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Last Updated on January 6, 2021

How To Stop Blaming Others And Start Taking Responsibilities

How To Stop Blaming Others And Start Taking Responsibilities
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As a kid, I learned to never throw something that wasn’t working and proclaim, “It won’t work, stupid glue!” Why? Because the reply would always be, “A bad workman always blames their tools.”

As a child, you don’t really pay a lot of attention to the sayings your older and wiser counterparts try to impart to you. But as you get older, you find yourself revisiting them and thinking, “I get it, that’s so true!”

When it comes to being a bad worker blaming their tools, it seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it? However, the issue with blame is that it is rarely so obvious.

I want to share with you how to spot hidden blame, why you need to take ownership of it, how to eradicate the blame game for your mind, vocabulary, and life, and what outcomes you could see as a result.

I’m going to share real case studies with my clients so you can see firsthand how blame really hides out in your life and how to fix it.

“It’s Not My Fault!”

Why Do We Do It?

One of the reasons blame exists in many of our lives is that it makes it easier for us to deal with tough situations.

Take the pandemic—no, seriously, will someone take it! All joking aside, the blame game is not new to the 2020 pandemic. In the 1918 Spanish Flu, the virus was reported to be spread by various untrue methods, to the point it was even given different names according to who the countries’ political opponents were!

Blaming the Chinese or Anti-Trump supporters is no different to the blame game that was used to spread fear and lies before. Different virus, same trends in human behavior—why? Because when you consider blame in your own life, you can start to see that it helps us restore some control. If it was made by someone else, then it’s out of your control to fix it.

Blame in Action

The perfect example is the client who was mortified to be sent to me for coaching because according to their company, “they weren’t coping”. They were annoyed because the pandemic was not their fault, so their inability to work in a new way was clearly not their fault either. It was outside their remit (and belief on what was possible).

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So, What’s the Big Deal?

When you don’t challenge what you believe, you risk playing the blame game and blaming others, and that takes away your power to get better results in every aspect of your life.

In this example, the person adamantly believed that after the pandemic leaves, they would perform better and nothing could improve until then. Relying on billions of people, the world’s politicians, and a virus to get your success in life is just bonkers!

For this person and you, the first thing you have to do is to challenge:

  • Challenge what you believe to be true.
  • Challenge what you believe to be possible.
  • Challenge if you have control.
  • Question what you could do moving forward.

If you find yourself being able to justify being stuck in life or drifting along or not getting the results you want on some external force, then there’s a good chance that blame is at work.

Use questions like:

  • If this is true, how are other people managing to achieve more than me?
  • If this is true, what evidence do I have that everyone has the same opportunities as me?

Once you start to break down what you believe to be the reality, you can alter that reality.

Result

The client that blamed the pandemic on their poor performance at work questioned what they believed and could see that other people weren’t getting the same poor results as them, so there clearly was a better way.

Challenging what they believed led them to ask for some additional tech support and advice on best time management practices and some honest conversations with their colleagues that helped my client see what to do and how to do it.

“I Can’t Control That!”

Why Do We Do It?

The great thing about blame and blaming others—and a reason you may choose to hang on to yours—is that it takes the onus off of us. “I can’t do anything about other team members not pulling their weight” means you accept that your career is in the hands of other people. So, if you don’t get the pay rise, promotion, corner office, and bonus you want, there’s no blame on you, right?

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“I can’t do anything about where I was born” means you can blame the world around you, and you have no control to make things any better.

Blame in Action

My favorite example of someone removing blame from their life is Lieutenant Dan in Forest Gump. He is a hero of mine. He lost so much and, for a long time, was lost in wanting someone to blame.

We see this in real life, too. One person experiences something horrific and goes on to make the world a better place while another loses themselves in grief, unable to move on.

So, What’s the Big Deal?

I don’t say these things flippantly. I really appreciate how hard life can be and how much some have to face. And it can be incredibly challenging to appreciate that the control is with you as to how this defines your future.

It seems very unfair how some must endure more and more, but that shouldn’t stop you from achieving something great and removing the blame. Right now, as I write this, my husband had just come out of the hospital and only has 20% of his heart—and we will go back soon to plan what surgeries to do.

In the last 14 months, I’ve had to get my mother-in-law protected from a violent stepfather-in-law who is now sectioned (because of me). On top of the pandemic’s impact on my children, my Mum faced 3 serious surgeries and my sister was very poorly with Covid, and I’ve Lupus and 3 other auto-immune diseases that get worse with stress.

I could so easily have hidden from the world and said, “no thank you”—but I didn’t. I wrote a new book with an amazing foreword from the CEO of this first-rate organization, wrote 8 courses for business, and even found time to get in the press and win some awards. In fact, my Lupus specialists are impressed I don’t have more symptoms considering what my personal life looks like.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take time to process what you face. It’s just that you should also try to work out what you can control, and what you can usually control is your mind.

Result

That moment when Lieutenant Dan stops blaming others—everyone and everything—for the awful thing that has happened to him and accepts who he is now is powerful. We don’t need to face something horrific to be able to do this.

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Trying to hang on to what was or a perception of what you wanted the world to be like won’t make it happen. Removing the blame that exists helps you take ownership and control over the future you want.

“I’m Just Not Made Like That!”

A word of caution before we move on to the final part of how to ditch the blame game. By now, you are seeing that blame can be something we don’t necessarily want to part with. Never is this truer than when facing the person you are.

I hear people tell me:

  • “I’m not creative.”
  • “I’m rubbish at numbers.”
  • “People like me don’t do that kind of job.”
  • “I’m too shy to stand up for myself.”
  • “It’s my DNA!”

Giving me their proof of why it is just the way it is. Blameless and controlless.

We don’t have time to look at comfort zones in detail here, so if you fear there could be a comfort zone enabling your blame game, then learn to get out of your comfort zones before we bring this all together.

“I Can’t Do Anything Different Until the Pandemic Is Over.”

Why Do We Do It?

In the quote above, you could change the word “pandemic” for “boss,” “tech,” “project,” “house moving,” “weight loss,” “summer,” “pregnancy,” or anything you like. Basically, it still removes any responsibility from you, and if you have no responsibility, you have no obligation to alter it.

The opposite of this is if you accept that your future is in your hands (even if situations aren’t), you can look for solutions where others assume there is none.

  • “I can’t stop them doing that!” becomes “What do I want to see happen and how will I make it happen?”
  • “They don’t listen to me.” becomes “I am on my own agenda working towards a goal and I accept I can’t change others and will just protect myself and my results.”

Once you’ve learned to stop blaming others, accepted the blame, and understood what to control, you then need to question what is possible to create a plan to never let blame impact your happiness and success ever again.

Blame in Action

Working with a team from a large organization, I heard a lot of people tell me that they couldn’t do anything because a new system had been bought in by “them upstairs” and “them upstairs” have no clue as to what actually goes on around here.

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So, What’s the Big Deal?

For this team, they were able to divert any responsibility for their time management, productivity, happiness at work, and success on “them upstairs.” Whether management got it wrong or not, things weren’t going to change, so they needed to work out what could be controlled.

Result

In controlling the uncontrollable, I look in detail at how we can take back ownership of what is happening to get what we want even when the odds are stacked against us.[1]

Is it likely that this team would convince anyone to ditch the new tech? No, but through understanding how they saw the situation, where they placed responsibility, and what was in their control, they could create a plan of action that was very much theirs and has nothing to do with “them upstairs.”

When creating a new plan of action, a new way of thinking, responding, and working, don’t rule out any idea. I’ve seen people remove blame from their lives both personally and professionally with the simplest of ideas.

This is the great news about blame—when you go through this process, you can get better results very fast.

Learn to Stop Blaming Others

To see this in action, let me share with you the story of an amazing client who’d been treated very badly at work and home for years. They’d been subjected to the most awful things, and it now battered them long after the bullies and abusers had gone from their lives.

By finding all the blame in their life in the way they spoke, we were able to see the world in a new way and this led to simple things that reinforced the future for them.

  1. They reframed what they said to themselves from “I’ve been through so much, it’s not fair” to “I’m so proud of how resilient and tough I am, I now believe I can overcome anything!” (Imagine the power this phrase gave them?)
  2. They listened to the voice in their head and made sure it was repeating the positive “Wow! I’m a tough cookie.” belief instead of the old outdated beliefs. They started taking selfies. Sharing images of themselves attracted positive reinforcement from friends and boosted their confidence.
  3. They planned big. They’d always wanted to achieve their bucket list. It wasn’t big, but it covered their personal and professional lives. They always blamed their lack of completion on life, circumstances, genetics, even the weather. Now, I’m pleased to say their bucket list is gaining new bigger ambitions because blame is not in the game anymore.

Instead of blaming others, they learned to take responsibility. And lastly, as you dump the blame, have faith. Faith is not necessarily religious or spiritual. It’s about believing a better future can be yours. And with this process, it could happen faster than you think.

More on Taking Personal Responsibility

Featured photo credit: Neal Markham via unsplash.com

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Reference

[1] Mandie Holgate: Control It

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Mandie Holgate

International Coach, Best Selling Author & Speaker inspiring people around the world to success.

50 Words of Encouragement for Moving Forward 7 Types Of Emotional Baggage And How To Deal With Them How to Control the Uncontrollable In Life 6 Types of Fear of Success (And How to Overcome Them) Self Awareness Is Underrated: Why the Conscious Mind Leads to Happiness

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Last Updated on July 21, 2021

17 Traits That Make a Successful Person Stand out from the Crowd

17 Traits That Make a Successful Person Stand out from the Crowd
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If you are like most people, you probably have big goals and dreams that you would like to succeed in — you want to be the top in your career, live a healthy lifestyle, or flourish in your relationships.

Everyone dreams of a positive future, but most people don’t realize the secret to a truly successful life:

You determine your future in the way you spend your everyday moments. If you want to be a successful person, you must consistently develop good daily habits. As Aristotle pointed out:

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”.

Building positive daily habits is a huge challenge, but can you imagine the amazing things you could accomplish with just a little commitment and determination?

Creating lasting, healthy habits is the real key difference between people who are successful in life and those who are unsuccessful.

You might be wondering which specific habits make the biggest difference. Not to worry, I’ve compiled a comparison list to help you get a jump start on a successful future.

1. Successful people embrace change. Unsuccessful people fear change.

Change is a constant for all of humanity, and it is important that you develop a positive relationship with it.

When unexpected or unwelcome changes arise, ask yourself how you can embrace it instead of running away. A few practical ways to reverse a change-fearing mindset include:

  • Take a moment to recognize and address any fears associated with the upcoming change.
  • Communicate with a person you trust about your negative feelings toward change.
  • Practice positive thinking, which you can read about in the next section.

2. Successful people exude joy. Unsuccessful people think, say and do negative things.

A joyful, positive disposition can seem like a distant reality in today’s cynical world, but it may be easier to achieve than you think. All you have to do is notice the good things around you and practice being thankful.

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Mindfulness and gratitude are not just buzz words – choosing a positive attitude can honestly change your life. Many studies have found that thankfulness leads to greater happiness. Furthermore, research indicates that gratitude may even have a lasting positive impact on the brain and overall mental health.[1]

3. Successful people forgive others. Unsuccessful people hold grudges.

As a human being, you have likely been offended or hurt by others plenty of times. Don’t give in to the temptation to hold a grudge. Let it go.

Note that forgiving someone does not equate to giving up your boundaries (which are very important) or even admitting that the offending party is right. You should choose to let go for your own peace of mind.

4. Successful people track progress. Unsuccessful people just criticize.

Some kinds of criticism, such as constructive criticism, are good for personal and professional development. The kind of criticism I’m talking about is the pessimistic, nagging, unhelpful variety. This is the kind of criticism in play when you are unfairly harsh to yourself or others.

Toss unfounded criticisms aside and consider tracking your “wins” or your progresses, no matter how small. Take mental notes or keep a progress journal.

If you have a solid sense of what you have achieved, you will be less tempted to be hard on yourself.

5. Successful people share information, data and ideas. Unsuccessful people hoard.

If you have useful information or generate brilliant ideas on the regular, your first instinct may be to keep it all to yourself for personal gain and solo recognition.

Instead of hoarding bright ideas, share them with your team. Your talents will be on display for the team, and the team will be able to support you and make your ideas a reality.

6. Successful people are humble. Unsuccessful people talk more than they listen.

Humility is key. The ability to listen to other people, really listen and understand, is essential to success in both work and relationships — and to listen you have to be humble.

Everyone has experienced the frustration of being in a one-sided conversation. When someone approaches you with a question or concern, put your own world aside for just a moment and give them the kindness of your full attention.

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7. Successful people take risks. Unsuccessful people take the easy way out.

The next time your heart is racing and you want to walk away, consider embracing the risk. You never know what might happen if you take a chance.

Embracing risks looks like accepting the speaking engagement even though it seems a little scary. Success takes the courageous route, not the easy route.

8. Successful people learn, improve and read every day. Unsuccessful people stop learning.

Instead of binge-watching a show tonight, save an hour before bed to read a book and expand your mind.

Unsuccessful people are afraid to be flexible – they don’t challenge themselves to learn new things. Avoid this pitfall by exposing yourself to new thoughts and ideas every day.

9. Successful people handle problems well. Unsuccessful people act before they think.

The next time you run into a problem or even an emergency, try to work through your initial panic reaction with a few deep breaths.

Instead of acting rashly, think through your next actions as quickly but as logically as you can.

Learning to handle problems thoughtfully is an absolutely essential tool in the successful person’s toolbox (that’s you!).

10. Successful people accept responsibility for their failures. Unsuccessful people blame others.

Along with a previous tip about humility, this is one of the hardest things you’ll ever learn to do – but also the most rewarding. When you’ve failed, you must fight the urge to pass the blame. Successful people are able to fail honestly and gracefully.

And, hey, don’t feel bad about failing. Some of the most successful people in the world have failed too many times to count. It’s all a part of the process.

You can check out this article for more tips on how to fail well:

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How Failure Helps You To Succeed and Grow

11. Successful people work with passion and commitment. Unsuccessful people have a sense of entitlement.

A short and sweet lesson for you:

You should never expect to achieve the things you want without working hard.

Follow your passion and stay committed to pursuing it. Work hard and stick to your habits every day. You’ll earn your reward.

12. Successful people spend time with the right people. Unsuccessful people think they already know it all.

A lot of people miss out on useful relationships and information sharing because they think they can do it all alone.

Spend time with people who inspire you, spur you to be a better person, and remind you that you can’t go it alone.

13. Successful people make to-do lists and maintain proper life balance. Unsuccessful people waste their time.

Ah, time management. Unsuccessful people never master the art of organization and planning.

Here are a few tips for you when it comes to time management:

  • Make to-do lists. Seriously, this will help you. Make time to do it every morning, evening, or whenever you are able.
  • Keep track of your time. Are you happy with the way you are currently balancing things? What changes can you make?
  • Keep a calendar full of your long-term goals (see next tip).

14. Successful people write down goals and think long term about their burning desires. Unsuccessful people get distracted every day.

Why is it so important to keep a long-term goal calendar? Here’s the deal:

The things you are passionate about today need a backbone.

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Give your passionate ideas sustainability by writing down goals and staying on task instead of succumbing to distraction.

15. Successful people compliment others. Unsuccessful people try to bring others down to their level.

There is no greater confidence than saying “no” to sudden jealous or envious feelings and choosing to sincerely admire someone’s talents instead.

Unsuccessful people live in a world driven by competition, but successful people know that building people up is far more rewarding than bringing them down.

16. Successful people want others to succeed. Unsuccessful people secretly hope they fail.

In the same vein as the point above, this tip is all about good intentions.

Care for the people around you. Encourage them toward their successes. Hoping that others fail will not help you at all.

17. Successful people know their purpose and mission. Unsuccessful people don’t know what they want to be.

The last thing that differentiates successful people from unsuccessful people is one of the most important:

Keep your mission in mind.

Don’t be swayed to and fro by passing emotions and events. Know who you are and pursue your dreams wholeheartedly.

Final thoughts

Above all, stay confident. Truly believe that you can be and are successful. Strive to prove it in your day-to-day habits and activities!

What are you waiting for? Choose one of the habits above and get started today.

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Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Berkeley University of California: How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain

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