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Last Updated on April 18, 2018

Entitled Kids Are Parents’ Biggest Enemies

Entitled Kids Are Parents’ Biggest Enemies

An old Proverb says “Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished: but he that gathers by labor shall increase.” It is good advice. We probably have applied this to our own lives already. We believe that nothing good or worthwhile comes easily, so we work hard to earn what we want. Unfortunately, kids these days seem to be missing that message. They are growing up feeling and acting as though their mere existence entitles them to money, the newest smart phone, TVs, designer clothes, and more. The entitlement attitude is pervasive in our culture and it starts with what we are teaching our children.

If we don’t want our culture to be entitled, we need to start preventing entitlement in our own homes. That way, 20 years from now, you won’t have a 30 year old living in your guest suite using your credit card for their needs because they have no desire to go out and earn it for themselves.

How entitlement begins

None of us wants to think that we are making our children feel entitled. However, it happens easily to all of us, especially to good parents. Parents who try hard to give their children a good, happy, and full childhood easily fall into the entitlement parenting trap. It’s because of a parent’s desire to make their child happy that they give too much. Their child grows up without any wanting. Needs and desires are met by the parent and thus the child not only feels, but knows that their parent is there to provide for them.

Needs are essential to be met by parents, but what about all those wants? Is a phone a want or a need? What kind of clothing becomes a want instead of a need? You as a parent need to start differentiating between needs and wants in order to properly parent in a manner that works to diminish entitlement attitudes.

We want our children to feel happy and loved, but our efforts can be undermining them mentally. We may be feeding into the development of their entitlement attitude by doing and giving too much. Psychology Today examines children’s sense of entitlement and states,[1]

Yet, when children receive everything they want, we feed into their sense of entitlement—and feelings of gratitude fall by the wayside. It’s what Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, believes is a “Me, Me, Me” epidemic brought on by parents doing everything they can to insure their children’s happiness.

Good parents who are trying very hard unfortunately are feeding into the entitlement epidemic when they give their kids too much. Wanting your children to be happy is wonderful, but there are ways to help develop their character so that the entitlement attitude does not seep into your household.

How to know if your child is acting entitled

There are some indicators with your child’s behavior that will show you whether or not they have or are developing an attitude of entitlement. These are just some examples:

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  • They do not handle losing well.
  • They do not congratulate winning opponents (whether it be in sports, a board game, or simply a race on the playground).
  • They do not cope well with being told “no”.
  • They do not make an effort to help around the household.
  • When asked to help, they whine and complain, as though they should not be expected to help in the household.
  • They often think the rules apply to other people and not to them.
  • If they have a problem in school or life, they expect you as the parent to take care of the problem for them.
  • They expect to be rewarded for good behavior with toys or treats, rather than good behavior being expected from the parents and does not require rewards. This is especially true in public places such as going to the market.
  • They do not care about the feelings, needs, or desires of others. Act selfish and self centered in general.
  • They do not accept responsibility for the behavior or things that have gone wrong that are their fault. Make excuses or passes the blame to others.
  • Things are never enough for them. They always want more, bigger, or better of whatever it may be that they currently have or are doing.
  • They do not express genuine gratitude when appropriate, such as getting a gift or a compliment. You as a parent are always having to prompt them to say “thank you”.
  • If their friend has something, the expectation is that they should have it too.
  • If they request a list of items for a birthday or holiday, then they expect that they will receive all of the items on their list. If they do not get all of the requested items, they will be disappointed, rather than grateful for what they did get.
  • They always seek to be the first and are upset or greatly disappointed when they are not the first (i.e. first in line, first to get a task completed, first to finish an exercise).

How to prevent entitlement

Preventing entitlement starts with the parent. It can start today. You have the power to say “yes” and to say “no” to your child. You, as parent, are the rule maker and can help pave the way to making your kids grateful rather than entitled. Below are some tips to pave the way with your family to preventing entitlement.

Stop doing

Stop doing everything for your child. Allow them to do things that they can do for themselves. If they are able to handle a complex video game, then they are more than capable of doing the dishes, raking leaves, making their bed, and more.

We don’t give our kids enough credit. They are far more capable then we recognize. Kids at the age of 5 are out on street corners selling candy and goods to tourists in third world countries. They make change for buyers, interact with their buyers, and work all day to help provide income for their family. Therefore, we can certainly expect our own 5 year-olds to make their bed, unload the dishwasher, and clean up their toys.

Children are smart, capable, and hard working when properly motivated. If the expectation is that they can complete a task then they will be able to do it. If the expectation is that they cannot do something, then they won’t be able to do it. You, the parent, are the agent to empower them to do things by asking, providing them with directions, and then setting the expectation that they will complete the task at hand.

Empower your children by doing less for them. If they are capable of doing something, then let them do it!

Teach them to be good losers

Your child will not win at everything. Therefore, they need to learn the art of being a gracious loser. From a young age, they should be taught to congratulate the winner and to shake their opponent’s hand. Talk to your child about winning and losing. Let them know it is ok to lose. It is an opportunity to learn and become better. They should congratulate the winner because someday they may be the winner and it will be nice to have others providing the congratulatory messages to them.

The world is a better place if we can be happy for the successes of others, especially if those people are friends and family. When playing games as a family or with friends, teach them by example. Congratulate the winners whole-heartedly and make the winner feel good about their achievement, even it if is just Chutes and Ladders.

For the losers, you say “better luck next time” and give them a genuine smile. Teach your child that these are the ways we show kindness to others, especially when we lose. This is a harder lesson for younger children to grasp, but be consistent with your own behavior and your insistence that they act the same way when they do not win. Eventually your hard work should pay off and you will have a child who has genuinely learned to be happy for others because they know what it is like to be a winner and a loser and they cannot win at all times.

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Use the opportunity of failure or losing to explain to your child about some of the greats in this world that did not at first succeed. Oprah did not get her first TV job she interviewed for and Tom Hanks dropped out of college and was a bellhop before he became famous. You can also use the opportunity to discuss what they did well in their game or whatever it was that they just lost. Point out the good and then ask them what they think they could improve upon. Let them think introspectively on this, rather than you pointing it out. Otherwise, you will just come across as the critical parent, which is insult to injury following a loss.

Talk about responsibility for their actions

We all have encountered that adult in life who constantly blames other people for the bad things that happen in their life. It is never their own fault. It is always someone else that has caused their demise. These adults were once children. This behavior likely started in childhood and they never overcame this attitude. They don’t know how to accept responsibility for their actions.

Parents must teach their children from a young age to take responsibility for their wrong doings. If they make a mistake they own up to it. Instead of belittling the child for their wrong doing, use it as a learning opportunity. Engage them in a discussion about what happened and why. Allow them to take responsibility and ownership of their role in the situation, yet follow it up with discussion on how it is an opportunity for the child to learn and grow. They can have a different course of action the next time something similar happens. Help them determine a better action for handling the situation, so the next time it arises, they are better equipped mentally and emotionally to take on the event, person, or circumstance.

“I am sorry” is a powerful phrase. Adults that fail to apologize, were not properly taught as kids to use this phrase. Teach your children to use it now and use it often. For the big mistakes and the little mistakes. When they apologize, they should be taught to be specific with their apology. “I am sorry for (fill in the blank)”. Taking responsibility means a heartfelt apology. Often they need to understand how their actions hurt the other person in order to provide a heartfelt apology. If they don’t understand how the other person is feeling, it is hard to feel sorry for the action. Therefore, a parent who can take the time to help the child understand how the hurt party is feeling will better equip your child with empathy and compassion.

For example, if your child stole their best friend’s new ball cap, then sit down and have a conversation with your child before you take them to their friend’s home to return the hat and apologize. You ask your child, “how would you feel if you had the hat stolen and it was something you worked hard for doing chores to raise the money to purchase the hat or it was a gift from a relative you love greatly?” Help them empathize with the loss that their friend may be feeling. Rather than yell at them for their wrong doing, use it as an opportunity to learn from their mistake and become better. Having to return the hat and apologize will be a punishment in itself.

Talk about the value of a dollar

It is important to talk about money from a young age. Children need to learn about the value of money and its essential nature in our lives. Talking about money and cost of living should be an on-going conversation in your household. They need to understand that food, a home, transportation, and clothing all require money. Money comes from working. They should also see that there are times when you too can’t have something you desire. Talk openly about a budget, so that one day when you say “it is not in the budget”, they understand what you mean.

It is difficult for a child to understand the value of a dollar if they have never had to earn one. One of the best ways for a child to learn to appreciate the value of a dollar is for them to earn money. If they are too young to be employed, they can still earn cash in the neighborhood shoveling driveways, babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, and working for friends and neighbors. They can also begin doing household chores and be provided an allowance for the chores that they complete. If you already have chores and they are required as a part of being a member of the family or household, then provide extra jobs over and above the regular chores that they can then earn money for completing. The point is for them to earn it themselves. They do the work and they earn a fair wage.

Don’t be indulgent and over pay your child for the chores they complete or you are undermining your efforts to teach them the value of a dollar. Make a list of the chores and the amount of money they will earn for completing the jobs. This way they know what is exactly expected and how much money they can earn. Then when it comes time for the next special toy or technology they come asking for, you can help them earn it rather than give it to them.

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Just say no and make them work for it

You are the parent. You can say “no”. You should say “no”. Have you ever met a child who has never been told “no” by their parents? If you have, you know that child is the most spoiled kid in need of a serious attitude adjustment. When parents are quick to say yes all the time, then kids grow up thinking that the world will say “yes” to their every whim and desire. That’s not the real world though.

Our kids will experience rejection, heartache, and being told no many times in the course of their life. If they can experience it in the home and learn how to handle the “no” and deal with it, they are better off in the long run. They will be better equipped to handle a no in the real world, because you have said no enough times that they can emotionally handle the disappointment. They also know the alternatives. For example, if its a new video game that they want, you tell them no, you must earn it. From there the child goes to look at the chart and calculates which and how many of the chores they must complete in order to earn the video game. They will also learn other valuable skills in this process, such as time management, because they will need to set aside time every day for a number of days or weeks to complete all the tasks to earn the amount of money they need.

Saying “no” and providing alternatives for your child to earn what they want is empowering. You are teaching them to fish. An old proverb says,

“if you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, if you teach a man to fish he will eat for a lifetime”.

Teach your child how to earn for themselves so they can be better equipped for a lifetime.

Delayed gratification is also powerful. When children learn that they can earn something for themselves that they truly want, then when they do finally earn it they feel empowered. They worked hard and they made their goal happen. They earned it themselves. This is a powerful agent to help increase self esteem. Keep the chore list going, so that your child has the opportunity to grow their self worth by completing tasks and earning the things that they want in life.

Help them find gratitude

Much like teaching your children the art of being a good loser and how to apologize, teaching gratitude is an ongoing lesson. There is a saying,

“Gratitude begins where my sense of entitlement ends.”

Children learn to be grateful first when they do not get everything they desire. What happens when they get everything they want and ask for is that they expect everything they ask for. You set the expectation by saying “yes” too often. Allow for them to want. Not for basic necessities of course, but for things above and beyond the essentials in life. They will become grateful for the things that they do get when they are not handed everything they ask for.

Teach them to say thank you. Talk about how when someone gives them a nice gift that person (or their Mom or Dad) had to go to work to earn the money to buy that gift. Talk about how it is nice to have generous friends and family because not everyone has that in their life. Make them responsible for thanking others, both verbally and in writing. When your child receives a gift have them write a thank you note in return. It does not need to be long and eloquent. Just the practice of taking the time to write thank you and that the gift is appreciated helps them practice gratitude. They can carry this valuable skill into adulthood.

Grateful people are also happier people, so help your child see that they should be grateful for the blessings, big and small, in their life.

Help them practice giving back to other

Find opportunities for you and your child to give back to others. It can be through material things, but even more valuable when your time is given. Giving your time with your child to others is of great value and a great life lesson. Your child being exposed to others less fortunate is helpful in curbing entitlement.

Kids Giving Back supports families getting into their community to give back. They state,

We strongly believe that when young people volunteer they develop respect, resilience, and leadership skills, as well as the ability and opportunity to positively engage in the wider community. Our philosophy embraces volunteering as a two-way street, giving children and their families an opportunity to change lives, including their own.

Teaching your child to give back to others is empowering to them on so many levels from creating leadership skills, problem solving skills, and self esteem from the experience of helping others in need. Teaching kids that there are others in the world that have so much less than them will help them become more grateful. Having them serve others also makes them more service oriented and creates an awareness of the need to help others in this world.

Entitlement attitudes fall by the wayside when a child has learned the value and importance of helping others and giving to others in need.

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Reference

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

Doctor of Psychology

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Last Updated on June 18, 2018

Parents Are Their Own Worst Enemies

Parents Are Their Own Worst Enemies

The pressure to be a good parent is real. All this pressure comes at us from internal and external sources that converge and make a perfect storm for parents to lose any confidence they had as parents. We, as parents have the power to overcome our own worst enemy, which is ourselves.

Video Summary

As parents, we encounter messages on a daily basis that tell us how we need to do things in a different or better way. We hear messages that we need to expect more of our kids, we need to not be so hard on our kids, we should vaccinate, we shouldn’t vaccinate, we need to be involved with our kids, we shouldn’t be helicopter parents, we need to help our kids with their homework, we need to let our kids do their own homework, and a plethora of other mixed messages. All these messages turn into self talk one way or the other.

Everyone has a running conversation of self talk going on in their own head. As parents, our self talk can revolve around our abilities as parents. Are we doing things the best way for our kids? Are we doing thing that we think are good, but could in fact be harmful? We have so many messages coming at us in all directions that it becomes easy to question every decision we make as parents. Thus, it becomes far to easy to be hard on ourselves as parents.

Parents Are Their Own Worst Critics

Your own worst enemy in life is yourself. Typically there is nobody who will say more negative things to you than you will to yourself. It is the self talk that goes on in your head all day long that provides for the negative commentary to yourself. You need to stop the negative self talk today as it constantly breaking down your confidence as a parent. There are tips further in the article that will help empower you to overcome this negative self talk.

Are we good enough?

As parents, one thing we are constantly asking ourselves mentally is are we good enough and are we doing enough for our kids. Any good parents wonders this from time to time. Self analysis is helpful at time. However, if we are doing it too often, we begin to doubt ourselves and second guess our decisions as parents. Allowing negative self talk that undermines our skills as parents can hinder our confidence as parents. In turn, it makes it more difficult to parent when we are always questioning our capabilities as parents.

Are we doing things the best way possible?

We, as parents, need to let go of perfect. Perfect is unattainable. The pursuit of perfect leads to frustration and defeat. Instead of pursing perfection, we need to chose a good path for parenting that is best for our own family and let of trying to be the best and do the best. Let it go and instead just be present.

Are we comparing our kids and ourselves to others?

We live in a culture where it is extremely easy to compare ourselves to others. You only need a few minutes on social media to compare yourself and your life to hundreds if not thousands of others. The problem is that what is portrayed on social media is not the whole story. Our tendency to compare ourselves to others leads to discontentment. When you feed yourself messages of discontent on a regular basis, you will begin to feel like a defeated individual and parent, as you can never measure up when compared to others.

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If you feel like you or your children will never live up to the level of how others live, then you won’t. The real problem is that you are ignoring your individuality as a family. Each of you is unique, as is your family. Don’t compare yourself to others, because its like comparing apples and oranges.

Be a Confident Parent

The best way to overcome the greatest enemy in your life as a parent is to become a confident parent. Easier said than done of course. However, there are some things that you can do to become more confident in your parenting and the feedback in your head can become more positive and encouraging. Below are some ways that you can create more confidence in yourself regarding your parenting abilities.

1. Become your own encourager through positive self talk

To become more confident, you need to start shutting down that voice in your head that says that you are not good enough or you are doing enough for your child. For some moms, this is the “bad mom syndrome”. It is that voice in your own head that says you are a “bad mom”. It often comes from building a list of all your mommy failures so you feel an overwhelming source of guilt which leads to this “bad mom syndrome”.

Saying this to yourself will not make you a better mom. It will only make you feel like a failure and defeated. You are not defeated. Those discouraging messages are not helpful to you or your child. It is ok to have uncertainty from time to time. However, it is not ok to allow yourself to feel less than adequate for your child. If you truly feel inadequate get some professional help from a counselor. They can help empower you as a parent.

You need to make yourself aware of negative self talk and change the course of the message while it is happening. For example, you may scream and yell at your child for forgetting to turn in their homework. You then start beating yourself up about the yelling because you know you were wrong to react that way. Instead of internally beating yourself up, stop the negative self talk as soon as you know it has started. Look at it as an opportunity to recognize the triggers that led to the outburst, perhaps you had a bad day at work. Then tell yourself you will do better next time. You also take the time to think through how you need to approach your child and apologize for the yelling and then discuss calmly why they didn’t turn in their homework. This method of thinking of solutions and encouraging yourself that things can be worked through is growth as a parent. It is also a way of shutting down the negative self talk and replacing it with solutions and/or positive messages.

PsychCentral made a great point about self talk and the power we have in ourselves to change these thoughts:[1]

You can test, challenge and change your self-talk. You can change some of the negative aspects of your thinking by challenging the irrational parts and replacing them with more reasonable thoughts.

2. Reduce stress and fatigue in your own life

Parents are better parents when they are less stressed out. When we feel stressed out as parents, we sometimes take it out on the ones who are closest in proximity. If you are at home in the evening with your kids and you have a mile long to-do list along with lots of other external stress going on, it becomes difficult to be kind, calm, and loving to our children. Our children are precious and impressionable. They don’t deserve unkind words or treatment because we are feeling utterly and completely stressed out and overworked.

Research by Your Modern Family looked at what children want most from their parents. The results from their research showed that the number one thing kids want from their parents is for “their parents to be less stressed and less tired”.[2] This is quite telling. It shows that we need to dial back things in life that cause extreme stress and exhaustion. It may be difficult to do this for some, as it can require a major overhaul in your life structure and activities.

For other parents, it can be more simple solutions, as suggested in the Modern Family article including: getting on a schedule, having kids help with chores, getting things ready the night before, waking up before your kids, doing meal plans that work for your family, getting organized, planning ahead, and laughing. Start finding ways to reduce stress in your life and you will see that your children are less stressed and happier as well.

We are all better parents when we are less stressed out. Do what it takes to reduce your stress as it does in fact affect your child’s mental well-being. Kids are smart, intuitive, and sensitive to the emotions of their parents. Don’t go through life pretending not to be stressed. Take action today to reduce stress in your life. Sometimes the solution is saying no and reducing activities. Do it for the sake of your children. It is the one thing children want most- less stress, less tired parents.

3. Simply be present for your kids and let go of perfection

Allowing yourself and your children to be something other than the best can be empowering. It allows you to be present with your children and embrace them for their own uniqueness. It also allows you to accept your circumstances for what they are, which is likely not the best or perfect.

One of the best thing you can do for your kids is simply be there for them. Kids yearn for time with their parents. They may not always say it or express it, but they want their parents. It is difficult to create family memories if you don’t spend time together. Make the time to be with your children. It doesn’t need to be a special occasion or a Disney experience either. Just sitting together to have dinners as family and talking to your kids is what they need for positive memories to be made.

Knowing that their parents are there to talk with them and to listen to them, is a wonderful gift to your children. In our era of busy lives and trying so hard to be the best parents we often overlook the most important factor in parenting, which is simply being present in our child’s life. Sometimes we need to dial back the schedule so that we are spending time together. Taking them from one activity to the next is not quality time together. Allowing for time to be home and interacting with one another, without distractions, is quality time. Be present to allow for open conversations to occur.

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Pscyhology Today discussed the topic of being a parent who is present and gave some specific tips. One of the top tips they provided was to stop multitasking.[3] This article stated,

“The first thing to recognize is that, try as we might, we really can only do one thing at a time, so we ought to do that thing wholeheartedly”

When you want to be present with you children, then don’t text, do other tasks, or work on other projects. Devote your attention solely to you child.

When you allow yourself to be fully present with your child, it becomes easier to appreciate the small things in life. Your child will grow up fast, you hear it from other parents quite often how they grow up too fast. Take the time to appreciate the precious little things in life, such as watching your child become overjoyed because they won at a board game you were playing, or watching your child teach their new puppy how to sit, or watching your child successfully ride a bike for the first time. All of these small things in life end up being the big things in life. Be present with your child so that you can enjoy and appreciate the small things in life.

4. Don’t get pressured into taking bad advice

Everyone has an opinion these days. It doesn’t mean that you need to heed the advice of everyone. You have permission as a parent to disregard the advice of others, including from loved ones including your own parents. Their intentions are good. They want to help you and your child be successful and happy. The problem is that the methods your parents utilized 20 or 30 years ago may be outdated. They didn’t know better. Now we have research on virtually any parenting issue there is out there.

Do your own research, so you have peace of mind that your selected parenting methods are what is best for your child. It is also nice to have this research in your back pocket so when someone questions your methods you have research and data to prove your selected ways are best. It’s hard for someone to argue with science. They can try, but facts and data are truths at the end of the day.

5. Don’t compare yourself to others

Don’t allow yourself get sucked into the comparison game. A lot of this has to do with the self talk in your head. You have the ability to stop the self talk and change its course to something that is more positive. When you start comparing yourself or your children to others, stop and replace that self talk with thoughts about how you are all unique, special, and gifted in different ways than any other family.

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Along with comparing your children includes the topic of managing your expectations. If your child is an average student, then don’t expect them to get into the gifted program at school. Be realistic with your child’s abilities. When you have unrealistic expectations it puts pressure on both you and the child. This pressure is not needed in life, as it will only bring disappointment when the expectations are too high and can never be met. Keep it real, and allow yourself to see that your child may not be the best or the brightest. They are unique and special in their own way, but it doesn’t mean that they are going to be the very best at everything or anything at all. Let them know that its ok because they are loved for exactly who they are and special because of their uniqueness.

If you have friends who like to play the comparison game, then don’t hang out with them. They will not help bring you up as a parent. Their goal is to make comparisons so they can feel better about themselves, their life, and their abilities as a parent. Their goal in no way involves helping you feel better or lifting you up and encouraging you as a parent. Cut the negative thoughts out, especially if they are coming from another person. You are doing yourself and your child a disservice by spending your precious and limited time with someone who is using comparison to bring you down in order to bring themselves up. Life is too short, find someone who wants to be a true friend.

Parenting Is Hard Work, Take Time for Yourself

Parents need a break from time to time. Don’t forget about taking care of yourself while in the midst of your parenting experience. Take time to do things that you enjoyed doing before you had kids. Keep up with hobbies and things that you enjoy doing. Allowing time for your hobbies and taking care of yourself allows you to be more relaxed, less stressed out, and happier in the long run.

Of course, there is moderation for everything. I am not saying leave your family every night to work out at the gym for three hours. Your family takes priority over your hobbies. However, in order to be a well balanced and happy individual you need to schedule time each week for your hobby, whatever that may be. Which is exactly why my kids are at home with a sitter every Friday afternoon and I am sitting at Starbucks right now, sipping my favorite Chai Latte, listening to music on earbuds, and typing this article.

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

Reference

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