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What Happened to Me When I Let Go of My Fear of Being Alone

What Happened to Me When I Let Go of My Fear of Being Alone

Having a fear of being alone isn’t fun. What will you do when you have to make decisions all by yourself? How will you occupy yourself without somebody to talk to? These questions and concerns run though your head while your heart pounds. The thought of going to a movie without a friend is enough to make some people tremble. I used to be one of them. Now I know it isn’t so bad. When I let go of my fear of being alone, these four things happened.

1. I learned interesting things about myself

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” –J.K. Rowling

This might sound crazy, but you don’t have as much free will as you think you do. Almost half of your decisions are directly influenced by subconscious programing—stuff you don’t even realize you’re doing.

According to Duke University, 40% of your daily actions are not based on logic or reason. Instead, they are habits that you perform without thought-process. Knowing that, how do you propose to understand yourself if you never take the time to pause and reflect?

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Most people stagger through life like mindless automatons, because they never stop to consider what causes their behavior. As a result, they can’t change their behavior for the better. Practicing meditation and keeping a private journal helped me dig deep enough to locate the roots that were responsible for my habits. I learned how to be more compassionate with myself, cope with self-defeating beliefs, and leverage my personal strengths for more success.

2. I became more confident in my personality

“If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.” —Maxwell Maltz

Don’t you think weekends might be more enjoyable if you weren’t 100% dependent on other people? It’s amazing how so many folks feel like they can’t do something fun unless a friend tags along.

I remember when I used to feel that way in college. Ironically, due of my fear of being alone, I spent a lot of Saturday nights locked in my dorm room feeling sad, because I really wanted to go see a movie or a play or a concert, but no one else was available to go. I didn’t want to go out all by myself, because I thought I would look like a loser.

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Eventually, I realized my dependence on other people was completely unhealthy, so I decided it was time to get over it. I began my healing process by going to a coffee shop on my own. I took a book, which was a crutch (I was convinced people would stare at me, so it was nice to have a place to avert my gaze). But it helped me ease into it. It took me a while to get comfortable enough to interact with strangers, but now I can, and I became more confident in the process.

3. I realized conformity is nothing to be proud of

“Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.” —John F. Kennedy

Have you ever thought you were in a room by yourself, and decided to burst out in song or do a silly dance? Then you realized you actually weren’t alone (OMG someone saw the whole thing!), and you felt so embarrassed that you wished you could disappear?

If so, then you should know how tempting it is to conform due to a fear of judgment. People cannot be trusted to share their true selves when they are being watched. You want people to like you and you sure as hell don’t want to be criticized, so you’ll subconsciously censor yourself in a misguided effort to fit in.

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Apply this thinking to the Internet. If your public behavior is influenced by the presence of others, don’t you think your online behavior might be influenced by the prospect of an All Seeing Eye monitoring your email and social media activity? You better believe it is. Try to catch yourself in the act of self-censorship if you don’t believe me. This is why I roll my eyes when people say online privacy doesn’t matter. Be yourself. If a person can’t accept you, they don’t deserve you.

4. I changed into a happier, more productive person

“I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.” —Audrey Hepburn

You know what’s funny? I’m an introvert, but I didn’t even know it until I was over 20 years old. My past desire to conform made me think I was “supposed to” hang out with other people after school or work, but spending time alone taught me that I didn’t really enjoy that at all.

Don’t misread me. I believe friendship is very important. We all need at least one like-minded friend who is worthy of our trust. It’s hard to deal with life’s down moments without a person to talk to. But that doesn’t mean you need to hang out with your friends at a bar or restaurant every single evening. That sounds exhausting (not to mention expensive)!

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Being alone rejuvenates me in a way that is hard to explain. I call the apartment I live in my “fortress of solitude.” I have grown to love living alone so much that I’m not sure I would trade it for anything. I can wake up, turn on some classical music, work without interruption, and get so lost in writing that I lose track of time. I can grab a good book, snuggle up with my dog, and read in silence. It’s nice to have company sometimes, but I am a lot happier when that is the exception, not the norm.

Being alone is nothing to fear.

Remember: this is all coming from a guy who used to have a fear of being alone. Give it a chance if you doubt me. It might change your life. If you have any friends who might share that fear, go ahead and send them here for some inspiration!

Featured photo credit: Girl Looking at Landscape Nature/Viktor Hanacek via picjumbo.com

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Daniel Wallen

Daniel is a writer who focuses on blogging about happiness and motivation at Lifehack.

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Last Updated on December 3, 2019

10 Life Lessons You’d Better Learn Early on in Life

10 Life Lessons You’d Better Learn Early on in Life

There are so many lessons I wish I had learned while I was young enough to appreciate and apply them. The thing with wisdom, and often with life lessons in general, is that they’re learned in retrospect, long after we needed them. The good news is that other people can benefit from our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned.

Here’re 10 important life lessons you should learn early on:

1. Money Will Never Solve Your Real Problems

Money is a tool; a commodity that buys you necessities and some nice “wants,” but it is not the panacea to your problems.

There are a great many people who are living on very little, yet have wonderfully full and happy lives… and there are sadly a great many people are living on quite a lot, yet have terribly miserable lives.

Money can buy a nice home, a great car, fabulous shoes, even a bit of security and some creature comforts, but it cannot fix a broken relationship, or cure loneliness, and the “happiness” it brings is only fleeting and not the kind that really and truly matters. Happiness is not for sale. If you’re expecting the “stuff” you can buy to “make it better,” you will never be happy.

2. Pace Yourself

Often when we’re young, just beginning our adult journey we feel as though we have to do everything at once. We need to decide everything, plan out our lives, experience everything, get to the top, find true love, figure out our life’s purpose, and do it all at the same time.

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Slow down—don’t rush into things. Let your life unfold. Wait a bit to see where it takes you, and take time to weigh your options. Enjoy every bite of food, take time to look around you, let the other person finish their side of the conversation. Allow yourself time to think, to mull a bit.

Taking action is critical. Working towards your goals and making plans for the future is commendable and often very useful, but rushing full-speed ahead towards anything is a one-way ticket to burnout and a good way to miss your life as it passes you by.

3. You Can’t Please Everyone

“I don’t know the secret to success, but the secret to failure is trying to please everyone” – Bill Cosby.

You don’t need everyone to agree with you or even like you. It’s human nature to want to belong, to be liked, respected and valued, but not at the expense of your integrity and happiness. Other people cannot give you the validation you seek. That has to come from inside.

Speak up, stick to your guns, assert yourself when you need to, demand respect, stay true to your values.

4. Your Health Is Your Most Valuable Asset

Health is an invaluable treasure—always appreciate, nurture, and protect it. Good health is often wasted on the young before they have a chance to appreciate it for what it’s worth.

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We tend to take our good health for granted, because it’s just there. We don’t have to worry about it, so we don’t really pay attention to it… until we have to.

Heart disease, bone density, stroke, many cancers—the list of many largely preventable diseases is long, so take care of your health now, or you’ll regret it later on.

5. You Don’t Always Get What You Want

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

No matter how carefully you plan and how hard you work, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to… and that’s okay.

We have all of these expectations; predetermined visions of what our “ideal” life will look like, but all too often, that’s not the reality of the life we end up with. Sometimes our dreams fail and sometimes we just change our minds mid-course. Sometimes we have to flop to find the right course and sometimes we just have to try a few things before we find the right direction.

6. It’s Not All About You

You are not the epicenter of the universe. It’s very difficult to view the world from a perspective outside of your own, since we are always so focused on what’s happening in our own lives. What do I have to do today? What will this mean for me, for my career, for my life? What do I want?

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It’s normal to be intensely aware of everything that’s going on in your own life, but you need to pay as much attention to what’s happening around you, and how things affect other people in the world as you do to your own life. It helps to keep things in perspective.

7. There’s No Shame in Not Knowing

No one has it all figured out. Nobody has all the answers. There’s no shame in saying “I don’t know.” Pretending to be perfect doesn’t make you perfect. It just makes you neurotic to keep up the pretense of manufactured perfection.

We have this idea that there is some kind of stigma or shame in admitting our limitations or uncertainly, but we can’t possibly know everything. We all make mistakes and mess up occasionally. We learn as we go, that’s life.

Besides—nobody likes a know-it-all. A little vulnerability makes you human and oh so much more relatable.

8. Love Is More Than a Feeling; It’s a Choice

That burst of initial exhilaration, pulse quickening love and passion does not last long. But that doesn’t mean long-lasting love is not possible.

Love is not just a feeling; it’s a choice that you make every day. We have to choose to let annoyances pass, to forgive, to be kind, to respect, to support, to be faithful.

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Relationships take work. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s incredibly hard. It is up to us to choose how we want to act, think and speak in a relationship.

9. Perspective Is a Beautiful Thing

Typically, when we’re worried or upset, it’s because we’ve lost perspective. Everything that is happening in our lives seems so big, so important, so do or die, but in the grand picture, this single hiccup often means next to nothing.

The fight we’re having, the job we didn’t get, the real or imagined slight, the unexpected need to shift course, the thing we wanted, but didn’t get. Most of it won’t matter 20, 30, 40 years from now. It’s hard to see long term when all you know is short term, but unless it’s life-threatening, let it go, and move on.

10. Don’t Take Anything for Granted

We often don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone: that includes your health, your family and friends, your job, the money you have or think you will have tomorrow.

When you’re young, it seems that your parents will always be there, but they won’t. You think you have plenty of time to get back in touch with your old friends or spend time with new ones, but you don’t. You have the money to spend, or you think you’ll have it next month, but you might not.

Nothing in your life is not guaranteed to be there tomorrow, including those you love.

This is a hard life lesson to learn, but it may be the most important of all: Life can change in an instant. Make sure you appreciate what you have, while you still have it.

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Featured photo credit: Ben Eaton via unsplash.com

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