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How To Get Over Someone You Deeply Love

How To Get Over Someone You Deeply Love

When a relationship ends, it can be immensely heartbreaking. We all cope with breakups in our own individual way with some people seemingly getting over someone quickly while others take a lot longer. If you feel you’re one of those people who take ages to recover from a breakup then you are definitely not alone. We are always told that after the initial shock and sadness that it’s plain sailing from there on in. But is this really the case? Getting out there again can seem extremely daunting or not even close to being on our radar and this is okay. It’s okay to feel sad and numb for a while, after all, it is a grieving process and it needs to be seen through to the end before we can start to heal ourselves.

Whatever stage you’re at, whether you’re at the beginning or perhaps it’s been months or years and you still find yourself mourning over the relationship, it’s all normal. As much as they feel rubbish, your negative feelings and emotions are leading you on to the road to recovery so don’t feel bad for still feeling them – it just means you’re still healing and that’s a good thing. There are many actions you can take that will help you move in a positive direction; allowing yourself to heal while shifting your mindset to one of recovery and peace.

Remember There’s No Time Limit

The first thing that’s important to remember is that there really isn’t a time limit to how long it’ll take to get over someone you love. You have probably heard the phrase ‘time’s a healer’ and it is – but this also makes us feel pressured to get over something quicker than we can. We feel ashamed if it’s been months or even years and we still don’t feel we’ve moved on. Always remember that it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about taking your time to heal as there really is no time limit.

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Let Yourself Feel Your Emotions

Negative emotions are often demonised and we are made to feel as though feeling sad, angry and hurt is not good for us. We absolutely need to go through the grieving process and that brings denial, anger, blame, depression, desperation, false hope and many more in between. Often these emotions go around in circles so it can feel as though you’re getting over it but then some come back to whack you straight in the face again. It may feel like the hurt is endless but remember to go with it – accept the feelings for what they are; a means to an end.

Remove Your Ex From Social Media and Your Phone

In this day and age, we are bombarded by other people’s lives. Seeing what your ex is up to is ridiculously easy to do but the problem with this is that you’re not giving yourself space to heal. If you’re finding it hard to let go of someone then you need to consider removing them from all social media including your phone. This may feel like the last thing you want to do but sometimes the best things to do aren’t always the most comfortable. Remember that you are doing this for yourself and no one else. Seeing what they are up to all the time is only opening the emotional wound over and over again and that wound will never have its chance to heal. After the initial sadness of deletion you will feel very empowered and this empowerment will be good for your soul.

Remember To Love Yourself

When we go through a heartbreaking separation, it’s very easy to blame ourselves and believe that we just weren’t good enough for them or the relationship. Even the most confident people can get an attack of unworthiness issues so don’t beat yourself up. However, it’s crucial to remember that your worth is not tied to them – you are your own person. As much as you may think it, your identity is not, and was not, tied to the relationship you had. Remembering to love yourself is probably the most important thing you can do after a breakup.

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Write Down How You Feel

There’s a wonderful power in writing things down. Journaling your feelings may seem straight out of a 90s TV show but it has great healing qualities. Write down how you feel, read it back to yourself, throw it away or box it up. Seeing your feelings down on paper can help your mind gain perspective and see things from another point of view. Another great thing to do is to write down a list of all the parts of the past relationship that annoyed or irritated you. A lot of the time we romanticise about the past and remember it better than it was. Writing down the negatives will serve as a reminder and will help when you have moments of relapse.

Turn Your Energy Into Something Positive

Although sitting around eating all the chocolate and binge-watching TV shows is a great thing to do initially, there needs to come a time when being proactive is a must to get our lives going again. If you’re still not up for seeing people or socialising then start an exercise routine. Go running, walking or cycling – anything that will get those endorphins going. Exercise is an excellent catalyst to recovery – it will clear and calm your mind and reduce any stress. Being around people also really helps speed up recovery. Immersing yourself around people who love you serves as a gentle reminder that love doesn’t just exist in romantic relationships – friends and family can help you get out of that funk all the more quickly.

Don’t Hold On To Anger And Blame

Although embracing our negative emotions are good, holding on to anger and blame for too long can have a detrimental effect on ourselves and others. When we spend too much time in a space of blaming the other person for the way we feel, we are taking away our power and essentially giving it to them. It acts as a hinderance to our recovery and makes the process that much longer. Remember that no one is really to blame no matter what happened to end the relationship – bitterness can eat away at you and it’s important to recognise when this is taking over your thoughts and feelings.

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Don’t Torture Yourself

It’s very easy to fall into the trap of over-analysing why the relationship ended and wondering if there was something you could have done differently. These thoughts really serve us no purpose other than to torture ourselves. It’s common to fantasise about how you could have done better or regretting something you said or did that you feel could have contributed to the end of the relationship but the reality is that there really is nothing you could have done. Your mind can go into over-drive sometimes but you need to do all you can to calm it down – whether it’s using yoga or meditation techniques or trying to focus on something else entirely.

Remember There Isn’t Just One Person Out There For You

We live on a planet with billions of people. It can feel like that person was the only one for you but we all know that isn’t the case. You probably believe that no one else will make you laugh like that again, or have so much in common with you and yes, that may be true. But everyone is unique in their own way and there will be someone (or many more people) who will connect and bond with you in so many awesome ways. There was a reason that the relationship didn’t work out and it’s simply because you weren’t meant to be together but that doesn’t have to be a sad thought. You grew as a person and that will only serve you well for the next amazing person to enter your life. It might not be soon but it will happen – just have faith it will all work out.

You Will See The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Fundamentally, you will feel like you are in some kind of darkness for a while. It can be a scary and daunting place especially if you haven’t experienced a serious breakup before. But as much as you probably can’t imagine it or think about it, there will come a day when you’ll come out the other side. It will feel wonderful and natural, you’ll feel whole again, you’ll be able to laugh and smile without thinking of them and most importantly, you will be a stronger and better person because of it. You may feel alone but millions of people have been through the exact same process in their own unique way and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Use this as a reminder and a testament to the fact that you will also get through this too.

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Featured photo credit: Simone Perrone via magdeleine.co

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Jenny Marchal

A passionate writer who loves sharing about positive psychology.

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Last Updated on May 28, 2020

10 Success Principles for Living Your Dream Life

10 Success Principles for Living Your Dream Life

Are you stressed out and overwhelmed, wishing you had more time to do the things that really matter? Are you ready to do something better, something special in your life or your career?

You were born with a gift that no one else in the world can express like you. When you dance to your own music, you naturally develop your innate abilities and excel in work and life. You are a total rock star. But when you live someone else’s idea of who you should be, it throws off your groove.

Many people—maybe you—stopped following their dreams way too early in life because their talents were ignored, minimized, or shamed. They didn’t have the chops to win an American Idol competition or nab an Olympic gold medal, so they stopped expressing their inborn gifts altogether.

You don’t need to be an award winner to rock your life. Living your dream life is about discovering your superpowers and feeling vibrant and joyful when you use them. It’s about owning what makes you unique and finding like-minded people to support you.

Here are 10 success principles to help you live a rich and rewarding life on your terms that have worked with thousands of people in my workshops and will work for you, too.

1. Get a Hobby to Move Closer to Your Dreams

If you never became a professional dancer or a world-renowned author, it does NOT mean you should stop dancing or writing! These activities make you come alive, even if you “only” do them as favorite pastimes.

Engaging in a hobby is one of the most important success principles you can follow to move closer to your dreams.

When you try something creative for the first time or in a long while, you begin to see opportunities at work and in life that you were unaware of before. You also feel happier and more energized, according to a recent study from New Zealand.[1]

Some of my most burned-out executive clients reinvigorated their careers by discovering a creative outlet that refueled them after the workday ended. Research at San Francisco State University shows that having a hobby lowers stress and helps you succeed at work.[2]

So, give yourself permission to try new things and revisit old passions you gave up long ago. Setting aside just one hour a week for personal exploration can significantly change your life.

Who knows? Your creative outlet could transform into a thriving business or lead to a new profession down the road.

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2. Focus on Your Strengths, Not Your Weaknesses

Did you know that you are more likely to succeed when you develop your natural strengths rather than work on your weaknesses? The problem is that you probably don’t know where your true talents lie.

Here are a few options to help you discover your unique strengths. You can:

  • Take the VIA Character Strengths Survey[3]
  • Try Gallup’s CliftonStrengths Assessment[4]
  • Answer a few Superpower Questions

Once you understand what makes you tick, you can use these skills at work and your personal life to get more done in less time. If you boost your unique abilities through practice and study, you can accelerate your career and become a leader in a field that matters to you. It’s worth investing in yourself this way.

3. Jumping off a Cliff is NOT Required

Here’s the deal: most people are too afraid to change. When participants first come to my workshops, they tell me they have mouths to feed, bills to pay, and fear that if they follow their dreams, someone will get hurt.

The old saying “leap and the net shall appear” does not comfort them. Because they are hesitant to plunge into the unknown, they believe their only option is to stay put where they are in life. Can you relate?

You do not have to sacrifice the life you have now to start a new one. I was a psychology professor by day and singer by night for years before I transitioned into a full-time music career.

Just take a little time out each week to do what enlivens you through a hobby, volunteer work, etc. Get a feel for it.

Is it what you really want? If so, increase the time you spend doing it and make the transition when the time feels right.

4. Give Your Inner Critic Some Love

The main culprit that keeps you from stepping outside your comfort zone and getting the life of your dreams is KCRP or K-CRAP – the radio station that plays 24/7 in your head. The moment you try to do something interesting with your life it slaps you down with such chart-topping killer hooks as “Who do you think you are?” and “You’ll never be good enough!”.

Have you ever noticed that KCRP’s mean-spirited DJ sounds like your parents, teachers, bosses, and other authority figures who shut you down creatively? These folks don’t need to stifle you any longer (although they often still do) because your inner critic does it for them. That keeps you stuck in a rut.

To break free, try thinking of this DJ as a gruff old grandfather who gives you crap to keep you safe. Remember, this grumpy grandpa is woefully out of touch with the times. So, his stern opinions don’t really matter much, do they? Give him a pat on the back for his good intentions, and put your focus back on what makes you come alive.

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This success principle will give you the courage to venture into the unknown where you can dance to the beat of your own drummer.

5. Embrace Your Inner Weirdo

Many of us don’t go after our dreams because we’re afraid folks will find out how odd or strange we are. But our little eccentricities often turn out to be our greatest strengths. Yes, it’s good to be quirky.

Odds are, you lost track of your true passions and talents before you were even old enough to know you were getting off-track. You became slowly “adulterated” by learning to:

  • Take on family roles that don’t match who you really are.
  • Spit back what teachers taught you in school rather than risk getting bad grades for being original.
  • Hide parts of yourself that don’t seem acceptable to certain social groups.

The price for fitting in is that you may wind up leading a life that doesn’t fit you all that well. Your true calling becomes clear when you embrace what makes you different from others and allow yourself to stand out from the crowd, even if it feels awkward.

Often, the very qualities you view as your flaws are your greatest gifts.

6. See the Bigger Picture to Find Your True Calling

I cannot stress the importance of this success principle enough. Your true calling is right in front of you. But you may miss it because you’re looking for it in the wrong place.

To “see” it clearly, try widening your point of view.

Case in point: Maria felt she needed to retire early from being a police detective, so she could travel abroad. I encouraged Maria to think of ways that she could continue to serve as a law enforcer (a career she loved) and travel overseas at the same time.

A few months later, Maria landed a job with the United Nations in Bosnia training the local police force to understand and embrace human rights procedures.

Like Maria, you are an everyday rock star capable of accomplishing greater things than you can imagine. Is what you’re looking for right in front of you, too? Do you have an inkling of what it may be?

Look beyond your day-to-day activities, your current job, and even the town you live in. View your life from an eagle’s perspective and be open to new possibilities.

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7. Try a Little Wish-List Magic

Pretend I’m your fairy godmother and I give you permission right now to be your most magnificent self. What kind of life would be music to your ears? It doesn’t matter whether it seems unattainable or even downright crazy. Write it down on a wish list.

Get quiet. Be honest. Think big.

What would you like your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, and your spiritual life to be like? Jot down enough details so that your wishes seem tangible to you. Then, look at this list every morning before you start your day and every night before you go to sleep.

Sounds silly? It’s not. It works! Permitting yourself to daydream about a rich and fulfilling life is the first step to manifesting it.

8. Take Breaks to Get Clues About Your Ideal Future

Did you know that working straight through to a deadline leads to diminishing returns? Research shows that taking a break for 15 minutes every 75 to 90 minutes can help you recharge, refresh your focus, and get more done in less time.[5]

Wait, it gets better! A Stanford study shows that walking increases your creative output increases by 60 percent. Doing repetitive activities such as walking, running, riding your bike, swimming, and sweeping allow solutions to problems to pop into your mind out of nowhere.[6]

What does this success principle have to do with creating your dream life?

These mini-breaks allow you to get vital clues for what to do next to attain your ideal future. Plus, you won’t waste precious time and energy getting lost in other people’s agendas.

9. Take Action on Your Inspired Ideas

Once an inspired thought pops into your mind, take action.

This is one of the most powerful success principles for turning your dreams into reality; the sooner the better. Whatever it is—from calling an old friend to taking a new route home—be sure to do it!

Pay attention to your oddball hunches. You need to go after what you want, not just dream about it. As comedian Jim Carrey warns,

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“You can’t just visualize and go eat a sandwich.”

10. Count Your Rockstar Moments

Still not sure you have what it takes to get your dream life? This final success principle is guaranteed to help.

Make a list of everything you’ve ever accomplished. As you read back through it, put a star next to each item, and let it sink in.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how good you’ll feel about yourself afterward. You’ll also see how effective you’ve been in the past at getting what you want. You’ve succeeded before, you can succeed again.

You already rock. You just need to own it. Trust me, you’ve got this!

Final Thoughts

Eleanor Roosevelt said,

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

Following these success principles will help you find the time and energy to do the things that really matter and live with clear intention.

By spending just one hour a week doing something you love, focusing on your strengths and achievements, embracing what makes you different, and acting on inspired ideas, you can create a life that is a perfect fit for you, step-by-step.

If you don’t have a clue about what your dream life could look like yet, don’t worry. Your heart knows. It has been “talking” to you for a long time. It’s just being muffled by KCRP, buried under a lot of “shoulds” and fear.

This article can also help you figure out the life you truly want to live: How to Get Motivated and Be Happy Every Day When You Wake Up.

Stand still, get quiet, and listen. It’s constantly telling you what you need to do to realize your own rockstar potential. It may be just a whisper now, but the more you pay attention to it, the louder it will get, and the easier it will be to follow.

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Featured photo credit: Rahul Dey via unsplash.com

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