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A Great Way to Give Feedback: Two Stars and a Wish

A Great Way to Give Feedback: Two Stars and a Wish

Somebody told me that I was very poor at taking criticism, but I quickly pointed out that they were quite wrong. This little jest reveals a truth: we don’t like being criticized. We can easily become defensive and this makes it difficult for us to take on board the feedback that we near to hear. The same applies to the people we deal with at home, in social situations or in the office. But how can you criticize without upsetting the other person?

Two Stars and a Wish

As parents, friends or bosses we often have to give critical feedback, so how can we do this in a way that does not antagonize the other person but instead helps them to improve? Here is a method that works well in nearly all circumstances – it’s called two stars and a wish. Let’s say that little Johnny has terrible writing. His teacher could criticize this and tell him to work on it. Or she could say something like this: “Johnny, your stories are very interesting and you describe the characters really well. But I wish that I could read your writing more easily.” She starts with two elements of praise (and we all like to hear that) and then she frames the criticism in an ‘I wish’ form rather than a ‘You must’ form. Johnny feels good about the feedback and learns a way to make his stories even better.

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Similarly, say you have to chastise a colleague or subordinate at work for regularly submitting reports late. Most managers would say something like: “Jane, your last three reports have been late. Can you please get them to me on time from now on.” Using two stars and a wish you might say, “Jane, your reports are really accurate and useful to me, but I do wish that you would get them to me on time. That would really help.” Which approach do you think is more likely to be accepted by Jane and persuade her to change? The positive feedback acts like sugar on the pill of the criticism and makes it much easier to swallow.

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Explain the Impact

Another tip on giving feedback is to explain the impact of the behavior. In the last example you could expand the comment as follows: “Jane, your reports are really accurate and useful to me. They are very important because they help the company make accurate stock and purchasing decisions. But I do wish that you would get them to me on time because when they are late it puts me in a difficult position in the weekly management meetings and makes it hard for the team to make the right buying decisions.” By explaining the consequences of Jane’s conduct, you give her a more powerful reason to change than if you just asked her.

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Give Praise

Similarly, you should describe the impact when you give positive feedback. As a boss you should give praise whenever you can. It is great to get the chance to say, “Great work, Jim!” But it is even better to expand on it and say, “Great work, Jim. There was a risk that we would lose that customer but the way you handled the situation has turned that around completely.” Many people feel bashful about praising a colleague but it is a very positive thing to do and is as simple as saying, “I thought you raised some really good points in the meeting and you helped us focus on the key issue of customer satisfaction.”

The next time you feel that you have to criticize someone, start by giving them some praise. Try the two stars and a wish approach – it will lead to a better result for them and for you.

Featured photo credit: Ed Yourdan via flickr.com

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Paul Sloane

Professional Keynote Speaker, Author, Innovation Expert

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Last Updated on November 5, 2018

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

We’ve all got our enemies; people who take pleasure in causing us pain and misery. Sometimes, the development of an enemy is due to certain differences in your characters and events have led to that. Other times, some people end up hating you for apparently no reason at all.

Regardless of how you got this enemy, as opposed to the paradigm of fighting fire with fire, consider the following reasons and see why you should actually appreciate your enemies. This article will show you not only how to not be bothered by your enemies, but how to actually foster love for them.

Read on to learn the secret.

1. It’s a practical lesson in anger management

To be honest, your enemies are the best people to help you understand your sense of anger management. When it might be true that your enemies have a way of bringing out the worst in you as regards anger, it is also true that they can help you in your quest to have that anger managed. You can’t get truly angry at someone you love and it is only in that time when you get truly annoyed that you learn how to manage it.

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Anger management is more effective when it is in practice and not in theory

Your enemies are like the therapists who you need, but actually don’t want. Inasmuch as you might want to hate them, they provide you an opportunity to control the anger impulse that you have.

2. It’s an opportunity for healthy competition

You might not know it, but your enemies make for great rivals as they help harness the competitor in you (sometimes, you might not even know or bee conversant with this competitive side until you come across an adversary). You get the right motivation to compete and this can go a long way to spur you to victory.

However, while doing so, it is also essential that you remember not to become a worse version of yourself while competing. Working against an adversary is tricky, and you need to ensure that you don’t cause harm to yourself or your morals in the process. Healthy competition is all you need to get out of this.

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3. Their negative comments can help you make a breakthrough

It is true that your enemies never really have much good to say about you. However, in as much as they might be talking out of a place of hate, there might be some truth to what they’re saying.

To wit, whenever you hear something mean or nasty from an enemy, you might want to take a step back and evaluate yourself. There is a chance that what this enemy is saying is true and coming to face that fact is a major step in helping you to become a better person overall. This is another testament to the fact that enemies can be therapists in their own way.

4. Enemies can also be powerful allies

Loving your enemies can also mean making an effort to interact and make peace with them. In the end, if you are able to establish some common ground and patch things up, you’ll have succeeded in making another friend. And who doesn’t need friends?

This can also help you in working with people in the long run. You get to hone your inter-personal skills, and that can be a big plus to your ledger.

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5. It gives you the ability to realize positivity

In a multitude of negativity, a speck of positivity always seems to find its way through.

Sometimes, a knowledge of the fact that you have enemies will also help you to focus on the many positives and good things that are in your life. A lot of times, we neglect what really matters in life. This can be due to being overly concerned with the enemies we have.

However, it is also possible for this acknowledgement to spur you to take a step back and appreciate the goo things (and people who surround you).

6. There might just be a misunderstanding

Sometimes, the reason why you have an enemy might be something very innocuous. You might not have known the cause of this fractured relationship and your enemy will help complete the picture.

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Simply approaching them will help you to understand the reason for the fracture. This, in turn, can help you to work towards healing your relationship moving forward. Misunderstandings happen, and you need to be able to work around them.

7. You learn to appreciate love as well

A constant reminder of the fact that there are enemies will also help you not to take those who love you for granted. Love and hate are two opposing emotions and it is possible for one to momentarily overshadow the other.

However, while you’ll always have enemies, there will also always be people who love you. These people need to be appreciated for what they do for you. Never let the hate projected to you from your enemies take the place of that.

8. Do you really need the hate?

The truth is that enemies bring only toxic emotions and generate bad reactions from you. If you’re truly to live a prosperous life, you can’t really be carrying all this baggage around.

Hate is bad and you should try all you can to get rid of it. It is a well-known fact that nobody can get really far in life while carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Well, hate is the biggest form of emotional baggage there is.

Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com

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