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Why Saying No Ain’t Selfish: The Art Of Saying No More Often

Why Saying No Ain’t Selfish: The Art Of Saying No More Often

All through life, I’m ingrained with the pursuit to always be giving and be the helping hand. I comply, and always are ready to resolve issues for many. And it feels great to be able to be all serving. I am special and important in my circles. I have solutions for any problem. ‘Thank you’s’ echo continuously and many reflect how they would just not have been able to achieve without me. Words that affirm my worth and value.

Around the same time, many are laying out their current misfortunes and problems at my feet, in the perceived notion is that I will be always available to help out. But actually I have more goals ahead for my writing career that I truly desire. I need to balance my time and energy for others, while hoping to do more what I truly want to do.

Eventually, it starts to chain me down. The realization first hit me after I had left the motions of nine to five circles of life, out of the comfort zones of settling bills and filling the fridge each month. My personal productivity is down sliding and slipping out of my warm helping hands!

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Saying “No” Is Not Selfish, It’s Reality

Successful entrepreneurs are aware that their biggest downfalls are not saying ‘no’. Bypassing everyday urgencies and focusing on important issues starts with a simple skill and a small change by learning how to say’ no’

Everyday life is engorged with deadlines, family responsibilities, and social engagements, time ticks away. That is why learning how to say no regularly may just be the ultimate solution. Appreciate yourself and your own time. You need to realign, restore and recalibrate you. Many times,we sacrifice ourselves to please others.

Experience has thought me the crown of success cannot always come with being on standby emotionally and physically for all in need, as I will need fuel to spread my wings to the next mission on hand. This is not mean or selfish, it is a reality. Your personal goals are the priority and by time and energy to accomplish others goals instead of others your own you hinder your own growth.

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If you are unhappy and grumpy as your valuable time ticks away and opportunities bounce away, you become less of a commodity and your self-worth diminishes. You feel exhausted and inadequate. By focusing on ‘you’, success, motivation, and happiness will allow you to pass those features on to others.

Learn the Difference Between “I Can’t ” And “I Don’t “

Saying no is never easy, but envision it as an opportunity for you to let go. Many are in fear of appearing to be rude and do not want to let other people down that can sprout out in conflicts and bridges that might be burned. These are misconceptions as it is all about the manner the ‘no’ is delivered in, it is about value and respect for your space and for your time.

Heidi Grant Halvorson[1], the director at the Columbia University Motivation Science Center, noted the difference between the term “I don’t”  in comparison to I can’t. ‘

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“I can’t ” becomes a psychological draining method to say no, while ” I don’t ”  is psychologically empowering.

Researchers at the University of Houston[2] found volunteers who used the  “I don’t skip exercise” instead of saying  “I can’t skip exercise” dedicated more time to personal workouts. When you say ” I can’t “, it implies that you are not able to do it even if you might want to engage in something. It implies that you could if the circumstances differed. When you say ” I don’t “, you affirm that you have set a rule and there can be no debate about your decision. “I don’t ” is self-affirmation of personal willpower and will have a positive influence on self-empowerment.

These are not just phrases or words.They affirm your beliefs and serve as reminders of your plans and reasons why you do what you do. Become an architect of the words you choose when saying no.

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Say No with Authenticity and Respect

When someone we are close that need help, we immediately agree and many times are not realistic about the time commitments. This will lead to frustration, burnout, and resentment, and will be a misfortune. When you are uninterested, focus on being authentic and not just adhere to trying to maintain ‘likeability’. By saying no, you are actually giving out the power of self-reliance. If you are not ready to help the person out, they will find a way to sort out the issue themselves. Learning comes from finding a solution. Try to say these:

  • I am engaged with something else now and this is not a good time. We can see if it is possible at a later stage.
  • I will consider it and  let you know
  • I will not be the best person who can achieve this, I recommend…
  • I cannot commit to anything else right now as my priorities are set in for the moment

Let Go. You Can’t Please Everyone.

There will be people that oust you for saying no. Let go. Your true connections will understand your standpoint. You cannot please everyone. You have to help yourself and build positive energy and once you have achieved that, then, the energy can be shared. However, this is not possible if you are always trying to help others and leaving no spare time for yourself. This will not result in a positive outcome for you or the person you are attempting to help.

Practice saying no. Make it a mindful exercise. You will feel guilty initially but once you acknowledge the feeling and address the matter with respect to the other person, you will soon be conscious of the power of ‘no’. You always have a choice and if the matter at hand does not ignite your spirit, do not do it. Start spending moments to do what you want and lesser time drowning in what you do not want.

Featured photo credit: Tree trunk : Just say No via pixabay.com

Reference

[1] I Don’t” versus “I Can’t”: When Empowered Refusal Motivates Goal-Directed Behavior, JSTOR
[2] “I Don’t” versus “I Can’t”:
When Empowered Refusal Motivates Goal-Directed Behavior, Research Paper

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Nena Tenacity

Nena is passionate about writing. She shares her everyday health and lifestyle tips on Lifehack.

Here Are 30+ Easy High Fibre Breakfast Ideas You Can Try At Home A Wholesome Diet Is What You Need to Gain Happiness: 30 Natural Low-Carb Foods 10 Best Healthy Snacks That Even Gym People Eat When They’re Hungry! Want A Quick Yet Healthy Breakfast? Avocado Toast Is Your New Breakfast Idea Want To Look Younger And Be Healthier? Acai Berry Is Your New Breakfast Idea!

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Last Updated on June 3, 2020

19 Definitions Of Success You Should Never Ignore

19 Definitions Of Success You Should Never Ignore

What is success?

Is it wealth? Is it happiness? Is it fame?

The late Zig Ziglar was one of the most respected modern day experts on success, motivation, and leading a balanced life. In his book Born to Win!, he argues that success cannot be defined in one sentence, but instead it is comprised of many things. One could argue that the definition depends on the individual and that one size does not fit all[1].

Here are 19 different definitions of success. Not all of these will resonate with you, but chances are at least a few of them will. Use these or find inspiration here to create your own definition of success that can be applied to your unique life.

1. Success is always doing your best.

Success can be achieved when you try your best in all aspects of everything you do, even if that doesn’t lead to big results. If you’ve done your best, you should feel proud of your efforts.

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2. Success is properly setting concrete goals.

Be realistic and concrete when setting goals. Success does not come from setting abstract goals. If you know where you’re heading, that is a success in itself, even if you don’t ultimately arrive to the planned destination.

3. Success is having a place to call home.

Home is where your heart soars. You are always successful when you can call a place home. Home doesn’t have to be a specific structure. It can be a country, a city, or even a person. If you have a place you feel comfortable and safe, you’re already achieving something great.

4. Success is understanding the difference between need and want.

If you can meet your monthly obligations and fulfill your basic needs, you are successful. Being able to identify when you absolutely need something and when you can do without it often leads to financial stability and is a great way to succeed.

5. Success is believing you can.

If you believe you can, you will succeed. Self-belief doesn’t come naturally to everyone, so if you’re able to tell yourself that you can achieve the goals in your plans, you’re doing great.

6. Success is remembering to balance work with passion.

Work without passion creates undue stress and empty achievements. Focus on what excites you. If you’re happy at your job, that’s great. However, even if you aren’t, you can balance your formal job with hobbies or volunteer work you’re passionate about.

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7. Success is taking care of your needs.

Remember to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Self-care is essential if you want to have any meaningful impact on the world around you.

8. Success is learning that you sometimes have to say no.

Success only comes with a balanced life. Part of balance is learning to say no. Saying no doesn’t mean you are selfish; it simply means you have priorities and know what you need to give your attention to at any given time.

9. Success is knowing your life is filled with abundance.

Love, health, friends, family…life is filled with abundance. Recognizing this is an important step to feeling grateful for all life has given you. If you can feel this, you are already experiencing success.

10. Success is understanding you cannot keep what you don’t give away.

You will only succeed if you help others succeed. Learning to give instead of always take is part of creating a world we all want to live in. When you help others, you will also create an environment where others want to help you.

11. Success is overcoming fear.

Conquering a fear makes you feel invincible. Even if it’s confronting just one small fear each week, that is certainly something to feel proud of. The bigger fears will take more time, but any work you do to overcome fear will lead to success.

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12. Success is learning something new each day.

Successful people understand that learning never stops. Take time each day to converse with someone with opposing views, read an interesting article on a topic you know little about, or watch a TED talk on new research. It doesn’t take long to learn, so get started now.

13. Success is learning that losing a few battles can help you win a war.

Successful people choose their battles wisely. When you know which battles will ultimately help you achieve your goals, you will be successful.

14. Success is loving and being loved back.

Opening your heart to others is difficult and can produce fear. Having the courage to love and accept love from others is a step toward a fulfilling life and great success.

15. Success is standing your ground when you believe in something.

Successful people never give up on things they believe with all their heart. You may hold views that many people disagree with, but if you’ve done your research and know that it’s the right belief for you, you shouldn’t let it go without a fight.

16. Success is not giving up.

Perseverance creates grit, and grit achieves success. Even if it takes years to achieve a goal, persisting is key if you want success.

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17. Success is celebrating small victories.

Anytime a goal is reached or an obstacle is overcome, take time to celebrate, even if it’s something small. All goals require smaller objectives to be achieved first, so each time you complete one, take time to appreciate the work you put into it.

18. Success is never letting a disability hold you back.

Disabilities do not define a person’s success. The body and mind will compensate. Just because you can’t do absolutely everything doesn’t mean you can’t do something. Do what your body and mind allow and always push yourself. That is true success.

19. Success is understanding that you control your destiny.

Your destiny is controlled by you and you alone. Take responsibility for your actions and their consequences and you’ll find that you naturally become more successful.

The Bottom Line

Success can be defined in many ways. If you are experiencing happiness, love, or adventure in this moment, you’ve already found success. Keep it up.

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Featured photo credit: Dino Reichmuth via unsplash.com

Reference

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