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Last Updated on November 30, 2018

How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs That Hold You Back from Success

How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs That Hold You Back from Success

Beliefs are like road signs that point you in the right direction. Without beliefs to guide, it would be impossible to know how to act.

But there’s a catch.

The right direction is always the one that supports the belief. Personal beliefs are chronic self-fulfilling prophecies. This is a good thing when your beliefs are positive, as you’re likely to create a positive upward spiral that lifts you toward success.

However, you need to learn how to overcome limiting beliefs when they are negative because they’ll drag you down.

How Limiting Beliefs Hold You Back from Success and Happiness

Most of the time, we’re unaware of limiting beliefs. It’s like driving down roads with invisible signs that you’re compelled to follow.

If you don’t know how to overcome limiting beliefs, you’ll find yourself suddenly hitting the brakes, yielding when you shouldn’t, or turning down obscure roads that lead nowhere.

It’s frustrating to spend time and effort trying to get somewhere, only to end up further from the goal. At the end of such a day, you’re likely to conclude that you are:

  • Undeserving
  • Weak-willed
  • Worthless
  • Incompetent
  • A failure

These conclusions are limiting beliefs, but are they the only ones to deal with?

The above list and similar conclusions are destinations, not directives. It will also be helpful to find the unconscious road signs that guide you toward your destination throughout the day. I call these directive beliefs.

Two Kinds of Limiting Beliefs

So we have two kinds of limiting beliefs, destination beliefs and directive beliefs.

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Destination beliefs are conclusions. Directive beliefs are the road signs that guide you toward the destination.

Imagine that you have a destination belief that you are an outcast. You believe that you don’t fit in. Your destination is lonely place in which you feel disconnected or “on the outside, looking in.”

Directive beliefs are the road signs that get you to the outcast destination. As you go through your day, directive beliefs will tell you what to do and what to avoid.

You walk into the office and could say hello to a colleague, but a directive pops up and says, “No, he’s busy. He doesn’t want to talk to you! Just go to your desk.”

Seeing a few colleagues gathered around the water cooler, you think of joining in but the directive comes, “No way! You’re not part of that group. Just walk by like you don’t care.”

At lunch, someone smiles at you. You could start a friendly conversation. Then you hear that inner voice, “No, no. You’ll make a fool of yourself. Avoid eye contact!”

At home, your partner wants to know how your day went. You could tell the truth, but a directive interferes, “Just say it was fine. No one cares anyway.”

And then you sink into a lonely despair. I just don’t belong anywhere or to anyone. No one understands me. I’m a true outcast. You’ve arrived at your destination.

What You Must Know About Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

Now, for the nearly unfathomable concept that will teach you how to overcome limiting beliefs naturally.

To the unconscious mind, familiar destinations are the right places to be.

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Consciously, the person in our example above may hate feeling lonely.

Unconsciously, loneliness is the right destination. To the unconscious mind, loneliness is desirable. It may not feel good, but it does feel familiar and often strangely appropriate. If we pay close attention, we may even feel a subtle satisfaction upon landing in the familiar rut.

People consistently choose the familiar over other options. I often say that:

We would choose a familiar misery over a foreign happiness every time.

Familiarity is safe.

Deep down, we prefer to stick with the devil we know rather than venture out and risk encountering the devil that could be our total undoing.

Attachment to the familiar – whether positive or negative – could be a function of the amygdala, which controls fear and pleasure.[1]

Familiarity is safe (pleasurable) to the amygdala because it’s only concerned with immediate survival. Deep inside your limbic system, if you know you can survive a familiar problem, that might look like a better option than venturing down unfamiliar roads (not safe).

Recap: Familiar destinations, even unhappy ones, are the right destinations to the unconscious mind.

Get Your Conscious Mind Around It

To some part of you, arriving at a miserable yet familiar place is a good thing.

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You may consciously complain and resist and want to bang your head against the wall, but that doesn’t change anything, does it? You’ll still be driven toward the unconsciously desirable destination, finding yourself doing the exact opposite of what might make you happy.

Happiness is not the real goal in this case! This is self-sabotage; a supremely frustrating attachment to familiar negativity.[2]

Overcome Limiting Beliefs by Owning Them

Knowing how to overcome limiting beliefs so you can move forward with your life is all about accepting things about yourself that you’ve resisted for a lifetime. This is why limiting beliefs are so pervasive and long-lasting. Very few of us want to do that.

To make matters worse, overcoming limiting beliefs involves accepting that not only do we hold limiting beliefs, but that those beliefs involve a preference for the very thing we fear the most – failure.

It helps tremendously to realize that the conscious you doesn’t hold these beliefs, but an unconscious part of you does.

Which one of the following is easier to grasp?

  • I am driven toward failure.
  • A part of me is driven toward failure.

When you accept that part of you is holding onto limiting beliefs that guide you toward failure, you’re finally in a position to do something about it.

What to Do Every Day to Crush Limiting Beliefs

As odd as this might sound, you need to acknowledge your unconscious drive. By doing so, something magical happens. The unconscious belief becomes conscious, in the realm of conscious choice.

If you don’t make the belief conscious, it will continue to guide you on autopilot. The best option is to bring it to the surface where you can exercise more control.

3 Steps to Take

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  1. At the start of the day, acknowledge that a part of you will be actively seeking that familiar, miserable destination you’ve been arriving at for so many years.
  2. Determine to watch for the directive beliefs that will attempt to guide you there.
  3. When you run into a directive belief, acknowledge and challenge it.

Here’s what that could look like:

You could say good morning to a co-worker but a directive belief pops up and says, “No, he’s busy. Go to your desk.”

Immediately, you acknowledge that this directive wants to take you to that familiar destination, feeling like an outcast. You marvel, a part of me wants to feel like an outcast!

At that point, you have a choice. You can disobey this particular road sign and say hello to your coworker. If you don’t manage to do that. Then you can still remain conscious of the directive and destination beliefs by saying to yourself:

Part of me wants to feel like an outcast and just directed me to avoid saying hello and I obeyed this part of me.

Final Thoughts

Every single time you go through this simple process, you will get stronger. Don’t worry about whether you obey or disobey the directives. What matters more is that you’re raising consciousness and becoming aware of deeper drives within your psyche.[3]

You can’t make conscious choices about that which lies outside conscious awareness. Becoming conscious is the first and most important step.

Before long, the destinations you consciously want to arrive at, with the appropriate directives, will settle into place. You’ll realize that at some point in your life, you didn’t have a choice about ending up in an unhappy place. You couldn’t help but get used to that destination and even believe it was right for you.

Yet, in the light of adult conscious awareness, all this will change. Every time you recognize a directive toward unhappiness, you’ll be able to question it. The results will surprise you.

More Resources About Staying Positive and Motivated

Featured photo credit: Jake Melara via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Mike Bundrant

Co-Founder @inlpcenter, which offers NLP training and life coach certification to students in over 70 countries.

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Last Updated on August 20, 2019

26 Useful Things to Learn Now That Will Change Your Life

26 Useful Things to Learn Now That Will Change Your Life

If you pay attention to your everyday life careful enough, you’ll know that you can learn from everything and everyone you come across. Our life is basically full of useful lessons that we should learn.

Here are 26 useful things to learn that Abhishek A. Singh shared on Quora. Let’s see how these life theories would lead you to live a different life.

1. Primacy and recency: People mostly remember the first and last things that occurred, barely the middle.

When scheduling an interview, ask the employer the time slots they do interviews and try to be the first or the last.

2. If you work in a bar or in customer service of any kind, put a mirror behind you at the counter.

In this way, angry customers who approach you will have to see themselves in the mirror behind you and the chance of them behaving irrationally will be lowered significantly.

3. Once you make a sales pitch, don’t say anything else.

This works in sales, but it can also be applied in other ways.

My previous boss was training me and just gave me pointers. I was working at a gym trying to sell memberships. He told me that once I got all the small talk out of the way and presented the prices, the first person to talk would lose.

It didn’t seem like a big deal but it actually worked. Often there were long periods of awkward silence as the person tried to come up with some excuses, but usually they bought.

4. If you ask someone a question and they only partially answer, just wait.

If you stay silent and keep eye contact, they will usually continue to talk.

5. Chew gum when you’re approaching a situation that would make you nervous, like public speaking or bungee jumping.

When we eat, our brain tell ourselves, “I would not be eating if I were danger. So I’m not in danger.” This has helped me to stay calm.

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6. People will always remember how you made them feel, not what you said.

Also, most people like talking about themselves; so ask lots of questions about them.

7. When you’re learning something new, teach it to a friend. Let them ask you questions about it.

If you’re able to teach something well, you will be sure that you’ve understood it very well.

8. If you get yourself to be really happy and excited to see other people, they will react the same to you.

It doesn’t always happen the first time, but it will definitely happen the next time.

9. The physical effects of stress — breathing rate and heart rate — are almost identical to the physical effects of courage.

When you’re feeling stressed in any situations, immediately reframe it : Your body is getting ready to be courageous, you are NOT stressed.

10. Pay attention to people’s feet.

If you approach two people in the middle of a conversation, and they only turn their torsos and not their feet, they don’t want you to join in the conversation.

Similarly, if you are in a conversation with a coworker who you think is paying attention to you and their torso is turned towards you but their feet are facing in another direction, they want the conversation to end.

11. Confidence is more important than knowledge.

Don’t be intimidated by anyone, everyone is playing a role and wearing a mask.

12. If you pretend to be something for long enough, you will eventually become it.

Fake it till you make it. Period.

13. Not to be creepy, but if you want to stare at someone unashamedly, look directly past them and wait for them to try and meet your eyes.

When they fail to do that, they’ll look around (usually nervously for a second) they won’t look at you again for some time. This is your chance to straight up stare at this person for at least 45 seconds.

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And as suggested by Brian Stutzman:

If you’re staring at someone and get caught, DON’T turn your head or your body to look away, because that just confirms that you were staring.

Just move your EYEBALLS off the person. Unlike turning your head, it’s instantaneous. And the person will think you were just looking at something behind them and that they were mistaken for thinking you were staring. Do it confidently, and ignore any reaction from the person, and you can sell it every single time.

After a second, you can even look back at them with a “Why are you staring at me?” look on your face to really cement the deal!

14. Build a network.

Become the information source, and let the information be yours. Even grabbing a beer with a former colleague once a year will keep you in the loop at the old office.

Former coworkers might have gotten a new position in that office you always wanted to work in, great! Go to them for a beer, and ask about the office. It’s all about connections and information.

15. If you are angry at the person in front of you driving like a grandmother…

Pretend it is your grandmother, it will significantly reduce your road rage.

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    16. Stand up straight.

    No slouching, hands out of pockets, and head held up high. It’s not just a cliche — you literally feel better and people around you feel more confident in you.

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    17. Avoid saying “I think,” and “I believe” unless absolutely necessary.

    These are phrases that do not evoke confidence, and will literally do you no good.

    18. When feeling anxious, clean up your home or work space.

    You will feel happier and more accomplished than before.

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      19. Always buy the first pitcher or round of drinks.

      You’d be surprised how long you could drink on the phrase “I bought the first one.”

      20. Going into an interview… be interested in your interviewers.

      If you focus on learning about them, you’ll seem to be more interesting and dynamic. (Again, people love to talk about themselves.)

      21. Pay attention parents! Always give your kid a choice that makes them think they are in control.

      For instance, when I want my son to put his shoes on I will say ,”do you want to put your star wars shoes on or your shark shoes on?”

      Pro-tip: In some cases, this works on adults.

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        22. Your action affects your attitude more than your attitude affects your action.

        As my former teacher said “You can jump and dance FOR joy, but you can also jump and dance yourself joyful.”

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        23. When a group of people laugh, people will instinctively look at the person they feel closest to in that group.

        Notice who you look at and who look at you when you laugh with a group of people!

        24. If you want to build rapport or gain someone’s trust quickly, match their body posture and position.

        If someone is sitting with her legs crossed, cross your legs. If they’re leaning away from you, lean away from them. If they’re leaning towards you, lean towards them.

        Mirroring and matching body position is a subconscious way to tell if someone trusts you or is comfortable with you. If you’re sitting with your arms crossed and you notice someone else is sitting with her arms crossed, that is a good indicator that you have/are successfully built/building rapport with that person.

        25. The Benjamin Franklin Effect (suggested by Matt Miller)

        I find the basis of the Benjamin Franklin effect is very useful and extends far beyond pencil borrowing. This knowledge is useful in the world of flirting too.

        Asking a girl in your class if you can borrow a pencil or her notes or to explain the homework will make her more likely to like you than if you let her borrow your stuff or are the one to help her. Even just asking a girl to buy you drinks (facetiously) leaves a much bigger impression than offering to or actually buying a girl a drink.

        The best part is it kills 3 birds with one stone: you get the advantages of the favor itself, the person subconsciously likes you more, and it makes them more open to future favors and conversation.

        26. Handle panic and anxiety behaviors by tapping fingers (Suggested by Jade Barbee)

        When you’re feeling stressed, worried or angry, tap each finger tip while thinking (or speaking quietly) a few specific words about what is bothering you. Repeat the same words while tapping each of your 10 fingers, including thumbs.

        For example, tap while saying, “I’m so angry with her…” Doing so will likely take the charge out of the feeling and return you to a more resourceful (better feeling) state of being. It’s called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or “tapping,” and it is useful in many life situations – emotional sadness, physical pain, food cravings, traumatic memories…

        Featured photo credit: Nicole Wolf via unsplash.com

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