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A Great Way to Give Feedback: Two Stars and a Wish

A Great Way to Give Feedback: Two Stars and a Wish

Somebody told me that I was very poor at taking criticism, but I quickly pointed out that they were quite wrong. This little jest reveals a truth: we don’t like being criticized. We can easily become defensive and this makes it difficult for us to take on board the feedback that we near to hear. The same applies to the people we deal with at home, in social situations or in the office. But how can you criticize without upsetting the other person?

Two Stars and a Wish

As parents, friends or bosses we often have to give critical feedback, so how can we do this in a way that does not antagonize the other person but instead helps them to improve? Here is a method that works well in nearly all circumstances – it’s called two stars and a wish. Let’s say that little Johnny has terrible writing. His teacher could criticize this and tell him to work on it. Or she could say something like this: “Johnny, your stories are very interesting and you describe the characters really well. But I wish that I could read your writing more easily.” She starts with two elements of praise (and we all like to hear that) and then she frames the criticism in an ‘I wish’ form rather than a ‘You must’ form. Johnny feels good about the feedback and learns a way to make his stories even better.

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Similarly, say you have to chastise a colleague or subordinate at work for regularly submitting reports late. Most managers would say something like: “Jane, your last three reports have been late. Can you please get them to me on time from now on.” Using two stars and a wish you might say, “Jane, your reports are really accurate and useful to me, but I do wish that you would get them to me on time. That would really help.” Which approach do you think is more likely to be accepted by Jane and persuade her to change? The positive feedback acts like sugar on the pill of the criticism and makes it much easier to swallow.

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Explain the Impact

Another tip on giving feedback is to explain the impact of the behavior. In the last example you could expand the comment as follows: “Jane, your reports are really accurate and useful to me. They are very important because they help the company make accurate stock and purchasing decisions. But I do wish that you would get them to me on time because when they are late it puts me in a difficult position in the weekly management meetings and makes it hard for the team to make the right buying decisions.” By explaining the consequences of Jane’s conduct, you give her a more powerful reason to change than if you just asked her.

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Give Praise

Similarly, you should describe the impact when you give positive feedback. As a boss you should give praise whenever you can. It is great to get the chance to say, “Great work, Jim!” But it is even better to expand on it and say, “Great work, Jim. There was a risk that we would lose that customer but the way you handled the situation has turned that around completely.” Many people feel bashful about praising a colleague but it is a very positive thing to do and is as simple as saying, “I thought you raised some really good points in the meeting and you helped us focus on the key issue of customer satisfaction.”

The next time you feel that you have to criticize someone, start by giving them some praise. Try the two stars and a wish approach – it will lead to a better result for them and for you.

Featured photo credit: Ed Yourdan via flickr.com

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Paul Sloane

Professional Keynote Speaker, Author, Innovation Expert

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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1. Listen

Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

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“What makes you so excited about it?”

“How long has that been your dream?”

You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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3. Encourage

This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

5. Dream

This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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6. Ask How You Can Help

Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

7. Follow Up

Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

Final Thoughts

By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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