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50 Red Flags You Should Watch for in Your Relationship

50 Red Flags You Should Watch for in Your Relationship

Red flags can come at any time in a relationship. Sometimes they come within the first week of dating, while others don’t show their face until 6 months in. Not every red flag is as visible as physical abuse either. Here are 50 red flags you should watch for in your relationships.

1. They never apologize for bad behavior.

If they do something wrong or something to hurt you, but never accept responsibility for the issue and rather just throw up excuses to why that behavior is okay or how it’s different in this case, that’s a major red flag. When’s the last time they apologized for their behaviour?

2. They think all their exes are crazy and don’t see the common denominator.

If your partner thinks all their exes are psycho and need a therapist, they probably don’t see the common denominator is themselves.

3. They use ultimatums to get their way.

If they are stubborn and threaten to end your relationship, instead of coming to a compromise, it will get tiring. The same old “maybe I will find someone who will do that instead” or “I will find someone better” story puts nothing but stress on your relationship to the point where you really are unsure of the health or condition of your relationship.

4. When they don’t text you back quick, but are always on their phone.

If you text your partner and it takes them ages to respond, yet when they are with you, they are never off their phone, that may be something to think about. Taking a long time to respond isn’t a big deal, but lying about why you weren’t responding is.

5. You don’t like their friends.

If the people they hang out with are not nice people, you should probably reevaluate things. If their “best friends” are rude (especially to you when you meet them) or if you don’t like how they act, this may be a wake-up call to who you’re actually dating.

6. They keep score about things you’ve said a long time ago.

They keep bringing up old things you’ve said, by mistake or even if you’ve forgotten saying it. Keeping score gets old quick.

7. They are upset when you go and hang out with your friends or family over them.

This could lead to bigger issues down the road. Their discomfort with you hanging out with other people will not deteriorate, it will get bigger. It will get to the point where your significant other despises your friends or family. Additionally, it is also a red flag if they try to keep you from doing anything you love.

8. When they complain or talk about their ex.

It’s hard to move on when you’ve still got your mind on old relationships. They are probably not over it yet and there’s nothing worse than a relationship with the ex still lingering around.

9. If they keep your relationship a secret.

People fall for it time and time again. If you haven’t met their friends, you’re not their partner.

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10. They don’t get along with many other people.

If they are rude and there is a lot of tension between them and other people, there must be a reason why all these people don’t like your partner.

11. They only tell half-truths.

Adults tell the full part of the story, and don’t leave out the parts that will make you upset. If there are parts that would make you upset, that would be a separate red flag.

12. They throw temper tantrums over little things.

Emotional stability is key in a long-term relationship and it’s a lot to deal with. If they have legitimate emotional issues, maybe they should see a psychiatrist. They should not be yelling at you, in person or by text message, multiple times per day.

13. They treat their family poorly.

Someone who is rude to their family, is not long-term relationship material. If you are thinking this relationship could last, they will start treating you like family one day, and that could or could not be a good thing.

14. They make rules over you.

They make rules about who you hang out with, where you go, who you talk to, what you wear, how you do your hair, etc. There’s a point where it all becomes too much, especially if your partner would never want to comply with the same set of rules that they place on you. Don’t let a double standard control your relationship.

15. They refuse to get close to your family.

They don’t make any effort to get to know your family, or the people who are important to you in your life.

16. You are the one who always apologizes to end fights.

People get tired, and there gets to be a point where the fighting is too much. It’s not uncommon for one person to continuously apologize, just to end the fight, regardless if they were right or wrong. If it becomes a routine that one person always apologizes and the other does not, you’re dating a master manipulator.

17. They password protect all of their devices.

If you know their passwords and don’t start questioning you or watching over you while you are on their device, that’s another story. This goes both ways. You have to let your partner go on your phone, just as much as you like to go on theirs.

18. They don’t comfort you in times of need.

They don’t show any sign of care for your comfort, or completely disregard it in situations where your comfort is clearly at stake.

19. They are rude and inconsiderate to service workers.

How do they treat the hostess if they don’t have the table you want, or waiter if your drinks are a few minutes late? How do they treat the bank teller if they are having a bad day? How do they treat the door greeter or the taxi driver? Narcissism sucks and they will eventually treat you the same way.

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20. They become angry when discussing their mistakes.

It’s not alright when they become angry about discussing anything they don’t like, don’t agree with, or don’t want to talk about. Your partner shouldn’t lose their handle and try to suppress your communication at times when they know they are wrong. Their inability to talk about things that annoy them or strike a nerve is going to cause communication obstacles in your relationship further down the road.

21. When they make a negative comment about everything.

If they are making a negative comment about everything, early into a relationship, those negative comments will eventually shift to you and they will be dissatisfied with everything you do as well.

22. The way they flirt with you when they had a partner.

I mean, if they left their partner for you, they will most certainly do that to you too. The amount of guys that try to talk to exes for a second chance, when they have a partner, really surprises me. If they are willing to be sneaky with you while in a relationship, how will they act when they are with you next?

23. All of their friends are of the opposite sex.

This is a key when it comes to girls especially. This is a textbook red flag that has been told time and time again. If most of her friends are guys, she probably loves the attention from males and is an attention whore. The worst part about this is most of these guys secretly have a crush on her or want to get in her pants, so they hate you as a result. She may not see any of their intentions, either out of pure ignorance or she’s lying. She also may cause too much drama with female friends, which causes them to not want to be with her.

24. They don’t show interest in what is important to you.

This is such a basic stepping stone; however, so many relationships move forward even when they don’t value what is important to each other. This will just lead to problems in the long run.

25. They don’t pay compliments or thanks.

If you regularly do favors for your partner, your partner gets used to them and your favors start to become expectations. They also don’t see what you do for them, so you’re unappreciated and shouldn’t put up with this. Someone else will appreciate what you do for them.

26. They preach that they are independent.

It’s a common thread for people who continuously call themselves independent to be selfish.

27. They have a history of drinking too much.

Binge drinking is a red flag for more things that just a relationship. It often masks other problems. Have you had to carry her home, while she drunkenly yells at you until she finally falls asleep? Regular excessive drinking will not help your relationship, and a past of it is not a good sign.

28. They are extremely moody.

One minute they are pissed off at you for making a minor mistake, and the next minute they want to take cute photos and post them to Facebook.

29. They hold double standards.

If they don’t want to be treated the way they treat you, perhaps it’s time for a wake-up call.

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30. They Facebook stalk too much.

If they are still stalking their exes on a weekly basis, you have a special one on your hands. You need someone who is more secure with the idea of being with you, and is not living in the ashes of their past.

31. They are obsessed with fairy tale endings.

It comes to the point where they just expect too much from you and it’s too much to handle. You get what you give in a relationship, but some want the world just because of the fantasies they’ve fallen in love with.

32. They don’t care about things that don’t directly affect them.

If they don’t care about things that went on in your day, or the things you care about, you’re dealing with a selfish partner.

33. How they act when they are drunk.

Being drunk removes inhibition. If a person is friendly to others, but rude when drunk, they hold a wall of inhibition to hide that side of them and pretend to be friendly when sober. How your partner acts when they’ve drunk too much will tell you who they are, regardless of what they try to tell you.

34. They like to head play games when they are upset.

Are your relationship fights like you’re in an episode of Gossip Girl? Are you always the first one to initiate conversation when there is a fight? Do they like to ignore you and put minimal effort into resolving conflict? Ignoring phone calls, text messages, or even flat out ignoring you when you talk to them in person, are immature ways to handle conflicts and will result in communication problems down the line.

35. They like the drama of fighting.

Every once in awhile, you’ll come across a girl who likes the drama because it adds excitement to her life. This is a bit more uncommon with guys. Sometimes it may seem like they push something minor into a fight, just because they want to. You don’t need this stress in your life. You don’t have time for it.

36. They cannot respect themselves, you, or your relationship.

Respect is key in a relationship. If your partner cannot respect both of you, or your relationship, you may have a piece of work on your hands.

37. Their relationship history is rocky.

Dating someone with no relationship history is just as risky as dating someone with a patchy relationship history. If your partner has had a large number of relationships, it wouldn’t be unreasonable of you to start guessing where yours will fit into the mix.

38. They project their traits onto you and don’t see it.

Projection is a killer in relationships. If your partner is being sneaky, they will likely accuse you of being sneaky. If your partner is selfish, they will likely accuse you of being selfish. Whether or not they can see it and admit it, is key to moving forward.

39. Their family doesn’t think it will last.

If their family calls you crazy early on for trying, or doesn’t think you’re the one, you’re just wasting your time.

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40. You are constantly a victim of verbal abuse.

How many times have you been called an idiot or an a**hole? Have you spoke to your partner the same way or is it just a one-way street of verbal abuse? It doesn’t matter if they love you and 6 days of the week are good, this will only get worse.

41. They religiously delete texts.

Deleted texts usually come with other red flags. Does your partner also project that you are being sneaky? Do they have suspicious friendships with people of opposite sex? Do they fly off the handle when you ask questions about them?

42. They are a completely new person after the honeymoon phase.

Everyone is a little overly soft in the first month or few weeks of dating. Once you get through that, you start to see the real person. How much they change will set the course for what they’ll be like in the future.

43. They said “I always get what I want.”

It might seem hot when they use it as a pick up line, but 3 months down the line, you’ll understand that they were serious and they are very demanding and expect a lot from you.

44. They are sneaky on Snapchat.

Snapchat is a neat app. It tells you their best friends and deletes everything sent and recieved after it is viewed. It’s easy to forget that it received its popularity from how scandalous it was when the news covered it.

45. They tell little lies.

If they tell little lies about mundane things, they certainly tell lies about bigger things. Don’t overlook this.

46. They are nervous about texts or calls they receive.

Do they always place their phone face down? A quick Google search about why people place their phones face down brings up nothing but suspicion and shadiness.

47. They grew up with an unstable family life.

It can be quite intimidating knowing their role models in their younger years were not the best examples of a healthy relationship. The apple will not fall far from the tree.

48. They constantly scream and yell when angry.

We all great angry but most of us have ways of coping with it. When people repeat the same sentence, but in a louder voice, they are likely about to get violent with you.

49. They have an excuse for everything.

Cheating is never okay under any circumstance. Lying is never okay under any circumstance. Don’t let your partner use excuses to cover these or other mistake they’ve made.

50. They thought World War II took place in the 70s.

Come on, you can’t fix this kind of stupid. It’s time to move on.

Featured photo credit: Elizabeth Ashley Jerman via flickr.com

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Last Updated on August 6, 2020

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

We’ve all done it. That moment when a series of words slithers from your mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak! It doesn’t have to be like this, and with a bit of practice, it’s actually quite easy to prevent.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill

Are we speaking the same language?

My mum recently left me a note thanking me for looking after her dog. She’d signed it with “LOL.” In my world, this means “laugh out loud,” and in her world it means “lots of love.” My kids tell me things are “sick” when they’re good, and ”manck” when they’re bad (when I say “bad,” I don’t mean good!). It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all.

When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. These colloquialisms become normal, and we expect the listener (or reader) to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

Am I being lazy?

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

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Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate what I mean:

Early in the relationship:

“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

When the relationship is established:

“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

Have I actually got anything to say?

When I was a kid, my gran used to say to me that if I didn’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. My gran couldn’t stand gossip, so this makes total sense, but you can take this statement a little further and modify it: “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people.

When somebody else is speaking, listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

Am I painting an accurate picture?

One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you pass me that?” and “Pass me that thing over there!”. How often have you said something similar?

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How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the salt,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

Before you speak, try to label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

What words am I using?

It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education, our thoughts and our feelings.

Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

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Is the map really the territory?

Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation.

A while ago, John promised to help me out in a big way with a project that I was working on. After an initial meeting and some big promises, we put together a plan and set off on its execution. A week or so went by, and I tried to get a hold of John to see how things were going. After voice mails and emails with no reply and general silence, I tried again a week later and still got no response.

I was frustrated and started to get more than a bit vexed. The project obviously meant more to me than it did to him, and I started to construct all manner of crazy scenarios. I finally got through to John and immediately started a mild rant about making promises you can’t keep. He stopped me in my tracks with the news that his brother had died. If I’d have just thought before I spoke…

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