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5 Reasons Why It Is Okay Not To Be Nice

5 Reasons Why It Is Okay Not To Be Nice

In a society where “do unto others what you would have them do unto you” is drilled into us from a very young age it is no wonder that not being nice often doesn’t come naturally to most of us. Many of us go through life as if we are walking on eggshells; but sometimes it is necessary to tread on the shells even if it leaves a nasty mess behind. Let’s consider 5 reasons that justify not being nice.

1. It is ok not to be nice in the name of self-preservation.

If you are protecting yourself from harm and making sure that your sense of being stays intact, then it is definitely ok not to be nice. If you are a person who can only embark on a relationship that you know is going to be deep, then be true to this part of yourself. If you feel, for example, that someone is being frivolous and not taking your relationship with them seriously, then I say go ahead and be as mean as you like. People should learn to value who you are and what you hold dear.

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2. Being genuine is a must even if this requires you to be mean.

If you are standing up for what you believe in and ideals that you hold close, as far as I am concerned, there is a green light saying do what needs to be done. If you are say a passionate supporter of animal rights, then being genuine to this cause is a must and if this means being harsh or unforgiving to those who harm animals then do so. Often when we are genuine, people respect us more. So even if you have to tread on a few toes in the process, the end result may be worth it. It may be advisable to be mean, if you end up having people respect you and your values in the end.

3. Self-defense is definitely not always nice; but often necessary.

It is not just ok, but I would go as far as saying it is imperative to not be nice when someone is attacking you. Be it physically or emotionally, one should not give in to an attacker. Say someone is screaming at you in a parking lot, telling you that you stole his parking space, this is an example of a form of abuse. You must muster up your strength and be nasty. It is not always nice to admit but the world is filled with people who wish to do harm and in the name of self-defense it is always ok not to be nice.

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4. Being assertive means declaring your needs even if this is not the nice thing to do.

Life can be a struggle between our needs and the needs of others. Often it is about finding a balance between giving and taking. But what if we always find ourselves on the giving end of things. You may, for example, find it hard to tell your boyfriend that you need him to support your decision to take time apart so you can travel abroad. Sometimes it is necessary to do some taking, even if this means you may offend. It may not be essential to have all of your needs fulfilled but ensuring that you have a fair share of needs ticked off your list is a must. You should feel satisfied and you cannot do so if you are left feeling deprived.

5. Conflict is sometimes necessary and often demands an unkind persona.

Sometimes conflict is necessary. You may be having an argument with your colleague about the project that he or she took that was meant to be assigned to you. Shying away from this kind of confrontation scenario to keep up appearances is often the easy option. Putting your foot down and saying this is my project, this is where I draw the line, may be unpleasant for those of us who have had the ‘be nice’ mantra drilled into us, but being a pushover should not be an option. Don’t feel skirmish if a conflict situation arises, stand up and do what is needed.

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Although it may go against our instincts and intuition not being nice is often imperative if we are to maintain a healthy sense of who we are and what we believe in. We have seen 5 reasons why being mean is often necessary and there are sure to be many other reasons out there. So next time you find yourself holding back in order to be nice take a second to question your motives. Consider: Are you doing so out of habit? And Is being nice the right reaction here? You may find yourself answering: The time has come to be a bit mean.

Featured photo credit: Psychologies via psychologies.co.uk

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Rebecca Beris

Rebecca is a wellness and lifestyle writer at Lifehack.

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

More Tips on Dealing With Fake People

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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