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18 Ways Your Thinking Is Destroying Your Happiness

18 Ways Your Thinking Is Destroying Your Happiness

Do you destroy your happiness, without even realizing it? Let’s review 18 ways you might be doing that, and claim your best life today!

1. You distress about what’s ahead of you and forget about how far you’ve already come.

That’s the recipe for feeling discouraged. This bad habit dramatically increases your chances of giving up on your dream. If you instead focus a little more on the things you have achieved so far—the pounds you lost (or gained!), the things you learned, the money you made—then you’ll have a more holistic view of where you are and you won’t feel overwhelmed or powerless when looking ahead.

2. You think you need others to support you because you are afraid to be on your own.

This is such a big trap, and at the same time it’s so easy to miss because of denial.

That’s how people stay in abusive, or even ‘good enough’, relationships. That’s how other people depend on other people for money—whether that is family, or even an employer (vs. following their dream to start a business).

The truth is you have the power to go anywhere you want in life. But before you do that you first need to realize that you are actually depriving yourself of the opportunity to make it happen. Yup, that’s exactly what you do. You don’t even give yourself a chance to try. What if you did?

3. You think you’ll be happy later, when you have reached that goal.

You’ll be happy when you get fit, right? When you get that body you want, then you’ll be so happy. In the meantime, it’s normal to be miserable since your body is so unfit!

That’s exactly how we think with goals, all sorts of goals. Even though we know that money or a perfect body are not a prerequisite for happiness, we keep obsessing about it.

I hate that way of thinking—I call it The Happiness Paradox Trap. You see, even when you get fit, or make more money, or find love, you’ll then set new goals and you will have new excuses to be miserable!

But who said you can’t be both happy now and later? Why wait for some artificial goal to materialize to be happy? I believe that if you remind yourself enough that, yes, you can be happy now, you will indeed fall into this Happiness Paradox Trap less.

4. You see happiness as something exterior rather than as something interior.

You think it’s normal for others to be happy because they have better credentials, or make more money, or have a lovely spouse. Yet, we all know people who don’t have all that and are still happy.

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I understand that feeling miserable is a habit that we were taught in a young age. Buuut … it’s an irrational habit. Happiness is something interior, not something exterior. It’s a feeling and you can feel it anytime. Next time you tell yourself that you need something first to be happy: think again. Is what you’re saying rational?

5. You don’t take care of yourself.

You know you should exercise more, but don’t. You know you should be less hard on yourself, but are not. As a result, you feel guilty.

I understand that to an extent, the reason you don’t do what you think you should do, is that you don’t really know how to go about it and succeed. Hint: try a unconventional five-minute exercise program and you’ll know exactly what to do if the exercise example resonated with you.

Stop depriving yourself of happiness, and get rid of the guilt you feel because you know you should do X but don’t. If you find the right process that fits your needs, then I know you can make this happen! And no, you don’t need more motivation to do it and keep going.

6. You play the victim role.

You don’t need to be in a co-dependent relationship to play the victim role. Say you “can’t” do this or that? You are playing the victim role.

Here’s what you might not know though: You might actually get benefits by playing the victim.

For example, if you’re overweight and feel a victim because of that, you might secretly feel proud for going against what those evil magazines want you to do. Or, if you are overwhelmed, you might get to brag to others about how much you need to do.

Now that’s alright. Unless of course you want to stop being overwhelmed or overweight.

The first step is to ask yourself: “What advantages do I get from my current situation?” Be honest, and list at least seven! You just might get surprised …

7. You don’t see the meaning of jealousy.

Feeling jealous or envious? It’s because that other person either has something you don’t have or is doing something that you want to do, too! Jealousy just demonstrates—right in your face—the desires you are not pursuing yet!

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It’s not about the other person, it’s about you. The best way to stop feeling jealous? Take action towards where you want to go.

8. You look for what is bad rather than what is good.

What you focus on, grows. It’s the confirmation bias at play. If you want to create more good stuff in your life, then focus on that, and think less about the bad.

9. You are very frugal with helping others.

I recently read Give and Take, by Adam Grant. It’s a fantastic book that demonstrates how “givers”—people who generously help others—rise to the top more than “takers”, or people who feel they need to take others down in order for themselves to rise.

Apart from success, helping others has been scientifically proven to increase happiness.

Two birds with one stone…

10. You think people won’t like you.

Sometimes we are self-conscious and don’t expect much for ourselves. My world changed when I heard Byron Katie, spiritual teacher, say:

“When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.”

Now that’s a feeling good, friend-making recipe!

11. You rationalize your bad behavior.

Behavioral Economics Professor Dan Ariely has proven that most of us are liars. Yet, even though we lie, and lying is bad, we don’t think of ourselves as bad people. We are good people who … lie. Huh, how does this work?

It’s called rationalization or cognitive dissonance. The more we do it, the more we’ll keep doing bad things, and the more we won’t achieve the type of lasting happiness we’re after.

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12. You blame it all on yourself.

You are your only resource. Treat yourself like gold. Don’t blame it all on yourself, just to be on the safe side. Try to detach yourself from the situation and then re-think whether it’s all your fault or not.

13. You are a (past-focused) realist.

You think that being a realist make you objective, but are you really a “realist” or are you a “past-focused realist”?

Here’s the deal: Everything you experience today is the result of what happened yesterday, last week, last month, etc. Yet the future is the result of today plus the past.

For example, if you say, “I’m broke,” that might be true. But if you’re not considering that you are job hunting at the same time, then you’re a “past-focused realist”.

A true realist would say, “I’m broke but all this might change in an instant as I’m job hunting!”

See the difference?

14. You want to fix everything right NOW.

You cannot just do five minutes of exercise today. You need to do 30 minutes of exercise at least to get results, right?

You feel you need to get to the end goal, right now! Well, if you did, then what’s left to do for tomorrow?

Seriously, if you could just have everything today, what would you do tomorrow?

15. You don’t practice gratitude.

Think of one thing in your life that you’re so happy having. Did that? Feel better already? Follow the Stanford Professor BJ Fogg’s Method to make practicing gratitude a habit.

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16. You feel you need to prove yourself.

I’ve definitely fallen into this trap. So here’s my question: “What is it that you’re lacking that you feel you need to prove?”

Answering this honestly will open the pathway to happiness, and get you further away from feelings of unworthiness.

17. You look for others to save you.

You think you don’t know enough about X and need someone else to help you. That might be true, but sometimes it’s only an excuse not to get your hands dirty.

It’s rarely because you’re lazy. It’s mostly because you feel incompetent. Here’s another example: You wait for someone to give you advice on what to do, when you’re the person who should give advice to yourself!

The problem here lies in the attitude of, “I’m not good enough to do this”, “I don’t know enough”, etc.

But what if you do know enough, and yes, you are good enough?

18. You’re afraid to let go of good enough in order to get to great.

Sometimes it’s just easy to settle for “good”. But what if it’s great that you really crave? You know good is the enemy of great, right? Watch Marie Forleo explain why she walked away from a million dollars, and get inspired to leave what’s good behind in order to get to great.

So what will you do today or this week to destroy your happiness less and enjoy life more?

More by this author

Maria Brilaki

Maria helps people create habits that stick not just for a month or two but for years and decades.

How to Find Workout Motivation When You Hate Exercise 8 Ways to Train Your Brain to Learn Faster and Remember More How to Think Happy Thoughts and Train Your Brain to Be Happy 7 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be a Happier Person 10 Things Nice People Do Differently That Make Them Achieve More

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Last Updated on April 19, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

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