as well. However, that’s not what we’re here to talk about.

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So, let’s take a look into an INFPs mind and see how we can have successful relationships with them.

1. They can be procrastinators.

Yeah, I know. Most people are procrastinators at some time or another – especially when they don’t want to do something. However, INFPs tend to procrastinate a little more than most people. They don’t tend to be very good at regulating their time, so they tend to put things off longer than they should.

If you are the type of person who hates procrastination, then you just need to accept that it’s a reality for most INFPs. Perhaps you can gently remind them of the things that need to be done ahead of time.

Or, if you are in control of telling them when the “due date” is, you could simply tell them that it is a bit earlier than it really is.

2. They can be lazy.

“Lazy” tends to be a pejorative word. It’s fine when you’re lazy because you’re on vacation and laying on a beach all day long. But when it’s the weekend and some projects need to get done around the house, or you simply want to go out and have some fun, well, the INFP might not be on board with you.

I was married to an INFP for a while, and I used to joke that it was like pulling teeth trying to get him showered, off the couch, and out the door to do anything on the weekends.

But the key is to inspire them, encourage them, and plan things that will naturally interest them. If they feel pressured to do something, they might resist. So, refrain from name-calling or so-called nagging. Because it might get you the opposite result of what you want.

3. They like to isolate themselves.

Introverts tend to need a lot of alone time. That’s because that’s how they re-charge. Being around people for an extended period of time is draining to them. So, you can understand how an extrovert would be confused by this need, since they are the opposite. In fact, a lot of extroverts take it as a person insult if the introvert wants to spend “too much time” alone.

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If you are in introvert yourself, then this won’t be a problem for you. But for us extroverts, it does sometimes hurt our feelings. We think that if someone likes or loves us, then they should want to spend as much time as they can with us.

So, extroverts just need to accept that INFPs need a lot of alone time, but it’s not because of you. It’s simply who they are.

4. They like to be spontaneous.

Spontaneity can be either good or bad, depending on who you are and what someone is being spontaneous about. Some people, like me, hate spontaneity (unless someone surprises me with an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii and already cleared my schedule ahead of time!). To me, if someone won’t plan something with me ahead of time, I find it rude.

But INFPs don’t like to be boxed into a corner. They like to keep their options open. I know several INFPs, and almost none of them even keep a calendar (which blows my mind!).

So, if you are like me, just sit down with them and talk about your need to plan. Tell them that you understand their need to be spontaneous. And then ask that you both meet in the middle sometimes.

5. They can be quiet and reserved.

Not all introverts are quiet and reserved. However, as a whole, they do tend to be more reserved than extroverts. Again, if you are an introvert this might not bother you – you might even prefer it. But for extroverts, it might present some problems.

I know quite a few couples where one is an extrovert and one is an introvert. And they all have the same struggle. For example, the extroverts are usually the ones trying to coax the introverts into some sort of social situation. And usually, the introverts will at least resist going. And even if they do, they tend to be more quiet in these situations, which frustrates the extroverts. They wonder why the introvert just won’t talk more!

What they have to keep in mind is that the introverts aren’t doing it on purpose. That is simply their nature. Once you accept that, then their quiet nature is no longer a “problem.”

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6. They have an extreme dislike of conflict.

As I mentioned above, conflict isn’t always a bad thing. It’s inevitable in any relationship, and sometimes it can help you grow and understand each other better. If handled properly, the two of you can become closer than ever.

However, the INFP has an extreme dislike of conflict. For example, I once dated an INFP guy for two months who completely “ghosted” me. I thought we were having a great time, but one day, I just never heard from him again. Obviously, he didn’t want to face me to break up with me, so he just thought it would be easier to slink away into the night and hope I forget about him.

Being an extrovert, this was a problem for me. I value communication and being up-front about everything. But INFPs don’t. And that’s fine. But not everyone is compatible with an INFP (myself included).

For other personality types who might not be as bothered by this behavior, just keep reminding your INFP that conflict isn’t bad. It can actually be a quite productive way to grow your relationship.

7. They prefer to move at a slow pace.

If you are entering into a romantic relationship with an INFP, you might not know if he/she actually likes you or not.

Many extroverts, like myself, tend to dive head first into a relationship when we finally find someone we like. We throw all caution to the wind and pour our hearts and souls into the other person. And we make it obvious that we like them and want to move the relationship further.

That’s not how INFPs are. They like to take things slowly. They don’t open up very easily to other people, and therefore, it takes some time to get to know them. It has nothing to do with the other person, it’s just who they are.

If you’re like that too, then it won’t be a problem. But if you’re like me, it may be disappointing or confusing to you since that’s not typically how extroverts operate.

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8. They struggle with self-examination.

For some people, self-examination is just natural and normal. For others, like INFPs, it is not.

I have been with a couple of INFPs before, and whenever I asked them, “Why do you feel this way?” or “Why did you do this?” (in a non-accusatory way), I usually got the response, “I don’t know.” And I always thought to myself, “How can he not know?!? If he doesn’t know… then who does?!?”

I used to think they were just being difficult and didn’t want to tell me. And it took me a while to realize that they really didn’t know.

As difficult as it was for me to accept that someone could not know why they think or act the way they do, I just had to realize that’s just how some people are. And that’s okay. Pushing them to figure themselves out won’t work. Some people just aren’t very capable of it, and an INFP is one of them.

The Bottom Line

I don’t like to say that these 8 characteristics are inherently negative, because they aren’t. It’s all a matter of perspective. For every person who despises spontaneity, there’s another person who loves it. Some people love to socialize, and others don’t. It doesn’t make them “bad people.” It just makes them different.

So, the important thing to remember here – whether it’s about INFPs or any other personality type – is that you have two choices. First, either accept and love the person for who they are (because you will never change them). Or second, find someone else that you are more compatible with if these differences bring you that much angst.

We all need to learn to accept people who are different than us, and to work through problems that arise out of those differences. It’s definitely possible. And now you know a little more about the INFP personality and the potential problems that can come along with them, hopefully you can work through your issues a little bit better in the future.

More Resources About Personality Types

Featured photo credit: Jared Sluyter via unsplash.com

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Carol Morgan

Dr. Carol Morgan is the owner of HerSideHisSide.com, a communication professor, dating & relationship coach, TV personality, speaker, and author.

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Last Updated on January 16, 2020

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

The way you feel about yourself greatly influences how you live and interact with others. If you are confident about yourself, you tend to see yourself positively and actually enjoy spending time with and around people. You don’t feel self-conscious or awkward around others, and that allows you to live your fullest and happiest life.

However, if you’re drowning in a sea of self-doubt, hesitancy and shyness, you often withdraw and isolate yourself from others and avoid interacting and connecting with people. That anxiety you feel in the pit of your stomach when you are around people is holding you back greatly and it is not good for your emotional health and overall well-being. You need to do something about it if you are low in self-confidence or have friends or family members who are not confident.

“Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you’re better than everyone, it’s walking in not having to compare yourself to anyone” – Anonymous

Here are simple, practical tips to boost your confidence right now and make you feel and act your best.

1. Stop labeling yourself as awkward, timid or shy.

When you label yourself as awkward, timid or shy, you sub-consciously tell your mind to act accordingly and psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. Instead of labeling and entertaining negative self-talk, visualize and affirm yourself as confident and strong. Close your eyes for a minute and visualize yourself in different situation as you would like to be.

Be your own cheerleader. Experts believe that positive affirmation and good mental practices like picturing yourself winning or achieving a goal can lead to greater feelings of self-assurance and prepare your brain for success.[1] As the saying goes, “seeing is believing.” Picture yourself as confident and soon enough you will begin to manifest behavior that gives evidence to this new ‘fact.’

2. Recognize that the world is not focused on you (unless, of course, you are Kanye West).

That means you don’t have to be excessively sensitive about who you are or what you are doing (or not doing). You are not on the center stage; there is no need for preoccupation with self and perfectionism. As rap music star Rocko sings, “You just do you and I will do me, aight?”

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Forget about trying to please everyone or being perfect. Trying to be perfect and being a people-pleaser puts too much pressure on you and creates unnecessary anxiety. Besides, people are too preoccupied with their own issues to pay much attention to your every move unless, of course, you are a mega famous, super celebrity like Beyonce or Kanye West.

3. Focus on other people as opposed to yourself.

If you are low on confidence, self-conscious, nervous and shy in social situations, focus your attention on other people and what they are saying or doing instead of focusing on your own awkwardness.

For example, think about what it is that is interesting about the person who’s the centre of the party or the guy or girl you are talking with. Prompt them to talk more about themselves and be genuinely curious and interested in what they say. You will instantly come across as confident and warmhearted.

People generally want to talk about themselves, be heard and understood. They will love it when you’re eager and willing to listen to them and really hear what they have to say.

This habit of focusing more on what you love in others as opposed to what you dislike in yourself will not only help you become more assertive and comfortable in virtually all social situations, but also instantly make you feel great about yourself.

4. Know (and accept) yourself for who you are.

Chinese military general, strategist and philosopher Sun Tzu, author of the internationally acclaimed book The Art of War, said, “Know yourself and you will win all battles.” Even in the battle with lack of confidence, you will need to know yourself to win.

Knowing yourself starts with understanding that people are not all the same, neither are all social situation suitable for everyone. You might not be confident in large gatherings, but you could be bold and confident in one-on-one and small group interactions. We all have our own unique gifts and unique ways of expressing ourselves. Embrace yours!

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Introverts, for example, have a quiet confidence that is, unfortunately, often confused for shyness. They are naturally low key and prefer to spend time alone. However, this natural disposition affords them certain unique gifts, such as an ability to listen better than most people and notice things that others don’t.

Your uniqueness is where your strength and advantage lies. You won’t be comfortable and confident in all situations all the time. Albert Einstein said,

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

5. Crack a smile.

If there is one sure way to instantly boost your confidence, it’s cracking a smile. Christine Clapp, a public speaking expert at The George Washington University, says that flashing those pretty, pearly white teeth will immediately make you appear both confident and composed. But, the effect of smiling is not just external. Studies show that smiling can also help nix feelings of stress and pave the way for a happier and more relaxed you.[2]

Not a bad return for something seemingly so trite, wouldn’t you agree?

6. Break a sweat—with exercise.

Working out is another great way to make yourself feel amazing and confident. Science has shown that exercising increases your endorphins, helps reduce stress, tones your muscles and makes you feel happy and confident.[3]

And hey, all you have to do is take a walk a few times a week and you’ll see the benefits. What seems to matter—as far as your confidence goes—is whether you break a sweat, not how strenuous your session is, which is pretty cool. Start working out now.

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7. Groom yourself.

This might seem mundane, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and shave can have on your confidence and self-image. And when you spritz on a scent, the boost on confidence and self-esteem is incredible. As it turns out, your favorite fragrance does more than make you smell oh-so-nice.

A study found that a fragrance can inspire confidence in men. Interestingly, the study also found that the more a man likes the fragrance, the more confident he might feel. Another study found that 90% of women feel more confident while wearing a scent than those who go fragrance-free.

8. Dress nicely.

Another one that might seem trite, but it works. If you dress nicely, you’ll instantly feel good about yourself and give your confidence a real boost. That is largely because you’ll feel attractive, presentable and sometimes even successful in nice clothes.

While dressing nicely means something different for everyone, it does not necessarily mean wearing $500 designer outfits. It means wearing clothes that are clean, that you are comfortable in and that are nice-looking and presentable, including casual clothes.

9. Do activities you enjoy.

Whether it is reading a book, playing a musical instrument, riding your bicycle or going fishing, do what you really enjoy and what makes you truly happy often. It will boost your self-esteem, soothe your ego and allow you to identify with your gifts and talents. That will in turn bolster your self-belief and grow your confidence exponentially.

You might not become popular for doing what you love, but you might not even want to be popular at all. Being popular doesn’t make you happy; doing what you love does.

10. Prepare for the possibility of rejection / setback.

Late World No. 1 professional tennis player Arthur Ashe said, “One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation.” You need to prepare for the possibility of rejection and setback.

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Why?

Everybody suffers rejection and setback at one point or another. You are not exempted. The question on your mind, therefore, should not be if you will be rejected, but how you will handle rejection when it comes.

Prepare yourself adequately in every situation to minimize the risk and effect of rejection and so that your confidence is not broken. For example, learn public speaking and rehearse what you are going to say beforehand if you have landed a public speaking engagement. That way, you are sure of yourself and confident you have what it takes to hack it. If you are rejected, don’t take it personally.

Rejection and setbacks happen to the best of us. Take it as a learning experience. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

11. Face uncomfortable situations square in the face.

Don’t run away from uncomfortable situations. Running away from people or situations because you feel scared, shy or timid only confirms and reinforces your shyness. Instead, face the situation that makes you uneasy square in the face. For example, go ahead and talk to that person you are afraid to approach, or go straight to the front of your yoga class! What’s the worst that can happen?

Prepare and be ready for any eventuality. The more you face your fears, the more you realize you are stronger than you thought and the more confident you get. This simple, yet admittedly courageous, act makes you unstoppable. You get comfortable being uncomfortable and begin to feel like you can take on the world. And that is the hallmark of someone destined for great things.

12. Sit up straight and walk tall—you are awesome!

Yes, sit up straight and believe you are awesome. Don’t slump in your chair or slouch your shoulders. Experts say the right stance can not only keep your self-esteem and mood lifted, but also lead to more confidence in your own thoughts.[4]

The way to sit is to open up your chest and keep your head level so that you look and feel poised and assured. And when you get up, stand tall and walk like you’re on a mission. People who sit up straight and walk tall are more attractive and instantly feel more confident. Try it now: you’ll feel fierce and confident just by sitting up straight and walking tall.

Featured photo credit: Freshh Connection via unsplash.com

Reference

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