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2 Easy Steps to Start Becoming Good at Communicating

2 Easy Steps to Start Becoming Good at Communicating

Communication is a critical aspect of success in any part of life, whether it be relationships with your friends, lovers, family, yourself, or with your colleagues and business partners. Your ability to cultivate your communication skills will drastically improve every aspect of your life.

In this article, I’m going to show you 2 easy steps you can begin doing right now to start getting better at communicating with people.

When I came to the United States from the Philippines at 10 years old, I had a thick accent, and I had it all the way until I joined in the Air Force. I was very shy with speaking with people and never became very good at communicating.

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I’ve now spoken in front of hundreds of people, have trained sales teams, and have coached men on dating and relationships wherein the key was becoming a good communicator of ideas, persuasion, and connection.

First, it’s important to recognize that everything is communication, whether you’re communicating it through your voice, your tonality, or your body language. There isn’t a moment that you aren’t communicating. The most important aspect of communication, because it makes up for 70% of what the person’s listening is receiving, is the aspect of your communication that is non-verbal (tonality and body expression).

The interesting thing about this non-verbal aspect of communication is that it isn’t what you’re consciously going to be thinking about. You’re mostly going to be focusing on “what to say.” You must realize that this type of communication is the most important and which mostly affects the person you’re communicating with (90% of it is non-verbal).

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So how do you develop this non-verbal aspect of your communication? You must become a competent communicator. A lot of people worry about being confident. The truth is, you can’t become confident about something you aren’t competent with. The kind of bolstered confidence that is made up from a lack of competence will communicate itself in a negative way through the non-verbal aspect of your communication! In these 2 steps, I’m going to uncover for you how to become a good communicator; you’ll become competent and therefore confident!

1. Competence of communication.

Begin to communicate more as a practice in the sense that it is deliberately a practice—rather than just practicing. If this is one of the most important skills in your life, it goes without saying that it should be taken more seriously.

Begin to communicate more. First, start speaking more openly with the people closest to you (i.e., your close friends and family). Just by deliberately noticing how you speak will make you better. By noticing the things we do that we can ‘”fix,” it’s easy to get better at it—as opposed to not noticing the right and wrong things we do, and thus not knowing what to fix. You see, we don’t see ourselves communicating. In my coaching, I tell my clients to record themselves speaking. It is the fastest and best way to begin correcting those little minute changes in non-verbal communication.

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If in the beginning you don’t know what to say, I suggest you speak openly and honestly about how you feel about that person. If it’s your friend, openly tell them about how you feel about them and specifically for which reasons that you appreciate them. You see, by talking about yourself, not many people would want to listen to you. People absolutely love talking about themselves. Not only will you be getting better at communicating, but you’re now getting better at connecting with people and being authentic, genuine, and honest.

2. Increase your vocabulary.

There is more than one way to see. If you’re able to say something to someone that has opened their mind to a new awareness, they’ll say, “I see!” I equate someones vocabulary to this metaphor:

When you explain something to someone and they say, “I can’t see what you’re saying…” it is because they are looking through a little hole. That little hole is their vocabulary. When you don’t have a representing symbol for a concept or idea, it’s like looking through a small hole and you can’t see much because you can’t understand much. As you increase your vocabulary, you’ll be able to look through a bigger hole and have a much larger view, a much larger perspective, because you’ve now got a much larger understanding.

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There are a few ways of increasing your vocabulary. One of my favorites and one I’ve used and continually use to this day is reading books. I have a set goal of reading 10 pages of a good book every day. I read mostly non-fiction but there are some great fiction books that drive profound concepts and ideas through their stories.

Read it out loud. This trains your tongue (becoming more competent in voice delivery). Play with how you deliver the sound, the rate of speed, and the range of your tonality. It’s especially beneficial for some people who don’t get enough opportunities to communicate with people with their voice.

Go ahead and begin doing this now and notice, in the coming days, how much differently you’ll be speaking.

Featured photo credit: Fox Searchlight via ch2289.wordpress.com

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Published on May 4, 2021

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

They say we are the average of the five persons we spend the most time with. For a minute, consider the people around you. Are they truly who your “tribe” should be or who you aspire to become in the future? Are they really genuine people who want to see you succeed? Or are they fake people who don’t really want to see you happy?

In this article, I’ll review why it is important to surround yourself with genuine individuals—the ones who care, bring something to our table, and first and foremost, who leave all fakeness behind.

How to Spot Fake People?

When you’ve been working in the helping professions for a while, spotting fake people gets a bit easier. There are some very clear signs that the person you are looking at is hiding something, acting somehow, or simply wanting to get somewhere. Most often, there is a secondary gain—perhaps attention, sympathy, or even a promotion.

Whatever it is, you’re better off working their true agenda and staying the hell away. Here are some things you should look out for to help spot fake people.

1. Full of Themselves

Fake people like to show off. They love looking at themselves in the mirror. They collect photos and videos of every single achievement they had and every part of their body and claim to be the “best at what they do.”

Most of these people are actually not that good in real life. But they act like they are and ensure that they appear better than the next person. The issue for you is that you may find yourself always feeling “beneath” them and irritated at their constant need to be in the spotlight.

2. Murky in Expressing Their Emotions

Have you ever tried having a deep and meaningful conversation with a fake person? It’s almost impossible. It’s because they have limited emotional intelligence and don’t know how they truly feel deep down—and partly because they don’t want to have their true emotions exposed, no matter how normal these might be.

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It’s much harder to say “I’m the best at what I do” while simultaneously sharing “average” emotions with “equal” people.

3. Zero Self-Reflection

To grow, we must accept feedback from others. We must be open to our strengths and to our weaknesses. We must accept that we all come in different shapes and can always improve.

Self-reflection requires us to think, forgive, admit fault, and learn from our mistakes. But to do that, we have to be able to adopt a level of genuineness and depth that fake people don’t routinely have. A fake person generally never apologizes, but when they do, it is often followed with a “but” in the next breath.

4. Unrealistic Perceptions

Fake people most often have an unrealistic perception of the world—things that they want to portray to others (pseudo achievements, materialistic gains, or a made-up sense of happiness) or simply how they genuinely regard life outside themselves.

A lot of fake people hide pain, shame, and other underlying reasons in their behavior. This could explain why they can’t be authentic and/or have difficulties seeing their environment for the way it objectively is (both good and bad).

5. Love Attention

As I mentioned earlier, the biggest sign that something isn’t quite right with someone’s behavior can be established by how much they love attention. Are you being interrupted every time you speak by someone who wants to make sure that the spotlight gets reverted back to them? Is the focus always on them, no matter the topic? If yes, you’re probably dealing with a fake person.

6. People Pleaser

Appreciation feels nice but having everyone like you is even better. While it is completely unrealistic for most people to please everyone all the time, fake people seem to always say yes in pursuit of constant approval.

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Now, this is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, these people are simply saying yes to things for their own satisfaction. Secondly, they often end up changing their minds or retracting their offer for one reason or another (“I would have loved to, but my grandmother suddenly fell ill.”), leaving you in the lurch for the 100th time this year.

7. Sarcasm and Cynicism

Behind the chronic pasted smile, fake people are well known for brewing resentment, jealousy, or anger. This is because, behind the postcard life, they are often unhappy. Sarcasm and cynicism are well known to act as a defense mechanism, sometimes even a diversion—anything so they can remain feeling on top of the world, whether it is through boosting themselves or bringing people down.

8. Crappy friend

Fake people are bad friends. They don’t listen to you, your feelings, and whatever news you might have to share. In fact, you might find yourself migrating away from them when you have exciting or bad news to share, knowing that it will always end up one way—their way. In addition, you might find that they’re not available when you truly need them or worse, cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not unusual to hear that a fake person talks constantly behind people’s backs. Let’s be honest, if they do it to others, they’re doing it to you too. If your “friend” makes you feel bad constantly, trust me, they’re not achieving their purpose, and they’re simply not a good person to have around.

The sooner you learn to spot these fake people, the sooner you can meet meaningful individuals again.

How to Cope With Fake People Moving Forward?

It is important to remind yourself that you deserve more than what you’re getting. You are worthy, valuable, precious, and just as important as the next person.

There are many ways to manage fake people. Here are some tips on how to deal with them.

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1. Boundaries

Keep your boundaries very clear. As explained in the book Unlock Your Resilience, boundaries are what keep you sane when the world tries to suffocate you. When fake people become emotional vampires, make sure to keep your distances, limit contact, and simply replace them with more valuable interactions.

2. Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally

Sadly, they most likely have behaved this way before they knew you and will continue much longer after you have moved on. It isn’t about you. It is about their inner need to meet a void that you are not responsible for. And in all honesty, unless you are a trained professional, you are unlikely to improve it anyway.

3. Be Upfront and Honest About How You Feel

If your “friend” has been hurtful or engaged in behaviors you struggle with, let them know—nicely, firmly, however you want, but let them know that they are affecting you. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you’ll feel better and when you’re ready to move on, you’ll know you tried to reach out. Your conscience is clear.

4. Ask for Advice

If you’re unsure about what you’re seeing or feeling, ask for advice. Perhaps a relative, a good friend, or a colleague might have some input as to whether you are overreacting or seeing some genuine concerns.

Now, don’t confuse asking for advice with gossiping behind the fake person’s back because, in the end, you don’t want to stoop down to their level. However, a little reminder as to how to stay on your own wellness track can never hurt.

5. Dig Deeper

Now, this one, I offer with caution. If you are emotionally strong, up to it, guaranteed you won’t get sucked into it, and have the skills to manage, perhaps you could dig into the reasons a fake person is acting the way they do.

Have they suffered recent trauma? Have they been rejected all their lives? Is their self-esteem so low that they must resort to making themselves feel good in any way they can? Sometimes, having an understanding of a person’s behavior can help in processing it.

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6. Practice Self-Care!

Clearly, putting some distance between the fake person and yourself is probably the way to go. However, sometimes, it takes time to get there. In the meantime, make sure to practice self-care, be gentle with yourself, and compensate with lots of positives!

Self-care can be as simple as taking a hot shower after talking to them or declining an invitation when you’re not feeling up to the challenge.

Spotting fake people isn’t too hard. They generally glow with wanna-be vibes. However, most often, there are reasons as to why they are like this. Calling their behavior might be the first step. Providing them with support might be the second. But if these don’t work, it’s time to stay away and surround yourself with the positivity that you deserve.

Final Thoughts

Remember that life is a rollercoaster. It has good moments, tough moments, and moments you wouldn’t change for the world. So, look around and make sure that you take the time to choose the right people to share it all with.

We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a good look around and choose wisely!

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Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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