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7 Reasons Your Relationship Is Not Healthy

7 Reasons Your Relationship Is Not Healthy

When it comes to developing a solid foundation in your relationship, it’s important for you to be aware of certain things that can weaken this process. Establishing a healthy and long-lasting connection between you and your partner is the key to building a solid foundation.

Below I will share with you 7 reasons your relationship may not be healthy. I will help educate you and give you deeper insight into why these specific reasons weaken your foundation. Finally, I will give you some practical steps to re-establish your foundation.

1. Resentment starts to build a wall between you and your partner.

 

Young couple on a sofa after a row argument

    Resentment is the strong bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you. Do you have resentment building in your relationship? Having resentment in your relationship builds a huge wall right in between you and your partner. As the years go on, the bigger the wall of resentment will become. With this big wall, how can love possibly grow? It would be near to impossible to love your partner if you viewed them in a negative light.

    Do you experience negative feelings whenever your partner does something? Or how about getting into an argument and bringing up the past? If you answer, “Yes,” to both of these questions, you have resentment in your relationship. The key to letting go of resentment is to learn how to forgive your partner. We are all human and make mistakes. Now is the time to decide to forgive your partner for their mistakes. If you are committed to developing a healthy and long lasting connecting with your partner, you must let go of resentment.

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    2. Airing out your dirty laundry.

     

    laundry

      What does it mean when you air out your dirty laundry? Take a moment and reflect on the picture above. You see that there are adult pants, kid pants, and socks. Whoever put their laundry out felt that it was okay for others to see it. Use this analogy when it comes to a relationship. I have met some couples who felt that it was okay to air their problems out in public. These problems can include the physical, financial, emotional or psychological.

      A relationship starts to become unhealthy when you talk about private issues out in public—whether it be with your friends, family, co-workers, or even acquaintances. When you are in a committed relationship, you must always be a united front. No matter what issues you are experiencing in your relationship, it must always stay between the two of you.

      When you air out your dirty laundry for the public to see, it can become very embarrassing to you or your partner. When you put down your partner in front of others, you are embarrassing them. This act does nothing but destroy your relationship. Be consciously aware when you talk to others about your partner. When you do talk to others, always shed positive light about them. If you are experiencing some tough times in your relationship, this does not give you the “green light” to talk badly about your partner. This is when you need to have open and honest communication between the two of you. If it seems like you need a third party, seek a professional. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a relationship counselor or a therapist. This can only help bring wisdom to your relationship.

      3. Looking at society’s standard of what a relationship should be like.

       

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        Unplug from society every once in a while and plug into your mind. We live in a society that is filled with so many distractions and noise. It seems like we are constantly plugging into the latest trend, what’s on television and what others are talking about. When it comes to your relationship, all this noise can really affect your connection with your partner in a negative way. Our society sets a standard for how we are supposed to have a relationship. Whether it be how you should dress, how you should act, or what you should do when you get into an argument. Following society’s standard can have a huge impact on your relationship. This impact causes you to lose touch with who you truly are and what kind of relationship you want.

        It’s important for you and your partner to decide between each other what kind of relationship you want to have. Women today are under a lot of pressure with their looks and appearance. Men are experiencing pressure on what it takes to be a “true man.” Living in a society where it seems like sex is everywhere, you must set the standard for your relationship. Decide between the two of you how you want to experience a loving and committed relationship.

        4. Bringing up the past whenever you get into arguments.

        bigstock-Couple-Having-Argument-At-Home-16858187

          “Stop living in the past. The only thing we should do about what happened yesterday is to learn from it. Yesterday, good or bad, is history. Tomorrow is a dream, a hope, a passion. Don’t let your history destroy your dream.” — Edwin Mamerto

          Some of my clients experience this in their relationship. It’s important that you are consciously aware of when you bring up the past during the present. When this happens, it not only hurts your partner, but also builds a wall between the two of you. When a couple experiences an argument, it’s easy to bring up the past. When a person is upset and/or hurt in a relationship, there is a high possibility that their past experiences are coming up. Whether it be their childhood, a traumatic situation or something that happened between the couple that causes one person to bring up emotions of hurt, pain and frustration. A relationship can never develop when the past is constantly being mentioned. How can you and your partner possibly deepen the connection between the two of you when the past keeps coming up?

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          When you are experiencing emotions of pain, hurt and frustration from the past, it’s important for you to be aware of this. It’s even more important to not throw these emotions at your partner whenever you are in an argument. This causes your partner to become defensive and distance themself from you. You and your partner will be making mistakes along the way and it’s important for the two of you to work through these mistakes so you can both move forward and develop your relationship. Learn to forgive your partner and have an open discussion about your past and why you bring it up.

          5. Not knowing when to “turn it off.”

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            It’s all about balance when it comes to work and personal time. A lot of people have difficulty turning “off” from work when they get home. This can really affect your relationship.

            If you allow yourself to continue to think about work when you’re with your partner, your relationship is not healthy. When you spend time with your partner, be with your partner. How can you possibly spend quality time with them when your mind is still at work? Allow yourself to disconnect from your job and connect with your partner. If you want to develop your relationship, it’s important to learn when to “turn it off”.

            6. When financial stress is constant.

            financial-steps-for-couples

              The number one cause of stress in a relationship is financial stress. When you find yourself arguing about finances on a consistent basis with your partner, you are experiencing financial stress. This stress can affect every aspect of your relationship. Whether it be in the bedroom, what you can buy, or lack of trust. Financial stress leads to an unhealthy relationship. You are constantly worrying about what you can buy or not trusting your partner.

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              The solution to financial stress is to be on the same page with your finances. Make sure you are able to have an open discussion and communicate in a way that is both productive and respectful.

              7. Lack of openness and communication in the bedroom.

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                One aspect of being in a monogamous and committed relationship is being sexually involved with your partner. If it seems like you are avoiding the topic of sex in your relationship and just going through with the process of sex, this is an issue that needs to be addressed. It’s important for you and your partner to openly discuss what you like and what you don’t like. Your relationship becomes unhealthy when it seems like it’s only a one way street, or you are giving of yourself without receiving anything. There’s a balance to be achieved. When you don’t feel open enough to talk about sex in your relationship, it’s a sign that this topic needs to be discussed.

                I highly suggest reading the book Mars and Venus In The Bedroom, by John Gray. He shares wisdom on the difference between men and women and how to approach your partner so that you can  have an open and honest discussion about sex without feeling personal and defensive. How can you possibly please your partner when you don’t know what they want and vice versa? Open communication is important in every aspect of your relationship.

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                Last Updated on March 14, 2019

                7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

                7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

                Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

                For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

                Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

                1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

                A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

                It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

                It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

                How it helps you:

                If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

                Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

                2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

                Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

                Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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                How it helps you:

                Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

                Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

                If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

                Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

                3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

                Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

                Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

                How it helps you:

                This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

                For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

                Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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                A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

                4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

                To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

                A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

                How it helps you:

                One word: hierarchy.

                All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

                In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

                If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

                5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

                Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

                Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

                How it helps you:

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                Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

                If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

                This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

                6. What do you like about working here?

                This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

                Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

                How it helps you:

                You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

                Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

                Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

                7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

                What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

                As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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                How it helps you:

                What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

                First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

                Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

                Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

                Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

                Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

                Making Your Interview Work for You

                Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

                Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

                More Resources About Job Interviews

                Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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