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Last Updated on May 7, 2020

How to Be a Better Lover and Spice Up Your Relationship

How to Be a Better Lover and Spice Up Your Relationship

There are many differences between males and females, especially when it comes to sex, but one thing that can bring us together or drive us apart is the experience we have with our lover. The effects of an unfulfilling sexual experience are felt by both partners and can slowly undermine the very fabric that holds a relationship together.

In this article, I’ll share essential keys for how to be a better lover, both inside and outside the bedroom.

Many people think being a better lover[1] is just about sex, but that’s not the case. It’s about emotional as well as sexual connection, and it’s also about attraction, which needs to last the duration of the relationship. In fact, loss of attraction is a common problem among couples who fail to keep up their “A” game (note: “A” is for Attraction!).

How you interact with your partner outside the bedroom and how you present yourself as a person all have an effect on the level of attraction, intimacy, and closeness you can enjoy. If you want to be a better lover, it’s important to start here.

While sexual technique is an essential piece of the puzzle, if you feel disconnected on a mental or emotional level, then all desire for sexual intimacy with a partner can be lost.

We’ve all heard the generalization that males feel emotionally connected with their partner through a satisfying sexual connection and that females feel more open to and able to enjoy sexual intimacy with their partner when they feel emotionally connected.

However, when there is an impediment to connecting emotionally or sexually, either or both partners may begin to question their reason for being in a relationship with their partner.

How to Be a Better Lover Outside the Bedroom

Being a better lover starts outside the bedroom. It’s important to take a good look at what your relationship looks like on a daily basis. Try the following to get an idea of how you’re doing.

1. Focus on the Good

At the start of a relationship, we are focused on the best in ourselves and in our partner. We are constantly presenting the best version of ourselves and are completely focused on the best attributes of our partner. Unsurprisingly, this attracts our partner to us and makes us feel attractive and good about ourselves.

When we’re feeling good, we tend to focus on the best outcome, and life is rosy. This is also known as the Honeymoon phase of a relationship.

The Honeymoon happens because we are focused on the best. Physiologically, this type of focus triggers those wonderful, happy hormones we all enjoy, such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins.

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What we focus on attracts more of the related hormones.

Problems arise as we become accustomed to one another and secure in our partner’s love. As this happens, we can start becoming complacent, which can eventually undermine attraction and our partner’s overall desire for us.

We may put less effort into dressing nicely — or we only dress up to go out in public. We’re less tidy. We might complain more often. We don’t deal with those unresolved issues that may have led to the demise of previous relationships. We fall back into annoying habits and behaviors and also notice more of those in our partner.

We may even start becoming overwhelmed by the emotional reactions, which are constantly triggered by our thoughts and lack of corrective action.

Simply put, we are no longer focused on the best. And by focusing on what annoys or depresses us, we are constantly triggering stress hormones. Unlike happy hormones, these feel really uncomfortable and can lead to a downward spiral of negative thoughts, which often have negative consequences.

Emotional tension is not only felt by us; it has a radiating and repelling effect on everyone around us.

When we have an apparent lack of desire to make an effort inside and outside the bedroom, it communicates a lack of love and respect to our partner. This leads to further complications.

The less effort we put in ourselves, the less effort our partner will feel inclined to put into themselves, us. and our relationship.

They may even start believing that they cannot make us happy. This is when many relationships start breaking down.

2. Be Responsible for How You Feel

I’ve counseled many individuals and couples over the years for sex, intimacy, and emotional connection issues, and it’s surprising how often a partner will think they are responsible for their partner’s happiness.

Yes, our behaviors and actions can contribute to a partner’s satisfaction or dissatisfaction, which is why it’s so important to lift our own “A” game, as that will inspire our partner to lift theirs.

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But how we feel comes down to a few simple things we can be in charge of.

Dressing nicely to feel good about ourselves, making the most of what we’ve been given, taking charge of resolving sexual function issues in ourselves, and supporting and encouraging a partner to resolve theirs, being appreciative of our partner and all that we are creating in our life… these are all restorative actions that enhance how we feel.

It’s up to us to reprogram our reality. Remember that every action has an opposite and equal reaction.

If we’re focused on what’s wrong, what might go wrong, or our partner’s annoying habits, is that going to make us feel good, motivate us to lift our own game, and be that better version of ourselves? No, of course not. It’s going to be depressing at the very least.

To be a better lover, we need to be predominantly focused on the thoughts and actions that create the best outcomes for all, so we’re happier within ourselves and more engaging to be around. Yes, we will fall down from time to time, but that’s part of being human.

However, how long we stay down is up to us.

How to Be a Better Lover in the Bedroom

Once you’re able to improve your relationship outside the bedroom, move inside to work on the problems you may be finding there.

1. Deal with Intimacy and Sexual Function Issues

Now that we’ve dealt with outside the bedroom, it’s time to focus on upgrading our intimacy skills. I previously mentioned sexual function issues. These affect the vast majority of the world’s population. By combining statistics from a number of sexual intimacy studies[2], we can see that close to 80% of people are affected in some way by sexual dysfunction.

Sexual function issues, such as not being able to orgasm, problems reaching orgasm, vaginal dryness in women, and premature (early) ejaculation, erectile dysfunction (loss of erection hardness), and being unable to ejaculate all cause a lot of tension and stress inside and outside the bedroom.

These issues generally occur due to a lack of relevant sex education knowledge, such as what to focus on and when. I previously spoke about how our focus affects our outcomes. If we’re focused on the wrong thing at the wrong time during sex, then our brain is going to be confused as to what we want, and this will result in one or more of the above sexual “malfunctions.”

How does this relate to being a better lover?

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Many people go through life hopeful that these issues will suddenly resolve themselves and sex will become a fulfilling event. This is seldom the case because the person continues to apply the wrong action, hoping for a different result.

These issues can also result in failed relationships as a partner may look elsewhere for satisfaction. While this is a hard pill to swallow, it happens a lot. If we have a problem, we need to deal with it so it doesn’t contaminate our relationship and possibly cause challenges to our own mental and emotional health.

When we are distracted by a sexual function issue, there is very little emotional connection because we are focused on the problem and when it will (or will not) happen. This can lead to our partner questioning our desirability as a partner.

When sex is too hard (no pun intended) all attraction can be lost[3].

I’m speaking from my own personal experience here. I fact, it was the reason I got into this line of work. I am passionate about helping solve sexual dysfunction in both men and women because I know how prevalent it is and how it can negatively affect relationships and people’s self esteem.

Which leads me to my next point. Sex is about both partners, not just about one.

2. Care About Your Partner’s Experience as Much as Your Own

This is always great advice. However, you need to balance your sexual focus or this will cause problems. For instance, when a male focuses too much of his attention on giving his partner foreplay, it can cause him to lose his hard erection. A female partner overly focused on the emotional connection she feels with her partner during sex may render her unable to reach orgasm.

Even focusing on a couples’ spiritual connection can cause problems during intimacy[4] because their brains aren’t receiving signals relevant to completing the sexual act.

These are common problems people face when they are trying to be a better lover.

3. Don’t Spend So Much Time Stressing Over Sexual Function

Being a better lover requires corrective actions to resolve those sexual function issues which undermine our ability to truly connect with a partner.

Why? Because these issues continually eat away at both partners, lowering libidos and causing emotional and sexual frustration.

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For example, a woman who is unable to reach orgasm during intercourse is completely distracted during intercourse. Her partner can feel her disconnection and may start imagining she no longer loves or is attracted to them. This can lead to a weak erection or early ejaculation issue (in a male), which further compounds their intimacy issues.

While she may have consoled herself with the fact that she can sometimes orgasm during foreplay, she may not realize the stress this puts on her partner as he or she struggles to perform so that she may feel fulfilled sexually.

It’s hard work when your partner takes 20 minutes or more to reach an orgasm, especially for a male partner who has to remain hard as well as in control for this duration.

From the other perspective, a male who ejaculates early[5] is often judged by his partner as being selfish. Usually, he is simply noticing how arousing his partner is and how much they turn him on! Conversely, a male who cannot ejaculate is usually overly focused on his partner and not signalling to his brain that it’s time to orgasm.

What I’m saying is that these issues are frequently misunderstood. Sometimes it’s the misunderstanding itself that causes a relationship to break down.

4. Listen More

Everything we think, say, and do has an impact on how we feel. This is especially important in relationships as all of our actions also have a direct effect on our partner. To be a better lover, we need to be a better listener.

When we don’t give our partner our full attention, we tend not to hear beyond the surface of what is being said, and this causes problems, especially when they are requesting an important change.

It is said that the majority of communication[6] is non-verbal, and when we’re distracted we miss all those clues which demonstrate the importance of an issue.

This can lead to many drawn-out arguments where both partners blame each other for not understanding, whereas if the partner had fully listened and taken corrective action, that particular argument wouldn’t be occurring.

There’s nothing worse than feeling accused of something we feel we haven’t done, yet if we truly listen to our partner, we can realize what is being asked of us.

Final Thoughts

Being a better lover requires being the best version of ourselves. This means stepping up as an individual as well as actively listening and resolving the issues that are causing conflict in our life and relationships.

More Tips on Being a Better Lover

Featured photo credit: Toa Heftiba via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Jacqui Olliver

Psychosexual Relationship Specialist

3 Simple Signs of a Strong and Healthy Relationship 3 Signs of a Failing Marriage (And How to Deal With It) How to Be a Better Lover and Spice Up Your Relationship How to Make Long Distance Relationships Work for You Why Boundaries in Marriage Are Good for Your Relationship

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Last Updated on September 28, 2020

30 Powerful Success and Failure Quotes That Will Lead You to Success

30 Powerful Success and Failure Quotes That Will Lead You to Success

No one can live a positive life without failing. However, many people experience a fear of failure, despite its inevitability in life. Failure, as you will see from these 30 success and failure quotes, is the key ingredient for the recipe of success!

Today’s society is obsessed with success and achievement, and failure is definitely NOT part of the equation. Failure and making mistakes is hidden away or seen as a human weakness.

However, if you avoid making mistakes in life, struggle to do everything right, and are obsessed with perfection and order, then living and experiencing a successful and happy life is going to be impossible.

Embrace your failure, whether it is one failure or many failures, because with the right attitude and a willingness to learn from your mistakes, you are guaranteed a lifetime of success. Here are some uplifting quotes about failure and success to help you get started.

1. “Never let success get to your head; never let failure get to your heart.” -Anonymous

This quote is important for those of us who feel downtrodden after every failure, heartbroken, if you will. If you let failure get you down for more than a couple of days, you’re wasting away your chance to bounce back from it.

On the other hand, if you allow yourself to build an inflated ego after every success, future failures may be even harder to cope with. Maintain a sense of humility and gratitude for each success and failure you find.

2. “Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie?” -Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe is spot on with this one. The first person who should be there to catch you when you fall is you. You have to be your own best advocate, the person to build you up when it feels like everything is going wrong. The others in your support system are just icing on the cake.

3. “You always pass failure on your way to success.” -Mickey Rooney

In today’s competitive world, it’s hard to understand that almost no one experiences failure before they experience genuine, lasting success. Failure is what forces you to learn in order to achieve that goal you’ve been working up to.

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4. “Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.” -Chinese proverb

Everyone falls. Those who refuse to pick themselves back up, no matter if it’s after two days or two years, are the true failures.

5. “Successful people don’t fear failure but understand that it’s necessary to learn and grow from.” -Robert Kiyosaki

There are many success and failure quotes on this idea, and that’s because it’s so very important. Learning doesn’t happen when things are easy. It happens when things get tough and you have to find a way through challenges.

6. “The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won’t. It’s whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.” -Barack Obama

No one can escape failure. If you let it keep you down and shying away from achieving your goals, you’ve failed again. If you learn from it and continue on your path toward greatness, it wasn’t a true failure but a lesson.

7. “Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.” -Og Mandion

Determination is one of the best antidotes to failure. Even if you take two steps forward and one step back, you’re still moving forward with grit and determination. Keep going!

8. “Fear regret more than failure.” -Taryn Rose

At the end of your life, what do you think you’ll feel worst about, failing or never trying?

9. “Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” -Nelson Mandela

If anyone has enough insight to offer us success and failure quotes, it’s Nelson Mandela. He learned that that path to success (and freedom) is full of setbacks. His determination, however, led him to make amazing changes in the world around him. Now that’s success.

10. “The secret of life is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” -Paulo Coelho

Each time you get back up, it will get easier and easier, and you’ll realize each time that those failures are the greatest lessons life will ever give you.

11. “Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.” -Napoleon Hill

Unfortunately, many people stop trying after a large failure comes their way. They lose their confidence, determination, and will. However, success usually follows quickly behind these huge failures because you’ve inevitably learned what not to do.

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Don’t stop with the huge failure. Take a few more steps and see if it gets you where you wanted to go.

12. I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” -Thomas Alva Edison

Through his success and failure quotes, Thomas Edison shows us that failures are only truly failures if you don’t learn the lesson they offer.

13. “It’s fine to celebrate success, but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.” -Bill Gates

Celebrating success feels good, but learning the lessons of failure is where growth occurs[1], which can lead you to even greater successes.

14. “The only thing that separates success from failure is one last attempt. Try one more time and you will get lucky.” -Apoorve Dubey

Every success comes from an attempt. If you don’t try one more time, you’ll never know if it could’ve been your big chance at big success.

15. “Failure is a detour; not a dead-end street.” -Zig Ziglar

Many people get impatient with failure. They feel that it’s a stopping point, or a road that’s too long to walk. However, the patience to take that new road is exactly what’s necessary to find success. If success is easy to find, it likely won’t last very long.

16. “In the real world, very smart people fail, and mediocre people rise. Part of what makes people fail or succeed are skills that have nothing to do with IQ. Also, the idea that intelligence can be gauged by an IQ test is erroneous.” -Camille Paglia

Failure is not a sign of a lack of intelligence, as Paglia suggests. Failure is a sign of great intelligence and great courage. She also points out the important point that intelligence takes many forms, and it’s often the grit and maturity to accept failure for the temporary setback that it is.

17. “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.” -Oprah Winfrey

Queens will always be queens, no matter if they experience success or failure. And you will always be you, so use that to your advantage, and take the risk of failure in order to reach success.

18. “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” -J.K. Rowling

Living a life free of failure generally means you have lived a boring, uneventful life. Is it really worth it?

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19. “You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over.” -Richard Branson

If you’ve ever watched a child learn to walk, you know that Branson’s success and failure quotes are true. Children are determined. They fall, and they get back up. And then they learn, and soon they’re running.

20. “Success or failure is caused more by mental attitude than by mental capacity.” -Walter Scott

Scott knows that intelligence is less of a determining factor in success than determination or ruthless optimism. Set yourself up for success by cultivating both.

21. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again. That is why I succeed.” -Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan knows failure, and yet we know him as an incredibly successful person. Why? Because he never let the failures stop him from moving on.

22. “There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.” -José N. Harris

The secrets to success are pretty simple, and living a full life is only possible once you learn that getting up after a failure will bring a great sense of satisfaction and joy.

23. “All people fail at certain instances in their lives, the only thing that makes them different is how they manage to stand up or how they choose to fail again.” -Unknown

If you fail, you’re like the vast majority of the world. What makes you different is how you choose to respond.

24. “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” -Robert Kennedy

If you aim high, even if you fall short you’ll still likely be ahead of the majority of people. Take the time in life to fail greatly because that’s where you’ll find your true self.

25. “Failure is good as long as it doesn’t become a habit.” -Michael Eisner

If you continue to make the same mistakes, you’re not learning from your failures. This is when it becomes a destructive habit instead of a moment to propel you toward success.

26. “If you are afraid of failure, you don’t deserve to be successful.” -Charles Barkley

Only those who are willing to accept the hard emotions that come along with failure will be those who will enjoy the good feelings of genuine success.

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27. “Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. It is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead-end street.” -William A. Ward

In his success and failure quotes, Ward points out something important. Failure is often seen as a death stroke, something that stops our success. If we shift our perspective and look upon failure as a teacher instead, we will likely feel very differently about those moments in our life and see that failure is delay, not death.

28. “Courage allows the successful woman to fail and learn powerful lessons from the failure. So that in the end, she didn’t fail at all.” -Maya Angelou

We’ve been here before. Failure is only failure if you don’t learn from it. Let yourself get a bad grade on the test; you’ll study differently next time. Let yourself fail at a relationship; you know how to build a healthier relationship next time.

Every failure brings a lesson. Learn it and move on.

29. “Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know.” -William Saroyan

If you think of the moments you learned and grew the most, were they easy times or hard times? Challenges make us better, smarter people[2]. You don’t get wise through an easy life.

30. “Don’t fear failure—not failure, but low aim, is the crime. In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.” -Bruce Lee

If you try to achieve something great, even a failure feels like a success. At least you had the courage to try. That’s more than most can say.

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Featured photo credit: Gabrielle Henderson via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Harvard Business Review: Strategies for Learning from Failure
[2] Psychology Today: How Greater Challenges Help You Grow

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