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Published on February 28, 2019

How Divorce Affects Children: The Good and the Not So Good

How Divorce Affects Children: The Good and the Not So Good

Wonder how divorce affects children? And how can divorce ever be good for a child?

Divorce can be good if there is emotional, physical, or substance abuse going on in the home. If a divorce can remove the child from an abusive parent, then divorce can be a good thing.

In most cases though, it’s not that simple.

In this article, we will look into the effects divorce has on children, and what parents can do to protect and support their children.

When Is Divorce Good?

Divorce can be good if there is emotional, physical, or substance abuse going on in the home. If a divorce can remove the child from an abusive parent, then divorce can be a good thing.

In most cases though, it’s not that easy.

Sometimes, even when one parent believes abuse is occurring by the other parent, custody is shared equally because of a judge’s decision.

Divorce is complicated and usually icky. It also does not remove the other parent from the situation automatically. It is a difficult road, but if there is abuse and the abuser refuses to change and seek help, then a divorce to protect the child may be wise.

Consider all angles of help and solutions before you head for divorce court though, because a divorce means that you may not have to live in the same household as the other person, but that is not necessarily true for your child.

Think of solutions and ways to get help for your family so you can heal, rather than run from the problem. Because you may indeed be sending your child to a bad situation in which you have zero control. The parent with the abusive problems may not change and you are sending your child to their home without your protection. That’s the unfortunate thing about divorce.

You can divorce the person from yourself, but you can’t always stop their contact with the kids, even if they are abusive. Seek legal help if the abuse is affecting your children and the person refuses to seek help or change. But, be aware that your battle is just beginning. Things may get worse before they get better. Do what is best for the child in the long term.

If you are already divorced, skip down to “The Good News for the Divorced Parents”.

The Good News for the Divorced Parents

If you are the part of the 50% of the population that has gotten divorced, know that you are not alone. Half of all marriages result in divorce. This isn’t the good news.

The good news is that up to 80% of kids exhibit zero negative effects from the divorce of their parents, according to a research study by Michael Lamb.[1]

That means that 20% will have issues when a divorce occurs. There is help and support for those who are a part of that 20%, so there is hope for you and your child.

Just keep reading to learn more and find ways to get the help your child may need.

What is Most Important to a Child of Divorced Parents?

Research, including that by Michael Lamb, shows that what’s most important to a child’s adjustment to divorce are:

  • The quality of the relationships the child has with their parents
  • The quality of the relationship of the parents following the divorce
  • The resources and support provided in the situation

These three factors make a difference on whether your child can be a part of the 80% of the population of children from divorced homes who are able to successfully adjust.

Parent-Child Relationships Following Divorce

When a divorce has occurred, the quality of the relationship between the parent and child will have an enormous impact on how a child copes with the divorce. The way that a parent reacts following a divorce matters.

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Parents who make the effort to have quality time with their child following a divorce are helping their child adjust to the divorce. Parents who move on with their lives with little regard for their children and the time they spend with them, will likely result in their children having problems adjusting to the divorce.

When maladjustment occurs (which is 20% of the population of children in divorce situations) the most common problems exhibited are (in no particular order):

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Behavior Problems
  • Anger, angry outburst, problems controlling anger
  • Physical violence toward others
  • Lower grades in school compared to pre-divorce
  • Substance abuse
  • Incarceration
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Feelings of guilt, shame, and blame (thinking the divorce is their fault)
  • Decline in health
  • Social problems

Parents who make the effort to have quality time with their child following a divorce are helping their child adjust to the situation.

Loving your child is not enough when it comes to divorce. Your actions matter. Make the effort to help your child through the divorce by spending quality time with them and fostering a positive parent-child relationship.

An Example of Good Parent-Child Relationships

For example, a child named Kate is 7 years old and is an only child. She has experienced the divorce of her parents. She adjusted to the situation well though.

The parents shared equal custody of Kate and they put in a great deal of effort to provide quality parenting time with Kate. Kate was able to get more one-on-one time and attention from each parent.

When she spent time at her Mom’s home, her Mom made an effort to do weekly cooking with Kate, so they could share the experience together and Kate could learn some cooking skills. Her Mom kept up with Kate’s piano lessons and took her to her scheduled karate classes, as did her Dad.

Both parents sought to spend time with Kate helping her process the divorce while still getting plenty of time and positive attention.

Both parents also maintained good discipline. They did not absolve consequences when she misbehaved because they felt bad about the divorce. Instead, both knew that discipline was important to maintaining Kate’s sense of structure and guidance in their homes.

Their extra efforts made Kate feel loved and cared for following the divorce. She may not have wanted her parents to separate and divorce, but the love, care, and quality time she is getting from both of her parents has helped her transition.

It is the consistency from both parents in providing love, quality time, structure, guidance, and discipline in their homes that has helped Kate adjust well to the divorce.

An Example of a Bad Parent-Child Relationship

Now look at the example of Eric. Eric’s parents divorced when he was 12. He too is an only child. His mother has retained custody and his father has visitation.

Eric goes to visit with his dad every other weekend. His dad has moved in with another woman. With his dad’s focus being on this new woman and that relationship, the visits Eric has with his dad leave him feeling dejected.

He yearns for time and attention from his dad. He is pained that his parents are no longer together and secretly wants them back together. With this new woman taking his dad’s attention, Eric resents this new woman in his dad’s life.

The visits become more and more strained until Eric no longer wants to visit his dad. His dad, feeling that Eric should be able to make the choice for himself about when he should see him, lets him off the hook. He doesn’t put pressure on Eric and their visits become less and less often.

Meanwhile, Eric feels rejected by his dad, who never even tries to convince him to come visit when he cancels. Eric’s relational problem with his dad causes anger to rise in him. He acts out at school more and has gotten into several fights at school.

His mom is doing her best, but she can’t force Eric’s dad to provide the attention that Eric needs. His dad loves him, but the quality of the time they have spent together following the divorce is less than mediocre.

The lack of a quality relationship and time with his dad has led to problems in Eric’s life including uncontrolled anger, resentment, and anxiety.

His adjustment to the divorce has not been good because of the failure on his dad’s part to make an effort to maintain a quality relationship. Eric’s mom is looking to get him in to see a counselor to deal with his anger, resentment, and anxiety.

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The Relationship Between the Parents Following Divorce

The quality of the relationship between the parents matters too following a divorce. The ability for both individuals to cooperatively parent their child matters greatly and affects the adjustment of their child following a divorce.

If the parents continue to argue, yell, and scream at one another when they interact following a divorce, then the child is going to be affected. It causes anxiety, depression, anger, and sadness (among other things) to have parents who cannot communicate well following a divorce.

Disagreements are likely to happen following a divorce. Parents each have their own household, their own rules, and their own way of doing things. This will lead to disagreements in parenting.

How the disagreements are handled matters. Parents who are divorced must make an extra effort to use good conflict resolution skills. The ability for parents to have civil and kind relationships with their ex using good communication skills makes a difference in their child’s adjustment to divorce.

An Example of Divorced Parents Who Get Along

Pam and Matt got divorced a year ago. While they were married, they argued and yelled a great deal in front of their kids.

Following the divorce, they went to counseling to work on their conflict resolution skills. They have both made an effort to not resort to yelling. They communicate primarily though texts regarding the children and both make and effort to keep the messages kind, about the children, and solution oriented.

They know that they can’t avoid speaking or seeing one another completely if they want their children to adjust to the situation. Therefore, they make an effort when they see one another at baseball games and other activities with the kids that they talk kindly to one another.

They don’t choose to ignore one another. Instead, they keep conversations on a surface level in public and maintain positive interactions in front of the kids.

They had some issues come up with the kid’s schedule and a need for change. Pam wanted to switch their schedule to week on and week off so that her workplace could better accommodate her schedule. The every other day schedule was not working well for her workplace.

Matt instantly balked at the idea of change. However, rather than argue he asked for her reasons and said he would keep an open mind. Matt decided to agree to the schedule change, as it was more than just helping Pam out. It was allowing for Pam to have more time at home with the kids during her scheduled weeks with them. This way, she wouldn’t have to worry about working while the kids were at her home.

Doing what is in the best interest of the kids and getting along together is important to both Pam and Matt. Their efforts to work on having positive conflict resolution skills has helped their children adjust to the divorce.

The kids no longer experience yelling matches between their parents. They are also no longer subjected to public arguments, which the couple had done while they were married.

They maintain positive, kind, and polite communications in public for the sake of their kids and the long term parenting relationship between their ex spouse.

Nobody wins in a situation of divorce, but you can get along. Matt and Pam are an example of a couple who are making the effort to get along for the sake of their kids.

They couldn’t make their marriage work, but they have set up new boundaries and learned better conflict resolution skills that have made their co-parenting relationship work well.

Not only is it working well, but the kids no longer experience the yelling, screaming, and arguing that they had in the past.

An Example of Divorced Parents Who Are Doing It Wrong

Mick and Jane were married for eight years. They have two children together. They both cheated during the marriage. They both have moved on with new relationships.

The cheating and new relationships aren’t the real problem though. The real problem that is affecting the children is how Mick and Jane treat one another in front of the children. The interactions, although few these days, are hostile, angry, and terse. The conversations tend to end with one person walking away because they can’t seem to agree on anything.

The lawyers are making a good deal of money on this situation because Mick and Jane want to go back to court for every issue including who gets the kids at Christmas, what school the kids should attend, should they be allowed to ride the school bus, and should the kids be allowed to spend time at their grandparents.

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Everything in their kid’s lives becomes a topic of debate. Not only between Mick and Jane, but also between their attorneys. Mick and Jane don’t make any efforts to keep these matters private either. Instead, they put the kids in the middle.

For example, Jane told the kids that she has a trip to Disney World planned for them at Christmas and their dad won’t let them go. In reality that is his scheduled time. However, Jane says it is the only time she was able to get off from work.

The battles are constant. In the mix of it all are two young children, ages 5 and 7. They hear the arguments, they feel the tension, and they are not adjusting well to the divorce. The 5 year old has begun to wet the bed and suck her thumb again. The 7 year old has become sullen and angry. He is acting out at school and at both homes.

The parents blame one another for the problems their children are having, rather than working to help their children. This family is spiraling down into more problems for both children.

They aren’t getting the help they need from their parents or a professional. They are witnessing arguments and battles between parents that they should never experience.

Mick and Jane are an example of parents who are failing at co-parenting. They are both so fixated on themselves and “winning” with their attorneys at the sake of their children. Their children are the ones who will suffer the most.

Children don’t get to re-do their childhood. The pain, anger, and suffering these children are experiencing will not change until their parents change their ways and all of them get the help and counseling they need.

How to Co-Parent Successfully

Parents who can’t get along after a divorce are setting up their children to be a part of the 20% of kids of divorce who don’t adjust well. They will develop problems socially, mentally, and/or physically that can’t be easily fixed.

The worse the co-parenting relationship, the worse it is for the kids. Parents and their ability to co-parent healthily matters to their kids mental, physical, and social well-being now and into the future.

If you are divorced and have issues co-parenting, read the article Coparenting 101: 17 Helpful Strategies for Divorced Parents. You will find tips on how to start co-parenting more successfully starting today.

If you struggle to get along with your ex, find a counselor or mediator who can help you develop a better co-parent relationship.

Resources & Support for Divorced Parents

The parent-child and parent-parent relationships following divorce affect a child and their adjustment to life and their new situation. These two factors are the most important when it comes to children surviving divorce successfully and adjusting in a healthy manner.

The third component that affects children and their adjustment to a divorce is the support provided in their situation. This is the support outside of their parents. Are the kids getting the counseling that they need? Every child who goes through the divorce of their parents should get help from a counselor, support group, or professional trained to assist children in adjusting to divorce.

Divorce Care 4 Kids is an organization that hosts groups all around the world for kids who experience the divorce of their parents. These groups are low cost and often free. The classes are typically 13 weeks total, meeting once a week. The groups help children adjust to divorce and address such topics as the divorce not being the child’s fault, emotions they may be feeling, and how to communicate with their parents about the divorce.

Go to their website and type in your zip code or country (if outside of the United States) to find a group near you. Your child did not ask for the divorce. Get them the help that they need to help them process and adjust to the situation.

Other support that matters to kids and can help them adjust to the situation is extended family and friends. Their support, kindness, and love in your situation is also helping your child. They need the support, emotionally, physically, and mentally, as much as you do.

Reach out for support from your loved ones. Not everyone will likely be helpful, but for those that are helpful embrace their help and thank them. Not only are they helping you, but they are also helping your child.

Check out my other article on this topic: How to Raise Happy, Healthy Kids After Going Through a Divorce for more tips and info on how to help your child adjust following divorce.

Bonus: Things to Consider Before Getting a Divorce

According to The Institute for Family Studies, which studied 2,000 divorced couples, the top three reasons that people divorce are:[2]

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  • A lack of commitment
  • Too much conflict or arguing
  • Infidelity or extramarital affairs

In reality, abuse being named as the cause for divorce is a small percentage.

If the reason is lack of commitment in your situation, then seek some help. Don’t give up on the marriage.

Seek Professional Help from a Marriage Counselor

Read “Everything You Need to Know Before Visiting a Marriage Counselor” for help in your search of a marital counselor.

Seek professional help before you seek out a divorce attorney. You may be saving a relationship and a family at the same time.

When the reason for divorce is arguing, many couples believe that getting divorced will help the children because they will be exposed to less arguing. The constant yelling, screaming, and arguments can cease with a divorce.

However, has healing or resolution really occurred? You may be teaching your child that rather than work through a tough situation, you leave.

Improve Your Conflict Resolution Skills

Who is to say you are going to get along better after a divorce? Are your conflict resolution skills going to magically improve when you get a divorce? What about the idea of working on your conflict resolutions skills before you pursue a divorce?

The problem is not the arguing. The problem is your conflict resolution skills.

You can have disagreements. Those are normal in any relationship. How you handle the disagreement is what is most important. It is important to you, your spouse, and your children witnessing the disagreement that good conflict resolution skills are practiced in your household.

If you can learn healthy conflict resolution skills for your marriage, you can become an example to your child of how to handle disagreements in a healthy manner. You may also be saving your marriage at the same time.

Check out this article for practical tips on conflict resolution: The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

Again, if you can’t seem to develop these skills alone or as a couple, then seek professional help from a marriage counselor.

Conclusion

There are no guarantees that your child will survive your divorce unscathed. However, 80% of all kids are able to adjust to divorce without any major problems. For the 20%, there is help available.

Professional help is imperative. What also will help your child are the two most important factors following a divorce: healthy co-parenting relationships and quality time with parent-child. Your job as a parent is to get along with your ex for the sake of your child.

If you struggle to find common ground, then involve a mediator and keep communications to a minimum outside of the mediator. Also, work to develop better conflict resolution skills to facilitate a better co-parenting relationship long term.

Your relationship with your child following the divorce matters. Making the effort to spend quality time with your child is important. It will affect your child’s ability to adjust to divorce.

Do everything you can to foster a healthy, happy, and functional relationship with your child. Not only for their sake and their development, but also for the sake of your long term relationship with them.

Featured photo credit: Annie Spratt via unsplash.com

Reference

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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Last Updated on November 17, 2019

40 Amazing Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day

40 Amazing Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, starry-eyed lovers worldwide are getting ready to celebrate their love and planning the perfect date for their partner. However, there are many loving, caring, and generally great people out there who simply can’t think of a single romantic thing to do, let alone create the ultimate Valentine’s Day experience for their loved one. If you are looking for some great date ideas that will put a smile on your partner’s face and melt their heart, then just keep on reading. I’ve got a pretty big list of choices for you. Here are some great ideas ranging from tried and true classics, to the fun and slightly unconventional.

1. Rom-coms marathon

This is a very basic yet highly romantic way of spending the day with your partner. Take a few days to prepare the right playlist and create a romantic atmosphere at home. You can order out some food, open a bottle of wine and cuddle up in front of the TV.

2. Recreate your first date

Rated pretty high on the “romantic gestures scale,” this is guaranteed to impress your significant other. It requires a good memory and a bit of work to make it just right, but it is well worth it. Walk down the same streets where you first kissed and have a couple of drinks in that old coffee shop where you had your first drinks together. Don’t be afraid to spend a bit extra and add a little romantic gift into the mix.

3. Cook for your loved one

Start researching good recipes for a romantic dinner for two, get the right ingredients and prepare a couple of practice dinners to make sure you’ve got your technique and presentation down pat. Cooking for someone can be a big turn on and you can create some incredible meals without spending too much money. Take it up a notch by dressing classy, decorating your dining room and presenting your partner with a printed menu.

4. Organize your very own ancient Greek party

Here’s another one of those creative date ideas for the stay-at-home couple. The ancient Greek private party can be a very fun and erotic experience. You can decorate by using big bowls full of grapes, spreading some white sheets all over the place, placing some plastic vines here and there, putting up a few posters depicting Greek parties and having plenty of wine lying around. Wear nothing but light sheets or costumes and channel some of that hot-blooded Greek spirit.

5. A romantic weekend getaway in the mountains

For those looking for a change of scenery and an escape from the busy city, there is nothing better than a quiet, romantic weekend in the mountains. There are plenty of fun activities like skiing that will keep you active. You can have fun making a snowman or engaging in a snowball fight, and, of course, there is plenty of privacy and great room service waiting for you back at your room.

6. Fun day at the shooting range

A bit unconventional but an incredibly fun and exciting date that will get your blood pumping and put a huge smile on your faces. Try out a number of guns and have a bit of a competition. Some outdoor ranges have fully automatic rifles, which are a blast to shoot.

7. Rent an expensive sports car for a day

Don’t be afraid to live large from time to time—even if you can’t afford the glamorous lifestyle of the stars, you can most definitely play pretend for a day. Put on some classy clothes and drive around town in a rented sports car. The quick acceleration and high speed are sure to provide an exhilarating experience.

8. Go on a shopping spree together

Very few things can elicit such a huge dopamine rush as a good old shopping spree. Get some new lingerie, pretty shoes, a nice shirt and tie, a couple of new video games or whatever else you need or want. This is a unique chance to bond, have fun and get some stuff that you’ve been waiting to buy for a while now.

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9. Hit the clubs

For all the party animals out there, one of the best date ideas is to go out drinking, dancing, and just generally enjoying the night life. Visit a few good clubs, then go to an after-party and keep that party spirit going for as long as you can.

10. Spend the day driving around the city and visiting new places

This one is geared towards couples who have been together for a year or two and want to experience a few new things together. Visit a few cool coffee places on the other side of town, check out interesting restaurants you’ve never been to, and consider going to see a play or having fun at a comedy club on open mic night.

11. Wine and chocolates at sunset

Pick out a romantic location, such as a camping spot on a hill overlooking the city or a balcony in a restaurant with a nice view, open a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates and wait for that perfect moment when the sky turns fiery red to embrace and share a passionate kiss.

12. Ice skating

There is something incredibly fun about ice skating that brings people closer together and just keeps you laughing (maybe it’s all the falling and clinging to the other person for dear life). You can have some great fun and then move on to a more private location for some alone time.

13. Body painting

Speaking of private locations and intimate moments, body painting allows you to spice things up back at your place and add a new element of fun to foreplay. You’ll need adequate body paints and some brushes and the rest is up to you. You can do tiger stripes, paint a t-shirt on your partner, or go for something more abstract—the choice is yours.

14. Model clothes for each other

This one goes well when combined with a shopping spree, but you can just get a bunch of your clothes—old and new—from the closet, set up a catwalk area and then try on different combinations. You can be stylish, funny or beautiful. It’s a great after-dinner show and a good way to transition into a more intimate atmosphere.

15. Dance the night away

If you and your significant other are relatively good dancers, or if you simply enjoy moving your body to the rhythm of the music, then a night at salsa club or similar venue is the perfect thing for you. Alternatively, you can set up dance floor at home, play your favorite music, have a few drinks and dance like there is no tomorrow.

16. Lock the doors, turn off the phones and have the whole house to yourselves

This one might seem a bit obvious and kind of redundant seeing as how I’ve already mentioned a bunch of stay-at-home date ideas that require this step as a prerequisite, but when I say, “Have the whole house to yourselves,” I literally mean turning the whole house into romantic stage where you can explore your fantasies. Decorate each room a bit differently, have a lot of snacks and drinks lying around, put a bunch of blankets and pillows on the floor and go from room to room throughout the day. You can start off with a steaming shower, have a romantic meal, then watch a movie cuddled up on the couch and eventually make your way to the bedroom.

17. Organize a nature walk

Being outside has many health benefits, but what you are going for is the beautiful view, seclusion, and the thrill of engaging in some erotic behavior out in the open. You can rent a cottage far from the city, bring some food and drinks, and explore the wilderness. This is nice way to spice things up a bit and get away from the loud and busy city life.

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18. Act out a fun scenario wearing costumes

Some role-playing may be just the thing you need to spice up your love life after a few years of being together, but it can be a very fun experience for new couples as well. Work on the scenario together (wounded soldier and nurse, a female cop arresting a robber, etc.), buy the right costumes and accessories beforehand and find a good setting. You could also rent a hotel room to add to the forbidden-fruit vibe.

19. Travel abroad

This takes a bit of planning in advance and may be a bit costly, but if you can afford it, there are very few things that can match a trip to France, Italy, Egypt, Turkey, Greece, or a number of other excellent locations.

20. Go on a hot-air balloon ride

These are very fun and romantic—you get an incredible view, get to experience the thrill of flying, and you’ve got enough room for a romantic dinner and some champagne. Just be sure to wear warm clothes, it can get pretty cold high up in the air.

21. A relaxing day at the spa

Treat your body, mind and senses to a relaxing day at the spa. You and your partner will feel fresh, comfortable and relaxed—a perfect date for the more serious couples who don’t get to spend as much time with each other as they’d like.

22. A trip down memory lane

This one is great for long-term couples who will benefit from reminiscing about all of their fondest memories together from the start of the relationship through to the present, reliving some of the most significant moments they shared.

23. Fun times at a karaoke bar

A great choice for couples celebrating their first Valentine’s Day together—it’s fairly informal and inexpensive, yet incredibly fun and allows for deeper bonding. Once you have a few drinks in your system and come to terms with the fact that you are making a complete fool of yourself, you’ll have the time of your life!

24. Helicopter tour of the city followed by dinner

A modern equivalent to the hot-air balloon ride, the helicopter tour is among the more reasonably priced date ideas and is incredibly romantic and exciting. After about half an hour or an hour of sightseeing you can finish off the upper-class experience by dining in a nice restaurant.

25. Horseback riding

Horseback riding is incredibly fun, especially if you’ve never done it before. And what girl doesn’t dream of a prince coming to take her on an adventure on his noble steed? It evokes a sense of nobility and is a very good bonding experience.

26. Plan a fun date night with other couples

Take a break and rent a cabin in the woods, go to a mountain resort, a couple’s retreat, or just organize a huge date night at someone’s place and hang out with other couples. This is a great option for couples who have spent at least one Valentine’s Day together and allows you to customize your experience to suit your needs. Also, you can always retire early and get some alone time with your partner if you so desire.

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27. Cocktail night

This can be done privately, or with other couples if you are organizing a group Valentine’s Day celebration at someone’s house. All you need is a bunch of different drinks, a few accessories like fruit and spices, and internet access to check out some cool recipes online. Try out all sorts of fun cocktails and mix some brand new ones on your own. Make it a fancy dress night for added fun.

28. Make reservations at an exclusive restaurant

A fairly old school move, except this time you can pick out a restaurant that serves a particular type of cuisine you’ve never tried before. Go for a place that has unusual menus and likes to make a show out of presenting the food, rather than just going for your regular “suits and monocles” type venue.

29. Go to a concert

There are a whole bunch of things happening around Valentine’s Day, so go online and check out what’s happening near you. You’ll surely be able to find tickets for a cool concert or some type of festival with live music.

30. Fancy night on the town

Buy some elegant new clothes, rent a limo for the night and go to a nice restaurant, followed by a jazz club or gallery exhibition. Walk tall, make a few sarcastic quips, and have a few laughs with your partner while letting your inner snob take charge for a few hours.

31. Take a tour of the historical and cultural sites of your city

For the cultured crowd and history buffs among us, a day spent learning about some of the local history and delving deeper into national culture is both incredibly fun and a great way to share a unique experience with a loved one. You’d be surprised to find just how much you don’t know about the place you live in.

32. Live out a James Bond film at a casino

A beautiful lady in a simple yet sensual, form-fitting, black dress, and a strong and handsome, if somewhat stern-looking man in a fine suit walk up to a roulette table with drinks in hand and place bets at random as they smile at each other seductively. This is a scenario most of us wish to play out, but rarely get a chance. It can be a bit costly, but this is one of the most incredibly adventurous and romantic date ideas.

33. Go bungee jumping

People in long-term relationships often talk about things like keeping a relationship fun and exciting, doing new things together, trusting each other and using aphrodisiacs. Well, bungee jumping is a fun, exhilarating activity you can both enjoy; it requires trust and the adrenaline rush you get from it is better than any aphrodisiac out there. Just saying, give it a shot and you won’t regret it.

34. Take a tour of a winery or brewery

Taking a tour like this can be a great opportunity to learn new things about wine or beer (or perhaps whiskey) and how it is made, while at the same time getting a chance to taste some excellent drinks and get a few bottles for later in the evening.

35. Make a fun music video

Meet up earlier in the day, take decent camera, and start shooting a music video. Rehearse the lyrics (you can even make up your own silly song), dress up, and start filming. You’ll have tons of fun doing it and you can edit the video later and have a cool memento.

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36. Play some sports

Some one-on-one basketball, a soccer match against another couple, a bit of tennis, or even something as simple as a table tennis tournament (make it fun by stripping off items of clothing when you lose a game). You can combine this with date idea #13 and paint team uniforms on each other and play in the nude.

37. Visit a club with live music

A great option for just about any couple—pick a club that has live performers (whether it’s jazz, rock or even a poetry reading) and dress up for the occasion. Be sure to make reservations in advance to avoid the Valentine’s Day rush, and focus on making your date feel comfortable.

38. Take skydiving lessons

Another adrenaline-filled date, skydiving is sure to get your heart racing like crazy and leave you with a goofy grin for the rest of the day. You can offset all the excitement by ending the day with a quiet dinner at home.

39. Go for some paintball

Playing war games is an excellent way to get your body moving, focus on some of that hand-eye-coordination, and engage your brain in coming up with tactical solutions in the heat of the moment. It is also a great bonding experience, adrenaline-fueled fun, and role-playing all wrapped into one. And when you get back home, you can always act out the wounded soldier scenario (see #18).

40. Fill the whole day with random fun activities

Just say no to plans, reservations and clichés—take your partner by the hand, have your credit card ready and just go out and have some fun. Bowling, followed by a drink at a coffee shop and then a romantic movie? Sure, why not? Going for lunch at a nice restaurant and then organizing a double-date game night? Go right ahead. Going for a long walk in the park, visiting a museum, followed by romantic meal at home and then going out to a club? Hey, who am I to say no? You can use some of the ideas from this article and mash them up together to create a fun-filled Valentine’s Day you’ll both remember.

There you go, a whole bunch of useful date ideas for all you loving couples out there. You can pick out any one of these, make some adjustments or even combine different options to create the perfect Valentine’s Day date for your significant other. Plan ahead, have fun and celebrate your love proudly.

Featured photo credit: Relevante design via unsplash.com

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