Advertising
Advertising

7 Common Mistakes We Make When We Try To Communicate With Elderly

7 Common Mistakes We Make When We Try To Communicate With Elderly

Communicating with the elderly may seem like an easy, ordinary task, but somehow many of us fail to communicate effectively with our parents and grandparents. Why? Due to a number of common mistakes and generally because we don’t pay attention enough to modify the message in an elderly-friendly way.

These are the most common mistakes we make when we try to communicate with elderly in our daily lives and how to fix them.

We treat them differently just because they’re old

communicate elderly

    Aging comes with some disabilities or unfortunate issues, but not all elderly people are deaf, suffer from dementia or lose their vocabulary all of a sudden. Moreover, most seniors are actually improving their language skills, so there is no reason to speak loud to them.

    Another thing we often do when we try to communicate with elderly is talking to the other persons in the room about them, like they are already dead. This is highly annoying and can be seen as an insult. And speaking of insults, people who modulate their voices to high pitches and baby-like sounds are also insulting the seniors.

    Advertising

    Bottom all, just use your normal, regular toned voice when you speak to your grandma: if she does ask you to repeat something, probably she just lost a word in the sentence or she is not aware what a “selfie” is.

     We don’t adapt to the issues they have

    communicate elderly02

      As I’ve stated before, aging does have some disadvantages and one of them is that adjustment periods will become longer. If if takes you a couple of days to get accustomed to the sudden hot weather, the seniors in the family may need a couple of weeks. To make sure you are able to communicate with the elderly in an efficient manner, just pay more attention to the changes that come along and alter your message accordingly. For example, if you talk covering your mouth, your grandma will most likely ask you to repeat, because her brain reacts longer to the fact she can’t read your lips (which we all do while we chat).

      To understand better how a senior feels about the world around you can do a simple experiment on your own, in order to communicate with elderly efficiently. Put on gloves, tie your shoe laces between them, put on ear plugs and tie a transparent scarf on your face. Now try to do all the daily chores around the house – this is how an elderly person may feel daily.

       We forget they are people we can learn from

      Advertising

      communicate elderly03

        There is a strong reason why the ancient cultures cherished their elders and made them shamans: they are wise. And they can teach you many things, even if using the Google glasses will not be one of them. In order to communicate with the elderly you must stop and listen to them from time to time. They have 40+ more years lived and more things happened to them. And they’ve survived them all, so they may give you valuable tips on how to pull yourself together after your boyfriend cheated on you or how to start over after you’ve lost all your belongings. They’ve been there, done that.

        We forgot they still have a sexuality

        old couple

          This one is tricky: we all know that hormones are leading our sexual desires, so it is only logic that when they are gone, so are the desires. But is not that easy, as the elderly have their own sexual desires and may even be able to fullfil them. To communicate with the elderly you must always remember they are still humans, only slightly more experienced. Combine this with the previous point and you have your own personal love coach in your grandmother, as we tend to inherit the sexual attraction features and most likely look for the same physical features in our partner. If grandma had a thing for blue-eyed guys, you will probably have it too, so you can talk about it with her.

           We fall in the generation gap trap

          communicate elderly06

            Stereotypes are nasty things and the fact most people fall into them is even nastier, so don’t be one of them. When you communicate with elderly you are just talking to another human, so you need to let aside all the generation gap misconceptions and start fresh. Never assume a senior cannot understand you just because he is older: sometimes older generation faced exactly the same issues, as the social environment is the same deep down. So just be clear and open when you want to communicate with elderly. For example, the fact your grandmother grew up in a time when being a single mother was shameful doesn’t mean she actually considered it to be like that. Maybe she was just as open-minded as you are today about raising a child without a father.

            Advertising

            We are not patient

            communicate elderly07

              Patience is very important when you try to communicate with elderly, as their movements are slower than yours and they will take more time to understand your message. As the language itself is changing really fast these days, you might need to explain what OMG means or other language hacks. Again, patience is essential. If you ask an older person to remember something from his early days, you also need to wait a couple more minutes, as memory is not as sharp in the elderly.

              As body language remains a constant in life, elders do understand it just as well as young adults, so being impatient and showing this will just upset the person and impair the attempt to communicate with elderly.

                We forget to treat them with respect

              elderly communication alan alda

                Being respectful is the most important thing in relationships and because we ought to acknowledge that an older person is wiser, showing the respect while we try to communicate with elderly is critical. One of the most common mistakes we make is to give advice to elders and patronize them. Like us, they hate it. Unlike us, they are not that impulsive and don’t react as sudden as we do. Being respectful is one of the keys in effective communication at any age, so do apply it when you try to communicate with elderly. Respecting radical or different opinions is also a way to show respect, so if your grandma tries to share with you her feelings and life experience, just listen to what she has to say.

                Advertising

                All the above rules are general and as all individuals are different, you need to adjust your message to the particular person. Another tip on how to communicate with elderly is gambling it all on value: don’t treat an older person in a different manner just because he/she is old – exchange ideas, treat them just like you like others to treat you and you will have a lots of benefits from effective elderly communication.

                 

                Featured photo credit: Elderly People – sign on Warwick Road, Olton via flickr.com

                More by this author

                20 Healthy And Tasty Vegan Breakfasts That Bring You Enough Protein 6 Things You Learn From Winter Camping The Ultimate Moving Guide For An Easy Move 6 Reasons You Should Date A Gamer (Girl or Boy) Proven Benefits Of Having A Beard All Men Need To Know About

                Trending in Communication

                1 Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional? 2 12 Powerful Habits of a Lifelong Learner 3 8 Proven Ways to Learn a New Language Fast 4 5 Best Language Learning Apps to Master a New Language 5 9 Reasons Why Motivation Matters in Leadership

                Read Next

                Advertising
                Advertising
                Advertising

                Last Updated on November 11, 2019

                Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

                Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

                A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.

                You know how this looks:

                • Parents constantly comparing children.
                • Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
                • Domestic violence.
                • Adultery…
                • And many others.

                For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.

                Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.

                Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

                This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.

                In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.

                If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.

                How to fix a dysfunctional family

                In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

                And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.

                Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?

                It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.

                Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.

                Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

                There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…

                Dysfunctional… Or just average?

                Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.

                The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.

                You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…

                A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.

                Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.

                Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:

                • Unrealistic expectations
                • Lack of interest and time spent together
                • Sexism
                • Utilitarianism
                • Lack of empathy
                • Unequal or unfair treatment
                • Disrespect towards boundaries
                • Control Issues
                • Jealousy
                • Verbal and physical abuse
                • Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse

                You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…

                If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

                Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.

                How to turn it around

                When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.

                But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:

                One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.

                We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

                Advertising

                As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.

                What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?

                Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?

                Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…

                Correction is possible

                In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.

                Verbalize it.

                All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.

                Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.

                This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.

                But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.

                So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.

                Putting it to work in real life

                In real life it would be something like this:

                “OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”

                Or:

                “Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.

                Or:

                “Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.

                As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.

                This is what you have to remember:

                1-Stop.

                2-Why it’s wrong?

                3-What you need.

                And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.

                It’s a family thing

                A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.

                Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.

                In other words, you will need cooperation…

                So don’t be afraid of asking for it!

                Approach your family member and ask to be listened.

                Advertising

                We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

                You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.

                It’s not a free-for-all battle

                In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.

                No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

                Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.

                And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…

                The method

                1. Drop the ego

                Wherever there is conflict there is ego.

                You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.

                Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.

                What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.

                It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

                After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…

                Tell the other person how important all this is to you.

                Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.

                Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.

                And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.

                You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…

                2. Not blame, but responsibility

                When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.

                But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…

                When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.

                What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!

                Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

                As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.

                You will do something like this:

                “Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.

                I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.

                You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.

                I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.

                Advertising

                It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”

                What happened here?

                We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.

                We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.

                We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.

                And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.

                You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.

                This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!

                3. Doing the work

                What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!

                This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.

                Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.

                If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.

                It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.

                “When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

                I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.

                But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”

                You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.

                Love is all you need

                You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.

                That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.

                And what happens if it simply is not there?

                What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?

                What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

                There is only one thing you can do:

                To break away.

                Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.

                There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:

                “We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”

                If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…

                Advertising

                Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.

                You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.

                Putting distance

                So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.

                What do I mean?

                Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.

                Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.

                Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.

                Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

                They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.

                Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:

                I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…

                I choose my peace of mind.

                And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…

                Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.

                Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.

                How to prevent it

                There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:

                • To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
                • To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)

                Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.

                You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.

                Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.

                Priorities and clear thought

                You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.

                You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.

                You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.

                Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…

                If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

                And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.

                Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.

                But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.

                Featured photo credit: Xavier Mouton Photographie via unsplash.com

                Read Next