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How to Negotiate With Your Family Without Hurting the Relationship at All

How to Negotiate With Your Family Without Hurting the Relationship at All

There is no such thing as a perfect family. Every family has issues, but we can have healthy family relationships if we know how to best communicate. When dealing with tough family issues, it is always better to have a softer, kinder approach than one that is abrasive. Family members will be alienated when they are broached with a topic of concern and the approach is harsh.

Destruction within family relationships is typically done with words, so family members must be careful with what is said and also how it is said to fellow family members.

When dealing with touchy family subjects it is always better to think about the long term relationship. If someone approaches a family member with harshness, bitterness, meanness, or anger, the other party will retreat, and there will more than likely be damage to the relationship. However, if family members use a softer approach that is done in love, then the long term relationship will be improved rather than hindered. If families want healthy dynamics, then when discussions on difficult topics within family happen, words need to be chosen carefully, and the approach even more cautiously, because what is said and how it is said can have long lasting effects on family relationships.

Even small issues can have devastating results on the family if the issue is not appropriately negotiated and communicated.

For example, imagine if you have to move in with your spouse’s parents for a short term because your spouse had a job change. Your in-laws typed up a list of house rules and responsibilities that you feel is far too strict and unrealistic to implement especially since you have three young children. You want to contribute to the household duties and follow their rules, but also realize you have lots of other responsibilities on your plate, especially with care of your children. You want to broach the subject, but not sure what to say or how to say it. If you were to tell them that they were being completely ridiculous, unrealistic and unreasonable, they would most likely not react well to your statement.  Depending on how severe your tone of voice and your choice of words, they could very well ask you to leave and go to a hotel.

Something as small as the topic of household chores can divide a family, because we are more sensitive to emotions, feelings, and thoughts of family members. We tend to take things more personally when it comes from family. When a subject is broached severely, the reaction is likely to be severe as well. There are ways to approach a tough subject like this in a manner that will not create family dissension. I will outline those steps below, so you have a practical example of how to negotiate a tough subject with family. Below are also some tips on how to navigate negotiations with your family.

It’s Okay to Have Different Opinions in a Family

A person may be hurt, angry, and have feeling that they need to confront a family member about a topic. The question they need to ask themselves is “what would be the upside in broaching this family member about this topic” and “is it really your business”. If their motivation is something related to their personal life and they don’t play any role in the subject at hand, such as how a family member parents their children or how they treat their spouse, then they need to stay out of it.

All family members have different ways of doing things whether it is raising kids, cooking, spousal relationships, religion, etc. Just because people were raised in the same home doesn’t mean that they are similar at all. Family members can be as different as night and day. That’s okay. The world is interesting because of variety. Families sometimes have the hardest time accepting differences because they are in fact family, especially those who are blood related. They think for some reason that because they are family, they need to do things the same or think the same. However, this is not the case.

Everyone is different and has different ways of doing life, even if they are blood related. For example, Just because a sister goes with her husband and children to stay with their parents every Christmas doesn’t mean that another sibling automatically has to do the same. If they set out for their family to create a different tradition of celebrating Christmas morning at home with their own children, then these decisions should be embraced and respected.

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Families must allow fellow family members to have different traditions and practices. There is no need for a confrontation or discussion about these things, as all are adults and choosing their own path, traditions, and ways of doing life. Differences are not only allowed in families, but should be recognized and respected by fellow family members.

There are far too many families being divided because they are in each other’s business and they don’t need to be. For example, an adult sibling may think that her sister feeds her own children incredibly poorly. They get junk food throughout the day and they eat nothing organic. Whereas the other sibling only eats organic food and all junk food is banned from their home. What would the upside of this sibling having the conversation with their sister about her habits in feeding her children? What is the likelihood of her actually changing the way she feeds her children? That would require a huge commitment on her part, so for her to implement real change and want to change it would more than likely take more than just another sibling’s opinion on the subject. There is not an upside if it is felt that they would not make any changes. Just making her aware that people know that she is feeding her children poorly is not going to create change. Everyone has a different opinion when it comes to feeding children.

Again, allowing for differences in the way family members parent their children, live life, and value different facets of life is all part of mature and healthy family relationships. Not only should family members be allowed to live their life how they want, their decisions should be respected. Confronting family members for their life choices that have no affect on other family members is unnecessary and typically creates damage to family relationships.

Think of Their Perspective Before You Even Broach the Subject

Putting oneself in another person’s shoes is essential to understanding them. People who are only looking at a situation from their own personal perspective and not taking into consideration the other person’s perspective, are subsequently likely to broach the family member in a highly biased manner.

Allowing for an openness and vulnerability in examining the situation from the other person’s perspective can be very enlightening. Family members must give their fellow family members the respect and love they deserve by trying to view life through their eyes and their situation. If they fail to do this and are thinking from only their own perspective, they are likely to damage the relationship with insensitive or inappropriate conversations.

Use Kindness and Softness in Your Approach

Soft is always better when it comes to talking about difficult things. Harshness puts people off and shuts them down. People will open up only if they feel safe and comfortable sharing with the other person. If they feel they are going to be blamed, judged, criticized, or treated unkindly, they will not be open to the discussion.

Kindness is not only tone of voice and the words chosen, but it also involves a conscious decision to leave any judgements out of the conversation. Judging the person will only make them defensive and therefore the person who broached the subject becomes the enemy. This is not what any family member would do intentionally if their desire is to have good family relationships.

Family members must speak in a way that they would want to be spoken to, which is with kindness and love, not judgement or harshness, in order to maintain healthy relationships within the family.

Avoid Harshness When Negotiating with Family

Blaming and Finger Pointing in the Form of “You” Statements

Blaming usually comes in the form of “you” statements. Cut that word out of your vocabulary when you are discussing something important or of a sensitive nature with family. When you feel the need to say “you”, change the context and thoughts by altering them to “I feel” statements. For example, if your sister wants to set a holiday gift exchange price to a minimum of $50 and your instinct is to say “you always expect everyone to spend way more than we can afford, we aren’t all as wealthy as you”. That “you” statement is pretty harsh and is likely to insight an argument.

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Instead, change the thought and message into an “I feel” statement. This statement should not put any blame on the other party, but helps them to see your side of things. For example, a better statement would be “I feel uncomfortable with the $50 amount, as it is too much for our family at this time, since we have a strict holiday budget”. You could then follow it up by suggesting a different amount or asking if there is some room for negotiating the amount or doing a price range.

Be solution oriented, but don’t start with blaming or the entire conversation will blow up. You can get what you want with either scenario, but one is more damaging to the relationship. When you blame others and finger point you are alienating those you are pointing your finger at to blame. Therefore, relationships break down when you chose the route of blame. Take the high road and use “I feel” statements to help them understand your perspective compassionately.

Criticizing

Family members will often criticize because they see something wrong and they want to help fix the problem by pointing out what is wrong. Their intention of helping is good. However, the method is problematic because the recipient of criticism doesn’t see it as help. Instead, they see criticism as someone telling them what is wrong with them or what they are doing wrong. It doesn’t help them but makes them upset toward the person who is delivering the criticism. Criticism should be avoided altogether when negotiating with family.

Advice

Nobody wants to hear unsolicited advice. If they didn’t ask you for your opinion or advice, then don’t give it. Psychology Today explains that advice can come across as trying to control the person, or impinging on their freedom, as well as these other problematic motivations:[1]

They suggest that the advice, justifiably or not, comes across to us as one-upmanship, or assertion of dominance, or criticism, or distrust, or failure to consider our own unique goals and priorities.

Find out more about how unsolicited advice can seriously hurt a relationship: This Is How You Worsen the Relationship Without Noticing

Ultimatums

Ultimatums are a form of bullying. It is a way of twisting someone’s arm to do something by making the consequence so painful they have no other choice, than to comply. The real problem is that the other party didn’t make the choice on their own. They were forced or bullied into agreement by an ultimatums on the table.

Ultimatums are not fair and they only harm relationships in the long run because the party on the receiving side of the ultimatum is likely to feel they were forced into something.

Gossiping to Others About the Issue

Do not go to friends or other family members if you have an issue with someone in your family. You need to go directly to the person with whom you have an issue. Don’t gossip about the person behind their back. They may find out eventually that you were talking about them behind their back and they will feel betrayed.

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Skip the gossip and go directly to the family member to discuss the subject at hand. Don’t involve others who have nothing to do with the situation.

Being Right

If your end goal of the conversation is to “be right” or “to win”, your attitude is all wrong. This kind of attitude is not one that is conducive to healthy family relationships. You need to be more concerned about reaching a mutually agreed upon solution, which typically involves compromise. If you are all about being right, compromise won’t come to your mind.

Be flexible, humble, and allow yourself the vulnerability to be wrong. It happens to all of us. We can’t be right all the time. More often then not, a compromise can be reached if both parties are flexible and no one side is insistent on “being right” at the end.

Steps to Negotiate with Family and Maintain Healthy Relationships

1. Decide what to discuss beforehand and how to phrase things in the kindest, most compassionate manner.

This is also the time to ask yourself the following questions:

  • What is the upside of discussing this topic?
  • Is it any of my business?

If you feel that discussing the topic can lead to resolution and improvement in the relationship, plan to discuss the topic. If the topic has nothing to do with you, such as how your sibling raises their children or what color they want to paint their kitchen, then stay out of it.

Once you have decided the subject needs to be discussed, list the key points you want to go over with this person. Write down phrases for each of these key points that present the topic in a kind, compassionate, open, and understanding manner. For example, with the story at the beginning of the article you were told to imagine yourself moving in with your in-laws. They set unrealistic expectations for yourself and your children while living at their home. Here is a good way to approach this topic and some notes you could possibly jot down before talking to them:

  • “I feel overwhelmed with all that is going on in our lives with the move, dealing with three children and how they are adusting to the move, so I was hoping we could discuss the expections you gave us”.
  • “I feel compelled to help with the household duties, but I also feel I need to balance this with my responsibility to my children and husband”.
  • “I would like to go over the list with you, so we can decide together which of these household duties take higher priority over others, so I can help where it is needed most.”

These “I feel” and solution oriented statements will give a good starting point for a discussion, that don’t place blame on anyone. Instead they are phrased to help the in-laws see your side of things. They are also phrased in a way that show a compromise is in mind already.

2. Ask for a good time and location to have the discussion.

Ask the person for a time and place to sit down to have a discussion. Be sure to include everyone involved in the issue. Don’t leave someone out if they are pertinent to the problem or solution. Make sure it is a location where you won’t have distractions. When you meet, put all electronics aside so you can focus on the discussion.

3. Talk, but listen more.

We all tend to talk too much. Say what needs to be said, but no more. Keep to the points that you outlined beforehand. Then listen to the other party. Before you respond, process the information and take some time to think before responding. Often in family negotiations people respond too quickly, especially as things get heated and the result is a heightened level of negative emotions.

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Keep calm, talk slow, and think before speaking. Listen to the other party and let them know you want to hear their side and understand what they have to say. Use active listening methods to convey to the other party that you are understanding them. You do this by paraphrasing back to them the important points they have spoken. Here are some great tips for active listening if you want some additional insight on this topic: How to Master Active Listening

4. Stay focused on the subject.

Families have issues. A lot of them. Don’t allow other issues to interfere with the current negotiation. Stay focused with the issue at hand. Don’t go off on tangents or bring up other past issues. If the words you speak don’t help with the solution, don’t say them. If the other party goes off on a tangent, help kindly direct hem back to the current topic.

5. Seek to understand their side of things.

Compassion is key to reaching a resolution. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their perspective. When they speak, listen with compassion and an open heart. This is easier to do if emotions are not getting high and things’ not getting heated. It is important to help be a part of the calm. Let the other party know you are there to discuss things because you care for them and they are family. It is not about “winning” or “being right”.

6. Walk away if things get too heated.

When people start yelling, the issue will not be appropriately discussed and a solution will not be found. If things get too heated and people begin to yell, it is time to step back or walk away. Try again when everyone is calm and willing to talk in normal tones.  Here are some good tips on dealing with someone who is yelling at you: The Best Way to React When Someone is Shouting at You in Anger

7. Find a compromise that appeases both sides.

Research from Harvard examined family negotiations and found the following:[2]

A typical strength of family negotiations is that family members generally prefer to reach mutually acceptable outcomes in their negotiations.

Good families who love one another want to reach solutions when there is conflict. The goal is to find a solution that is acceptable for all parties involved. This is why discussion is needed to find out what is acceptable to each party, so a middle ground can be found.

No family is perfect and there’s no need to have a perfect family in which everyone has to agree with each other all the time. It’s okay to have different opinions and ways to approach things within a family. It’s about mutual respect and recognition with each other’s thoughts. If you find yourself in a situation where negotiation is needed with your family, try the steps I suggested and figure out what’s best for everyone together with your family members.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash Minjoo Son via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

Doctor of Psychology

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Last Updated on September 12, 2018

How to Be Happy Again: 13 Simple Ways to Shake off Sadness Right Now

How to Be Happy Again: 13 Simple Ways to Shake off Sadness Right Now

When you look at your own life, maybe you’re thinking about how time has gone by so quickly and you have no idea how you got to where you are at. You might begin to feel sad because you’ve drifted so far from where you wanted to be at your age. Life was much more difficult than you expected it to be, so you just settled and decided to accept that this is just how life is. You’ve given up and your goal now is just to get by.

However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Cultivating much more happiness in your life is a very real and close possibility. You just have to put in a little work.

Here are 13 proven ways to shake off your sadness and feel happy again:

1. Do what brings you meaning

We’ve all been there. A feeling of boredom and being stuck in our lives without knowing what to do. Rather than trying to figure out such heavy questions such as “What is my purpose in life?” it’s much easier to turn on the television and let the day go by.

“When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.” -Viktor Frankl

Many affluent people are experiencing unhappiness no matter how much money, respect, or fame they have because of one big reason: Our unhappiness stems ultimately from a feeling of meaninglessness.

Frankl has developed a process called Logotherapy to help people build more meaning in their lives. He was put in charge of the mental health department of the Viennese hospital system because they were losing too many patients to suicide. His practices were what prevented tens of thousands of these patients from killing themselves. He did this by helping instill a sense of meaning to their lives.

What you can do right now:

In moments when you are struggling with unhappiness, you can start applying Frankl’s Logotherapy in your life by doing the following:

  • Work on a project that demands your skills and abilities. If you have trouble coming up with one, then look for something important to work on that will help someone in need.
  • Immerse yourself fully in your experience and share it with people who love you in an authentic, non-judgmental manner.
  • Find a redemptive perspective towards your suffering. Meaning comes in our lives when we change our perspective about our hardships in a way that it improves our lives rather than bringing it down. For example, I met a woman in Thailand once who ran an orphanage with children who were affected by the AIDS virus. She also suffered from cancer, but rather than viewing the illness as something that is ruining her life, she shared with me “It’s kind of like a death sentence when the doctor says to you ‘you’re HIV positive’ or ‘you have cancer’ and it gives me an ability to identify with these children that are HIV positive, so I’m grateful for cancer because of it, if nothing else.”

Recommended reading:

Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl

2. Start killing your options and get crystal clear on what you want

“Too many choices exhaust us, make us unhappy and lead us to sometimes abscond from making a decision all together.”[1] Keep your options open” may be advice you’ve heard often. But if you keep your options too open, it usually makes you more unhappy, stressed out, and tired from having to choose between too many things.

When you have too many choices to make, you begin to make more poorer decisions as you make each following one throughout the day. This is what’s known as decision fatigue.

The most important thing you can do to increase your level of happiness is by effectively reducing the amount of any unnecessary decisions you have to make in a day.

What you can do right now:

Set up routines to help you accomplish the following:

  • Make the most important decisions earlier in the day when your mind is more fresh.
  • Try to plan out your day the night before whenever possible.
  • Choose your meals in advance.
  • If you have to make an important decision but you’re hungry, eat first.
  • When you have too many choices, try to narrow it down to choosing between a select few.
  • Automate your life as much as possible by doing the following:
    • Set up automatic payment functions on any bills you have
    • Use free software If This Then That , to automate your life . For example: instead of watching and refreshing to win an auction on Ebay or get that coveted item on Craigslist, have an email notification sent to you, so you can be one of the first to jump on the deal.
    • If your budget allows, hire a virtual assistant or a company like Fancy Hands to take a lot of menial tasks off your plate.

3. Create safe spaces to find yourself and beat the feeling of shame

We’re constantly bombarded with messages that tell us we need to look, act, or be a certain way in order to be happy and successful.

The average person gets exposed to over 10,000 advertisements a day and most of these messages are total nonsense.[2]

All of these false promises given to us each day are what causes us to portray ourselves in a way we think others want us to be so that we can fit in. The sad part is that many of us do find ways to fit in, but we never actually feel like we belong.

When we don’t feel loved and understood for who we truly are, there is no way we can ever be happy. The reason we are often reluctant to be our most authentic selves is because of shame.

At some point in your life, you will run into shame and it will make you feel like there is something wrong with you. Whether it was getting teased at school, not meeting up to your parents’ expectations, or being harshly judged by a peer, shame makes you hide your true self and wear a mask to show someone else.

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    Learning to have the courage to stay true to yourself is one of the keys to longer lasting happiness.

    Dr. Brene Brown, an amazing vulnerability researcher, explained in her TED talk that she once took put a poll on social media asking “How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?”:

    Within an hour and a half, she had 150 responses. Here’s what some of them said:

    • Having to ask my husband for help because I’m sick, and we’re newly married
    • Initiating sex with my husband / wife
    • Being turned down
    • Asking someone out
    • Waiting for the doctor to call back
    • Getting laid off
    • Laying off people

    Vulnerable moments like these are when we are most prone to feeling shame. Learning about how to handle that shame is what will enable you to recover from it in a healthy way.

    What you can do right now:

    Practice vulnerability.

    Start by looking yourself in the mirror each morning and telling yourself “I’m not perfect, but that’s ok”

    Take Dr. Brown’s simple advice that she gave on the Oprah show. When you experience shame, talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love, reach out to someone you trust, and tell your story.[3]

    Recommended reading:

    I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” by Dr. Brene Brown

    4. Engage your curiosity to supercharge your personal growth

    Some of the greatest things that exist in our world today were a result of someone’s curiosity. It’s the reason why people like Steve Jobs, Thomas Edison, and Henry Ford created some of the most innovative products of all time.

    Satisfying your curiosity releases dopamine in your brain.[4] This is also why we absolutely have to finish a great movie and watch it till the end. You want to know what happens and when you finally do, you get that rush of dopamine and get pleasure from it as a reward. The same applies with any habits we’ve formed, such as checking our social media feeds and emails.

    While these kind of things may give you a short moment of happiness, there is a type of curiosity that will give you a more longer lasting happiness. Dr. Todd Kashdan explains it in the terms of being a “curious explorer”.

    “Curious explorers are comfortable with the risks of taking on new challenges. Instead of trying desperately to explain and control our world, as a curious explorer we embrace uncertainty, and see our lives as an enjoyable quest to discover, learn and grow.”

    By using your curiosity to help you get better at something, become more knowledgeable or see something in a new perspective, you’ll find life to be much more enjoyable.

    What you can do right now:

    Kashdan’s suggestions on how to become “Curious Explorers” are summarized in Kari Henley’s Huffington Post article in the following way:

    • Try to notice little details of your daily routine that you never noticed before.
    • When talking to people, try to remain open to whatever transpires without judging or reacting.
    • Let novelty unfold and resist the temptation to control the flow.
    • Gently allow your attention to be guided by little sights, sounds or smells that come your way.

    Recommended reading:

    Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life by Todd Kashdan PhD.

    5. Help yourself by helping others

    The happiest people are ones who make a positive impact on others.

    “No man or woman is an island. To exist just for yourself is meaningless. You can achieve the most satisfaction when you feel related to some greater purpose in life, something greater than yourself.” ―Denis Waitley

    Every individual has something they can contribute to the world. The hard part is figuring out what that is. And the truth is, we’ll never figure it out until we actually do something about it.

    Science has shown data that supports the evidence that giving is a powerful way to lasting happiness. If done in the right way, giving can feel great and give you the much needed boost in your mood.[5]

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    “Happiness is only real when shared.” -Christopher McCandless, Into The Wild

    What you can do right now:

    Intentionally begin contributing to something or someone in your life.

    Check out these 20 small acts of kindness to do something bigger than just for yourself.

    6. Get out of your comfort zone to rewire your brain

    Chances are you are unhappy because of the routine. Simply put, you’re bored but at the same time, maybe you’re a little afraid of trying something new. Or, in a more extreme example, you might hate your job but you are too afraid to quit because you’re worried you may become broke with nothing better ahead for you.

      Whatever the case may be, bringing yourself out of your comfort zone as much as possible can result in a  much more satisfying life.

      Scientists have found evidence that if a person steps out of their comfort zone just enough, then they can increase endorphin’s in their brain, which creates increased feelings of happiness.[6]

      What you can do right now:

      • Create more experiences in your life that you can’t back out of. Think of a big goal in your life you’ve always wanted to accomplish, then create a situation that brings you out of your comfort zone that you’ll follow through with.
      • Travel more. Neuroscience has shown that new experiences can build new neuropathways in the brain.[7]When this occurs, it promotes mental health as a result. There is a joy that comes from traveling and whether you’re visiting a foreign country, a nearby city, or even a staycation to a new local restaurant, discovering and experiencing new things can do the trick.[8]

      7. Kick materialism in the face and invest in experiences

      I can’t remember the number of times I was excited to buy a new toy, game, or piece of technology for myself only to get bored of it not too long after. This goes to show material things usually only bring out a temporary amount of happiness at best. Happy experiences last as a happy memory forever.

      While owning material possessions can be nice, they can never be a part of you like great experiences can be a part of you. This is why you should invest more in experiences rather than things.[9]

      “Part of us believes the new car is better because it lasts longer. But, in fact, that’s the worst thing about the new car,” he said. “It will stay around to disappoint you, whereas a trip to Europe is over. It evaporates. It has the good sense to go away, and you are left with nothing but a wonderful memory.” — Dan Gilbert

      What you can do right now:

      Rather than spending your money on buying something a material possession that you’ve always wanted, try these options instead:

      • Invest in a class you have always wanted to take.
      • Book a trip to somewhere you have always wanted to visit.
      • Get tickets to a popular show that you might like.

      8. Meditate regularly

      Self-realization has been shown to have many benefits and this can be achieved by regularly practicing mindfulness meditation.

      Taking a moment to get yourself untangled from all the messy thoughts and emotions you experience can be just the thing you need to be happier. Meditation increases gray matter in the hippocampus, which is an area of the brain important for learning, memory and emotion. It also reduces gray matter in the amygdala, the area of the brain associated with stress and anxiety.

      These are just a few of the many benefits meditation has been shown to give you.

      What you can do right now:

      Download the no-nonsense Headspace meditation app. All you need is 10 minutes and a comfortable chair. If you find yourself thinking you don’t have 10 minutes, then let the truth of Tony Robbins’ words settle in:

      “If you don’t have 10 minutes, you don’t have a life.”

      9. Change your attitude to gratitude

      This is something that’s commonly said, but it comes from a place of truth.

      The Journal of Happiness published a study where the 219 men and women participants involved wrote three letters of gratitude over a three week period. The results showed that writing letters of gratitude increased participants’ happiness and life satisfaction while decreasing depressive symptoms.[10]

      Your brain cannot simultaneously focus on positive and negative things at once. Because of this, practicing gratitude can help you shift your focus from being sad about the things you don’t have in your life to being glad for the things you do have.

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      When you engage in the act of being thankful for something, production of dopamine and serotonin increases.[11] This activates the happiness center of the brain, which is similar to how antidepressants work; so, you could think of gratitude as a natural antidepressant.

      What you can do right now:

      • Start a habit of writing down three things you are grateful for each day.
      • Regularly write a thank you card to someone you appreciate or to someone who has done something recently for you.
      • Inject things you are thankful for in your daily conversations instead of focusing on negative topics.

      10. Create better habits

      One of the biggest difference between happy and unhappy people are the habits they have. Over 40% of your day isn’t spent on making active decisions but is a result of habit.

      The truth about why it’s so hard to break out of old routines is simply the fact that it is a routine. Human beings are creatures of habit. Charles Duhigg explains in his book The Power of Habit how the basic structure of habits consists of a cue (trigger), the routine, and the reward.

        For example, stress can be your cue to engage in your routine of smoking a cigarette, which rewards you with the surge of nicotine to relieve your stress. Duhigg teaches the key to turning bad habits into good ones is to figure out how to change the routine. Rather than smoking, maybe you can go for a nice walk or meditate to achieve the same stress relief.

        If your habits are not making you healthier and happier, that means you may be automatically spending almost half your day doing things that make you more unhappy.

        What you can do right now:

        Changing your habits is much easier said than done, which is why you also need to modify your environment as much as possible to increase your chances of success. After doing so, try and tackle the routines which will help you to replace the bad habits with good habits.

        Recommended reading:

        The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

        11. Learn how to predict happiness more accurately

        There are plenty of things in life that aren’t as pleasant as you thought they would be.

        You may have always wanted the nice expensive car, but now that you have it, you’re constantly stressed out about any new scratches and annoyed at all the extra unexpected expenses involved with keeping it well maintained and in good condition.

        You may have always wanted to be married, but now that you are, you didn’t realize the immense amount of work it takes to build and maintain a loving relationship.

        Harvard psychology professor Dan Gilbert argues one of the reasons for our unhappiness is by wrongly predicting the types of things that will make us happy.[12]

        “If I wanted to know what a certain future would feel like to me, I would find someone who is already living that future. If I wonder what it’s like to become a lawyer or marry a busy executive or eat at a particular restaurant, my best bet is to find people who have actually done these things and see how happy they are. What we know from studies will increase the accuracy of your prediction, but nobody wants to do it.”

        Simply investing the time and energy to learning more about what you are getting yourself into can increase your chances of accurately placing yourself in happier situations.

        What you can do right now:

        Reach out to people that are living the lifestyle you want or possess something you want to have; get on a call with them, or take them out for coffee. Ask about their experiences, both good and bad, and observe if what they have makes them happier, and then decide if it is something you want as well.

        Speaking to a friend who owns a new piece of technology that you want or is currently involved a career that you want to pursue is easy. Yet, if the person of interest is a celebrity or a highly respected individual, then getting in touch with them will be much harder. In this case, scour any public information such as blog posts, interviews and social media posts to get to know them and help you make a decision whether the life they are living is one you want to pursue.

        Recommended reading:

        Stumbling Upon Happiness by Dan Gilbert

        12. Treat yourself with compassion to boost your self-esteem

        Imagine sitting down in a cafe and overhearing a conversation between two girls at the next table.

        “…and you’ve gotten fatter as well. It’s terrible…”

        Advertising

        “Don’t you feel horrible right now?”

        “With those large thighs and your horse’s hips?”

        Fortunately, this conversation was staged by the personal care company, Dove. But the conversation was one that actually happened, except it was with one’s self. The script for the actresses were written from actual self-dialogue from women who were documenting the thoughts that they had about themselves each time the thought came to mind.

        Dove ran this campaign to illustrate this point: if we wouldn’t talk to others in this negative manner, why would we talk to ourselves in this way?

        Here’s the video:

        People who practice self-compassion also have greater social connectedness, emotional intelligence, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. So the next time you are feeling low and start nitpicking at yourself, come to your own defense and give yourself a break.

        What you can do right now:

        Here are some ways you can practice self-compassion:

        • Treat yourself as you would your own child.
        • Practice non-judgmental mindfulness (i.e. meditation, yoga) to quiet your inner-critic.
        • Remind yourself of the fact that you are not alone.
        • Give yourself permission to be imperfect.
        • If you struggle with having self compassion and find yourself in need of help, consider hiring a supportive coach or therapist.

        13. Give yourself time to be sad

        Most of the time, people try to avoid negative emotions because they are afraid of the pain and grief they will experience or of the vulnerability it will require. But unless you let those tears come, you will never be able to let go of the emotions. They will stay stuck inside of you.

        It gets even worse when you try and numb your sadness with negative behaviors such as overmedicating, excessively drinking or distracting yourself by overworking. What happens when you numb your negative behaviors is that you are also numbing your positive behaviors.[13]

        Fully experiencing your emotions, whether they’re positive or negative, is important for your own well being.

        “But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, “All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.” Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays With Morrie

        What you can do right now:

        Get into a habit of identifying your emotions. For example, when you start to feel sad, simply tell yourself “This is sadness.” Once you begin calling your emotions by name, it helps you realize it is an emotion and doesn’t have to define who you are. This is the simple process that lets you ride the wave of emotion and let it pass without letting it take hold of you and controlling your behavior.

        The next time you start feeling sadness, let yourself feel it. Don’t let your fear find an excuse to avoid it. Just like a roller coaster becomes fun after the initial drop, let the discomfort of sadness come through you so you can go back to enjoying your life again.

        The important part of feeling your sadness is to make sure you don’t cross the fine line of dwelling on it and victimizing yourself. Let the feeling come, and when it wants to go, let it go.

        Recommended reading:

        Happiness marks the spot

          Unlike in fairytales, there is no such thing as happily ever after. Instead, it’s similar to there being a variety of scattered treasures buried in a huge field called life. You will need to dig a little to find each treasure as you walk through different points in your life.

          As you continue to go through the daily grind, make the choice to invest time and energy into using the methods outlined here to uplift your spirits. You’ll be happy you did.

          Featured photo credit: unsplash via unsplash.com

          Reference

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