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15 Signs You Are In a Relationship With a Narcissist (And What to Do)

15 Signs You Are In a Relationship With a Narcissist (And What to Do)

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is not a pleasant experience. The negative impact ripples out to all areas of your life – from your ability to focus at work all the way through to affecting your emotional and physical health.

The difficult part is knowing whether your partner really is a narcissist (or are they just overly confident); and the even trickier part – if you know they are a narcissist, what can you do about it?

In this article, we go through the signs (also known as red flags) to indicate you are more than likely in a relationship with a narcissist, and what you can do if you are in this situation.

Signs of a Narcissistic Partner

If your partner exhibits 5 or more of these signs, there is a very high chance you are in a relationship with a narcissist (otherwise known as someone with a narcissistic personality type); or in extreme cases where you are experiencing a relationship with someone that shows all of these signs, they will likely have what’s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder or “NPD”.

1. Everything Is about Them

Ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is “all about me“? Someone who only listens to him or herself? One thing that will be noticeable is that every conversation will be hijacked and redirected back to them.

Narcissists have a constant need for attention, and if this need is not met, you can expect irritation and resentment. Being in a relationship with a narcissist means that not only every conversation is about them, but every decision, opinion, thought, goal, choice (e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.) is about them.

Part of this all-about-me-syndrome is a sense of entitlement. In relationships, this can come across as “my way or the highway” where your thoughts, feelings and opinions really aren’t valid. The narcissist with NPD truly believes the world revolves around them and that they are entitled to have constant, excessive attention and admiration; and to have everything the way they want it.

2. They Are so Charming… At First

Early in the relationship, you will experience the highest highs you have ever experienced when dating someone. You will be spoilt, pampered, showered with affection and flattery. You will feel like the most special person on the planet, and think to yourself “how did I get so lucky?” and “is this person real?”. Narcissists are highly skilled at turning on the charm to get what they want.

Research by Michael Dufner and others found that narcissists are considered to be appealing short-term romantic or sexual partners. They found that the mate appeal of narcissists stems from their physical attractiveness and their social boldness – displays of characteristics such as confidence, charm and charisma.[1]

However, with anyone putting on a show, there is only so long you can sustain this act before your true colours start to shine through. And the narcissist’s act is no exception.

3. Split Personalities

The charm and appeal experienced at the start of a relationship with a narcissist doesn’t last forever. It may take days, weeks, months or in some cases up to a year. The switch from the charming person you fell so hard for, to someone you feel like you barely know can feel like the wind has been knocked out of your sails.

One minute you feel like you are gliding along the water with the sun beaming on your face, the next you feel like you are in the middle of a ferocious, scary storm.

If you have experienced the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde switch, where one minute you feel as though you’ve found ‘the one’; and then the next minute wonder who this nasty person is in front of you – you are experiencing the “splitting” personality of the narcissist.

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Andrea Schneider, Narcissism Topic Expert explains that the cracks will usually start to show slowly:[2]

“The person with narcissism often may begin—subtly, insidiously, and covertly—to devalue his or her significant other. This may happen via putdowns, gaslighting, intermittently lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, seductive withholding, inexplicably disappearing from contact, or blaming the target for the narcissistic person’s issues (projection).”

Some narcissists will continue to ‘reward’ their partner with affection (on their terms) or gifts while at the same time devaluing them. This can be a very confusing time for the person on the receiving end.

4. Lack of Boundaries

People with narcissistic tendencies show deliberate disregard for other people’s boundaries. They regularly overstep the mark and use others without a second thought for the affect they may have on them.

The narcissist shows disregard for other people’s boundaries in many different ways including regularly breaking promises or obligations, borrowing items or money without returning them (and with no intent to ever return or repay), and showing little remorse and blaming the other person when they have overstepped the mark.

5. You Are Isolated

Isolation is one of the more common ways a narcissist can gain control in a relationship. This control feeds their need to have everything their way, and to have their partner become fully dependent on them.

Some of the ways a narcissist can isolate you are: cutting you off from friends and family; controlling use of and monitoring social media and phone calls; controlling the use of vehicles; pulling you away from hobbies; and even in some cases, disengaging you from the workforce, therefore having full financial control.

Narcissists will use manipulative comments like “Why do you bother spending your time and effort on her when you don’t even like her?”; or “I paid for this car, so of course I get to say when you can use it”; or “I thought you loved me? Why are you spending so many hours at work?”.

Over time hearing continual put-downs, doubts, and jealous comments leads to giving up all of the things that give you your own identity. You become a diminished version of yourself that you don’t even recognize anymore. Someone the narcissist has moulded to suit their own lifestyle and needs.

6. Disregard for Your Feelings

An important part of any relationship is the need to be understood, and to be able to freely express your feelings, desires, aspirations and needs with your partner.

Because of the narcissist’s need to be wanted, they may come across as caring and that they truly want what’s best for you; but the harsh reality is that beneath it all, they are actually more concerned about “what’s in it for me”.

The narcissist will make decisions based on what will benefit them, not what will benefit (or affect) their relationship. They simply don’t have the capacity to take on board your feelings, because they are too concerned about their own.

7. Delusions of Grandeur

People with NPD believe they are superior to everyone and anyone else, and this delusion of grandeur is the primary reason they are unable to experience love. They do not view others to be in any way equal to them, and they genuinely believe that they are superior in virtually all respects.

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8. They Are Short-fused

As I already mentioned, the narcissist believes everything is about them, and that their way is the only way. When things don’t go their way or when they aren’t getting all the attention, or when someone disagrees with them, this can be like entering a lion’s den. They have trouble regulating emotions and behaviour, handling criticism and can feel hurt very easily.

Narcissists can also become impatient or angry when they don’t receive the “VIP treatment” they believe they rightfully deserve.

9. Inability to Let You In

Underneath the wall that the narcissist has built to keep themselves above others, there is an underlying current of insecurity, fear, anxiety and shame. Because of their need to feel superior, they will not let this wall down.

To let others in and to be truly vulnerable would be too risky, so they portray a very high level of self-esteem and false bravado and keep people at arm’s length. In intimate relationships, this can be a detrimental game of cat and mouse, with the narcissist continuously baiting for attention, then pushing away when you get too close.

10. They Avoid Total Responsibility

In a relationship with a narcissist, you will notice they are very quick to take responsibility – when something has gone right. The credit, praise, positive and good feeds the narcissist’s ego.

One thing you will never see or hear is a narcissist taking responsibility when something has gone wrong. In these circumstances, they will blame, deflect, avoid and deny, truly believing it had nothing to do with them, and act hurt that someone could imply it was their fault to begin with.

11. The Green Eyed Monster

People with narcissistic personalities typically obsess over power, status, beauty, success, class and status. They exhibit jealousy towards people who have what they want. On the flip side, narcissists may also accuse others of being envious of them, including their own partner.

The critical point in this, is that how the narcissist presents on the surface is entirely different from how the narcissist feels deep down inside. There are two selves at work with the narcissist: their authentic self (the one experiencing jealousy), and the fraudulent, fantasy self they try to sell to the public (the egotistical self accusing others of being jealous of them).

12. They Are Manipulation Experts

Although I have already covered some of the ways a narcissistic partner can manipulate you, it is worth delving into their manipulation techniques a little deeper.

Most people can identify when someone is trying to manipulate them, and avoid them completely; but the narcissist has a very stealth, underhanded way of manipulating those around them, especially their partner.

Here are two common narcissistic manipulation tactics:

  • Belittling – Whether in the comfort of your own home or out in public, the narcissist won’t have any issues with putting you down. They will cover up their put-downs with phrases like “can’t you take a joke?” or “come on, we were all thinking it”
  • Playing the victim – Think of this scenario, you are trying to explain how much you hate it when they argue with you, and the narcissist turns around and says “See? You’re always trying to start an argument with me”. Which leaves you baffled, because that’s the exact topic you are trying to raise with them. The narcissist will always turn things around to make themselves out to be the victim.

13. Crazy-making

Also known as “gaslighting”, is a slow, calculated process to have you believing that you are crazy, and that you can’t trust your own judgement. It is the height of deception and a means of control.

Gaslighting starts with the narcissist planting seeds of doubt. You may notice something your partner is doing or saying that doesn’t seem to add up, but when you mention it, you are made to feel like it’s the most absurd thing you have ever said. You start to doubt yourself.

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Then the next time, you actually DO catch them out with a lie. Again, you are confronted in such a way that they have you convinced you somehow got it wrong. They will deny things they have said. They will change the story to confuse you. They will project their behaviour on to you. And they may even form alliances to reinforce ‘just how crazy you are’.

14. No Grey Area

The narcissist sees the world in black and white. There is no grey area. This is part of their personality splitting mentioned previously, and includes two very strict categories – winners or losers.

According to Seth Meyers Psy.D.:[3]

“There is no possible outcome they can conceive of in which everyone gets their needs met. There isn’t enough attention and praise for everyone to go around, so according to narcissistic logic, only a few lucky ones will be selected.”

He goes on to explain that if the narcissist sees any threat to their ego, they will get in first to seek and destroy, and ultimately win. They will do whatever it takes to ensure they don’t feel weak, unnoticed, defective or defeated. Even if it means verbally or emotionally destroying their ‘opponent’ (yes, this includes their partner).

15. Pull And Push

The narcissistic partner will pull you into their world. They will take all of your love, money and respect, drawing you into their world like a tornado. But just as easily, they will spit you out. Once you are of no use to a narcissist, they will discard you like you never existed; as long as it is on their terms.

If you try to end the relationship before they have finished with you, the force of the tornado pulling you back in will be the strongest it has ever been, as the narcissist pulls out every trick in the book to get you back.

What Should You Do If Your Partner Is a Narcissist?

I’m not going to sugar-coat things here, speaking from personal experience leaving a narcissistic relationship is no easy feat. But for me, the reward on the other side was worth the initial discomfort.

According to Psychology Today author Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., one of the main reasons it’s so hard to leave a relationship with a narcissist is because “you have become ‘Trauma Bonded’ to this person”.[4] Because of the initial showering of love, and feeling like all of your dreams have come true then the slow process of isolation, manipulation, crazy-making, control, loss of self, and confusion sprinkled with reward and a dash of intimacy; you are now addicted and bonded emotionally, physically and more importantly mentally to your narcissistic partner.

So what on earth can you do when you are Trauma Bonded to another person?

1. Educate Yourself

The first step is to educate yourself on what narcissism is, and how it works. The more you understand your partner’s condition, the more you will understand their behaviour.

This isn’t to say you can excuse or dismiss the behavior, but that you can get a greater insight into why they do what they do, and say what they say.

Researching online is a great place to start.

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2. Make a Choice

Once you know everything there is to know about narcissism, you have a choice — either stay and put up with the behaviour, and / or try to convince your partner to seek help; or leave.

And if you choose to stay, you now know exactly what to expect from your partner, and what they aren’t able to give you if they don’t seek help.

And if you leave, you will need to ensure you are prepared for what comes next.

3. Be Prepared

Whichever way you decide, you will need to be prepared. Educating yourself is not enough to keep you safe if you decide to stay in a relationship with a true narcissist. You will need to go above and beyond to ensure you are protecting yourself emotionally, physically, financially and mentally.

And if you decide to leave, you will need to be prepared for the tornado force that is the narcissist trying to pull you back in. One of the best ways to do this is to leave quickly and cut all contact. This may be easier said than done if you have children or assets with the narcissist, however there are qualified professionals that can get involved in these circumstances.

Another way to prepare yourself is to make a list of all the reasons you want to leave — this will be an important reminder when the tornado is in full force. Also, because of the trauma bonding, there will be a grief process to go through. Ensuring you have plenty of support throughout this process is integral.

You can learn more about how to deal with a narcissist in this guide:

Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

Final Thoughts

Healthy, fulfilling relationships are formed when both partners can feel safe to express who they really are, and be all of themselves without judgement or criticism.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is the opposite of this experience, and unless your partner is open to the idea and has the financial means to seek professional help, the reality is they probably won’t change.

You do have a choice though. And whichever way you choose, take care of yourself first.

More Resources about Relationships

Featured photo credit: Parker Whitson via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Amy Milnes

A relationship coach empowering people to create and maintain loving and lasting relationships.

How to Know If You Have an Emotionally Unavailable Partner 7 Secrets of a Happy Marriage Revealed by a Relationship Expert When to Talk About Marriage If You Want to Take it to the Next Level 15 Signs You Are In a Relationship With a Narcissist (And What to Do)

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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