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Last Updated on June 26, 2019

How to Handle Relationship Fights to Connect Deeper with Your Partner

How to Handle Relationship Fights to Connect Deeper with Your Partner

Just as fights can break a relationship, they can also be used to strengthen it.

Today, I will tell you how to achieve this — how to handle relationship fights better so that you can connect deeper with your partner.

It’s not as complicated as it may seem, but it does demand effort, commitment and dedication.

You see, when relationships get serious, it means the clashing of two worlds. Two persons will share more and more of their lives with one another.

Casual relationships don’t demand any effort, because when something goes wrong, it’s just bye-bye and we forget about it. But if we want to keep that significant other, there are many things we need to change.

First things first…

1. Never Allow Emotions to Get in the Way

Arguments can heat up too quickly if we don’t keep our emotions under check, so the first thing you need to do is to refuse to get emotional.

Go against your own ego, against your own anger, against your fear… even against those feelings of hurt. And, as demanding as it sounds, you also need to go against the feelings that your partner is eliciting in you.

Why? Because if you allow your emotions to speak for you, you will only be adding fuel to the fire.

One thing will lead to another, and suddenly emotions will get the best of both of you.

So, as difficult as it may seem, engage in the argument with the complete determination to not let your emotions get in the way. Refuse to react to them and move on to the only way you can handle relationship fights properly:

Direct communication.

Although we may want to express ourselves freely, we cannot allow emotions, or miscommunication to get in the way.

2. Don’t Fight Fire with Fire

Whit this I mean that, whenever you are solving a problem with your partner, you have to refrain from using hurtful language, rhetoric and sarcasm. They will only add an emotional overtone that you definitely don’t want to get in the way.

We may not be able to get inside our partner’s mind, but if there’s one certain thing we can do, that is to control our own actions.

If you use only direct communication, you will get the point across, and that’s all you need to do.

The real test of all relationship fights is to traverse the emotional field and simply get the point across so that it can be solved. Once you achieve that, communication does the trick.

And now we have to talk about communication.

In order for you to get the message across, you must do the obvious:

Refrain from attacking and stating your thoughts, needs and concerns without any additional information.

But also, a very important thing to do, is to listen and understand your partner’s concerns. If you think it’s all about you communicating your needs, you would be forgetting about half of the relationship: Your partner.

3. Listen and Understand Your Partner

It doesn’t matter if this relationship fight arose from your complains or concerns, it’s also important to understand your partner’s position. Once you do this, you can communicate better.

You know where you are, and where you need to go (figuratively). And now you also need to know where your partner is standing, and how to get to common grounds.

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This is starting to make sense, right?

Now we need to actually get into handling argument.

There is a widespread toxicity between couples nowadays. A toxic habit to use love for the other as a bargaining chip.

If you are doing something I don’t like, well, then maybe I don’t love you anymore.

Oh, you are not obeying me? Well, then I take love away.

I am sure you know what I mean, and if you want to connect deeper with your partner, you cannot do this.

4. Put Love Before Everything Else

A point where you and your partner decide if you will keep walking together… or not.

I know it sounds drastic, but it’s true.

Be aware that every argument is either solved successfully, the breakup point or kept as resentment by the unsatisfied partner if the relationship goes on.

If love is taken away on discretion, used as a means to control the partner, it’s called manipulation. And manipulation is fundamentally going against good relationships.

Love must be put before everything and anything. And I suggest you start your communication by reminding this to yourself and your partner.

This is something that I personally say, and it’s a great start to handle relationship fights:

“Look, I love you, and that’s above this argument, and so I need to tell you that I feel… “

And then, you state your thoughts and concerns, as well as asking clarifying questions to reassure and care for the other. This is extremely powerful and it allows for communication to flow correctly.

5. Embrace Change

If you do this, then fear of breaking up, fear of abandonment, fear of being neglected and “discarded”, fear of being controlled… they all go away.

We may not be used to hearing this, but think about it for a moment…

… it’s the very fears that lie at the core of most relationship fights.

And love trumps them all!

Start from love, from unconditional love, and you can conquer all relationship fights.

Everything sounds beautiful so far, right?

Now we have to delve into the not-so-pleasant aspects of overcoming an argument…

The ones that demand more from ourselves…

After you both have stated your concerns and thoughts, and after communication is flowing smoothly and unemotionally, you need to get to action.

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And what does action means in relationship fights?

Change.

Yes, whatever the problem is, if you want to solve it, it will mean change.

You can talk with your partner and apologize and fill each other with love but, if the problem is not corrected, then the couple is doomed to failure.

6. Forget Blame, Focus on Responsibility

For example: If the problem is that your partner didn’t listen to you and was chatting all the time on the phone, you need that attitude changed, right?

What’s an apology without a changed attitude? It’s nothing, so there needs to be change and that goes for you too.

In order to determine what needs to be changed, we have to let go of the concept of blame and substitute it for responsibility.

If I yell at my wife, apologize, and do it again, then nothing happened.

An apology is not a blank slate to go and make mistakes all over again. It makes sense only with a changed attitude and corrected mistakes.

That’s why responsibility must be assigned to whomever made a mistake. And that’s why I said we need to let go of the concept of blame. Complaining is not to make the other feel bad.

It’s funny how our egos work, isn’t it?

7. Tame Your Ego

I yell at you. You tell me I am guilty of deteriorating the relationship. And I feel bad for you calling me out on that?

As absurd as it sounds, we need to get around this problem that is so common.

Whenever you are having a relationship fight, be humble, and dare to recognize your own mistakes.

Connecting deeper with your partner will almost invariably mean change.

As I stated above, it is the clash of two worlds. Two different concepts of life that need to align… or not.

And the only way the concepts can possibly align in a non-toxic way is if both persons involved are humble and brave enough to change whenever it is necessary.

This is where you will find more friction. You will create a lot of resistance here, and you must fight against that resistance and allow change in yourself.

It all comes to priorities: It’s either your ego or the relationship.

8. Prioritize Your Relationship

I know, once again, that it may sound drastic, but if we don’t bring it down to a simple binary choice, the relationship can really deteriorate.

Putting the other person above the relationship is also negative, as it creates an imbalance, a lack of reciprocity.

And that goes against healthy relationships.

So, dare to confront yourself and recognize when it’s time to change.

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This is a very powerful way to connect deeper with your partner. He or she will know that you are taking responsibility if your actions. And it will also be clear that you prioritize your partner and the relationship.

Whenever you find yourself looking for excuses to justify something you did, resort to honesty and authenticity.

It it’s time to change, it’s time to change. Doing all this will allow you to have a clear vision, and to know when the scale is tipping against you.

Now, this cannot be a one-sided effort. Ask your partner to work with you the same way you are doing it. That’s the only way you will successfully handle relationship fights.

9. Be the Change First

You may be thinking that this guide is a little bit one sided, but think about it:

No one talks about your responsibility. No one is making you accountable.

And it’s not because I am assigning the blame to you, and it’s not because I want to burden you with the whole responsibility either. In fact, the reason is very simple:

If you don’t bring this to the table, your partner most likely won’t.

And if you start by taking these actions, you can ask your partner to mirror them.

In the end, it’s all for the sake of connecting deeper with your partner. And we are so used to keep distance with our partners because of fear of being hurt.

But you know what’s lacking in the relationship: Responsibility.

If you bring that to the table, you are so close to creating a deep, meaningful relationship, or strengthening it!

Once you and your partner have assigned responsibilities it’s time to wrap it up in a way that satisfies both of you.

And yes, this is all done direct communication. Explicit and detailed.

10. Never Assume

Don’t assume your partner knows something, and don’t use ambiguity to allow for actions that may result in a future fight.

Once you have reached an understanding, a great way to end the argument is to apologize and to state what is going to be changed in the attitude or relationship.

For example: I apologize for yelling at you. I will control my emotions and I won’t yell at you again.

This makes you (or your partner) accountable. And it is necessary for a healthy relationship.

These actions craft beautiful love.

You take responsibility, and so does your partner. You have your partner’s back, and she’s got yours too!

Conclude verbally and there will be no emotional residues. No possibility of encountering the same fight again in the future.

It may take a couple of tries, but take your time to solve it all.

Now, there are some last-minute recommendations I want to give you…

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11. Handle Problems and Concerns One at a Time

We can easily get lost in a relationship fight by bringing up other issues that are not current at the moment.

You guessed it: That’s the product of an argument handled incorrectly, and of emotional residue.

So, in order to keep this from ruining every single argument, start by dealing with the issue at hand first.

And then, after you both have stated your conclusions, your apology and the change you are going to make, take on the next issue. And yes, this can be taxing.

It will take time, effort, patience and persistence. But your relationship is worth it.

I also don’t want you to think that all the weight must fall on your shoulders. As I stated above, this is just to instruct you on how to properly handle relationship fights. Once you understand, you must make sure your partner is also willing to make the same effort and take the same responsibility that you are taking.

Never be afraid of pointing out something that is wrong.

12. Remind Yourself That YOU Matter

You need to be heard and your concerns need to be addressed, even if it takes time and effort; even if you need your partner to change so that the relationship grows.

Emotions are sure to arise even if you have made the decision to not get emotional. That is natural. But refuse to engage in hostilities with your partner, even in the worst of cases.

Don’t respond to yelling by yelling. Don’t respond to insults with insults. Handle hostilities and ask your partner to refrain from them.

But if they persist, it may also be a sign that your partner is not as willing to make an effort as you are.

And this takes me to the last recommendation in this guide: Be brave.

If your partner is not willing to change. If he/she is not willing to recognize mistakes, apologize and change… Then maybe it’s not a relationship worth pursuing.

Be brave to see this. It’s better to be alone than in bad company.

But if you want to connect deeper with your partner, use this guide to solve any relationship fight you might encounter.

Love Trumps It All

By being the change you want to see in your partner, you are being the solution.

This is unconventional, because we tend to escape additional responsibilities.

But if you dare to do this, if your relationship is worth it, you are creating the strongest bond of them all:

Love. True love.

And there’s nothing stronger than that.

More About Relationships

Featured photo credit: Jacob Mejicanos via unsplash.com

More by this author

George Alonso

Mental Health Expert, creator of the Transcendental Mindfulness Therapy.

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional? Having an Emotional Breakdown? 15 Ways to Re-Center Yourself 9 Simple Mindfulness Exercises to Calm Your Mind How to Handle Relationship Fights to Connect Deeper with Your Partner Why You Keep Getting Into Toxic Relationships (And How to Stop)

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Last Updated on March 25, 2020

How to Crush Your Lack of Motivation and Always Stay Motivated

How to Crush Your Lack of Motivation and Always Stay Motivated

How many times have you not achieved your goals and let yourself down due to your lack of motivation? When you’re not wallowing in sadness and self-pity, you are too busy procrastinating till you can’t anymore and before you know it, you are part of vicious cycle of anxiety and stress.

Whether it’s losing weight or bringing your business to fruition – motivation is essential for growth and success in every sphere of our lives.

That said, it is not easy staying motivated. In order to constantly stay motivated, you need to take ownership of your life and consciously make efforts in that direction.

Well, it’s never too late to take matters in your hands and change the course of your life. Here are 11 effective ways to crush your lack of motivation and always stay motivated:

1. Write Your Goals

The power of writing goals down has always been underestimated. Why write when you can remember, right? Wrong.

Our thoughts are all over the place and the first step to achieve your goals is to organize your thoughts. So, write your goals down, however big or small they might be. Make them as specific as possible and assign deadlines to each of them.

As you write them down and revisit them regularly, they get further drilled in your head, taking you closer to your goals. Doing this small exercise helps you to remain focused, motivated and lets you track your progress with ease.

Start today – take to your laptop or a diary and get down to writing what you wish to achieve in life.

2. Beat Procrastination

Your lack of motivation and procrastination go hand in hand. Every time you procrastinate, your motivation levels take a greater hit. The only way to bring an end to this loop is to stop procrastinating.

Next time you find yourself putting off something for ‘later’, stop and assess the reasons behind it. Get to the root of the cause and eliminate it in order to overcome this poor habit of procrastinating which is sabotaging your life and mental health.

Take a look at this guide and learn how to beat procrastination:

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What Is Procrastination (And the Complete Guide to Stop Procrastinating)

When you finally overcome procrastination, you will realize the positive impact it has on your mood and motivation levels.

3. Celebrate Small Wins

In the quest to achieve the bigger goals in life, we often forget to celebrate the smaller wins along the way. An achievement is an achievement – be it big or small, it deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated.

Finished a project on time? Reward yourself. Managed to run on the treadmill for a good one hour? Pat yourself on the back. Found time to meditate? Celebrate it.

It is these small achievements that reinstate that we are on the right path and take us one step closer to the bigger goals.

So, get into the habit of recognizing and appreciating small wins. You will be surprised to see how this practice helps you stay motivated.

4. Practice Gratitude

It’s easier to whine about what we don’t have rather than counting our blessings. Isn’t it?

Making gratefulness a part of your life is a very important step to retain high motivational levels. It revitalizes our spirits and renews our enthusiasm for life.

So, how do you practice gratitude? For starters, keep a gratitude journal to jot down what you are grateful for, express your gratitude to people you love and spread positivity wherever you go. If you need some inspiration to be thankful for, here it is:

60 Things To Be Thankful For In Life

By doing so, you begin to focus more on what you have rather than what you don’t and that is a great start to stay motivated.

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5. Be Optimistic

Life is not always hunky dory. There will be bad days when things aren’t going in your favor, when you feel lost and all you want to do is give up.

At such times, instead of letting negativity take over your life, adopt an optimistic approach to life. Quit overthinking, ask the right questions and focus on finding solutions.

Yes, there will be hurdles along the way but if you hang on to positive affirmations and hopes, the journey will be a lot smoother. So, with every passing day, sow the seeds of positivity and you are sure to build a positive environment around you.

6. Don’t Dwell on the Past

A lot of times, our lack of motivation stems from the habit of dwelling on the past. This gives rise to fear and regrets, preventing us from making progress in the present day.

Dwelling on the past is nothing but a waste of time. Understand that the past is long gone, and you cannot do anything to change that.

What you can do is make your present day worthwhile. Instead of looking back and having regrets, learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself and move on.

So, the next time you find your mind wandering off to the past, be determined to change the way you think and consciously concentrate on living in the present. This guide can help you:

10 Simple Steps To Let Go Of The Past

7. Face your Fears

You can never find motivation where there is fear. Identify the fear that is pulling you back and tackle it.

If you don’t face your fear head on, you cannot expect to conquer it and renew your motivation.

Ask yourself: What is stopping you? What are you scared of?

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Once you accept your fear, you can work on an action plan and think of solutions to overcome it. This article will give you some effective tips on conquering your fears:

How to Overcome Your Irrational Fears (That Stop You from Succeeding)

Seek external help if required but don’t choose to turn a blind eye over your fears – it will only aggravate matters.

8. Visualize your Success

You must have heard the famous quote, ‘see it to believe it’. That is exactly what visualization is about.

One of the most effective self-motivation techniques, visualizing the process to your desired outcome helps you move in a positive direction and achieve your goal.

Close your eyes and focus all your energies on the minutest of details that will take you where you want to reach. Doing this exercise everyday inspires you to keep going and not lose hope. The vision of attaining success will drive you to do better while instilling belief and confidence.

9. Find Inspiration

Can’t seem to find inspiration inwards? Don’t panic. There are plenty of external sources to gain inspiration from.

From motivational books and quotes to speeches, films and apps – it is a good idea to take help from motivational material to rekindle your spirits and regain your motivation.

Everyone is wired differently. For instance, a self-help book might work for your friend, but it might do nothing to move you. So, find what inspires you and turn to it when you are in desperate need for motivation.

Finding inspiration externally fills you with hope and sometimes that is all you need.

10. Enjoy Downtime

You are clearly exhausted with all the running you’re doing in life. So much, that you don’t even have time to stop and think what’s causing you so much unhappiness. All you know is that you are lacking motivation and everyday seems to have become a struggle.

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Now, that’s certainly not how you should live the rest of your life.

You need to schedule downtime for yourself, relax and give your mind and body some rest. Take a vacation, indulge in hobbies, meet some friends, put your hair down and stop with all the overthinking. It is important to do things that make you happy in order to think clearly and stay motivated.

11. Meditate Regularly

Meditation lets you take control of your mind. It improves focus and concentration while helping you relax.

Whenever you have had a tough day or find your thoughts going places, the best way to calm yourself down is by closing your eyes and meditating. It helps you to remove all the unnecessary frills in life and keeps you on the right track.

Include meditation in your daily schedule and you are sure to see an improvement in your productivity and motivation.

The Bottom Line

Practicing these simple exercises isn’t the tough part, what’s tough is religiously doing them every day.

However, don’t expect to get rid of your lack of motivation overnight. There will still be days when you will be low on energy but by making these conscious efforts to stay motivated, you are sure to see a vast change in your perspective and your response to bad days.

So, start today and be committed to making a positive change in your life.

More Tips About Staying Motivated

Featured photo credit: Sonnie Hiles via unsplash.com

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