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A Great Way to Give Feedback: Two Stars and a Wish

A Great Way to Give Feedback: Two Stars and a Wish

Somebody told me that I was very poor at taking criticism, but I quickly pointed out that they were quite wrong. This little jest reveals a truth: we don’t like being criticized. We can easily become defensive and this makes it difficult for us to take on board the feedback that we near to hear. The same applies to the people we deal with at home, in social situations or in the office. But how can you criticize without upsetting the other person?

Two Stars and a Wish

As parents, friends or bosses we often have to give critical feedback, so how can we do this in a way that does not antagonize the other person but instead helps them to improve? Here is a method that works well in nearly all circumstances – it’s called two stars and a wish. Let’s say that little Johnny has terrible writing. His teacher could criticize this and tell him to work on it. Or she could say something like this: “Johnny, your stories are very interesting and you describe the characters really well. But I wish that I could read your writing more easily.” She starts with two elements of praise (and we all like to hear that) and then she frames the criticism in an ‘I wish’ form rather than a ‘You must’ form. Johnny feels good about the feedback and learns a way to make his stories even better.

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Similarly, say you have to chastise a colleague or subordinate at work for regularly submitting reports late. Most managers would say something like: “Jane, your last three reports have been late. Can you please get them to me on time from now on.” Using two stars and a wish you might say, “Jane, your reports are really accurate and useful to me, but I do wish that you would get them to me on time. That would really help.” Which approach do you think is more likely to be accepted by Jane and persuade her to change? The positive feedback acts like sugar on the pill of the criticism and makes it much easier to swallow.

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Explain the Impact

Another tip on giving feedback is to explain the impact of the behavior. In the last example you could expand the comment as follows: “Jane, your reports are really accurate and useful to me. They are very important because they help the company make accurate stock and purchasing decisions. But I do wish that you would get them to me on time because when they are late it puts me in a difficult position in the weekly management meetings and makes it hard for the team to make the right buying decisions.” By explaining the consequences of Jane’s conduct, you give her a more powerful reason to change than if you just asked her.

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Give Praise

Similarly, you should describe the impact when you give positive feedback. As a boss you should give praise whenever you can. It is great to get the chance to say, “Great work, Jim!” But it is even better to expand on it and say, “Great work, Jim. There was a risk that we would lose that customer but the way you handled the situation has turned that around completely.” Many people feel bashful about praising a colleague but it is a very positive thing to do and is as simple as saying, “I thought you raised some really good points in the meeting and you helped us focus on the key issue of customer satisfaction.”

The next time you feel that you have to criticize someone, start by giving them some praise. Try the two stars and a wish approach – it will lead to a better result for them and for you.

Featured photo credit: Ed Yourdan via flickr.com

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Paul Sloane

Professional Keynote Speaker, Author, Innovation Expert

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Last Updated on July 18, 2019

What Makes People Happy? 20 Secrets of “Always Happy” People

What Makes People Happy? 20 Secrets of “Always Happy” People

Some people just seem to float through life with a relentless sense of happiness – through the toughest of times, they’re unfazed and aloof, stopping to smell the roses and drinking out of a glass half full.

They may not have much to be happy about, but the simplicity behind that fact itself may make them happy.

It’s all a matter of perspective, conscious effort and self-awareness. Listed below are a number of reasons why some people are always happy.

1. They Manage Their Expectations

They’re not crushed when they don’t get what they want – or misled into expecting to get the most out of every situation. They approach every situation pragmatically, hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst.

2. They Don’t Set Unrealistic Standards

Similar to the last point, they don’t live their lives in a constant pursuit towards impossible visions of perfection, only to always find themselves falling short of what they want.

3. They Don’t Take Anything for Granted

Happiness rests with feeling fulfilled – those who fail to stop and appreciate what they have every now and again will never experience true fulfillment.

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4. They’re Not Materialistic

There are arguing viewpoints on whether or not money can really buy happiness; if it can, then we know from experience that we can never be satisfied because there will always be something newer or better that we want. Who has ever had enough money?

5. They Don’t Dwell

They don’t sweat the small things or waste time worrying about things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. They don’t let negative thoughts latch onto them and drain them or distract them. Life’s too short to worry.

6. They Care About Themselves First

They’re independent, care for themselves and understand that they must put their needs first in order to accommodate the needs of others.

They indulge, aim to get what they want, make time for themselves and are extremely self-reliant.

7. They Enjoy the Little Things

They stop to smell the roses. They’re accustomed to find serenity when it’s available, to welcome entertainment or a stimulating discussion with a stranger when it crosses their path. They don’t overlook the small things in life that can be just as important.

8. They Can Adapt

They’re not afraid of change and they work to make the most out of new circumstances, good or bad. They thrive under pressure, are not overwhelmed easily and always embrace a change of pace.

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9. They Experiment

They try new things, experience new flavors and never shy away from something they have yet to experience. They never order twice from the same menu.

10. They Take Their Time

They don’t unnecessarily rush through life. They work on their own schedule to the extent that they can and maneuver through life at their own relaxing pace.

11. They Employ Different Perspectives

They’re not stuck in one perspective; a loss can result in a new opportunity, hitting rock bottom can mean that there’s no where to go but up.

12. They Seek to Learn

Their constant pursuit of knowledge keeps them inspired and interested in life. They cherish information and are on a life-long quest to learn as much as they can.

13. They Always Have a Plan

They don’t find themselves drifting without purpose. When something doesn’t go as planned, they have a plan for every letter in the alphabet to fall back on.

14. They Give Respect to Get It

They are respectful and, in turn, are seen as respectable; the respect they exude earns them the respect they deserve.

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15. They Consider Every Opportunity

They always have their eyes open for a new road, a new avenue worth exploring. They know how to recognize opportune moments and pounce on them to make the most of every situation. Success is inevitable for them.

16. They Always Seek to Improve

Perpetual self-improvement is the key towards their ongoing thirst for success. Whatever it is they do, they take pride in getting better and better, from social interactions to mundane tasks. Their pursuit at being the best eventually materializes.

17. They Don’t Take Life Too Seriously

They’re not ones to get offended easily over-analyze or complicate matters. They laugh at their own faults and misfortunes.

18. They Live in the Moment

They don’t live for tomorrow or dwell on what may have happened yesterday. Every day is a new opportunity, a new chapter. They live in the now, and in doing so, get the most out of every moment.

You can learn how to do so too: How to Live in the Moment and Stop Worrying About the Past or Future

19. They Say Yes

Much more often than they say no. They don’t have to be badgered to go out, don’t shy away from new opportunities or anything that may seem inconvenient.

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20. They’re Self-Aware

Most important, they’re wholly aware of themselves. They self-reflect and are conscious of their states of mind. If somethings bothering them, they fix it.

We’re all susceptible to feeling down every now and again, but we are all equipped with the necessary solutions that just have to be discovered.

Lack of confidence, inability to feel fulfilled, and susceptibility to stress are all matters that can be controlled through the way we handle our lives and perceive our circumstances.

Learn about How Self-Reflection Gives You a Happier and More Successful Life.

Final Thoughts

The main philosophy employed by the happiest includes the idea that life’s simply too short: life’s too short to let things get you down, to take things for granted, to pursue absolute and unrealistic perfection.

For some, employing these characteristics is a second nature – they do it without knowing. For others, a conscious effort must be put forth every now and again. Self-Awareness is key.

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Featured photo credit: Charles Postiaux via unsplash.com

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