Advertising
Advertising

5 Ways To Stop Fights In Relationships

5 Ways To Stop Fights In Relationships

When you experience fights on a consistent basis, your relationship can fall apart and the connection between you and your partner will break. Small arguments about who was supposed to do the dishes or take the kids to soccer practice can lead to big arguments that end in an all-out screaming match.

I know this is not what you want in your relationship. You want to be able to handle differences and misunderstandings in a way that is calm, collective and respectful. If you are committed to having a healthy and happy relationship, implementing ways to stop fights from ruining your relationship is key. Stress, frustration and differences between you and your partner are inevitable. It’s all about how you handle these differences as a team.

1. Be aware and understand your differences. 

Biologically, men and women are born differently. Men handle stress much differently than women. John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, explains the differences between men and women and how we can have loving, respectful and happy relationships with our partner.

Advertising

Personally, this book has helped my relationship with my husband. I understand his differences and he understands my differences. When men are stressed about something, they would prefer taking some quiet time alone to think and resolve their problems while women prefer talking about their problems in order to find solutions. This is just a one example. Without knowing these differences between men and women, we will continue to get into fights which can and may very well ruin the relationship.

Take the time to read this book and share your thoughts with your partner. Learn how you and your partner are different. It’s important to know how you’re different because you will become more mindful with how you handle arguments. This book has helped me better understand myself and better understand my husband. Implement the wisdom in the book, and you will notice your arguments decrease.

2. Take a “time out.”

When you are in a fight with your partner, you may say something that you don’t really mean. Because you are emotional and upset, it can be easy to just say whatever you feel without thinking if it will hurt your partner.

Advertising

When you catch yourself getting too emotional during a fight, take a step back and have a “time out”. It’s better to take time to cool off instead of continuing the fight and saying something you don’t really mean. When my husband and I experience an argument and I find myself getting too emotional, I take a step back and say that I need a “time out” from the argument. If my husband is experiencing the fight or flight response, he usually says that he needs some time to cool off. We wouldn’t get anywhere if we continued to point the fingers at each other and prove our point of view.

When you and your partner experience this, it is best to take a “time out” for a little while and get back to each other when the both of you are relaxed and calm. Maybe you would like to go for a walk or read. Find something else to do that will relax you so that you can get rid of the fight or flight response and think more rationally.

If one of you still wants to talk and not take a “time out”, it’s important for the person that wants a “time out” to express to their partner, “I love you. I will be back. I just need some time to cool off before I say something that I will regret.” You need to reassure your partner that you love them and that you will be back. When you have a fight with your partner, it’s crucial you make sure that you don’t do or say anything that you will regret. To avoid this from happening, make sure that you take a “time out” and reconnect when you are calm and collected.

Advertising

3. Open your ears and step into their shoes. 

The beauty about the human race is that we are all unique and have minds of our own. We are able to create our own philosophy and how we view life.

With that being said, your partner may have a different philosophy than you about different aspects of life. It’s important that you respect your partner’s philosophy. You can’t force your partner to have the same philosophy as you. A lot of couples try to change their partner, but wind up getting disappointed.

The only person you can change is yourself. Don’t be that person that has the philosophy of “My way or the highway.” Open your ears and step into your partner’s shoes when you are experiencing a disagreement. Open your ears and listen. Listen from their perspective. You may not agree with what they have to say, but be respectful and hear them out. When you are in a relationship, it’s not just about you. It’s about “us.” You have your philosophy and your partner has their philosophy. Be a good listener and step into their shoes.

Advertising

4. Decide today that you will not raise your voice.

It can be easy to raise your voice when you are in a fight with your partner. Because you are emotional and upset, raising your voice to prove your point can become second nature. This does nothing but add more fire to the flames. And the more fire there is, the harder it will be to put it out.

Decide and commit today that you will not raise your voice during an argument or disagreement. The last thing that you want to do is to hurt your partner. Be conscientious with the tone of your voice. If you catch yourself raising your voice, stop and lower your tone of voice. This can be a challenge, especially if you are experiencing the fight or flight response. Be more mindful and take a step back when you notice your voice raising. Not only will your partner appreciate this, but you are creating a good habit of not raising your voice.

5. Explore and get to the root of the hidden issues.

Does it seem like when you get into an argument with your partner, you fight about little things like not cleaning the litter box or watching too much TV? If the answer is yes, it’s likely there is a deeper issue in your relationship to blame.

A lot of couples try to fix surface-level issue such as jealousy, financial stress, communication, sex, religion, friends, children or in-laws. When you fix the surface level issues, the arguments may decrease, but only temporarily until a trigger causes another argument.

If you only fix surface level issues, you are not getting to the root of the problem. There is usually a deeper issue that needs to be resolved. You will continue to experience small arguments, which can ultimately ruin your relationship. Some hidden issues may include lack of affection, control, commitment, acceptance, trust, honesty, respect, and integrity. A way to stop fights in relationships is to get to the root of the problem and work as a team to resolve the issue.

More by this author

7 Things You Should Do To Stay Balanced And Happy When You’re Busy 10 Simple Ways To Keep A Fulfilling Relationship How To Lead The Quality Life You’ve Always Wanted Find Out How Not To Be Late Again With These Simple Steps 12 Powerful Habits of Happy Relationships

Trending in Communication

1 How to Get Motivated and Be Happy Every Day When You Wake Up 2 How to Start Over and Reboot Your Life When It Seems Too Late 3 7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer 4 If You Think You’re in an Unhappy Marriage, Remember These 5 Things 5 7 Practical Ways to Change Your Thinking and Change Your Life

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

Advertising

How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

Advertising

A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

Advertising

Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

Advertising

How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

More Resources About Job Interviews

Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

Read Next