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Why Speaking Your Mind Should Not Be Encouraged

Why Speaking Your Mind Should Not Be Encouraged

Ask any parent what their #1 pet peeve is, and they’ll probably tell you it’s their children whining. From a young age, we are taught not to complain and that whining is bad. However, we are also taught that it is important to “speak your mind,” and not let others quiet your opinion. So where do we define the difference? While we can all likely agree that people who complain are not people we would prefer to spend time with, the average person has been found to complain anywhere from 15-30 times per day.[1]

While at first that number may seem unimaginable, think about how simple it is to complain about something. “I’m hot,” “I’m bored,” “These shoes are so uncomfortable,” are all thoughts we may voice throughout the day simply out of the habit of speaking our minds. While we may not think of it as complaining per se, the aforementioned “thoughts” and things as simple as talking about dislikes regarding a person, place, or thing are all complaints.

We speak our mind to seek validation

For the most part, we whine about something because we are facing a challenge. Maybe your co-worker isn’t pulling his weight on a project, or perhaps a waiter was rude and didn’t provide very good service.

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    When we face a problem or situation in which we are unsatisfied, we want to vent in order to find some kind of solution. By vocally addressing the problem, we think we are on the fast track to remedying the situation.

    Humans are wired to want validation, complaining can do that. As social animals, we as humans need to be accepted and validated in order to live in a group and survive.[2] Sometimes we complain, not to irritate the listener, but rather in an attempt to find validation and have that person agree with us. When you complain about something and find that others share your opinion, you have a sense of relief in knowing others are suffering in the same way, and you all feel the same way about it. It’s the same reason we will often voice the same concern to each friend until we find the person who agrees with us; when we aren’t being validated, we instead feel we are being judged for having the opinion in the first place.

    But no one likes a whiner

    While it may feel good to you to vent about things you dislike or ramble on about a concern that only pertains to you, the people around you aren’t sharing that feeling.

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      Think about your social media timeline, we all have that one friend who uses their status to complain about something. It’s usually personal, familial or subtext-related and has no business on social media. However, if you click on the comments, you’ll find plenty of people saying things like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Let me know how I can help,” and “I know how you feel. I’m here if you need to talk.” Because of the few supporters, that person won’t stop, but you and other like-minded people are likely to hide his or her updates from your feed.

      See, if you insist on “speaking your mind” all the time, you will find yourself in a situation where almost everyone hates you, or at least what you have to say.

      And it has nothing to do with validity. Your complaint could be true and well-worded, but truth isn’t always something people like to be faced with. So the more you shove it in their faces, the more likely they are to reject it and ultimately reject you. Not surprisingly, this is a snowball effect in which your reputation ultimately gets affected because people see you as a complainer, and not a contributor to change.

      Speak your mind only when you plan to contribute

      Whatever you aren’t satisfied with, it could be a problem. Any problem is the source of an idea, and an idea needs execution.

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        While you could whine about a very real issue all day long, simply talking about it isn’t going to fix it, nor will it inspire others to do anything about it. While your complaint undoubtedly started from recognizing a problem and wanting to improve it, simply thinking of or talking about improving something doesn’t change anything. No matter how loud you yell, talking and doing are different things.

        Here at Lifehack, we want you to be opinionated. We want you to change the world! And yes, we want you to speak your mind. However, you should only talk if you’ve already processed the situation and thought about the actions you want to take. Bite your tongue if you have no idea how to make things better.

        Here’s a cheat sheet:

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        • Do bring up the issue if it’s something you have the ability to improve or even fix. And if you can’t do it on your own, propose solutions or ways to handle it to those who would be willing.
        • Do bring up the issue if you’ve thought about it first.
        • Don’t bring up the issue if it’s something out of your ability to fix – this would be the equivalent of complaining about it. Instead think about who to tell and tell them the ideal results you want to see.
        • Don’t just speak out and complain right away after you spot a problem, because remember, truths are hard to accept (especially the harsh truths).

        At the end of the day, there’s a big difference in recognizing a problem and striving to resolve it, and seeing an issue and complaining about it. Think things through and don’t speak without thinking. Let us know how you plan to start!

        Featured photo credit: Colorbox via colourbox.com

        Reference

        More by this author

        Anna Chui

        Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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        Last Updated on May 17, 2019

        This Is What Happens When You Move Out Of the Comfort Zone

        This Is What Happens When You Move Out Of the Comfort Zone

        The pursuit of worthwhile goals is a part of what makes life enjoyable. Being able to set a goal, then see yourself progress towards achieving that goal is an amazing feeling.

        But do you know the biggest obstacle for most people trying to achieve their goals, the silent dream killer that stops people before they ever even get started? That obstacle is the comfort zone, and getting stuck there is bound to derail any efforts you make towards achieving the goals you’ve set for yourself.

        If you want to achieve those goals, you’ll have to break free from your comfort zone. Let’s take a look at how your life will change once you build up the courage to leave your comfort zone.

        What Is the Comfort Zone?

        The comfort zone is defined as “a behavioural state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance.”

        What stands out to me the most about that definition is the last part: “using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance.” How many successful people do you know who deliver a steady level of performance?

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        The goal in life is to continually challenge yourself, and continually improve yourself. And in order to do that, you have move out of your comfort zone. But once you do, your life will start to change in ways you could never have imagined. I know because it’s happening right now in my own life.

        Here’s what I’ve learned.

        1. You will be scared

        Leaving your comfort zone isn’t easy. In fact, in can be downright terrifying at times, and that’s okay. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little trepidation when you’re embarking on a journey that forces you to try new things.

        So don’t freak out or get overwhelmed when you feel yourself getting a little scared. It’s perfectly normal and all part of the process. What’s important is that you don’t let that fear hold you back. You must continue to take action in the face of fear.

        That’s what separates winners from losers.

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        2. You will fail

        Stepping out of your comfort zone means you’re moving into uncharted territory. You’re trying things that you’ve never tried before, and learning things you’ve never learned before.

        That steep learning curve means you’re not going to get everything right the first time, and you will eventually fail when you move out of your comfort zone. But as long as the failures aren’t catastrophic, it can actually be a good thing to fail because …

        3. You will learn

        Failure is the best teacher. I’ve learned more from each one of my failures than I have from each one of my successes. When you fail small, and fail often, you rapidly increase the rate at which you learn new insights and skills. And that new knowledge, if applied correctly, will eventually lead to your success.

        4. You will see yourself in a different way

        Once you move out of your comfort zone, you immediately prove to yourself that you’re capable of achieving more than you thought was possible. And that will change the way you see yourself.

        Moving forward, you’ll have more confidence in yourself whenever you step out of your comfort zone, and that increased confidence will make it more likely that you continue to step outside your comfort zone. And each time you do, you’ll prove to yourself again and again what you’re really capable of.

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        5. Your peers will see you in a different way

        Whether we want to admit or not, people judge other people. And right now, people view you in a certain way, and they have a certain idea of what you’re capable of. That’s because they’ve become accustomed to seeing you operate in your comfort zone.

        But once you move out of your comfort zone, you’ll prove to other people, as well, that you’re capable of much more than you’ve shown in the past.

        The increased confidence other people place in you will bring about more opportunities than ever before.

        6. Your comfort zone will expand

        The good thing about the comfort zone is that it’s flexible and malleable. With each action you take outside of your comfort zone, it expands. And once you master that new skill or action, it eventually becomes part of your comfort zone.

        This is great news for you because it means that you can constantly increase and improve upon the behaviors that you’re comfortable with. And the more tools and skills you have at your disposal, the easier it will be to achieve your goals.

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        7. You will increase your concentration and focus

        When you’re living inside of your comfort zone, the bulk of your actions are habitual: automatic, subconscious, and requiring limited focus.

        But once you move out of your comfort zone, you no longer rely on those habitual responses. You’re forced to concentrate and focus on the new action in a way you never do in your comfort zone.

        8. You will develop new skills

        Moving out of your comfort zone requires that you develop new skills. One of the many benefits you’ll experience is that you’ll be stepping away from the “limited set of behaviors” and start to develop your ability and expertise in new areas.

        Living inside of your comfort zone only requires a limited skill set, and those skills won’t contribute much to your success. Once you can confidently step outside of your comfort zone and learn a new skill, there’s no limit to how much you can achieve.

        9. You will achieve more than before

        With everything that happens once you move out of your comfort zone, you’re naturally going to achieve more than ever before.

        Your increased concentration and focus will help you develop new skills. Those new skills will change the way you see yourself, encouraging you to step even further out of your comfort zone.

        Featured photo credit: Josef Grunig via farm3.staticflickr.com

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