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Why It’s Harder to Make Friends After 40 (and How to Combat the Odds)

Why It’s Harder to Make Friends After 40 (and How to Combat the Odds)

No matter how old you are, it’s always a little challenging to make friends. When you reach middle-age, however, it can be super daunting. Not only do you face the typical hangups that people have (i.e. fears of what others will think of them), but you add to it a lifetime of having friends come and go from your life.

Does making friends in your 40’s, 50’s or 60’s have to be intimidating and scary?

It doesn’t have to be, but we should look at some of the reasons why it’s difficult and consider how to overcome them. Here are the top 17 reasons why it’s hard to make friends after 40.

1. People are busy with their family.

Probably the top reason why it’s difficult to make friends after your 40’s is that by that point in their lives, most people have other commitments.

People in their 40’s typically have older children (i.e. teenagers) and those children tend to require a lot of time. So, unless you are involved in the same things those parents are involved in, it can be extremely difficult finding people your age to socialize with.

One way to overcome this hurdle is to volunteer to do things that these families are into. If the parents of teens are taking their kids to sports and other social events, then volunteer to coach or help out at those events.

You may feel weird doing that at first (especially if you don’t have kids), but when you get involved those feelings will dissipate.

2. People’s social circles rarely change after 30.

Studies have shown that, when people reach their 30’s, they start to value quality friendships over quantity.[1] Once their social circles dwindle, people settle for fewer friendships.

As an outsider to those social circles, you may find it more intimidating to “break in” to an already established social circle.

The best way to deal with this is to join clubs or activities that match your personality and interests. Find a common reason to come together with these people, and you’ll open the door to more quality friendships.

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3. Higher levels of individualism.

Existing quantitative research suggests that people are becoming increasingly individualistic, materialistic, and narcissistic.[2] Millennials are upending many of the social trends of the past because of this sense of individualism. People are spending more and more time online and, thus, keeping to themselves.

One way to address this issue is to find your own sense of individualism. Know thyself. Learn to be happy on your own so that you don’t come across as clingy in social interactions.

4. Lack of education on friendship and social skills.

If you look online, there are many blogs for helping people find relationships, but there are few that address making friends. The advice that one might give to make better relationships does not necessarily apply to making better friendships.

One of the best resources for making friends is a timeless classic: How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Or you can learn from the tips here:

14 Ways to Find Good Friends No Matter What Your Age

5. When you’re older, it takes more than one thing in common to make friends.

When you were a kid, it was much easier to make friends. You tended to gravitate towards anybody who had anything in common with you. If you played football, most of your friends were probably football players. If you were a cheerleader, most of your friends were probably part of your cheer squad.

Now that you’re older, you realize that compatibility is important in any type of social relationship. This is why the best plan of action is to join clubs and volunteer for things you care about. This allows you to socialize with people who care about the same things you do.

6. Fear of reaching out to others.

There’s a certain type of pride that keeps us from reaching out to others when we need them. We are afraid of rejection, and we fear the judgment of others.

Here are three ways to overcome that fear:[3]

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  1. Rewire your brain by reading and listening to motivational material.
  2. Have a plan for those times you fear the most (i.e. a lull in the conversation).
  3. Set the goal to talk to at least one new person every day.

7. You have nothing to talk about.

This is typically a sign that you need to spice up your life. If you have little to talk about, it may be time to address the reasons for that. Have you been so focused on work that you have forgotten how to enjoy your life?

It’s also helpful to understand that you don’t have to be constantly talking to enjoy someone’s company. When you’re hanging with the right people, you can comfortably share silence.

8. People are more set in their ways.

According to psychologists, people don’t change much beyond their 30’s.[4] This could mean that, if you’ve spent a significant portion of your adult life alone or without friends, it may be tougher to make friends in your 40’s.

You can still break that mold. In fact, you can reinvent yourself in any way that you want.

Start by making small changes in your life. Change the way you drive to work. Do something you wouldn’t normally do. Keep your mind open to new possibilities and reach for them whenever you can.

9. You aren’t making yourself available to others.

How often do people invite you to do things and you tell them no? You won’t make new friends if you don’t embrace new opportunities.

Start saying yes to these invites, even if you don’t particularly like the person who is inviting you. This will open you up to new opportunities which will inevitably lead to making new friends.

10. You don’t have enough money to do things.

If you are living paycheck to paycheck, it can be super frustrating when people want to do stuff that costs money. You don’t want to impose on them or sponge off of them, but you also don’t want to turn down opportunities to socialize.

Learn to make a budget. When you pay off a bill, earmark some of that new income for social purposes. Dump it into a savings account and only use it for social occasions.

11. Your social skills are rusty.

If you haven’t been out for a while, you may feel like your social skills are rusty. You may have never really had much of a social life to begin with. Whatever your situation, there’s only one way to overcome it.

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You have to be willing to fail and look foolish. You have to be willing to take chances. The only way to sharpen your social skills is to practice in real social situations. Consider using a group like meetup.com to help sharpen your social skills.

12. Digital interaction makes it harder to socialize in real life.

According to research, we typically can only handle about 150 friends at any given time.[5] This includes your online social network. Perhaps to supplement your lack of social interaction, you’ve inserted yourself into various online communities. These communities are taking up that space in your brain.

Scale back your online presence and start weening yourself off of social media. You don’t have to quit entirely, but you need to set some limitations on how much of your life it consumes.

At first this will feel strange, and your levels of loneliness may increase. But that is a temporary feeling that will give you the fuel needed to go make friends in the real world.

13. You find fault in everybody you meet.

Maybe you are sabotaging your potential friendships. Perhaps you are having trouble making friends in or after your 40’s because you have spent most of your adult life pushing people away.

Do you have some trauma in your past? Have you been burned by friendships in the past?

Take some time to self-evaluate. Address the issues that have you pushing people away or finding fault in others. Go to a therapist and work through these issues with someone who is trained to help people.

14. You’re trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again.

This goes hand-in-hand with the previous reason. If you’ve had a friendship go sour in the past, you’re going to be skittish about making new friends. We fear repeating the pain of a past failed relationship whether it be romantic or otherwise.

This is another thing to work through with a therapist. Be willing to take new risks or your attempts to make new friends are over before you start.

15. Your time is limited.

Perhaps you are too busy to make new friends. Maybe you’re forced to work two jobs and manage all of the other responsibilities in your life. If this is the case, then you need to analyze what is dominating your time and why.

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Make a list of the things you have to do in a week. Maybe you’re living beyond your means. The best way to save time and money is to downsize your life so that you can free up resources for other pursuits.

16. The older you are, the more difficult it is to get excited about spending time with people you don’t know.

When you’re young, much of the excitement of doing things is in the fact that it’s the first time you are doing them. When you reach your 40’s, there’s little that you can do that you haven’t already experienced.

I challenge you to see the world through fresh eyes. Practice changing your perspective on things. Listen to stand up comedy, podcasts, and audio-books that uplift you and shift your view of the world.

Many times a lack of excitement comes from being stuck in the same patterns for too long. It’s time to shake things up a bit and make some changes.

17. Your life isn’t as interesting as it was when you were in your 20’s.

Your 20’s are usually about discovering yourself and trying new things. Your social circle is usually as big as it’s going to get because you have so many irons in the fire. As you get older, things start to settle into a routine.

We are creatures of habit, and that habit can make our lives boring. The best way to change your perspective and make your life more interesting is to travel to new places. When you are remaking your budget, open up a category for travel.

The bottom line

Making friends in your 40’s can be intimidating and scary. Your goal is to make it an adventure. See it as a new challenge and begin tackling the reasons you’ve pulled away from people.

This will make your life (and you) more interesting. Don’t be afraid to take a risk. Your new life awaits!

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

James Leatherman

The founder of Happymindsets.com and is passionate about personal growth, psychology, philosophy and science

13 Methods of Anxiety Relief that Don’t Require a Prescription How to Use the Learning Style Quiz to Accelerate Your Learning What an MBTI Personality Test Can Reveal About Your Relationships Why It’s Harder to Make Friends After 40 (and How to Combat the Odds) 13 Crippling Social Anxiety Symptoms Explained & How to Deal with Them

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Last Updated on April 8, 2021

How to Improve Intimacy in Your Marriage and Rekindle the Passion

How to Improve Intimacy in Your Marriage and Rekindle the Passion

When two people get married, they never seem to anticipate the struggles that frequently arise as time goes on. In the beginning, it’s easy to have passion and intimacy for each other. But for many couples, this passion and intimacy in marriage tend to wane the longer they are together.

But it doesn’t have to. You can have a healthy, loving marriage that is full of intimacy. It’s not always easy, but it can be done if you both commit to making it happen.

But what is intimacy? How do we define it? Most people probably think of sexuality when they hear the word “intimacy.” But it is so much more than that. So, first, let’s take a look at the different kinds of intimacy.

Types of Intimacy

Believe it or not, the best kinds of marriages have strong connections in all of these areas of intimacy. So, pay special attention to them so you can learn how to foster these types in your marriage.

Physical

Physical intimacy isn’t necessarily about sex. Instead, it’s about holding hands, hugging, snuggling, and spooning in bed at night. Touch creates and maintains emotional bonds outside of the bedroom.

Hugs and holding each other close facilitates your brains into releasing bonding chemicals called Oxytocin.[1] The more you nurture your physical intimacy, the closer you will feel.

Sexual

This type of intimacy is obvious—having a good, healthy sex life. Now, everyone has their own individual sex drives. So, this is something that should be negotiated in terms of frequency and type of sexual interaction you both prefer. Regardless, the chemicals that are released during sexual acts do bond a couple together.

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Emotional

Feeling close to your spouse on an emotional level is also vital to a happy marriage. Saying “I love you” or doing nice things for them is what keeps you both emotionally bonded. If you don’t have that, then you will tend to drift apart.

There are many ways you can pay attention to your partner’s emotional needs. For reference, you can read about Dr. Gary Chapman’s work on love languages. He suggests there are five different ways that people express love: giving gifts, spending time together, physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service.[2] Discovering each other’s love language will keep you emotionally intimate.

Intellectual

Most people probably don’t think of intellect as something you would put in the same category as “intimacy.” However, it’s very much a part of the whole package.

Do you both like to engage in intellectual conversations? Because if one of you only wants to talk about the weather and the other wants to explore the possibilities of quantum physics, then it is very difficult to be intellectually intimate.

Spiritual

Not everyone is religious or spiritual. Some people are even atheists. But having a similar spiritual outlook on life definitely bonds two people. For example, someone who is a deeply devout Catholic would probably have a hard time being spiritually intimate with an atheist.

It’s important to talk about your spiritual beliefs and be accepting of each other, even if you are different. The belief in a higher power is something that can bond any couple.

Why Is Intimacy Important in Marriage?

Many people think that when you get married, that’s when you can just sit back and enjoy the ride. But many times, that’s when the real effort needs to begin. And while it would be great if intimacy always stayed natural and easy, for many couples, it isn’t the case.

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Let’s face it—most of us were not taught how to nurture intimacy in our relationships. If we got lucky, we saw our parents do it. But for many people, that wasn’t the case.

Intimacy keeps couples bonded. It’s the glue that holds people together. That’s why it’s crucial that you don’t ever lose sight of constantly enriching the intimacy in your marriage.

So, let’s talk about the reasons why you should continually work to strengthen your intimacy in marriage.

1. It Improves Communication

When you feel distant and disconnected from your spouse, it’s difficult for people to talk and share their feelings. But the problem is that it becomes a snowball effect—the less intimate you are, the less you communicate. And the less you communicate, the less intimate you become.

2. It Builds Trust

When you are not physically or emotionally intimate, it can lead to you wondering what they are doing “behind your back.” Not that they are necessarily cheating, but the feelings of uncertainty can lead to mistrust. That’s why it’s important to stay intimate, so you can keep trusting each other.

3. It Allows You to Open Up More Emotionally

It’s not easy for everyone to share their feelings. Doing so makes people feel vulnerable, and that can be a scary or uncomfortable place for many people. But when you’re feeling intimate with your spouse, it’s easier to open up about how you really feel.

4. It Promotes Teamwork

Marriage is teamwork, but if you are not intimate, then sometimes each spouse eventually “does their own thing.” When this happens, you will inevitably drift apart and become nothing but roommates. But being intimate will reinforce our feelings of being a part of a team together.

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How to Rekindle the Passion and Intimacy With Your Spouse

If you find that you and your spouse are struggling with intimacy issues, don’t give up! Nothing is ever lost that can’t be found and re-created. It just takes some effort, but it is definitely worth it in the long run.

1. Have Sex (or Have Sex More Often)

As I mentioned earlier, sexual contact is not only fun, but it also releases chemicals in your brains that literally bond you together. So, even if your life is busy, make sure that you find the time to have sex—or just do it more often if you already have an active sex life.

2. Touch Each Other Non-Sexually

Granted, not everyone is a touchy-feely kind of person. However, just as sex bonds you, so does non-sexual touch. So, don’t forget to hold each other’s hands or cuddle up on the couch while you’re watching a movie together.

3. Do Things Together

It might sound obvious, but you need to spend time together if you want to rekindle passion and intimacy in marriage! If you’ve been together for a long time, it’s easy to just get into a rut and not do anything fun together. Whether it’s going on a hike or cooking dinner at home together, doing activities together strengthens your bond.

4. Have Deep Conversations

Many couples that don’t spend a lot of time together also don’t do much talking—and I don’t mean the mundane kind of talking like “what did the kids do today” or “what’s for dinner tonight?” It’s important to engage in some meaningful, deeper conversations about life.

5. Step Out of Your Routines

Some people are creatures of habit—in fact, many are. While it’s normal to get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch TV, and then go to bed, that routine doesn’t foster a lot of intimacy. So, make it an intention to try new things and get out of your everyday habits.

6. Have Regular Date Nights

You can spend time together like I just mentioned above, but not all activities you do together will be romantic. So, make sure you have regular date nights. Buy her some flowers, and do something romantic for him. It’s important to keep the romance alive, and regular date nights will definitely help you do just that.

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7. Put Away Your Phones

While technology can be very useful in our everyday lives, it can also get in the way of a couple’s intimacy. Think about it—if you are always on your phone or anticipating when someone will text you or what the latest happenings are on social media, you will be ignoring your partner. So, keep technology use to a minimum when you two are together.

8. Write Each Other Love Letters

At the beginning of relationships, it’s easy to express why you love your partner. But sometimes, as the years roll by, people forget to do the “little things.” You could write a love letter or leave post-it notes around your house with special messages to each other. That way, you will be constantly reminded of your love for one another.

Can a Marriage Survive Without Intimacy?

Many people ponder this question. If you have been in a marriage for a long time but you don’t have a lot of intimacy, can it last? Well, the answer is different for every couple. However, the general answer is this: yes and no.

Sure, you can stay together forever, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy if there’s no intimacy. I guess it just depends on what your tolerance level of non-intimacy is. But the happiest couples are definitely the ones who have a deep sense of intimacy with each other, so that’s why it’s worth the effort to re-create and maintain it—so you can truly ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

More Tips on Strengthening a Marriage

Featured photo credit: Sharon McCutcheon via unsplash.com

Reference

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