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Four Ways To Be More Confident And Get What You Want

Four Ways To Be More Confident And Get What You Want

People have often told me that I seem to always get what I want. I quip back that it’s because I usually want what I get; but there is more to it than that. The more I sharpen my skills at achieving goals and the more I learn how to be more confident, the more prepared I am to get what I want. Read on for some tips to help you get better at getting what you want and feeling confident along the way.

Know what you want, not what you don’t want.

If you decide to go on a vacation but you pull out a map and say, “I don’t want to go to Delaware, I don’t want to go to Wyoming, I don’t want to go to Idaho…” and so on, you will never get anywhere. To make the vacation happen you need to choose where you will go, who you want to go with, how you will get there and other criteria. Research shows that a person is more likely to achieve a goal that is stated in the positive over a goal that is negatively stated.

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Know yourself.

There are three key questions that you should ask yourself when you are trying to get what you want and feel confident about it. The first question would be, “Is what I want under my control?” What is your sphere of influence with regard to your goal? In couples counseling, I heard one spouse tell me that they wanted their significant other to be more happy. My response was, “You can’t have that.” Sure we all want our loved ones to be happy but we really have no control over their insides. So I asked the person, “What would it do for you if your spouse was more happy?” And the answer surprised them; “I would be more happy.” “Now that is a goal that is within your control,” I replied. Make sure what you want is under your control and that you do not have to rely on anyone else to get it.

The second question is, “How will I know when I achieve this goal?” Make sure this answer is not a fluff answer but one solidly recognizable to your eyes, ears, nose and touch. I once asked a friend who was going through a crisis, “What do you want to have happen through all of this?” They told me, “I want to come out of this a better person.” While it was a worthy goal, it was severely undefined. Better how? Better in what contexts? When could better actually be worse? As I asked these questions and others that put skin on the outcome, he was almost able to taste the final product. As a result, he felt more confident about attaining it.

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The third question has to do with ecology. Not the “go green for the planet kind” but a concern for how having this outcome will impact you and those around you. I heard a story about a life coach who was approached by a client just before his skiing trip to Colorado. Her client wanted to learn ways to be more confident as he was skiing. Being “helpful” she pulled out some of the best tricks in her bag so that he would feel confident as he flew down those slick, crisp, white slopes. The problem is, he came back with a broken collar bone and a cracked ankle. He was a novice skier taking on a slope that was beyond his skill level. Unfortunately, he and his life coach did not go over crucial ecology questions that would have revealed that the client first needed to gain competency before he got to feel confidence. Look at the downsides to your outcome and address those before you proceed.

Plan the steps and calculate what they will cost you.

You have heard the cliches no doubt: Rome wasn’t built in a day. Eat an elephant one bite at a time, etc. The truth is, anything is possible when broken down into small enough steps. When you conceptualize the steps to achieving your goal and you think about the resources you will need to get there, you put yourself in a position to take risks that actually make sense. Not only that, you have reduced the fear of the unknown to a controllable volume that will make it a resource for you. Yes, fear is a resource. It causes us to pause and re-think our strategies, our commitment, and our resources. When you deal with the fear, you come out more prepared and confident.

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Stay flexible and settle for more than what you wanted.

Flexibility is the key to getting what you want and feeling confident about it. If you have something that you really do want, you know you have the influence to get it, you will recognize it once you have achieved it, it won’t get you into trouble having it, and you have the resources to get it, then you have a green light to throw everything into this goal with one caution–do not get attached to how you achieve it. You may think the final outcome will look exactly like you first imagined it and you will have achieved it exactly according to plan. Not always so. Sometimes the universe has it’s own influence in your plan and you have to adjust the course.

If you run into obstacles, use them as an opportunity to take a step back and reevaluate: Is this outcome worth having? Can I still control it? Do I have enough resources or do I need to go outside of myself for help? Is the goal shaping up differently and is the end product still what I want but in a different form? Am I now aware of consequences to having this goal that I was not aware of before? What will having this outcome do for me? If after these questions you still have a green light, it is worthwhile to push forward through the obstacle with confidence and tenacity. If you cannot answer all of them to your satisfaction it may be a sign to start all over with a new outcome at a different level.

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Last Updated on November 5, 2018

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

We’ve all got our enemies; people who take pleasure in causing us pain and misery. Sometimes, the development of an enemy is due to certain differences in your characters and events have led to that. Other times, some people end up hating you for apparently no reason at all.

Regardless of how you got this enemy, as opposed to the paradigm of fighting fire with fire, consider the following reasons and see why you should actually appreciate your enemies. This article will show you not only how to not be bothered by your enemies, but how to actually foster love for them.

Read on to learn the secret.

1. It’s a practical lesson in anger management

To be honest, your enemies are the best people to help you understand your sense of anger management. When it might be true that your enemies have a way of bringing out the worst in you as regards anger, it is also true that they can help you in your quest to have that anger managed. You can’t get truly angry at someone you love and it is only in that time when you get truly annoyed that you learn how to manage it.

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Anger management is more effective when it is in practice and not in theory

Your enemies are like the therapists who you need, but actually don’t want. Inasmuch as you might want to hate them, they provide you an opportunity to control the anger impulse that you have.

2. It’s an opportunity for healthy competition

You might not know it, but your enemies make for great rivals as they help harness the competitor in you (sometimes, you might not even know or bee conversant with this competitive side until you come across an adversary). You get the right motivation to compete and this can go a long way to spur you to victory.

However, while doing so, it is also essential that you remember not to become a worse version of yourself while competing. Working against an adversary is tricky, and you need to ensure that you don’t cause harm to yourself or your morals in the process. Healthy competition is all you need to get out of this.

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3. Their negative comments can help you make a breakthrough

It is true that your enemies never really have much good to say about you. However, in as much as they might be talking out of a place of hate, there might be some truth to what they’re saying.

To wit, whenever you hear something mean or nasty from an enemy, you might want to take a step back and evaluate yourself. There is a chance that what this enemy is saying is true and coming to face that fact is a major step in helping you to become a better person overall. This is another testament to the fact that enemies can be therapists in their own way.

4. Enemies can also be powerful allies

Loving your enemies can also mean making an effort to interact and make peace with them. In the end, if you are able to establish some common ground and patch things up, you’ll have succeeded in making another friend. And who doesn’t need friends?

This can also help you in working with people in the long run. You get to hone your inter-personal skills, and that can be a big plus to your ledger.

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5. It gives you the ability to realize positivity

In a multitude of negativity, a speck of positivity always seems to find its way through.

Sometimes, a knowledge of the fact that you have enemies will also help you to focus on the many positives and good things that are in your life. A lot of times, we neglect what really matters in life. This can be due to being overly concerned with the enemies we have.

However, it is also possible for this acknowledgement to spur you to take a step back and appreciate the goo things (and people who surround you).

6. There might just be a misunderstanding

Sometimes, the reason why you have an enemy might be something very innocuous. You might not have known the cause of this fractured relationship and your enemy will help complete the picture.

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Simply approaching them will help you to understand the reason for the fracture. This, in turn, can help you to work towards healing your relationship moving forward. Misunderstandings happen, and you need to be able to work around them.

7. You learn to appreciate love as well

A constant reminder of the fact that there are enemies will also help you not to take those who love you for granted. Love and hate are two opposing emotions and it is possible for one to momentarily overshadow the other.

However, while you’ll always have enemies, there will also always be people who love you. These people need to be appreciated for what they do for you. Never let the hate projected to you from your enemies take the place of that.

8. Do you really need the hate?

The truth is that enemies bring only toxic emotions and generate bad reactions from you. If you’re truly to live a prosperous life, you can’t really be carrying all this baggage around.

Hate is bad and you should try all you can to get rid of it. It is a well-known fact that nobody can get really far in life while carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Well, hate is the biggest form of emotional baggage there is.

Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com

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