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How to Forgive And Forget When It seems Impossible

How to Forgive And Forget When It seems Impossible

People say “it’s more easy to forgive than to forget”, some say “I forgive, but I don’t forget” while others say: “I don’t forgive, neither do I forget” and the rest are just experts in forgiving and forgetting. I understand that we’re all humans and sometimes, some events, incidents and encounters with certain individuals makes us agitated or just refuses to leave our minds.

In this article you will learn the principles and guidelines on how you can forgive and forget effectively.

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Principles of Forgiving

  • The definition of forgive simply is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake”. To forgive someone, you need courage emotionally and spiritually. It doesn’t matter how bad someone might have offended you; I can tell you that the moment you make up your mind to forgive someone is the moment you set yourself free.
  • When you forgive, you are not doing the other party any favor; you are doing yourself a favor. Holding a grudge against someone is like eating poison and expecting someone else to die. Now that is ignorant isn’t it? And most of us are putting ourselves in that trap unknowingly.
  • Your heart must be transformed in a way that you begin to make excuses for people even when they step on your toes. Now this is easier said than done, especially if you’ve gotten your heart seriously broken by maybe a friend or family member you trusted, or a former spouse; we are all humans and we tend to get angry at people when they step on our toes especially in that kind of manner.
  • To forgive effectively, you have to follow these 3 steps:
    1. Acknowledge and replay the incident that took place,and the person who wronged you – think about the incident that broke your heart.
    2. Acknowledge the fact that they are human beings and no human being is  perfect.
    3. Call yourself apart, maybe you want to lock yourself in a room to get this process done, Begin to think and say loving words towards that person, you don’t necessarily have to pick up the phone and tell the person that you forgive them; it is not about them, it’s about you. Say stuff like this loud and clear “I’ve forgiven you (mention their name(s)), I refuse to hold on to this pain, I hereby set myself free”. Then begin to look at yourself stepping into a whole new dimension of freedom, gain and happiness.

Principles of Forgetting

  • The definition of forget is “to fail to remember.” When it comes to forgetting after forgiving, this is where most of us are facing issues, we don’t know how to forget that incident that triggers our agitating and sad emotions.
  • The principle of forgetting after you forgive does’t necessarily mean the incident has to be wiped away from your memory. Come on, we’re all humans and some events just will never leave our minds no matter how hard we try to get it out; it just won’t happen. Of course you have to remember one way or the other, so that you don’t put yourself in the same position whereby you will be hurt again. You have to be wise.
  • So how do you forget then? Or how do you know you let go from a wrong doer’s incident? The answer to this questions is another question I want you to think about: What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about the wrong doer or when you see them? Does your blood start running hot and you lose it? Or your heart gets warm and you give them a beautiful smile? Think about it, If you get angry at the person when you see them, then you did not even forgive that person in the first place to begin with. But If you smile at them, you don’t even have to say hi, “you are killing them with kindness” and that will say a lot of positive things about you. If you can do that, you are now getting a tangible hold of the principle of forgetting.

In conclusion, there is something called loving someone from a distance, the person doesn’t have to be your close friend any more, but smiling at them and being able to even like their activities on social media is an exercise that will strengthen your heart for love. Even if you are still close to that person, just be wise and avoid putting yourself into such position of getting hurt again. True happiness comes from within, be careful what you are putting in.

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Featured photo credit: Admin via bodyenlightenment.me

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

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