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Have Mindful Conversation in 9 Easy Steps

Have Mindful Conversation in 9 Easy Steps

Connection.

You want it. You need it. You have to have it.

In today’s high-information and digitized world, finding meaningful, personal connection through the noise is challenging. It requires focus, intention, and above all, mindful conversation with those around you.

This is how you can get back to that connection you crave through your interaction with others:

1. Turn off all media devices.

Yes. That includes your phone, computer, tablet, or whatever it is you don’t think you can put away. You can.

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If you want mindful conversation, eliminate the temptation of looking at any of these things for even a millisecond. By ridding yourself of distractions, you clear your attention for meaningful interaction with another. This temporary sacrifice will be worth the connection you are preparing yourself to experience.

2. Listen using your eyes.

Look the other person in the eyes. Remember to blink. And, for goodness sake, don’t stare!

A person’s eyes tell you what is happening in their heart. Your awareness that your conversation partner might be feeling certain emotions allows you to adjust your communication appropriately. To do this, however, you must make eye contact which requires you to have your eyes open.

Having open eyes also will allow you to observe the other person’s posture and gestures. These movements can indicate an emotional wall (crossed arms or legs), a desire to leave or disengage (fidgeting), an inclination to say something (by an opening mouth or a hand that is raised), and many other things.

By not watching for these cues, you might miss an opportunity to dig more deeply into the psyche of the other. You might also deprive your partner of the chance to feel fully heard. This lack of expression will rob you both of the connection you seek.

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3. Listen to the tone of the other person’s voice.

Some individuals are able to put on a happy face even when things aren’t going so well for them. A skilled communicator can detect what is bubbling below the surface not only by observing non-verbal cues, but also by listening to changes in the tone of the other person’s voice. These tonal changes could belie the words the other individual is sharing which, in turn, allow the conversation partner to respond to what is really being said and felt.

4. Say “no” to thoughts that have nothing to do with the conversation you are having.

To have a mindful conversation with someone else, you must control your wandering mind–not let it control you. This will involve practice. It will involve re-training your brain.

This is how you do it: each time you find your mind wandering while you are talking with the other person, (mentally) just say “no.” Bring yourself back to the present moment. Focus on the words that are being said.

5. Attempt to truly understand what the other person is saying without judgment, criticism, or defensiveness.

In the event you are involved in a conversation in which the other person says something that offends you, before going off the rails, clarify. Make sure you actually heard what the other person meant to say (or vice versa). If, in fact, the person did say something which hurt you, don’t react immediately. Attempt to understand the true motivation behind the statement.

6. Be aware of how external conditions impact the complexity of your interaction.

Culture, sex, and geographic location affect how individuals interact with one another. A person’s mood will also affect how they approach and receive communication. On top of that, outside circumstances (such as environment) will allow for a clear, uninterrupted exchange… or not.

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Just as a tennis player must adjust his or her style based upon the other person’s approach, the composition of the tennis court, and the weather, you should do the same each time you seek to have a mindful conversation with someone else.

7. Respond vs. react.

When you react without forethought, you are jumping to conclusions. When you are jumping to conclusions, you are not really listening to what is being said by the other person. When you aren’t listening to what is being said, you aren’t having a mindful conversation.

When someone makes a statement you would normally be inclined to react to, do this:

Listen. Take a breath. Respond.

8. Make your conversation other-focused.

During many conversations, rather than listening to what the other person is saying, people are more concerned with what they are going to say next. The individual who can’t wait for the other person to stop talking so they can start isn’t focused on the other. When your communication becomes other-focused, you really are trying to understand what your partner is communicating.

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This is called listening. Listening helps create mindful conversation. Listening leads to the deepest sort of connection we all seek.

9. Immerse yourself in every word that is spoken and each feeling that arises.

If you would like mindful communication, bathe in the words as they are revealed. Allow yourself to drown in the emotions that are unveiled. Fully express yourself without self-censorship or fear of judgment. Immerse yourself in every instant as it is happening.

As you heighten your awareness during every conversation, every conversation will be elevated to a new level. It will become mindful. It will become mind-blowing.

You will want it. You will need it. You will have to have it.

Each and every single day.

Featured photo credit: Two heads of people with mechanisms via Big Stock Photo

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Last Updated on August 19, 2019

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

We live in a world that constantly tells us what to do, how to act, what to be. Knowing how to be true to yourself and live the life you want can be a challenge.

When someone asks how we are, we assume that the person does not mean the question sincerely, for it would lead to an in depth conversation. So telling them that you are good or fine, even if you’re not, is the usual answer.

In an ideal world, we would stop and truly listen. We wouldn’t be afraid to be ourselves. Instead, when we answer about how we are doing, our mask, the persona we show the world, tightens. Sometimes even more so than it might have been before. Eventually, it becomes hard to take off, even when you’re alone.

Imagine a world where we asked how someone was doing and they really told us. Imagine a world where there were no masks, only transparency when we talked to one another.

If you want to live in a world that celebrates who you are, mistakes and all, take off the mask. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive or fine all the time.

According to a Danish psychologist, Svend Brinkman, we expect each other to be happy and fine every second, and we expect it of ourselves. And that “has a dark side.”[1] Positive psychology can have its perks but not at the expense at hiding how you truly feel in order to remain seemingly positive to others.

No one can feel positive all the time and yet, that is what our culture teaches us to embrace. We have to unlearn this. That said, telling others you are ‘“fine”’ all the time is actually detrimental to your wellbeing, because it stops you from being assertive, from being authentic or your truest self.

When you acknowledge a feeling, it leads you to the problem that’s causing that feeling; and once you identify the problem, you can find a solution to it. When you hide that feeling, you stuff it way down so no one can help you.You can’t even help yourself.

Feelings are there for one reason: to be felt. That doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling. It just means that you start the process of problem solving so you can live the life you want.

1. Embrace Your Vulnerability

When you are your true self, you can better self-advocate or stand up for what you need. Your self-expression matters, and you should value your voice. It’s okay to need things, it’s okay to speak up, and it’s okay not to be okay.

Telling someone you are simply “fine” when you are not, does your story and your journey a great disservice. Being true to yourself entails embracing all aspects of your existence.

When you bring your whole self to the table, there is nothing that you can’t beat. Here’re 7 benefits of being vulnerable you should learn.

Can you take off the mask? This is the toughest thing anyone can do. We have learned to wait until we are safe before we start to be authentic.

In relationships especially, this can be hard. Some people avoid vulnerability at any cost. And in our relationship with ourselves, we can look in the mirror and immediately put on the mask.

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It all starts with your story. You have been on your own unique journey. That journey has led you here, to the person you are today. You have to be unafraid, and embrace all aspects of that journey.

You should seek to thrive, not just survive. That means you do not have to compete or compare yourself with anyone.

Authenticity means you are enough. It’s enough to be who you are to get what you want.

What if for the first time ever, you were real? What if you said what you wanted to say, did what you wanted to do, and didn’t apologize for it?

You were assertive, forthcoming in your opinions or actions to stand for what is right for you, (rather than being passive or aggressive) in doing so. You didn’t let things get to you. You knew you had something special to offer.

That’s where we all should be.

So, answer me this:

How are you, really?

And know that no matter the answer, you should still be accepted.

Bravery is in the understanding that you still may not be accepted for your truth.

Bravery is knowing you matter even when others say that you do not.

Bravery is believing in yourself when all evidence counters doing so (i.e. past failures or losses)

Bravery is in being vulnerable while knowing vulnerability is a sign of strength.

It’s taking control.

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2. Choose Your Attitude in Adversity

You can take control of your destiny and live the life you want by being true to yourself. You can start anytime. You can start today.

You can start with one day at a time, just facing what happens that day. Most of us get overwhelmed when faced with the prospect of a big change. Even if the only thing we change is our attitude.

In one instant, you can become a different person with a change of attitude. When you take control of your attitude, you become able to better understand what is around you. This allows you to move forward.

Originally, you may have had a life plan. It could have started when you were little; you were hoping to become a mermaid, doctor, astronaut or all three when you grew up. You were hoping to be someone. You were hoping to be remembered.

You can still dream those dreams, but eventually reality sets in. Obstacles and struggles arise. You set on a different path when the last one didn’t work out. You think of all the “shoulds” in your life in living the life you want. You should be doing this…should be doing that…

Clayton Barbeau, psychologist, coined the term “shoulding yourself.’[2] When we are set on one path and find ourselves doing something different. It becomes all the things you should be doing rather than seeing the opportunities right in front of you.

But in all this disarray, did you lose sight of the real you?

It may be in our perceived failures and blunders that we lose sight of who we are, because we try to maintain position and status.

In being who we really are and achieving what we really want, we need to be resilient: How to Build Resilience to Face What Life Throws at You

It means that we do not see all possibilities of what might happen, but must trust ourselves to begin again, and continue to build the life we want. In the face of adversity, you must choose your attitude.

Can attitude overcome adversity? It certainly helps. While seeking to be true to yourself and live the life you want, you will have to face a fact:

Change will happen.

Whether that change is good or bad is unique to each person and their perspective.

You might have to start over, once, twice, a few times. It doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but that you will be okay. What remains or should remain is the true you. When you’ve lost sight of that, you’ve lost sight of everything.

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And then, you rebuild. Moment after moment, day after day. We all have a choice, and in this moment, that matters.

You can choose to have a positive attitude, seeing the silver lining in each situation and, where there is none, the potential for one. Maybe that silver lining is you and what you will do with the situation. How will you use it for something good?

That’s how you can tap into yourself and your power. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. It can happen when we aren’t even looking for it, or it can be your only focus. Everyone gets there differently.

You can rise, or you can remain. Your choice.

When the worst happens, you can rely on your authenticity to pull you through. That’s because Self Advocacy, speaking up to let others know what you need, is part of finding the real you.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Or sometimes, helping others can help us deal with the pain of a hurtful situation. You decide how you’re going to help others, and suddenly, you become your best self.

3. Do What Makes You Happy When No One’s Looking

Being the best version of you has nothing to do with your success or your status. It has everything to do with your Character, what you do when no one’s looking.

In order to create the life you want, you have to be the person you want to be. Faking it till you make it is just a way to white knuckle it through your journey. You have the fire inside of you to make things right, to put the pieces together, to live authentically. And Character is how you get there.

If you fall down and you help another up while you’re down there, it’s like you rise twice.

Along with attitude, your character is about the choices you make rather than what happens to you.

Yes, it’s about doing the right thing even when obstacles seem insurmountable.  It’s about using that mountain you’ve been given to show others it can be moved.  It’s about being unapologetically you, taking control, choosing your attitude in adversity and being the best version of you to create the life you want.

How do you know what you really want? Is it truly status or success?

Unfortunately, these things do not always bring happiness. And aspects of our image or “performance driven existence” may not achieve satisfaction. Materialism is part of our refusal to accept ourselves as enough. All the things we use to repress our true selves are about being enough.

“Enoughness” is what we truly seek, but ego gets in the way.

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Ego is the perception of self as outer worth. It’s not REAL self worth.

Ego represses our true self with a new self— the self of chasing ‘“Am I ever enough?”’ questions. And instead of filling our true selves with self-love and acceptance, when we “should ourselves” and chase “enoughness,” we feed the ego or our image.

It’s important to realize YOU ARE ENOUGH, without all the material trappings.

Stanford psychologist Meagan O’Reilly describes the damage of not thinking we are enough. One of her tactics for combating this is to complete the sentence,[3]

“If I believed I were already enough, I’d ____”

What would you do if you felt you were enough?

By believing you are enough, you can live the life you want.

So many fake it to try to get there, and they end up losing themselves when they lose more and more touch with their Authenticity.

Final Thoughts

By being yourself, you are being brave. By acknowledging all you can be, you tell the universe that you can until you believe it too. The steps are easy, and you are worth it. All of it is about the purpose you are leading and the passion that is your fuel.

Being true to yourself is all about mastering how to live life authentically rather than faking or forcing it. Having the life you want (and deserve) is about being trusting in yourself and the purpose you are living for. Both need passion behind it, fueling it each second, or you will experience burn out.

When you are authentic, you can call the road you walk your own. When you live your life for you and not just the results of all your actions (faking it till you make it), you can let go of what you don’t need. This clarifies and pushes purpose to you, living for something that is greater than you.

You will find that making decisions based on what will actually achieve your goals, will help you attain the life you want, and your success with each step, will allow you to enjoy the process. Good luck!

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Featured photo credit: Ariana Prestes via unsplash.com

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