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What A Gentleman Is Really Thinking Today

What A Gentleman Is Really Thinking Today

The definition of a gentleman has changed since it was first introduced back in the 12th Century. No longer is it just about a man who combines gentle birth or rank with chivalrous qualities and conduct which conforms to a high standard of propriety or correct behavior.

Today, it describes men of any social class or condition —often used in a courteous reference. What men say may not always reflect what they are really thinking. What they do can tell us more. But what they are really thinking is revealed over time.

First, let’s examine two common colloquial applications of the word gentleman and decide if it means what we think it means.

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“Gentlemen Prefer Blonds”

Anita Loos wrote a 1925 novel that was the basis for this 1928 movie and 1949 musical but the story actually supports the notion that it’s not the hair color but the character of the woman that gains “preferential” treatment.

“Gentlemen’s Clubs”

The history of Gentlemen’s Clubs started as a members-only private club of a type originally set up by and for British upper class men in the 18th century, and popularized by English upper-middle class men and women in the late 19th century and early 20th century. Now, some clubs are more accommodating about the gender and social status of their members. Many countries outside the United Kingdom have prominent gentlemen’s clubs.

Today, gentlemen’s clubs in the United States remain more prevalent in older cities, especially those on the East Coast. Only 12 American cities have five or more existing clubs: Atlanta, Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, Denver, Los Angeles, New Orleans, New York City, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Seattle, and Washington, D.C. New York City contains more than any other American city. The Yale Club of New York City, comprising a clubhouse of 22 stories and a worldwide membership of over 11,000, is the largest traditional gentlemen’s club in the world.[7]

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In the United States, the term “gentlemen’s club” commonly is used to refer euphemistically to strip clubs. As a result, traditional gentlemen’s clubs often are referred to as “men’s clubs” or “city clubs” (as opposed to country clubs) or simply as “private social clubs” or just “private clubs”.

Today’s society has created many stereotypes for men. The movie and the video industries have done a fantastic job exploiting these stereotypes for profit. So how do real gentlemen in today’s society cut through all of this clutter and confusion to embrace their own true identity?

Today’s Gentleman

Justin Timberlake released his 2013 single Suit & Tie and emphasized the idea of men taking pride in their appearance and harken back to the original image of the English upper-middle class male. Although the lyrics are definitely pop-culture-strong (with Jay-Z’s collaboration), it does suggest a marriage in the third verse of the song lyrics. So it’s not easy to see what someone who looks like a gentleman is really thinking even in a 2013 popular video.

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Two Lifehack articles (authored by very perceptive women)  list many qualities that today’s gentleman embody. Please enjoy the insights of Ariel C. Williams and  Tegan Jones and see if you agree with them.

They say that most intelligent men understand that women like to have romance in a relationship. Appearance, behavior, and language can all express romance.

But intent drives them all. A real gentleman values their relationships and they know who they are and what values are important to them. Trying to impress or “romance” a women by telling them what they want to hear without really meaning it is no gentleman at all.

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A gentleman is all about the relationship. Women are equal and different in their eyes. Respect for life is all-important and every child that is conceived by a gentleman will be fathered by that gentleman for the rest of his life. He can be a friend to a women without wanting a sexual encounter with her. He understands the strength needed to be patient, kind, empathetic, intelligent, firm, and loyal.

He also can easily say three things without hesitation and when appropriate:

  1. “I’m sorry” (I guess I am human after all.)
  2. “I changed my mind” (…now that I know more about this.)
  3. “I was wrong” (What was I thinking?)

So a man in a tux may look like a gentleman, walk like a gentleman, talk like a gentleman, and even act like a gentleman (go here for 10 things a gentleman does). But all of those may not reveal his true intent. So just ask him about it and if he is a true gentleman, he will answer with sincerity and excitement. Your conversation from that point on should be truly amazing!

Featured photo credit: Man kissing womans hand via shutterstock.com

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Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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