Advertising
Advertising

Why Changing for the Better Isn’t as Difficult as It Seems

Why Changing for the Better Isn’t as Difficult as It Seems

Hope is not a strategy when it comes to change. Commitment is what is needed to make change happen. Not just a wishy, washy commitment to change that fades in a week. Real change needs real commitment. Dismissing your excuses and “buts” and exchanging them for commitment to the process of change is what is needed to make change happen.

The good news is that your personality and behaviors can be changed, but it is up to you. You can’t change anyone else, but you can change yourself. Below are the steps needed to create change in your life. Its up to you to make that change happen, nobody can do it for you, but you can certainly find help along the way.  

Awareness for the Need to Change

You can’t go on blaming your problems and issues on other people or circumstances. Eventually you need to take the bull by the horns, own up to your short comings, and get on a path to change. The first step toward change is acknowledging that you have something you need to change. If you don’t think there is something about you that needs to be changed or improved, then you are in denial, because there are not any perfect people in this world.

Look at the repeated problems in your life. The issues that seem to come up time and time again. Do you keep gravitating toward the wrong relationships, but you blame the people you are choosing, rather than looking at your problem in the selection process? Do you jump from one job to another, yet blame co-workers and bosses, rather than look at what you may be doing to cause problems and dissatisfaction on the job? We are creatures of habit, so look at the patterns that you have in life that are negative. The ones that keep coming up and causing problems. Then look introspectively to see what it is in you that is causing these repeated life problems to occur. If you can’t figure it out on your own, then go to a counselor for better understanding. If you can indeed figure out what it is in you that needs to be changed, even better. Once you recognize the need for change and what it is that needs to be changed, then you can move to the next step.

Believe that Change is Indeed Possible

There are people out there who believe that personality is unchangeable. When confronted with their problem such as constant negativity they lash back with “that’s just who I am”. It may be who you are, but does it need to be? Change in personality and behaviors is possible. Nobody stays the same from one year to the next, let alone across a decade, so why not move change in the direction that is best for you and not just let it happen.  Be proactive about the change you want in your life, including the belief that change can occur.

If you don’t firmly believe that change is possible, then you are doomed to fail. You must believe that change can happen. Look for success stories and people who have changed and done what you so deeply desire to do. Seeing that others have been where you have are, and have accomplished the change you desire will help you in your process to accomplish that change.

List the Benefits in your Life and the Lives of Others for this Change

In order for change to be meaningful you need to buy into the premise that the change is necessary for your betterment. If you quit drinking alcohol, but deep down still crave alcohol every day for the rest of your life has change really happened? The change needs to happen in your mind and for you to fully desire the benefit of that change in order for your change to be meaningful and long lasting. People who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

Advertising

    One of the best ways to help yourself stick to the commitment of change is to make a list of the benefits that the change will bring in your life. Make one list of the benefits in your life if and when this change happens. Make another list of the benefits that your loved ones will have if you make the change. Recognizing the full spectrum of benefits including how your change will affect those closest to you, will help you stick with the process of change.

    When you have moments of weakness, or fail on a particular day or time then getting back on track becomes easier when you review your list on a regular basis. Posting your “benefits of change” list somewhere where you see it often, such as a bathroom mirror, will help you be reminded of why you are doing what you are doing.

    Make a Real Commitment to Change

    Commitment means time and energy.

    If you think you can change by wishing and hoping then you will certainly fail. Be realistic when you dedicate yourself to change.

    If you think you are going to lose 50 lbs. in a month then you are setting yourself up to fail. Make a commitment to the time frame needed for the change to happen. If you want to lose 50 lbs., then set out a realistic plan of a few lbs. per week and a timeline that reflects those goals.

    It will take you a lot longer than a month, but setting realistic goals will help you stick to your commitment. Change happens one day at a time. It is not immediate, but over the course of time because of your dedication and commitment to the process.

    When you are making the commitment to change, this is the time that you dispel of your excuses.

    If you have had “buts” and “what ifs” in the past holding you back it is time to address those head on and not allow them to prevent you from pursing change. The “buts” are usually the biggest obstacle toward commitment. When times get tough your “but” thinking comes into play. Be prepared to knock down those “buts” and be more committed to the process of change and the end result desired, than to the “buts”.

    Be SMART.

    There is a “SMART” plan when it comes to setting and achieving goals and sticking to your commitment to change. Make your goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound.

    An example of this would be a person who wants to become an active runner so they can tackle a half marathon. The first step would be to research what other people have done for training plans to achieve this goal.

    Advertising

    Runners World lays out specifics for a beginner to train for a half marathon: “Target the Long Run: Every other week, increase your long run by 1.5 miles until you’re run/walking 13 to 14 miles. On alternate weeks, keep your long run to no longer than three miles. Your longest long run should fall two weeks before your half-marathon. Plan to take about 15 weeks to prepare for the big day.”[1]

    Taking on this SMART tool, lets break it down:

    • S-(Specific). Run every week, make a chart of the miles, according to the Runners World recommendations.
    • M- (Measurable). Make the chart specific for the distance you want to accomplish for each run, which makes your goals measurable. Lets start by writing down at least your first two weeks of running goals to get started. Your first week could entail four days a week of running doing 1.5 miles the first run, 1.5 miles the second, 2.0 the second, and 2.5 the third. Then you move to week two and increase to the 3.0 mile mark. You again set your week up by scheduling four runs into your calander. The first day you do 3.0 miles, the second 3.0 miles, the third day 4.0 miles, and the fourth 4.5 miles.
    • A-(Attainable). You may concerned about weather getting in the way of you getting all your runs in each week, so you then need to find an indoor track, get a treadmill, or sign up for a gym to use their treadmills.
    • R-(Relevant). You aren’t concerned about your work out schedule outside of the running. Your goal is to get to half marathon preparedness, so attending workout classes won’t be on your chart. You stick to charting the runs and dedicating your free time to that goal, not other fitness or diet goals that may impede on your energy level and ability to get your runs completed each week.
    • T-(Time Bound). You are setting your plan to 15 weeks, based on the Runners World recommendations. You then find a half marathon that is very near in date to your 15 week completion and sign up. You chart your weekly runs (four per week), increasing your mileage each week by 1.5 miles until you can achieve 13/14 miles.

    Create a Plan of Attack

    A goal without a plan is a plan to fail.

    You need a set of steps outlined to succeed. This is why 12 step programs are so successful. You can’t just walk into a meeting and say I am cured and changed! You need to mentally process the change in order for the change to be lasting and effective. Create a plan for your change. Be realistic and investigate what other people have done to change. For example, if you are dealing with anxiety and want to change that, then seek out therapy methods to address your problem. Stick with the therapy plan until your change process is complete. Simply hoping the anxiety will someday go away is not a plan.

    Research the best ways that change for your issue successfully happen. Investigate what others have done and been truly successful in making it to the other side of permanent change. Use their best practices to set your own plan of attack in addressing your process of change.

    Commitment without action results in failure.

    It is wonderful to set a goal for change and to write it down, but if you don’t act then your mental commitment means nothing. There is no actual commitment unless action follows. To best kick start our change the key is to act NOW. Not next week. Not waiting for a time when things are lined up just right, because that time may never come. Start today, as soon as you finish setting your goal for change. Tony Robbins is a self-help guru who explains why many people fail to change:[2]

    A lot of people tend to make “sorta kinda” decisions. Here’s the secret behind why people don’t follow through: The reason people don’t commit to a decision is that they don’t act on it.

    Acting now, is the way to show your commitment. Your body must follow the brain’s commitment. For example, if you committed to lose 50lbs then now is the time to go join a gym, hire a trainer, and walk into a weight loss clinic to get support. The important part is doing. We can make up our mind to be determined to change, but if action does not follow soon thereafter, then you will fail.

    It is very easy to make a verbal commitment to change or to even write it down. Where the rubber meets the road is when action is taken. Take action once a decision for change is made. Because if you wait until later that day you will get caught up in doing your daily routine, things for works, taking care of others, or whatever it may be; there will be distractions that will derail you from taking action later. There is no better time to take action than when you make the decision to change. Find one way that you can take action to get the ball rolling. Momentum is essential.

    Advertising

    For example, if you decide you want to finally write that book that is in your mind, but you don’t have a working laptop, then go and get a laptop today. Then that same day set aside an hour each day after work (and on your calander) so that you can write. Instead of going out with friends after work, you are committing to achieve this goal and you have time set aside to make that goal happen.

    If you want to become a writer, it won’t happen unless you actually write. Waiting until Black Friday for the best computer deal and then perhaps signing up for a writers conference 6 months down the road is not immediate action. Find ways that you can take action today. If you find yourself selecting action items that are in the future, then you really aren’t committed. Real commitment is making a decision for change and then taking immediate action.

    Find a Support System

    Psychology Today explains that one of the best ways to change behavior is through therapy and particularly the use of behavior modification therapies.[3] If you have a particular behavior or habit that you want to change, increase your odds of success dramatically by partnering with a therapist who specializes in treating your issue or who specializes in behavior modification methods.

    A great way to find support is through group therapy or support groups.

    If you have a substance abuse issue you can find groups that specialize is supporting you through recovery and change.  If you prefer to find support in the comfort of your own home, then you can look for online support forums and Facebook groups that deal with whatever change you are looking to pursue. There is support online for every disorder, bad habit, or desired change via the internet.

    Your ability to be successful in change is dependent on your ability to dive in; support systems help you to initially dive in and will help you stay committed to the process. Don’t underestimate the power you have by partnering with others who are seeking the same change. Whether it is weight loss, kicking an addiction, or changing part of your personality, partnering with others committed to that change will increase your odd of succeeding. There is power in numbers, so give yourself a better chance at change by finding and utilizing a supportive group.

    Get Uncomfortable

    Change should be uncomfortable. You are entering into new territory. Your mind and past habits will be resistant to the change, as it is uncomfortable and difficult. Expect the difficulties. Expect things to be uncomfortable. Also expect yourself to be so committed that you push through those times of discomfort. If you give up because of the discomfort then you are destined to fail in your pursuit of change. Embrace the discomfort associated with change and recognize that it puts you one step closer to accomplishing your goals.

    Stick to the Plan

    You will have good days and bad days in your pursuit of change. You will only succeed if you stick to the plan and push forward. If you get derailed from the plan don’t berate yourself. Instead allow yourself for some margin of error and then get back on track. You can’t expect to go on a diet without splurging sometimes. The key is “sometimes”. You shouldn’t make it a habit of getting off track, as it will slow down your progress. The sooner you get back on track on your plan, the more successful you will be in accomplishing your change goals. Set a plan and be committed to achieving it one day at a time and you will find success.

    Other researchers on the topic of change believe this process is about dedication and commitment to the change desired in our day to day lives, as Douglas LaBier from the Huffington Post so aptly stated:[4]

    Advertising

    Change occurs from awareness of what aspects of our personality we want to develop, and working hard to “practice” them in daily life.

    Here are some tips on sticking to a plan:

    Self-reflect on things that have derailed you in the past and problem solve them before they happen.

    Jot down those things that tend to get you off track. Now list ways to combat the derailments before they happen. For example if you are wanting to lose weigh, but you work late hours then commit to morning workouts. If you know in the past you would continually hit the snooze button and subsequently miss the workouts, then hire a trainer for early morning workouts. You are less likely to miss your workout if you have real money attached to it and someone counting on you to show up. You could also schedule morning workouts with a friend, so you know there is someone showing up and you don’t want to let them down. Brain storm solutions for your past derailments, so that this time around you are ready to stick to the plan and the commitment you have made to change.

    Don’t do things halfway, do them 100% of the time consistently.

    If you are working out every morning for weeks but aren’t seeing change after a month or more because you are just showing up and giving it 50% you are more likely to quit. However, if you are giving 100% every morning at those workouts and you are sticking to the diet you will see change and progress. Those small changes are what keep you committed to an overall larger change in the long run. You are less likely to give up if you see the plan is working for you. In order for your plan to work, you need to give it all that you have in you.

    Define your commitment and be very specific.

    Commitment is a daily mental and physical plight when it comes to change. If your commitment is to lose weight then be specific about how you are going to achieve your change. For example, you decide you are going to stick to 1,800 calories a day and a 1 hour workout every day. Then write those goals down and chart your daily progress and achievement of these goals. Hold yourself accountable. Sticking to a plan is a great deal about the day in and day out commitments. Those commitments need to be achievable, yet challenging so you can produce change over time. Write them down, make them visible, and best of all create a chart of your daily progress in sticking to those commitments.

    Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

    Reference

    More by this author

    Dr. Magdalena Battles

    Doctor of Psychology

    Entitled Kids Are Parents’ Biggest Enemies How to Regain Broken Trust in a Relationship Most Overlooked Signs of Autism in Children (And What Parents Can Do) Parents Are Their Own Worst Enemies How To Raise Healthy, Happy Kids After Going Through a Divorce

    Trending in Psychology

    1Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist? 2What Makes a Relationship Boring and How to Avoid It 3How We Are Confusing Self-Love with Narcissism In This Generation 4A Negotiation Is Like a Game, You Can’t Get the Best Deal Without a Strategy 54 Simple Ways to Make Boring Work Become Interesting

    Read Next

    Advertising
    Advertising

    Last Updated on August 16, 2018

    Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

    Narcissistic Personality: What Is It and How to Deal with a Narcissist?

    He asks you for your opinion, but only follows his own advice regardless of what you say.She loves to talk about herself, everything about her is just better than you.  When you try to share anything happy about yourself, she seriously doubts it.

    If you know someone who acts like these examples, there’s a chance they might be a narcissist.

    What is a narcissistic personality?

    Narcissism is a spectrum personality disorder which most of us have.

    In popular culture, narcissism is interpreted as a person who’s in love with themselves, more accurately, their idealized selves. Narcissists believe that they are too unique to be understood and that they are so good that they demand for admiration from others.

    Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that,[1]

    the narcissist is someone who has buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.

    The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) describes narcissistic personality as a personality disorder. It is a spectrum disorder, which means it exists on a continuum ranging from some narcissistic traits to the full-blown personality disorder.[2]

    Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not very common, but the truth is, we all have some of the narcissistic traits.

    Advertising

    Traits of a narcissist:

    • They have a deep need for admiration and validation. They think they’re special and too unique to be understood.
    • They feel they are superior to other. They achieve more and know a lot more than you.
    • They do not show their vulnerabilities. They fear what others think of them and they want to remain superior in all situations.
    • They are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. They want to be the centre of attention and believe that showing emotions is a sign of weakness.
    • They are skilled manipulators and are emotionally abusive. They know how to make use of their charm to take advantage of others to get what they want.

    How are narcissists different from others?

    Narcissism expert and the author of Narcissism in a Nutshell, Zari Ballard, tried to answer some common questions asked by non-narcissists about what a narcissist thinks and feels from a narcissist’s perspective.[3]

    Do narcissists know they are narcissists and are they happy?

    We could really care less about how others feel. We enjoy our so called cold existence. True narcissists don’t want to change. We feel in total control of our lives using this method.

    Do narcissists know or understand right from wrong?

    Narcissists know the difference between right and wrong because they understand cause and effect. There is no “guilty conscience” giving them a clue and they are displaying the symptom of being “indifferent to social norms” while most likely presenting as ‘cold-hearted.’

    Narcissists have a very different thinking mechanism. They see things from a different perspective. Unlike non-narcissists and empaths, they don’t have much sympathy and are reluctant to show emotions to others.

    Why do people become narcissists?

    1. Narcissism is vulnerability taken to an extreme.

    The root of a narcissistic personality is a strong resistance to feeling vulnerable with anyone.[4]

    Narcissists refuse to put themselves in a position where they feel vulnerable. They fear that others will take advantage of their weaknesses, so they learn to camouflage their weaknesses by acting strong and powerful. The think showing emotions to others is a sign of weakness, so they learn to hide their emotions and act cold-hearted most of the times.

    Narcissists live in a state of anxiety because they are highly aware of their emotions and how others think of them.

    Advertising

    Vulnerability aversion, is the root of a narcissistic personality.

    2. A narcissistic personality could be a result of a wounded past.

    Narcissists are desperate to seek validation constantly because they either didn’t feel worthwhile and valued in the past, or were being paid too much attention as the most precious and unique one in the world.

    Faulty or inadequate parenting, for example a lack of limit setting, is believed to be a major cause, and both permissive and authoritarian styles of parenting have been found to promote narcissistic symptoms.[5]

    Both parents who fail to see the worth in a child, and parents who spoil and give excessive praise to the child promote narcissism as the child grows. While the former ones make the child feel inferior of others and want to get more attention, the latter ones encourage an idealized-self in the child.

    How to deal with a narcissist?

    1. If someone close to you is a narcissist, embrace the differences.

    There’re different personality types and not everyone will think and act the same as you do. Instead of trying to change others, learn to accept the differences and strike a balance when you really have to communicate with them.

    2. Don’t try to change them, focus on your own needs.

    Try to understand that narcissists are resistant to change, it’s more important for you to see who they really are, instead of who you want them to be. Focus on how you feel, and what you want yourself to be.

    Embrace the fact that there’re different types of personality and the only thing you can control is your attitude and your own actions.

    3. Recognize what they do only comes from their insecurity.

    Narcissists are quite vulnerable deep inside, they question others because that’s how they can make themselves feel better.

    Advertising

    When you learn that what a narcissist does to you is nothing personal, but something that comes from their insecurity, you know that sometimes they just need a certain amount of reassurance.

    This is especially important if the narcissist is someone you have to closely work with, or if they’re your family member. The right amount of reassurance can calm them down and get the tasks on hand completed.

    4. Ask them what would others think instead of what’d others feel.[6]

    Narcissists don’t feel guilty, but they care about how others think of them deep in their heart.

    Clinical psychologist Al Bernstein explains:

    There are just things, like other people’s feelings, that narcissists rarely consider. If you have their ear, don’t tell them how people might react; instead, ask probing questions. Narcissists are much more likely to act on ideas that they think they thought up themselves.

    If you have to work with a narcissist closely, focus on the facts and ideas, not the emotions.

    5. Let go of the need of getting a narcissist’s approval.

    You’re not who a narcissist says you are. Don’t let their blame game undermine your self-esteem, and don’t argue with them just to defend what you believe is right.

    There is no point arguing with a narcissist just to prove them wrong because they will not give in proving themselves right. It’s more likely that you’ll get more upset when they disagree with you in an unpleasant way.

    Advertising

    Know your own worth and detach from a narcissist’s opinion on you.

    6. If a narcissist is hurting you, stay away from them.

    Remember, a healthy relationship is two-sided. It’s about mutual respect and it’s based on give and take. But any kind of relationship with a narcissist is likely to be the contrary, it’s about making the narcissist happy and constantly supporting them. A relationship like this will only weigh you down and is unhealthy for your growth.

    7. Set a boundary and always keep it.

    If you’re setting a boundary, you have to be willing to keep it. When a narcissist sees that you’re trying to take back control of your life, they will try to test your limits, it’s just their instinct to do it.

    Be prepared that your boundary will be challenged. Make your boundary clear, have all the actions needed to be taken in your mind.

    For example, if you have decided to stop communicating with them, they will likely to show up in front of you just to talk to you. Be brave enough to keep your boundary, don’t back down and get close to them again; or else they will not take your boundary seriously any more.

    8. Learn when to walk away.

    When a narcissist starts to make you feel uncomfortable and doubt about yourself, it’s time to pick yourself up and give yourself enough respect to just walk away from them.

    If you’re in love with a narcissist, you should seriously think about ending the relationship and move on for a better life. If the narcissist is your family member, you don’t have to be cruel to them, but it’s better to keep distance from them.

    Reference

    Read Next