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5 Reasons Why It Is Okay Not To Be Nice

5 Reasons Why It Is Okay Not To Be Nice

In a society where “do unto others what you would have them do unto you” is drilled into us from a very young age it is no wonder that not being nice often doesn’t come naturally to most of us. Many of us go through life as if we are walking on eggshells; but sometimes it is necessary to tread on the shells even if it leaves a nasty mess behind. Let’s consider 5 reasons that justify not being nice.

1. It is ok not to be nice in the name of self-preservation.

If you are protecting yourself from harm and making sure that your sense of being stays intact, then it is definitely ok not to be nice. If you are a person who can only embark on a relationship that you know is going to be deep, then be true to this part of yourself. If you feel, for example, that someone is being frivolous and not taking your relationship with them seriously, then I say go ahead and be as mean as you like. People should learn to value who you are and what you hold dear.

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2. Being genuine is a must even if this requires you to be mean.

If you are standing up for what you believe in and ideals that you hold close, as far as I am concerned, there is a green light saying do what needs to be done. If you are say a passionate supporter of animal rights, then being genuine to this cause is a must and if this means being harsh or unforgiving to those who harm animals then do so. Often when we are genuine, people respect us more. So even if you have to tread on a few toes in the process, the end result may be worth it. It may be advisable to be mean, if you end up having people respect you and your values in the end.

3. Self-defense is definitely not always nice; but often necessary.

It is not just ok, but I would go as far as saying it is imperative to not be nice when someone is attacking you. Be it physically or emotionally, one should not give in to an attacker. Say someone is screaming at you in a parking lot, telling you that you stole his parking space, this is an example of a form of abuse. You must muster up your strength and be nasty. It is not always nice to admit but the world is filled with people who wish to do harm and in the name of self-defense it is always ok not to be nice.

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4. Being assertive means declaring your needs even if this is not the nice thing to do.

Life can be a struggle between our needs and the needs of others. Often it is about finding a balance between giving and taking. But what if we always find ourselves on the giving end of things. You may, for example, find it hard to tell your boyfriend that you need him to support your decision to take time apart so you can travel abroad. Sometimes it is necessary to do some taking, even if this means you may offend. It may not be essential to have all of your needs fulfilled but ensuring that you have a fair share of needs ticked off your list is a must. You should feel satisfied and you cannot do so if you are left feeling deprived.

5. Conflict is sometimes necessary and often demands an unkind persona.

Sometimes conflict is necessary. You may be having an argument with your colleague about the project that he or she took that was meant to be assigned to you. Shying away from this kind of confrontation scenario to keep up appearances is often the easy option. Putting your foot down and saying this is my project, this is where I draw the line, may be unpleasant for those of us who have had the ‘be nice’ mantra drilled into us, but being a pushover should not be an option. Don’t feel skirmish if a conflict situation arises, stand up and do what is needed.

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Although it may go against our instincts and intuition not being nice is often imperative if we are to maintain a healthy sense of who we are and what we believe in. We have seen 5 reasons why being mean is often necessary and there are sure to be many other reasons out there. So next time you find yourself holding back in order to be nice take a second to question your motives. Consider: Are you doing so out of habit? And Is being nice the right reaction here? You may find yourself answering: The time has come to be a bit mean.

Featured photo credit: Psychologies via psychologies.co.uk

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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