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Entitled Kids Are Parents’ Biggest Enemies

Entitled Kids Are Parents’ Biggest Enemies

An old Proverb says “Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished: but he that gathers by labor shall increase.” It is good advice. We probably have applied this to our own lives already. We believe that nothing good or worthwhile comes easily, so we work hard to earn what we want. Unfortunately, kids these days seem to be missing that message. They are growing up feeling and acting as though their mere existence entitles them to money, the newest smart phone, TVs, designer clothes, and more. The entitlement attitude is pervasive in our culture and it starts with what we are teaching our children.

If we don’t want our culture to be entitled, we need to start preventing entitlement in our own homes. That way, 20 years from now, you won’t have a 30 year old living in your guest suite using your credit card for their needs because they have no desire to go out and earn it for themselves.

Video Summary

How entitlement begins

None of us wants to think that we are making our children feel entitled. However, it happens easily to all of us, especially to good parents. Parents who try hard to give their children a good, happy, and full childhood easily fall into the entitlement parenting trap. It’s because of a parent’s desire to make their child happy that they give too much. Their child grows up without any wanting. Needs and desires are met by the parent and thus the child not only feels, but knows that their parent is there to provide for them.

Needs are essential to be met by parents, but what about all those wants? Is a phone a want or a need? What kind of clothing becomes a want instead of a need? You as a parent need to start differentiating between needs and wants in order to properly parent in a manner that works to diminish entitlement attitudes.

We want our children to feel happy and loved, but our efforts can be undermining them mentally. We may be feeding into the development of their entitlement attitude by doing and giving too much. Psychology Today examines children’s sense of entitlement and states,[1]

Yet, when children receive everything they want, we feed into their sense of entitlement—and feelings of gratitude fall by the wayside. It’s what Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, believes is a “Me, Me, Me” epidemic brought on by parents doing everything they can to insure their children’s happiness.

Good parents who are trying very hard unfortunately are feeding into the entitlement epidemic when they give their kids too much. Wanting your children to be happy is wonderful, but there are ways to help develop their character so that the entitlement attitude does not seep into your household.

How to know if your child is acting entitled

There are some indicators with your child’s behavior that will show you whether or not they have or are developing an attitude of entitlement. These are just some examples:

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  • They do not handle losing well.
  • They do not congratulate winning opponents (whether it be in sports, a board game, or simply a race on the playground).
  • They do not cope well with being told “no”.
  • They do not make an effort to help around the household.
  • When asked to help, they whine and complain, as though they should not be expected to help in the household.
  • They often think the rules apply to other people and not to them.
  • If they have a problem in school or life, they expect you as the parent to take care of the problem for them.
  • They expect to be rewarded for good behavior with toys or treats, rather than good behavior being expected from the parents and does not require rewards. This is especially true in public places such as going to the market.
  • They do not care about the feelings, needs, or desires of others. Act selfish and self centered in general.
  • They do not accept responsibility for the behavior or things that have gone wrong that are their fault. Make excuses or passes the blame to others.
  • Things are never enough for them. They always want more, bigger, or better of whatever it may be that they currently have or are doing.
  • They do not express genuine gratitude when appropriate, such as getting a gift or a compliment. You as a parent are always having to prompt them to say “thank you”.
  • If their friend has something, the expectation is that they should have it too.
  • If they request a list of items for a birthday or holiday, then they expect that they will receive all of the items on their list. If they do not get all of the requested items, they will be disappointed, rather than grateful for what they did get.
  • They always seek to be the first and are upset or greatly disappointed when they are not the first (i.e. first in line, first to get a task completed, first to finish an exercise).

How to prevent entitlement

Preventing entitlement starts with the parent. It can start today. You have the power to say “yes” and to say “no” to your child. You, as parent, are the rule maker and can help pave the way to making your kids grateful rather than entitled. Below are some tips to pave the way with your family to preventing entitlement.

Stop doing

Stop doing everything for your child. Allow them to do things that they can do for themselves. If they are able to handle a complex video game, then they are more than capable of doing the dishes, raking leaves, making their bed, and more.

We don’t give our kids enough credit. They are far more capable then we recognize. Kids at the age of 5 are out on street corners selling candy and goods to tourists in third world countries. They make change for buyers, interact with their buyers, and work all day to help provide income for their family. Therefore, we can certainly expect our own 5 year-olds to make their bed, unload the dishwasher, and clean up their toys.

Children are smart, capable, and hard working when properly motivated. If the expectation is that they can complete a task then they will be able to do it. If the expectation is that they cannot do something, then they won’t be able to do it. You, the parent, are the agent to empower them to do things by asking, providing them with directions, and then setting the expectation that they will complete the task at hand.

Empower your children by doing less for them. If they are capable of doing something, then let them do it!

Teach them to be good losers

Your child will not win at everything. Therefore, they need to learn the art of being a gracious loser. From a young age, they should be taught to congratulate the winner and to shake their opponent’s hand. Talk to your child about winning and losing. Let them know it is ok to lose. It is an opportunity to learn and become better. They should congratulate the winner because someday they may be the winner and it will be nice to have others providing the congratulatory messages to them.

The world is a better place if we can be happy for the successes of others, especially if those people are friends and family. When playing games as a family or with friends, teach them by example. Congratulate the winners whole-heartedly and make the winner feel good about their achievement, even it if is just Chutes and Ladders.

For the losers, you say “better luck next time” and give them a genuine smile. Teach your child that these are the ways we show kindness to others, especially when we lose. This is a harder lesson for younger children to grasp, but be consistent with your own behavior and your insistence that they act the same way when they do not win. Eventually your hard work should pay off and you will have a child who has genuinely learned to be happy for others because they know what it is like to be a winner and a loser and they cannot win at all times.

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Use the opportunity of failure or losing to explain to your child about some of the greats in this world that did not at first succeed. Oprah did not get her first TV job she interviewed for and Tom Hanks dropped out of college and was a bellhop before he became famous. You can also use the opportunity to discuss what they did well in their game or whatever it was that they just lost. Point out the good and then ask them what they think they could improve upon. Let them think introspectively on this, rather than you pointing it out. Otherwise, you will just come across as the critical parent, which is insult to injury following a loss.

Talk about responsibility for their actions

We all have encountered that adult in life who constantly blames other people for the bad things that happen in their life. It is never their own fault. It is always someone else that has caused their demise. These adults were once children. This behavior likely started in childhood and they never overcame this attitude. They don’t know how to accept responsibility for their actions.

Parents must teach their children from a young age to take responsibility for their wrong doings. If they make a mistake they own up to it. Instead of belittling the child for their wrong doing, use it as a learning opportunity. Engage them in a discussion about what happened and why. Allow them to take responsibility and ownership of their role in the situation, yet follow it up with discussion on how it is an opportunity for the child to learn and grow. They can have a different course of action the next time something similar happens. Help them determine a better action for handling the situation, so the next time it arises, they are better equipped mentally and emotionally to take on the event, person, or circumstance.

“I am sorry” is a powerful phrase. Adults that fail to apologize, were not properly taught as kids to use this phrase. Teach your children to use it now and use it often. For the big mistakes and the little mistakes. When they apologize, they should be taught to be specific with their apology. “I am sorry for (fill in the blank)”. Taking responsibility means a heartfelt apology. Often they need to understand how their actions hurt the other person in order to provide a heartfelt apology. If they don’t understand how the other person is feeling, it is hard to feel sorry for the action. Therefore, a parent who can take the time to help the child understand how the hurt party is feeling will better equip your child with empathy and compassion.

For example, if your child stole their best friend’s new ball cap, then sit down and have a conversation with your child before you take them to their friend’s home to return the hat and apologize. You ask your child, “how would you feel if you had the hat stolen and it was something you worked hard for doing chores to raise the money to purchase the hat or it was a gift from a relative you love greatly?” Help them empathize with the loss that their friend may be feeling. Rather than yell at them for their wrong doing, use it as an opportunity to learn from their mistake and become better. Having to return the hat and apologize will be a punishment in itself.

Talk about the value of a dollar

It is important to talk about money from a young age. Children need to learn about the value of money and its essential nature in our lives. Talking about money and cost of living should be an on-going conversation in your household. They need to understand that food, a home, transportation, and clothing all require money. Money comes from working. They should also see that there are times when you too can’t have something you desire. Talk openly about a budget, so that one day when you say “it is not in the budget”, they understand what you mean.

It is difficult for a child to understand the value of a dollar if they have never had to earn one. One of the best ways for a child to learn to appreciate the value of a dollar is for them to earn money. If they are too young to be employed, they can still earn cash in the neighborhood shoveling driveways, babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, and working for friends and neighbors. They can also begin doing household chores and be provided an allowance for the chores that they complete. If you already have chores and they are required as a part of being a member of the family or household, then provide extra jobs over and above the regular chores that they can then earn money for completing. The point is for them to earn it themselves. They do the work and they earn a fair wage.

Don’t be indulgent and over pay your child for the chores they complete or you are undermining your efforts to teach them the value of a dollar. Make a list of the chores and the amount of money they will earn for completing the jobs. This way they know what is exactly expected and how much money they can earn. Then when it comes time for the next special toy or technology they come asking for, you can help them earn it rather than give it to them.

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Just say no and make them work for it

You are the parent. You can say “no”. You should say “no”. Have you ever met a child who has never been told “no” by their parents? If you have, you know that child is the most spoiled kid in need of a serious attitude adjustment. When parents are quick to say yes all the time, then kids grow up thinking that the world will say “yes” to their every whim and desire. That’s not the real world though.

Our kids will experience rejection, heartache, and being told no many times in the course of their life. If they can experience it in the home and learn how to handle the “no” and deal with it, they are better off in the long run. They will be better equipped to handle a no in the real world, because you have said no enough times that they can emotionally handle the disappointment. They also know the alternatives. For example, if its a new video game that they want, you tell them no, you must earn it. From there the child goes to look at the chart and calculates which and how many of the chores they must complete in order to earn the video game. They will also learn other valuable skills in this process, such as time management, because they will need to set aside time every day for a number of days or weeks to complete all the tasks to earn the amount of money they need.

Saying “no” and providing alternatives for your child to earn what they want is empowering. You are teaching them to fish. An old proverb says,

“if you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, if you teach a man to fish he will eat for a lifetime”.

Teach your child how to earn for themselves so they can be better equipped for a lifetime.

Delayed gratification is also powerful. When children learn that they can earn something for themselves that they truly want, then when they do finally earn it they feel empowered. They worked hard and they made their goal happen. They earned it themselves. This is a powerful agent to help increase self esteem. Keep the chore list going, so that your child has the opportunity to grow their self worth by completing tasks and earning the things that they want in life.

Help them find gratitude

Much like teaching your children the art of being a good loser and how to apologize, teaching gratitude is an ongoing lesson. There is a saying,

“Gratitude begins where my sense of entitlement ends.”

Children learn to be grateful first when they do not get everything they desire. What happens when they get everything they want and ask for is that they expect everything they ask for. You set the expectation by saying “yes” too often. Allow for them to want. Not for basic necessities of course, but for things above and beyond the essentials in life. They will become grateful for the things that they do get when they are not handed everything they ask for.

Teach them to say thank you. Talk about how when someone gives them a nice gift that person (or their Mom or Dad) had to go to work to earn the money to buy that gift. Talk about how it is nice to have generous friends and family because not everyone has that in their life. Make them responsible for thanking others, both verbally and in writing. When your child receives a gift have them write a thank you note in return. It does not need to be long and eloquent. Just the practice of taking the time to write thank you and that the gift is appreciated helps them practice gratitude. They can carry this valuable skill into adulthood.

Grateful people are also happier people, so help your child see that they should be grateful for the blessings, big and small, in their life.

Help them practice giving back to other

Find opportunities for you and your child to give back to others. It can be through material things, but even more valuable when your time is given. Giving your time with your child to others is of great value and a great life lesson. Your child being exposed to others less fortunate is helpful in curbing entitlement.

Kids Giving Back supports families getting into their community to give back. They state,

We strongly believe that when young people volunteer they develop respect, resilience, and leadership skills, as well as the ability and opportunity to positively engage in the wider community. Our philosophy embraces volunteering as a two-way street, giving children and their families an opportunity to change lives, including their own.

Teaching your child to give back to others is empowering to them on so many levels from creating leadership skills, problem solving skills, and self esteem from the experience of helping others in need. Teaching kids that there are others in the world that have so much less than them will help them become more grateful. Having them serve others also makes them more service oriented and creates an awareness of the need to help others in this world.

Entitlement attitudes fall by the wayside when a child has learned the value and importance of helping others and giving to others in need.

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Reference

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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Published on January 24, 2020

5 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Psychology-Backed)

5 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Psychology-Backed)

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Parenting is hard. It takes a great deal of effort to be even a decent parent. My husband and I are raising our three children ages 6, 6, and 7.

Yes, I have my hands full. Twin six-year-old boys and a seven-year-old girl keep me on my parenting toes, so to speak. It is not easy, but I do my best to be a good parent. Having a PhD in psychology is helpful, but I still devour plenty of parenting books and research articles to continually try to do better. I am still a work in progress just like all parents.

    It would be great if we knew exactly what to do and how to do it with our kids. But not all kids are the same and they are not born with a manual that provides us with instructions on how to raise them right. However, we do have research on parenting and psychology that can help us out and point us in the right direction.

    Below I have five tips on how to improve your parenting skills starting today! These tips are backed by research. The first step toward being a great parent is knowing how. It is difficult to be a good parent without knowing first and foremost the how and why.

    1. Practice Loving without Conditions

    Loving unconditionally seems like a given that we all assume we are doing as a parent. However, we may have behaviors or words spoken that undermine our ability for our children to feel unconditionally loved.

    For example, asking our child if he wants another mom when he is acting out is not practicing unconditional love. The message that is being sent to the child is that if they act out or misbehave, they are at risk of losing you as a mother, since you ask “do you want another mom” or “do you want to live somewhere else?”

    If you have ever made these statements, it doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent. However, if we want our child to feel loved unconditionally, then we need to stop saying things that make the child feel like the relationship could ever be severed because of their behavior.

    Another way to look at these threats is comparing them to threatening divorce. If you have ever been married, or lived in a home with married parents, then you know that when one person threatens divorce, it cuts to the core.

    Threatening divorce damages the relationship, because trust is lost. The other person begins to feel that that their relationship may not be forever, and that the relationship can be ended because their spouse is threatening divorce. Even if the person threatening doesn’t really mean what they are saying and they truly love their spouse, the words are damaging none the less.

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    The same principles go for parent and child relationships. If a child has been threatened with loss of their current home life, the parent leaving them, or being placed in foster care, then that child does not feel loved unconditionally. They will believe that love from their parent is contingent on their behavior. It is conditional love which means that they are only loved under certain conditions.

    My son Charlie has recently gotten into the habit of saying “I love you Mom” every time that he gets in trouble. He kicked the dog the other day. Not hard, but nevertheless he kicked our family dog. I was fuming. I yelled at him and he was sent to his room for a long time out (I know the yelling was not a good thing to do). I couldn’t even think of a consequence in the heat of the moment so I said “go to your room, I don’t want to see you right now, I will think about your consequence later.”

    He cried, and as he was running up the stairs and he was saying “I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy.” Why was he saying that? Because in his six-year-old mind, he is worried that I will stop loving him if he has bad behavior.

    Kids don’t know that we love them unconditionally. They are learning though and we must teach them that we do. My response in this situation and always is to say “I love you too.” I then usually follow it up with “I don’t like your behavior right now, but I will always love you.”

    Kids need to be told that they are loved regardless of their behavior. It needs to be ingrained that they are loved even if they act out, break the rules, or misbehave.

    An article by Elite Daily examined several research studies on unconditional love.[1] The findings from these studies showed that children become more well-adjusted, emotionally healthy, and physically healthy adults when they experience unconditional love in childhood. When children are exposed to conditional love in their parent-child relationship, the research showed that, children have higher levels of anxiety which in turn negatively affects their long-range health, such as heart health.

    Loving unconditionally means loving without conditions. Unconditional love is loving someone just the way that they are, flaws and all. Tell your children that you love them, even when they break the rules, misbehave, or they tell you that they hate you (most kids say this to their parents at some point in time).

    You must always respond with “I love you regardless of your behavior.” It doesn’t mean that you are accepting or allowing the bad behavior. There should always be reasonable consequences to match the behavior. However, they shouldn’t ever be made to feel that the love of their parent can be revoked because of bad behaviors.

    2. Develop a Bond That Will Last a Lifetime by Creating Memories

    You need to spend time with your kids in order to create a bond. Quality time matters, but so does quantity time.

    Kids want to be with their parents. Spend time together as a family. For example, make it a point to have dinner at the kitchen or dining room table at least a few nights a week. Make a rule that no technology is allowed at the table during that time, so that you can talk and spend time together.

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    Before you know it, that child will be grown and out of your home. Take the time to spend meal times together, talking and truly getting to know your child before they leave your home as an adult.

    Barking Up the Wrong Tree looked at research on how to create happy memories that last a lifetime. Some of the things discovered in the research included:[2]

    • Memories are made when our senses and emotions are elevated.
    • If we are pulling out the camera phone, it is likely an elevated experience that you want to remember.
    • Celebrating milestones and praiseworthy moments (graduations, winning seasons, etc.) helps to create positive lasting memories.
    • Struggling together creates a bond. If you have worked through conflict in your relationship and made it better in the process then you have created a bond. Fraternities haze, soldier fight together, and families overcome struggles together. These all make for lasting bonds. When you struggle together as a family, celebrate the success at the end of your victory, once you have overcome the challenge together.

    Take the time to make memories with your children. They are only little once. Go on those vacations, hike to the top of a mountain together, sail across an ocean, go camping, or teach them to ice-skate.

    Do anything and everything that will help create memories, bonds, and experiences that will last a lifetime in their memory. Those memories are what will carry them into old age with happiness in their heart.

    3. Stop the Yelling

    Yelling at our kids is not good parenting. Yet it is still happening on regular basis in most homes. I admit, I am still continually working on this one. I think this quote summarizes the situation.

      However, I know I need to continually work to not yell or raise my voice, as I would prefer a household with zero voices ever raised.

      Yelling causes our children to become anxious. It also affects them emotionally and mentally in a negative manner. If you have ever been yelled at by a boss or superior, you probably remember it and it is not a fond memory. It made you feel bad. It is hard enough to be reprimanded in a calm voice.

      When someone, whether adult or child, is yelled at while being reprimanded it causes anxiety, stress, and negative emotions to abound. When the yelling involves name calling or insults it becomes emotional abuse.

      Heathline Parenthood examined research on the topic of yelling and found that parents who yell at their kids end up with children who are more aggressive verbally and physically.[3] Children learn from their parents’ example. If yelling is a regular occurrence in your household, then your child is learning that when dealing with behavior or situations that they don’t like, it is appropriate to yell. None of us want to teach that to our children, so we must take action to stop the yelling.

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      Healthline provides some tips on how to stop yelling:

      • Know what triggers the yelling. What are the behaviors occurring or situations where you find yourself yelling at your children?
      • When you feel that you are going to yell, give yourself a time out or count to ten.
      • Practice responding in a calm, even tone. Practice makes the action a habit.
      • If you do yell, then admit the mistake and apologize to your child. They will then learn that it is not an acceptable behavior and that they too should apologize if they make a mistake and end up yelling. (Yes, I apologized to Charlie for yelling and he had to apologize to our dog Max.)

      My article about yelling less at your kids less is also helpful: The Only Effective Way to Talk With Children When They Are Acting Out. This article outlines the steps to use the “one-ask” parenting approach. This approach is used to help parents follow up with consequences more quickly so that situations don’t escalate to worse behavior by the children and yelling from the parents. Some tips from this article on talking to your children without yelling include the following.

      • Get on their level, talking face to face in a calm voice.
      • Don’t make repeated threats about a consequence that is coming to them and wait for the situation to become more heated.
      • Follow through with the consequence (i.e. loss of playtime or time-out) immediately after they violate your warning. Don’t wait for them to repeat the bad behavior several more times. One warning is all that is needed. Then, if they break the rule or don’t obey, the consequence should be immediately implemented.

      If you find that your yelling is so entrenched in your daily behaviors that you have a hard time kicking the habit and you need more support, then buy, or find at your local library, the book Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. Their tips were even featured on the Focus on the Family national radio program and were rated as a number one show for 2019. Their gentle parenting methods simply work.

      A quote from the book:

      “Peacemaking moms produce peacemaking kids.”

      Wendy and Amber also have a Facebook group that is free to join. It is Gentle Parenting with Amber and Wendy. In this group, you will find thousands of other parents looking for support to yell less in their homes. Check out the group if you want more connected support to stop yelling at your kids. I am a member of this group too. Nobody is perfect, but we can do better as parents by yelling less starting today.

      4. Provide Experiences Over Toys

      Toys are fun. But our kids don’t need an excess of overcomplicated, electronic, and expensive toys in order to be happy or develop in a healthy manner. Focusing on experiences over toys is a way to improve as a parent now.

      The next holiday or birthday that comes up, think about gifting your child an experience, for example, a year membership to the children’s museum or zoo. Another experience is a trip to someplace interesting such as a National Park. These experiences help to create memories. They also help to make your child a more well rounded individual as they are out in the world experiencing activities rather than sitting in their room playing the newest video game.

      Motherly posted a recent article that delved into the science that experiences are better for our kids than toys. Here is a quote from that article that is worth noting.[4]

      And if we need one more reason to cool it on the toy giving, researchers have discovered that gratitude and generosity increase when experiences are given instead of objects. Thomas Gilovich, a psychology professor at Cornell University, conducted many studies over many decades and found that happiness is derived from experiences, not things. Bottom line: The happiness derived from a childhood experience is far more significant than the fleeting excitement of toys under the Christmas tree. Giving experiences that involve spending time together instead of gifting toys brings greater and longer-lasting joy. Don’t stress about the number of toys, mama. Focus on making memories.

      Creating family experiences and making memories go hand-in-hand. Our money and resources get more bang for their buck when they are used on experiences for the family instead of things. The research from the Motherly article shows that families are happier overall when they have more experiences together and less toys.

      5. Let Them Play and Be a Child

      Play and childhood development go hand-in-hand. However, the amount of playtime our children are getting has been diminishing in recent decades.

      We are so intent on our children learning, that we take away from their playtime. Play is learning. We need to get our children back to basic playtime so they can develop and learn in a natural way.

      Increase their playtime and limit the electronics. Research by Very Well Family found that too much technology is damaging to our children.[5] When children get too much time on electronic devices, their research found that children have sleep issues, obesity, behavior problems, academic problems, and emotional issues. Limit your children’s time on technology.

      According to We Can, we need to aim for less than two of screen time per day for our school aged children. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends far less time for children under the age of five. We Can offers a free screen time chart so you can track your child’s time on digital devices.

      The goal is to get children playing and off the technology. Playing will help them developmentally. In my book Let Them Play, I explain the importance of play and provide 100 child developmental play activities. Some great play activities that promote development and learning that are listed in the book including Play Doh, magnet blocks, Legos, puppet shows, and hopscotch.

      Parents can teach their children different play activities while they actively play with their children. Fifteen or twenty minutes of playtime together can help to create bonding time between parent and child. Then the parent can allow their children to continue playing the activity on their own. This play time is crucial to the child’s healthy social, emotional, physical, and cognitive development.

      They are only little once. Let them be a child when they are little. Two-year-old children aren’t meant to sit at desks for hours completing school work. They were made to play, explore, and be active physically. This is how they learn and develop best.

      Final Thoughts

      These are not the only ways to improve as a parent. However, these are five ways that you can begin improving as a parent starting today.

      Nobody is a perfect parent, which means we all have room for improvement. Look at your own parenting methods objectively and decide where you can improve. Then do something about it.

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      Featured photo credit: Jonathan Daniels via unsplash.com

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