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Entitled Kids Are Parents’ Biggest Enemies

Entitled Kids Are Parents’ Biggest Enemies

An old Proverb says “Wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished: but he that gathers by labor shall increase.” It is good advice. We probably have applied this to our own lives already. We believe that nothing good or worthwhile comes easily, so we work hard to earn what we want. Unfortunately, kids these days seem to be missing that message. They are growing up feeling and acting as though their mere existence entitles them to money, the newest smart phone, TVs, designer clothes, and more. The entitlement attitude is pervasive in our culture and it starts with what we are teaching our children.

If we don’t want our culture to be entitled, we need to start preventing entitlement in our own homes. That way, 20 years from now, you won’t have a 30 year old living in your guest suite using your credit card for their needs because they have no desire to go out and earn it for themselves.

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How entitlement begins

None of us wants to think that we are making our children feel entitled. However, it happens easily to all of us, especially to good parents. Parents who try hard to give their children a good, happy, and full childhood easily fall into the entitlement parenting trap. It’s because of a parent’s desire to make their child happy that they give too much. Their child grows up without any wanting. Needs and desires are met by the parent and thus the child not only feels, but knows that their parent is there to provide for them.

Needs are essential to be met by parents, but what about all those wants? Is a phone a want or a need? What kind of clothing becomes a want instead of a need? You as a parent need to start differentiating between needs and wants in order to properly parent in a manner that works to diminish entitlement attitudes.

We want our children to feel happy and loved, but our efforts can be undermining them mentally. We may be feeding into the development of their entitlement attitude by doing and giving too much. Psychology Today examines children’s sense of entitlement and states,[1]

Yet, when children receive everything they want, we feed into their sense of entitlement—and feelings of gratitude fall by the wayside. It’s what Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, believes is a “Me, Me, Me” epidemic brought on by parents doing everything they can to insure their children’s happiness.

Good parents who are trying very hard unfortunately are feeding into the entitlement epidemic when they give their kids too much. Wanting your children to be happy is wonderful, but there are ways to help develop their character so that the entitlement attitude does not seep into your household.

How to know if your child is acting entitled

There are some indicators with your child’s behavior that will show you whether or not they have or are developing an attitude of entitlement. These are just some examples:

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  • They do not handle losing well.
  • They do not congratulate winning opponents (whether it be in sports, a board game, or simply a race on the playground).
  • They do not cope well with being told “no”.
  • They do not make an effort to help around the household.
  • When asked to help, they whine and complain, as though they should not be expected to help in the household.
  • They often think the rules apply to other people and not to them.
  • If they have a problem in school or life, they expect you as the parent to take care of the problem for them.
  • They expect to be rewarded for good behavior with toys or treats, rather than good behavior being expected from the parents and does not require rewards. This is especially true in public places such as going to the market.
  • They do not care about the feelings, needs, or desires of others. Act selfish and self centered in general.
  • They do not accept responsibility for the behavior or things that have gone wrong that are their fault. Make excuses or passes the blame to others.
  • Things are never enough for them. They always want more, bigger, or better of whatever it may be that they currently have or are doing.
  • They do not express genuine gratitude when appropriate, such as getting a gift or a compliment. You as a parent are always having to prompt them to say “thank you”.
  • If their friend has something, the expectation is that they should have it too.
  • If they request a list of items for a birthday or holiday, then they expect that they will receive all of the items on their list. If they do not get all of the requested items, they will be disappointed, rather than grateful for what they did get.
  • They always seek to be the first and are upset or greatly disappointed when they are not the first (i.e. first in line, first to get a task completed, first to finish an exercise).

How to prevent entitlement

Preventing entitlement starts with the parent. It can start today. You have the power to say “yes” and to say “no” to your child. You, as parent, are the rule maker and can help pave the way to making your kids grateful rather than entitled. Below are some tips to pave the way with your family to preventing entitlement.

Stop doing

Stop doing everything for your child. Allow them to do things that they can do for themselves. If they are able to handle a complex video game, then they are more than capable of doing the dishes, raking leaves, making their bed, and more.

We don’t give our kids enough credit. They are far more capable then we recognize. Kids at the age of 5 are out on street corners selling candy and goods to tourists in third world countries. They make change for buyers, interact with their buyers, and work all day to help provide income for their family. Therefore, we can certainly expect our own 5 year-olds to make their bed, unload the dishwasher, and clean up their toys.

Children are smart, capable, and hard working when properly motivated. If the expectation is that they can complete a task then they will be able to do it. If the expectation is that they cannot do something, then they won’t be able to do it. You, the parent, are the agent to empower them to do things by asking, providing them with directions, and then setting the expectation that they will complete the task at hand.

Empower your children by doing less for them. If they are capable of doing something, then let them do it!

Teach them to be good losers

Your child will not win at everything. Therefore, they need to learn the art of being a gracious loser. From a young age, they should be taught to congratulate the winner and to shake their opponent’s hand. Talk to your child about winning and losing. Let them know it is ok to lose. It is an opportunity to learn and become better. They should congratulate the winner because someday they may be the winner and it will be nice to have others providing the congratulatory messages to them.

The world is a better place if we can be happy for the successes of others, especially if those people are friends and family. When playing games as a family or with friends, teach them by example. Congratulate the winners whole-heartedly and make the winner feel good about their achievement, even it if is just Chutes and Ladders.

For the losers, you say “better luck next time” and give them a genuine smile. Teach your child that these are the ways we show kindness to others, especially when we lose. This is a harder lesson for younger children to grasp, but be consistent with your own behavior and your insistence that they act the same way when they do not win. Eventually your hard work should pay off and you will have a child who has genuinely learned to be happy for others because they know what it is like to be a winner and a loser and they cannot win at all times.

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Use the opportunity of failure or losing to explain to your child about some of the greats in this world that did not at first succeed. Oprah did not get her first TV job she interviewed for and Tom Hanks dropped out of college and was a bellhop before he became famous. You can also use the opportunity to discuss what they did well in their game or whatever it was that they just lost. Point out the good and then ask them what they think they could improve upon. Let them think introspectively on this, rather than you pointing it out. Otherwise, you will just come across as the critical parent, which is insult to injury following a loss.

Talk about responsibility for their actions

We all have encountered that adult in life who constantly blames other people for the bad things that happen in their life. It is never their own fault. It is always someone else that has caused their demise. These adults were once children. This behavior likely started in childhood and they never overcame this attitude. They don’t know how to accept responsibility for their actions.

Parents must teach their children from a young age to take responsibility for their wrong doings. If they make a mistake they own up to it. Instead of belittling the child for their wrong doing, use it as a learning opportunity. Engage them in a discussion about what happened and why. Allow them to take responsibility and ownership of their role in the situation, yet follow it up with discussion on how it is an opportunity for the child to learn and grow. They can have a different course of action the next time something similar happens. Help them determine a better action for handling the situation, so the next time it arises, they are better equipped mentally and emotionally to take on the event, person, or circumstance.

“I am sorry” is a powerful phrase. Adults that fail to apologize, were not properly taught as kids to use this phrase. Teach your children to use it now and use it often. For the big mistakes and the little mistakes. When they apologize, they should be taught to be specific with their apology. “I am sorry for (fill in the blank)”. Taking responsibility means a heartfelt apology. Often they need to understand how their actions hurt the other person in order to provide a heartfelt apology. If they don’t understand how the other person is feeling, it is hard to feel sorry for the action. Therefore, a parent who can take the time to help the child understand how the hurt party is feeling will better equip your child with empathy and compassion.

For example, if your child stole their best friend’s new ball cap, then sit down and have a conversation with your child before you take them to their friend’s home to return the hat and apologize. You ask your child, “how would you feel if you had the hat stolen and it was something you worked hard for doing chores to raise the money to purchase the hat or it was a gift from a relative you love greatly?” Help them empathize with the loss that their friend may be feeling. Rather than yell at them for their wrong doing, use it as an opportunity to learn from their mistake and become better. Having to return the hat and apologize will be a punishment in itself.

Talk about the value of a dollar

It is important to talk about money from a young age. Children need to learn about the value of money and its essential nature in our lives. Talking about money and cost of living should be an on-going conversation in your household. They need to understand that food, a home, transportation, and clothing all require money. Money comes from working. They should also see that there are times when you too can’t have something you desire. Talk openly about a budget, so that one day when you say “it is not in the budget”, they understand what you mean.

It is difficult for a child to understand the value of a dollar if they have never had to earn one. One of the best ways for a child to learn to appreciate the value of a dollar is for them to earn money. If they are too young to be employed, they can still earn cash in the neighborhood shoveling driveways, babysitting, dog walking, pet sitting, and working for friends and neighbors. They can also begin doing household chores and be provided an allowance for the chores that they complete. If you already have chores and they are required as a part of being a member of the family or household, then provide extra jobs over and above the regular chores that they can then earn money for completing. The point is for them to earn it themselves. They do the work and they earn a fair wage.

Don’t be indulgent and over pay your child for the chores they complete or you are undermining your efforts to teach them the value of a dollar. Make a list of the chores and the amount of money they will earn for completing the jobs. This way they know what is exactly expected and how much money they can earn. Then when it comes time for the next special toy or technology they come asking for, you can help them earn it rather than give it to them.

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Just say no and make them work for it

You are the parent. You can say “no”. You should say “no”. Have you ever met a child who has never been told “no” by their parents? If you have, you know that child is the most spoiled kid in need of a serious attitude adjustment. When parents are quick to say yes all the time, then kids grow up thinking that the world will say “yes” to their every whim and desire. That’s not the real world though.

Our kids will experience rejection, heartache, and being told no many times in the course of their life. If they can experience it in the home and learn how to handle the “no” and deal with it, they are better off in the long run. They will be better equipped to handle a no in the real world, because you have said no enough times that they can emotionally handle the disappointment. They also know the alternatives. For example, if its a new video game that they want, you tell them no, you must earn it. From there the child goes to look at the chart and calculates which and how many of the chores they must complete in order to earn the video game. They will also learn other valuable skills in this process, such as time management, because they will need to set aside time every day for a number of days or weeks to complete all the tasks to earn the amount of money they need.

Saying “no” and providing alternatives for your child to earn what they want is empowering. You are teaching them to fish. An old proverb says,

“if you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, if you teach a man to fish he will eat for a lifetime”.

Teach your child how to earn for themselves so they can be better equipped for a lifetime.

Delayed gratification is also powerful. When children learn that they can earn something for themselves that they truly want, then when they do finally earn it they feel empowered. They worked hard and they made their goal happen. They earned it themselves. This is a powerful agent to help increase self esteem. Keep the chore list going, so that your child has the opportunity to grow their self worth by completing tasks and earning the things that they want in life.

Help them find gratitude

Much like teaching your children the art of being a good loser and how to apologize, teaching gratitude is an ongoing lesson. There is a saying,

“Gratitude begins where my sense of entitlement ends.”

Children learn to be grateful first when they do not get everything they desire. What happens when they get everything they want and ask for is that they expect everything they ask for. You set the expectation by saying “yes” too often. Allow for them to want. Not for basic necessities of course, but for things above and beyond the essentials in life. They will become grateful for the things that they do get when they are not handed everything they ask for.

Teach them to say thank you. Talk about how when someone gives them a nice gift that person (or their Mom or Dad) had to go to work to earn the money to buy that gift. Talk about how it is nice to have generous friends and family because not everyone has that in their life. Make them responsible for thanking others, both verbally and in writing. When your child receives a gift have them write a thank you note in return. It does not need to be long and eloquent. Just the practice of taking the time to write thank you and that the gift is appreciated helps them practice gratitude. They can carry this valuable skill into adulthood.

Grateful people are also happier people, so help your child see that they should be grateful for the blessings, big and small, in their life.

Help them practice giving back to other

Find opportunities for you and your child to give back to others. It can be through material things, but even more valuable when your time is given. Giving your time with your child to others is of great value and a great life lesson. Your child being exposed to others less fortunate is helpful in curbing entitlement.

Kids Giving Back supports families getting into their community to give back. They state,

We strongly believe that when young people volunteer they develop respect, resilience, and leadership skills, as well as the ability and opportunity to positively engage in the wider community. Our philosophy embraces volunteering as a two-way street, giving children and their families an opportunity to change lives, including their own.

Teaching your child to give back to others is empowering to them on so many levels from creating leadership skills, problem solving skills, and self esteem from the experience of helping others in need. Teaching kids that there are others in the world that have so much less than them will help them become more grateful. Having them serve others also makes them more service oriented and creates an awareness of the need to help others in this world.

Entitlement attitudes fall by the wayside when a child has learned the value and importance of helping others and giving to others in need.

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Reference

More by this author

Dr. Magdalena Battles

A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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Published on July 23, 2020

11 Signs You’re an Overprotective Parent (And What to Do About It)

11 Signs You’re an Overprotective Parent (And What to Do About It)

Have you ever followed your child around the playground? They may have been a toddler and you were worried they would take the wrong step and fall off the jungle gym. Therefore, you followed your toddler around, keeping them within arm’s reach so that you could prevent them from falling or having an accident.

I have been that parent at the playground in the past. With twin boys who had no fear as toddlers, I would follow them onto playground equipment because I was concerned for their safety.

After a few months of doing this, I stopped. I came to realize that children need to learn through their own experiences. They will fall, but they will also learn how to avoid danger and make calculated judgments about risks through their experiences. If I was always there to stop them from falling, they wouldn’t learn to stop themselves.

They had to learn things on their own. Of course, as a parent, it is still my responsibility to not place them in situations where they could be terribly injured.

For example, we started at playgrounds that were intended for children under the age of five. We didn’t move up to the big playgrounds until they were old enough and aware of their behaviors and the risks involved in playground play activities.

Why Parents Become Overprotective

The intention of overprotective parenting is well-meaning. These types of parents are highly concerned about their children’s safety and decision making. Their ultimate goal is to protect their child from harm. Parents should be concerned about the safety and well-being of their children.

However, on the flip side, parents should also be teaching their children about risk and responsibility. Those lessons are best taught through life experience. If we are always following behind our children, ready to catch them at a moment’s notice, then we aren’t allowing them to learn about risk and responsibility.

Unger, a researcher on overprotective parenting, suggests that parents should allow children to participate in activities on their own that are considered low-risk.[1] This means allowing children to engage in activities on their own that provide “manageable amounts of risk and responsibility.”

Unger cited that parents have become increasingly more protective of their children and are much more watchful of their children’s activities than previous generations.

The problem with being an overprotective parent is that the child misses out on the opportunity to build responsible behavior skills, build autonomy, and develop self-esteem. Their confidence can be undermined when mom or dad are always watching and guiding their behavior.

They can develop a sense that they are unable to make their own good decisions because they are never allowed to do so in life. Their confidence and self-esteem are hindered when they aren’t allowed to do things on their own without their parents hovering or watching over them.

What Are the Signs of an Overprotective Parent?

Parents with overly protective tendencies think that they are helping their child. Their goal is to protect their child, but it goes to the extreme. Below are some ways that a parent can be overly protective.

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This type of behavior can end up harming their child’s development when one or more of these behaviors is present. There are likely other ways that a parent can be overprotective of their child, as this list is not comprehensive.

These are examples so you can assess your behavior to determine if you need to loosen up overly protective parenting habits.

  1. You choose your child’s friends or direct them toward friendships with particular children.
  2. You don’t allow them to do activities on their own. For example, not allowing them to walk the dog in front of your home even though you live in a safe neighborhood and could even watch them from the front window.
  3. You are constantly monitoring your child. For example, you show up at their sports practices often to check in and see how they are doing or you go online to check their grades every week to ensure that they don’t have any missing work in any classes. If they do have missing work, you make sure that they get it completed and turned in before their final grade can be affected.
  4. You prevent them from making mistakes when you can see that they are going to make a low-risk mistake. For example, not allowing your five-year-old to put ketchup on their pancakes because you know they are going to dislike it and ruin their breakfast. You won’t allow them to chose to make such a mistake because you know that they will cry and get upset and you want to prevent them from becoming emotionally upset.
  5. You don’t allow them to go to friend’s homes without you.
  6. Sleepovers at other homes or camps are never allowed during their childhood.
  7. You drill them with questions about their life when they are out of your sight, such as wanting to know about all the details of their school day every day when you pick them up from school.
  8. You guide them to the extent that they are prevented from failing. For example, not allowing your teen to try out for the basketball team because you know that they will not make the cut.
  9. You make their decisions for them. For example, you don’t allow them to choose whether they can walk to school or ride the bus. You drive them and do not allow for any decision outside of this because you want to keep them safe.
  10. You are always volunteering to serve in their school classroom or chaperone the school trips because you want to “keep an eye on what is going on in your child’s class”.
  11. You do not allow them to have secrets or privacy. For example, they are not allowed to have a locked diary that you do not read or you don’t allow them to lock their bedroom door ever.

Why Being Overprotective Is Not a Good Idea

Kids learn from natural consequences. If they are not allowed to have natural consequences because their parent is continually protecting them from failure and harm, their development is being hindered.

For example, let’s look at a child named Sally who is 13. She is a child who is overly managed by her parents and is not allowed to go to sleepovers or even go to another friend’s home. Her parents are worried about stranger danger and what can happen if they are not with their child.

Sally is allowed to have friends at her home, but her parents are always watching the kids. Whenever Sally and her friends begin to disagree, the argument is squelched before the children can even begin to work things out between themselves because Sally’s parents will intervene and solve the problem.

Sally is never alone with friends outside of school because her parents are always present. The presence of her parents in her socialization is hindering her development.

She doesn’t know how to work out disagreements between her peers because she has never been allowed the opportunity to even try. Her social skills are lacking because parents intervene to direct her behavior while she is with her friends.

Kids Need Space and Time

Kids need space and time to be independent while they are children. If Sally were to be left alone with her friends, her friends would eventually push back at her bossy behavior when her parents are not present.

However, because Sally’s parents are always present she gets away with being overly-bossy to her friends. She is not learning about the natural consequences of her bossiness but someday will when it may be difficult to change her behaviors as she is older in more set in her ways.

It is easier to learn through natural consequences at a young age. Sally will likely end up going to therapy as an adult because she can’t keep friendships intact. Her bossy behaviors and lack of awareness have led to her having severed friendships repeatedly as a young adult.

She will have to work with a therapist to uncover the reason why she is losing friends and then work to change her behavior to learn better ways to act towards her friends in the future.

Effects of Overprotection

There are a variety of effects of overprotective parenting. It is often dependent on the methods the parent utilizes and the extent of the overprotective behavior.

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For example, let’s look at Tina who is a girl age 10. She wants to run and participate in her school’s after-school competitive track program. However, she is not allowed to participate in after school activities because her parents are worried that she will be exposed to boys and may start having relationships with the opposite sex too young.

Another concern is that a boy may “take advantage” of their daughter, so they want to protect her from being exposed to boys outside of school and their supervision.

The problem with this is that Tina is missing out on participating in a sports activity that could help her develop friendships. She is also missing out on the opportunities associated with being a part of a team, working hard physically to compete, and developing sportsmanship skills.

Her parents are well-meaning, but their over-protection is preventing her from participating in a sports activity that she deeply desires to engage in.

There are other effects of overprotective parenting. Below are some examples.

Examples of Overprotective Parenting

This list is not comprehensive, as every parenting situation and family is unique. However, this list can help provide some insight into the detrimental effects that overprotective parenting can cause.

1. Lack of Self-Esteem Development

If children are not allowed to try things on their own, they cannot build self-confidence and self-esteem.

2. Lack of Autonomy

If a child is always accustomed to having a parent around and supervising their behavior, they can become dependent on the decision making of their parents because they are never allowed to be alone or do things alone.

3. Anxiety

A child who is never allowed to try to do things on their own can become anxious when they are finally allowed to try things out on their own. They worry about making mistakes or failing because they have continually had a parent to help them avoid mistakes and failure.

4. Lack of Responsibility

When parents are always helping and guiding their children to an extreme, children will fail to develop their own responsibility skills. If they are never held responsible for anything, how can they develop a sense of responsibility?

5. People-Pleasing Tendencies

Youniverse explained that children who have overprotective parents who constantly direct their children’s behavior end up seeking the approval of those in their life.[2] These children will grow up accustomed to someone always telling them what the “right behavior” looks like.

If they don’t have that praise or comfort of someone saying they did things right, they can become anxious or depressed. They become people-pleasers who seek the appraisal of others.

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6. Risky Behavior

When children are raised in an overly protective home, they often engage in risky behavior when the reigns are lifted. They haven’t experienced the failures associated with low-risk situations at a younger age because of their overly protective parents.

Therefore, when they get older, access to high-risk situations becomes more easily accessible, and without understanding high risk versus low-risk situations, they engage without the wisdom of previous experiences.

Because of their inexperience with risks in general, they may engage in high risk because they are unaware of consequences.

7. Diminished Development Regarding Fear, Social Skills, and Coping Skills

Psychology Today explains that children with overprotective parents have developmental issues, such as not being able to deal with stress and poor social skills.[3]

For example, a child who isn’t allowed to play on a playground because the parent wants to protect their child from injury is prevented from learning about risk-taking on the playground and the bumps and bruises from consequences.

Such a child may grow up to either having too much fear because it was instilled by their parents or have no fear because they have no concept of high-risk versus low-risk behavior.

8. Lack of Immunity

The Psychology Today article also explained that children who have overly protective parents that do not allow exposure to germs can become children who have a compromised immune system. Exposure to germs as children is needed for them to develop a healthy immune system naturally.

When parents are disinfecting everything the child encounters and not allowing exposure to germs (e.g., not allowing them to go to a petting zoo or to play in the sandbox because of the germs in those places), they can be stunting their child’s ability to develop their immune system.

9. Control Freaks

Children who have been parented by control freaks learn this behavior from their parents. Parents are the primary role model of behavior for their children. If children see their parents acting as though they must have control over others and every situation at all times, then they too will learn to behave in this same manner.

What to Do If You Are an Overprotective Parent

If after reading this content you feel that you may be an overprotective parent, there is hope. You can change.

It begins with loosening the reigns of control over your child in a calculated and reasonable manner. Allowing for low-risk behaviors and the consequences involved can help your child become more independent.

There is definitely a balance to protective versus overprotective parenting. Allowing for activities and exposure to experiences that are low-risk is a good way to start.

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For example, allowing your child to play on age-appropriate playground equipment (without following them) is a good first step. They will experience some bumps and bruises, but this is a part of normal development and learning about consequences.

You will want to research authoritative parenting methods if you feel you are an overprotective parent. Overprotective parents tend to be authoritarian parents.

Here is a LifeHack article I previously wrote about authoritarian parenting, so you can understand the drawbacks to this parenting method: Authoritarian Parenting.

Authoritative parenting is not control-based parenting. It involves teaching consequences naturally, allowing age-appropriate decision-making, and having conversations with children rather than dictating for ultimate control and compliance.

MSU Extension provides some great guidelines for authoritative parenting.[4] Below are some of the behaviors they described with authoritative parenting methods:

  • Provide reasonable, age-appropriate expectations for children.
  • Stress and anxiety for children can have positive outcomes, as they are allowed to experience these feelings in small doses as children. They can then build their coping skills and ability to deal with stress and anxiety through experience.
  • Encourage independence, as it helps children build their confidence and self-esteem.
  • Allowing for failures when they are young helps them learn how to pick themselves back up and try again. Developing this ability at a young age regularly will help prepare them for bigger failures when they are older, such as breakups, failed classes, or losing a job.

Final Thoughts

It is never too late to work on our parenting skills. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, therefore, we can always be working on improving our parenting methods.

We all want our children to be successful, happy, and competent as adults. It does not happen overnight. Parenting is a continual process of trying daily to help our children live and learn through their own life experiences.

If we try to protect them every step of the way, then they are not being allowed to truly experience life.

Allow for age-appropriate experiences and allow for failures so that they can learn how to pick themselves back up and try again.

More Tips on Effective Parenting

Featured photo credit: Sue Zeng via unsplash.com

Reference

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