Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on January 12, 2021

How to Release Anger Without Hurting Others

How to Release Anger Without Hurting Others

There have been times in my life where I got angry and ended up hurting people whom I cared about. Whenever I think back about these bursts of anger, the consequences of me lashing out were always bad.

I have also experienced people unleashing their anger at me and again, the consequence for me was not great.

Anger can cause problems in your life. If left long enough, the negative expression of anger not only affects those around us but also impacts our quality of life and health.

Dealing With Anger and Uncertainty

The NZ government strategy to dealing with the COVID-19 crisis was to put the county into Level 4 lockdown. For the last 4 weeks, I have been living in “lockdown” with my son and husband.

The normal exercise of grocery shopping is now a stressful one. Only one person in the household can go to the supermarket and when you get to the supermarket, you have to manage the required 2 meters distance from each other, shop for your groceries, and keep yourself safe from cross-contamination.

COVID-19 has thrown uncertainty and disruption to our world, our communities, and our lives. As a result, many of us are feeling angry and scared. The basis of this anger comes from our fear of the unknown and having to deal with uncertainty.

Right now, I have no idea what my life and my business will be post COVID-19, and that is scary. I know that if I don’t deal with my feelings of fear, it will build over time and eventually be released through bursts of anger. This is not good for me and for others who may experience the wrath of my anger.

How Do We Release Our Anger Without Hurting Others?

Our relationship with anger determines whether we control this emotion or it controls us. If you want to know how to release anger without hurting others, you first need to understand what anger is all about for you.

Advertising

Anger is a natural emotion that we all feel. It is not a solo emotion because many feelings sit behind anger. These feelings can be anything from anxiety, sadness, fear, hurt, shame, feeling threatened, or frustration.

Anger is also not “The Problem”. It is the behavior we use to express our anger that is the real issue.

Susan David Ph.D., an award-winning psychologist and author of the book Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, said that “people judge themselves for feeling negative emotions like anger, disappointment or sadness. Repressing or denying these emotions makes them stronger and leads us into deadlock.”

The first step to building a healthy relationship with your anger is to work on becoming more self-aware of the feelings that fuel it.

In a podcast interview, Four Steps to Get Unstuck and Embrace Change, Susan David outlines the 4 steps you can take to create change in your life.[1]

These four steps that Susan David spoke about gave me a framework to use to help me build a healthy relationship with my negative emotions and feelings. They also helped me come up with ideas on how to release anger without hurting others.

Four Steps to Building a Healthy Relationship With Anger

1. Showing Up

Being willing to embrace and deal with uncomfortable emotions such as anger rather than avoiding or repressing them allows you to develop your Emotional Intelligence (EQ).[2] Developing your EQ helps you gain insight and wisdom that enhances your decision-making when choosing the best strategies for dealing with the overwhelming emotions that you are feeling.

Susan David states very clearly that when you do show up, you must not come from a place of judgment but a place of kindness and compassion toward yourself. Emotions are there to provide you with information about what is going on internally for you – that’s it.

Advertising

Give yourself a break and accept that you are feeling anxious and angry and that it is okay.

2. Stepping Out

Once you have accepted that it is okay for you to feel angry, then you can step out. This step, according to Susan David, is not an easy one so you must be prepared to do the work to get this step working for you.

This step requires you to detach yourself from your feelings, step back, and observe what these thoughts and emotions are all about.

A great tip that Susan gave that worked for me was to change my self-talk from “ I am feeling angry” to “At this moment I am observing my feelings of anger are present”.

Detach yourself from the monologue in your head, and see the emotions for what they really are. They are there for a reason.

Stepping out is all about you working out what these emotions are trying to tell you.

3. Walking Your Why

Knowing who you are and what is important to you gives you clarity and direction when navigating your way through the complexity of life.

This step was empowering for me because once I got my “why”, I had a point of reference to work from. This insight gave me a foundation from which I could strengthen my will power, my resilience, and my wisdom to help me identify the ways to effectively deal with anger.

Advertising

If you are struggling to figure out your values, here is a link to Susan David’s Emotional Agility Quiz.[3] It is a very simple quiz that gives you clarity about what is important to you.

Your values are the driving force to how you live your life.

4. Moving On

For me, this step was the key to me taking action in a way that was sustainable for me. I was not looking for a one-hit-wonder approach.

I recognized that these emotions and feelings I was experiencing as a result of COVID-19 would come back in some form or another. So, I had to make changes that were long-lasting.

Susan David said that to successfully move on, just take small steps. Focus on tweaking your mindset, your motivation, and your habits in ways that are aligned to your values and can contribute to making a difference in your life

Disruption, uncertainly, and change are part of life.

I had to learn how to manage my negative feelings and emotions so that I could navigate my way through these disruptive events of life. If I didn’t do this, then my emotions would control me and that is not helpful at all.

Managing my anger in a productive way comes with a far better outcome than expressing my anger in a way that hurts others.

Advertising

When moving on regarding my anger, I spent quite a bit of time working on adjusting my mindset. Because of the Level 4 restrictions, all the gyms were locked down and so walking is the only exercise I can do that gets me out of the house. Every morning I start my walk with a simple affirmation of gratitude and appreciation for all the good in my life right now.

This simple act has had an amazing effect on lessening the intensity of my feelings of fear, anxiety, and anger.

Even though life is still tough and there is so much uncertainty about my future, I feel more in control of my feelings. I don’t have this intense bubbling of emotions going on inside me that can just explode over nothing.

I am more patient of others and definitely a lot more confident about how I process my emotions of anger in a more positive and healthier way

Final Thoughts

Uncontrolled expressions of anger can cause big problems in your life. That’s why it’s important that you learn how to release anger properly and express it without hurting other people.

Building a healthy relationship with anger is the key to controlling it, and the four steps written in this article will surely put you on the right track.

More Tips on How to Release Anger Properly

Featured photo credit: Christian Fregnan via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Coaching for Leaders: 297: Four Steps to Get Unstuck and Embrace Change, with Susan David
[2] Institute for Health and Human Potential: What is Emotional Intelligence?
[3] Susan David, The Quiz

More by this author

Kathryn Sandford

Career Resilience Coach passionate about supporting others to grow and thrive in a complex world.

7 Common Mistakes To Avoid If You Want To Achieve Your Goals In Life How to Persevere (And Get Ahead!) When the Going Gets Tough 13 Things to Remember When You Need More Motivation Adapting to Change: Why It Matters and How to Do It Anxiety Coping Mechanisms That Work When You’re Stressed to the Max

Trending in Mental Wellness

1 Anxiety Isn’t About Worrying Too Much, But Caring Too Much 2 How to Deal With Work Stress When You’re Stressed to the Max 3 How to Cope With the Stages of Grief and Heal After Loss 4 40 Ways to Find Peace of Mind and Inner Calm 5 20 Simple Things You Can Do Daily To Become a Mindful Person

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on January 18, 2021

Anxiety Isn’t About Worrying Too Much, But Caring Too Much

Anxiety Isn’t About Worrying Too Much, But Caring Too Much

Are you the family worrier? The one who analyses every situation and measures all its innumerable outcomes? Do you find it difficult to say no to people? Are you anal about people not texting back? Do you think people don’t like you, and that all your relationships are simply doomed to fail? Do you imagine scenarios of loss and death? Do you have a hard time trying to let go of things?

If you have answered yes to more than three questions, chances are that you might be suffering from a form of anxiety disorder. And to those who pooh-pooh at anxiety, remember that it is much more than just worrying…

Advertising

1. Anxiety is the pursuit of perfection.

There’s a difference in wanting to be perfect at something, and wanting to be viewed as perfect. People with anxiety have a compulsion not only to do things perfectly but more importantly, they have a need to be thought of as perfect.[1] They want everyone to think of them as these beautiful overachievers who have so much in life – and when this doesn’t happen, they enter a cycle of negativity and vicious self-castigation. Every time you find yourself thinking that you will never be good enough, change the statement to you are good enough

Advertising

2. Anxiety is caring, a little too much.

We all love various people in our lives to varying degrees. Sometimes though, when our love enters the stifling territory in that we are smothering the other person with our love, concern and over-care – it makes us anxious. We want our loved one to be happy, to be safe and to thrive without harm. We do what we can to achieve this, many a time earning the resentment of the very person we are trying to “love”. Our extreme emotions can lead us to become overanxious and overzealous about the object of our affections and so we imagine drastic scenarios in which that person is hurt, harmed or even dead and start working up ourselves into a state of anxious frenzy or a panic attack.[2] The next time you are smothering someone with love, take a conscious step back. Notice your mistake, and ease yourself back a bit – everything will be okay is your mantra.

Advertising

3. Anxiety is trying to control things because we feel a spiraling loss of control ourselves.

Having anxiety is like being on a superfast train to nowhere. The thoughts and the regrets pile one on top of the other, turning the mind into mush and sending the heart into palpitations galore. We feel like everything in our life is falling to pieces and try as we might, we cannot sort through it all. Which is why people with anxiety tend to come across as control freaks. They keep the reins tight because if they lose it, they lose it epic.[3] Meditation comes in handy – just five minutes of steady in and out breathing can help you weather the storm much better.

4. Anxiety is being restless day and night.

Imagine having a mind in which thoughts run rampant like meteor showers. You are thinking about this and that, worrying about everything A to Z in your life and trying to reach a calm and restful place in the head. This continuous on-the-edge feeling is one of the main characteristics of anxiety.[4]. One of the best strategies to deal with the times you cannot sit still or keep your thoughts from racing is to go for a run…

Remember that anxiety means stress and too much stress can run you down, mentally and physically. Along with keeping up a good eating and exercising routine, seek professional help whenever you feel that your mind has become an anxious muddle.

Advertising

Reference

Read Next