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6 Ways To Make Dysfunctional Families Functional

6 Ways To Make Dysfunctional Families Functional

So are you a Blood or a Crip? Or maybe you relate more to the Latin Kings? Perhaps you might know a few guys who ride with the Warlocks or Hell’s Angels? Now, just take a minute and imagine all of these guys sitting at your dinner table on Thanksgiving Day. Only, they are not gangs. They are your family members. They each come with their own codes of secrecy. They each carry pain etched into their skin like a faded Jesus tattoo. And they’re looking to expand their turf and recruit you into their madness of misery by forcing you to drink moonshine gin. If you dread being around your family for more than five minutes, then you need to read these six tips. You’ll learn how to make dysfunctional families functional and stop family events from turning into deadly massacres of tiffs and battles for turf.

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1. People are very emotional. It is difficult to deal with emotions.

The difficulty lies in us not really communicating with words, but with emotions. Sadly, many people don’t have control over their emotions. Or people simply can’t understand their emotions well enough to communicate them effectively. Families are nothing more than a series of differing relationships with underlying emotions. Each member within the family is working to get some kind of need met. Psychiatrist W. Robert Beavers developed the Beavers Scale of Family Functioning. This scale measures the emotional health and development patterns within the family structure. People can use the Beaver’s scale to identify their family structure and thus make strides to change it.

2. Level 5: Families void of love and emotion.

These families are the lowest on the Beaver Scale. Much like gangs, members of these families are beaten or sexed in. Sadly, members within these families are severely neglected. They feel lost simply because the family structure lacks a strong authoritative parental figure. Members become void of emotion, because they’ve become jaded from all the abuse and suffering. People within these families lack empathy. They don’t have the capacity to understand other people’s pain.

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When dealing with members in this family structure, it is wise to refrain from face to face confrontation. They will never admit or apologize for hurting you, because they simply refuse to acknowledge your pain. The best way to handle members within this family structure is to not give them any additional power. Your attitude must remain in neutral even when you’re seething inside. In time, you’ll find the pain they caused you will disseminate. Once you have control, then you can find the right counselor or therapist who can guide you the rest of the way.

3. Level 4: The Dictator! This family structure is rack by rigid rules and a strong disciplinarian who acts more like a dictator than a parent.

The tyrant rules with coercion and intimidation. The tyrant seeks to control the feelings and actions of his/her subordinates. She will chastise, ostracize and burn people at the stake if they refuse to adhere to her rules. It is important to understand that people that can’t control themselves wish to control the people around them. Members in these family structures may act out, because they need some sense of freedom.

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Or their self-confidence might be tampered to a point in which they become a human doormat. A wise teacher once taught me relationships are all about roles. First, we need to understand the other person, identify what they’re lacking, and thus jump into the role that is going to alleviate their pain. In the case of a controlling loved one. We can work to offer them a sense of security. We don’t need to feel micro-managed. Instead, we can control a controlling relationship by staying two steps ahead of him. Tell him everything you’re going to do, exactly when you’re going to do it. Don’t be a bossy pants or smartass. Do it with love and compassion. This will make the controlling person feel safe. With time, he or she will become less controlling.

4. Level 3: It is our way or the highway.

There is nothing more painful than not being allowed to be who you are. In this family structure there isn’t a tyrant parent or guardian who is suppressing the individual rights of the family members. Rather, it’s the family as a whole. The family uses psychological persuasions to control and manipulate members. Sadly, these same methods are used as brainwashing techniques in cults and gangs. Naturally, people want to conform, partly because their fear of isolation and abandonment are so strong. After all, it is fear of non-acceptance that drives initiation in gangs to commit heinous crimes.

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In this family structure, the interest of the group takes precedence over the needs of the individual. As a result, the individual never really develops his or her own thoughts, or intuitive understanding. Sadly, the only way to become an individual is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Renowned speaker and author Brené Brown talks about the power of vulnerability. People falsely assume vulnerability means being weak, feeble or crying. In truth, vulnerability means having the courage to be who you are. First, you’ll need to peel away everything that is false about you. Then, you need to take some serious time to truly explore who you are. I like to use creative visualization methods to explore the deeper parts of self. However, meditating by a river, ocean or tree is enough to get you started.

5. Level 2: Mediocre Family. There are a lot of loosely regulated rules in this family structure.

Individuals within this family are allowed to voice their opinions. There is a considerable amount of empathy and respect. And rules are flexible and can be amended when needed. Members within this family structure work hard to break away from old destructive habits. They are able to step back and reflect. They are also able to understand and respect people’s differences. Members in these families are able to sit down and talk, and come to a truce to stop the perpetual battles over turf and power.

6. Level 1: The best of the best.

This is the kind of structure that is often displayed on hit television shows like The Cosby Show and Full House. Members within these family structures offer each other a sense of love and security. Unlike most gangs, this family structure is incredibly efficient with a strong sense of security. Members don’t abuse their power. They communicate well, and are open to love and intimacy. If your family is not at level one, there is no need to worry. You don’t need to work to try and change them. Instead, observe them from a distance. Then work to make optimum changes within yourself, by doing this, you’ll break dysfunctional patterns. And you will begin to shift the dynamics of your whole family structure.

Featured photo credit: http://www.shutterstock.com/ via shutterstock.com

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

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Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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