5 Simple Ways To Be A Better Listener

June 21 by | 30 comments | Communication, Featured |


Are you really listening?

In my journey toward better communication, here are 5 ways I’ve found to help reduce the distractions we face in communication:

1. Clear some space –

I started “clearing space” by removing everything from my work area that wasn’t related to the conversation at hand. As the notion of space trickled into other parts of my life, I found myself silencing my phone during meals. I started taking notes during presentations instead of Tweeting. And I gave pause after others spoke before replying. I soon discovered that I wasn’t just getting more out of conversations; I was finding more value in time spent alone!

2. Control your limbs –

You’ve probably been in conversations with people who talk with their limbs; most use their hands. Listening with limbs is another story. Confession: I am a pen-clicker. You know those annoying people who click their pens without realizing it? I am one. If I click my pen while you’re talking, you’ll probably be distracted. If I rearrange my silverware at dinner while you’re talking, you’ll be distracted. So I got rid of my click-able pens and made a point to avoid behaviors that not only distracted others but also caused them to think I wasn’t listening (in most cases, I probably wasn’t).

3. Ask questions –

I’ve found that the best listeners make a regular practice of asking thoughtful questions. When you reach a pause in conversation, ask a question that clarifies a previous point or helps to dig deeper into the topic of conversation. The person or group you’re talking to will gain value from your question and you’ll find it easier to resist distractions because your mind is fully engaged.

4. Make a move –

When you know you’ll be sitting for an extended period of time (shareholder meeting at work, looking through a 450-page photo album with Auntie Dorothy, etc), put in a few minutes of exercise ahead of time. There’s no need to break a sweat, just put in enough effort so your breathing deepens. When you go to sit, you’ll have more blood running to your brain for thinking and the chair might actually feel comfortable following your effort. I’m afraid no amount of exercise will make folding metal chairs comfortable. I’m sorry.

5. Enforce a “no-fly zone” –

This is a block of time you set aside each day that is completely free from the buzzing flotsam of media and work inputs. Silence your phone, close the laptop, put away the papers, and try your hardest not to even think about the big distractions that follow you around. Do some crunches. Lie on the floor and watch the ceiling fan spin. Hang out with your kids if you’ve got them. If you don’t have kids, hang out with some kids who need your positive influence. Knock something off your “honey-do” list and chat with your partner. Enforce your “no-fly zone” religiously and you’ll soon find a sense of clarity creeping into other aspects of your life.

Becoming a better listener takes effort and, most importantly, patience. Be warned, however, for once you start truly listening you may find the process habit-forming. When people know they are being heard they tend to share amazing things we certainly would have missed otherwise.

Looking back, has there been a moment when everything would have been different had you been a better listener? Join us on Facebook and tell us about it!

Image: PracticalOwl

I'm a writer, avid reader, hopeful runner, and student of all things social. Find me on Twitter and we'll talk!

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  • http://www.thehppyseeker.com Christopher Foster

    What a great subject you’ve opened up here Seth. My thanks. I think being a better listener is a journey that never ends.
    Sometimes when we are lucky enough or still enough inside to be really listening it’s not only great thoughts we may hear, is it, we also hear the beat of a person’s character or soul. In a flash, we hear it.
    This happened to me one time many years ago as a young man when I met someone who later had a profound impact on my life.
    I’d just entered the room where this older man was sitting. As I entered he stood up and put out a hand to greet me. I ‘heard’ right then and there before he spoke a word the presence of true strength of character — wisdom –I’d been looking for a long time.
    Thanks again for these five great tips.

  • http://famreflections.com Joseph Nally

    Listening… a dying art. This is a key to deeper and more meaningful relationships in all areas of life.

  • http://www.sokaktrendi.com/ sokak trendi

    I hate the people who they do not listen. I will send this post some of my friend.

  • http://www.momentary.org Tim DeRoche

    This is *awesome*. I have to enforce rules on myself: Turn off my phone when I’m having dinner with a friend. Don’t touch the computer when I’m talking to someone on the phone.

    Listening is about the *other* person…Not me.

    Tim D
    http://www.momentary.org
    Count your blessings. Everyday. Everywhere.

  • http://blog.cyclope-series.com Anelly

    These days everyone wants to be listened and we forget how to listen to others.

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  • http://www.getinthehotspot.com/ Annabel Candy

    Good thinking, so often I feel as if I’m not being listened to, mainly because I think people have their own preconceived ideas and aren’t open to any new ones. When you’re listening you need to be able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to feel what they’re feeling. Personally I find taking notes helps but you’re right, it helps me, not them – you know someone’s listening when they look at you and really listend without doing anything else.

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  • http://www.sustainable-leaders.com Christina Haxton

    Great ideas … I’d add “Slightly raise your eyebrows” (evenly, together, not just one). Doing so may raise your dopamine (i.e., the neurotransmitter of interest), you’ll feel more interested and engaged AND likely prevent the “lizard brain” defensive response from the person to whom you are genuinely listening. Try this experiment … if you want to engage lizard brain in another person, ask a lot of “Why???” questions and deeply furrow your eyebrows. Notice the response you get. Now, raise your eyebrows next time you feel frustrated … notice the response you get then!

  • http://spiritualzen.net Jared

    Great topic. I practice being aware of what I call the “one upper.” The dialog in my head which starts spinning to create the come back I’m going to have… how what I have to share is going to blow them away. I recognize that and remind myself to get back to listening. That if what I have to share is “really” that important, I’ll remember it later. Concentrating on listening, asking question, and not just waiting for my turn to speak.

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  • http://www.learnstreaming.com Dennis Callahan

    Listening does take patience and practice. There are many point of views on this topic (all appropriate). I enjoyed reading your 5 tips and have added them to my listening resources. Thanks

    21 Resources to Become a Better Listener

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/mrsnic Mrs. Nic

    I especially like the "control your limbs" idea. I have an awful habit of tidying my desk, or noticing that the curtains aren't hanging right, or rearranging the coats on the coat rack…. all while my husband is talking to me. It's easy to take our discussions for granted because we with each other all of the time, but I have to remind myself that I should be as focused (MORE focused, really) on what he has to say than as with anyone else.

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