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5 Critical Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage

5 Critical Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage

While mistakes can be a constructive factor, offering the experience of learning and the chance of improvement, some lack this attribute and can cause irreparable damage.

While it’s generally understood that cheating is the big NO-NO of any marriage, there are other mistakes–some overlooked most of the time–which can also lead to broken hearts and dreams. Here are five of the most common slips that can turn into critical mistakes:

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1.Expecting our partners to like everything we do and treating the differences as an omen.

We may have admired and envied the couples that are all smiles and “yes dear”, those who go everywhere together, take the same tennis class and watch the same TV programmes. “Why wasn’t I that lucky?” you may wonder to yourself. But do hold your thought as, “there’s something rotten in Denmark!” If in a marriage the partners like the same things every nanosecond, it’s either the case of one completely submitting to the other or only pretending to like for the partner’s sake. Frustrations accumulate and the peachy bubble will burst. The damage caused may be twice worse, as this won’t be the case of a mere argument, but of days and years of self-denial which now ask for the lion’s share.

Our parents accept and love us unconditionally even if we openly hate Humphrey Bogart. We should try and do the same with our partners. Accepting and embracing differences are the sign of a healthy marriage. We can go on our own or call a friend to join us for that latest Kate Winslet film–no need to make a fuss!

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2. Ending the girls’ or boys’ nights out.

We are social beings and now and then a night out with old time buddies should not be interpreted as a sign of boredom or a reason for jealousy. While the good ol’ banter may include small complaints about married life, it is actually a realisation that all marriages have their charming little flaws that actually make things work. Let’s call this therapy and it’s a bit easier to embrace now!

3. Misunderstanding intimacy.

While our partners may know every birthmark, wrinkle and hair on our bodies, some things just work a bit better if not shared, no matter how natural they may be. Unless it’s a serious problem, a medical condition when going into details is compulsory or advisable, the bowel movement information may just spoil the appetite. Sometimes it’s better if we don’t know how burgers are made. Let’s just say the same rule applies to our bodies.

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4. Comparison.

There’s no other enemy greater than comparison and thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Some couples abide by the “no dirty laundry in public” principle, others couldn’t care less. If a couple is not seen arguing, it does not mean they don’t do it–it’s just that they choose a more private place to solve their issues. I remember the shock when I happened to assist to such a couple’s quarrels and couldn’t believe it. I always imagined their marriage was nothing but milk and honey because that’s the image they had always let others see.  It is better accept that are some issues and work to solve those issues than pretend there’s nothing wrong. And it is always better “look only at what’s on your plate,” as my late grandpa used to advise. 

5. Not sharing the tasks around the house.

Gender equality will be a hot topic for the next 100 years to come. It’s just a handful of countries where women enjoy genuine gender equality. Others are only starting to enjoy the freedom offered by sanitary pads (here‘s an incredible Ted talk and video about the revolution started by Arunachalam Muruganantham) and others are caught in the middle juggling between their jobs and the chores they are still in charge of.

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If “porn for women” were understood in Susan Anderson‘s terms, with men contributing more to cooking and doing the laundry, women’s lives would not only become easier, but much enriched in terms of the respect and appreciation they are shown.

The experts of the Gottman Institute tell us that marriages based on a positive attitude where encouragement and respect are nurtured have always worked better. As long as there’s respect, differences will be accepted; out of respect our partners will not cheat on us and out of respect they’ll help us if we let them know what’s aching.

While it’s sometimes difficult and there are moments of doubt, married people are happier. I’m not saying it because I happen to be married, but because research has proven this. And I’d add we’re much kinder, patient and wiser–all because marriage teaches us how to be.

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Last Updated on January 16, 2020

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

The way you feel about yourself greatly influences how you live and interact with others. If you are confident about yourself, you tend to see yourself positively and actually enjoy spending time with and around people. You don’t feel self-conscious or awkward around others, and that allows you to live your fullest and happiest life.

However, if you’re drowning in a sea of self-doubt, hesitancy and shyness, you often withdraw and isolate yourself from others and avoid interacting and connecting with people. That anxiety you feel in the pit of your stomach when you are around people is holding you back greatly and it is not good for your emotional health and overall well-being. You need to do something about it if you are low in self-confidence or have friends or family members who are not confident.

“Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you’re better than everyone, it’s walking in not having to compare yourself to anyone” – Anonymous

Here are simple, practical tips to boost your confidence right now and make you feel and act your best.

1. Stop labeling yourself as awkward, timid or shy.

When you label yourself as awkward, timid or shy, you sub-consciously tell your mind to act accordingly and psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. Instead of labeling and entertaining negative self-talk, visualize and affirm yourself as confident and strong. Close your eyes for a minute and visualize yourself in different situation as you would like to be.

Be your own cheerleader. Experts believe that positive affirmation and good mental practices like picturing yourself winning or achieving a goal can lead to greater feelings of self-assurance and prepare your brain for success.[1] As the saying goes, “seeing is believing.” Picture yourself as confident and soon enough you will begin to manifest behavior that gives evidence to this new ‘fact.’

2. Recognize that the world is not focused on you (unless, of course, you are Kanye West).

That means you don’t have to be excessively sensitive about who you are or what you are doing (or not doing). You are not on the center stage; there is no need for preoccupation with self and perfectionism. As rap music star Rocko sings, “You just do you and I will do me, aight?”

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Forget about trying to please everyone or being perfect. Trying to be perfect and being a people-pleaser puts too much pressure on you and creates unnecessary anxiety. Besides, people are too preoccupied with their own issues to pay much attention to your every move unless, of course, you are a mega famous, super celebrity like Beyonce or Kanye West.

3. Focus on other people as opposed to yourself.

If you are low on confidence, self-conscious, nervous and shy in social situations, focus your attention on other people and what they are saying or doing instead of focusing on your own awkwardness.

For example, think about what it is that is interesting about the person who’s the centre of the party or the guy or girl you are talking with. Prompt them to talk more about themselves and be genuinely curious and interested in what they say. You will instantly come across as confident and warmhearted.

People generally want to talk about themselves, be heard and understood. They will love it when you’re eager and willing to listen to them and really hear what they have to say.

This habit of focusing more on what you love in others as opposed to what you dislike in yourself will not only help you become more assertive and comfortable in virtually all social situations, but also instantly make you feel great about yourself.

4. Know (and accept) yourself for who you are.

Chinese military general, strategist and philosopher Sun Tzu, author of the internationally acclaimed book The Art of War, said, “Know yourself and you will win all battles.” Even in the battle with lack of confidence, you will need to know yourself to win.

Knowing yourself starts with understanding that people are not all the same, neither are all social situation suitable for everyone. You might not be confident in large gatherings, but you could be bold and confident in one-on-one and small group interactions. We all have our own unique gifts and unique ways of expressing ourselves. Embrace yours!

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Introverts, for example, have a quiet confidence that is, unfortunately, often confused for shyness. They are naturally low key and prefer to spend time alone. However, this natural disposition affords them certain unique gifts, such as an ability to listen better than most people and notice things that others don’t.

Your uniqueness is where your strength and advantage lies. You won’t be comfortable and confident in all situations all the time. Albert Einstein said,

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

5. Crack a smile.

If there is one sure way to instantly boost your confidence, it’s cracking a smile. Christine Clapp, a public speaking expert at The George Washington University, says that flashing those pretty, pearly white teeth will immediately make you appear both confident and composed. But, the effect of smiling is not just external. Studies show that smiling can also help nix feelings of stress and pave the way for a happier and more relaxed you.[2]

Not a bad return for something seemingly so trite, wouldn’t you agree?

6. Break a sweat—with exercise.

Working out is another great way to make yourself feel amazing and confident. Science has shown that exercising increases your endorphins, helps reduce stress, tones your muscles and makes you feel happy and confident.[3]

And hey, all you have to do is take a walk a few times a week and you’ll see the benefits. What seems to matter—as far as your confidence goes—is whether you break a sweat, not how strenuous your session is, which is pretty cool. Start working out now.

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7. Groom yourself.

This might seem mundane, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and shave can have on your confidence and self-image. And when you spritz on a scent, the boost on confidence and self-esteem is incredible. As it turns out, your favorite fragrance does more than make you smell oh-so-nice.

A study found that a fragrance can inspire confidence in men. Interestingly, the study also found that the more a man likes the fragrance, the more confident he might feel. Another study found that 90% of women feel more confident while wearing a scent than those who go fragrance-free.

8. Dress nicely.

Another one that might seem trite, but it works. If you dress nicely, you’ll instantly feel good about yourself and give your confidence a real boost. That is largely because you’ll feel attractive, presentable and sometimes even successful in nice clothes.

While dressing nicely means something different for everyone, it does not necessarily mean wearing $500 designer outfits. It means wearing clothes that are clean, that you are comfortable in and that are nice-looking and presentable, including casual clothes.

9. Do activities you enjoy.

Whether it is reading a book, playing a musical instrument, riding your bicycle or going fishing, do what you really enjoy and what makes you truly happy often. It will boost your self-esteem, soothe your ego and allow you to identify with your gifts and talents. That will in turn bolster your self-belief and grow your confidence exponentially.

You might not become popular for doing what you love, but you might not even want to be popular at all. Being popular doesn’t make you happy; doing what you love does.

10. Prepare for the possibility of rejection / setback.

Late World No. 1 professional tennis player Arthur Ashe said, “One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation.” You need to prepare for the possibility of rejection and setback.

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Why?

Everybody suffers rejection and setback at one point or another. You are not exempted. The question on your mind, therefore, should not be if you will be rejected, but how you will handle rejection when it comes.

Prepare yourself adequately in every situation to minimize the risk and effect of rejection and so that your confidence is not broken. For example, learn public speaking and rehearse what you are going to say beforehand if you have landed a public speaking engagement. That way, you are sure of yourself and confident you have what it takes to hack it. If you are rejected, don’t take it personally.

Rejection and setbacks happen to the best of us. Take it as a learning experience. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

11. Face uncomfortable situations square in the face.

Don’t run away from uncomfortable situations. Running away from people or situations because you feel scared, shy or timid only confirms and reinforces your shyness. Instead, face the situation that makes you uneasy square in the face. For example, go ahead and talk to that person you are afraid to approach, or go straight to the front of your yoga class! What’s the worst that can happen?

Prepare and be ready for any eventuality. The more you face your fears, the more you realize you are stronger than you thought and the more confident you get. This simple, yet admittedly courageous, act makes you unstoppable. You get comfortable being uncomfortable and begin to feel like you can take on the world. And that is the hallmark of someone destined for great things.

12. Sit up straight and walk tall—you are awesome!

Yes, sit up straight and believe you are awesome. Don’t slump in your chair or slouch your shoulders. Experts say the right stance can not only keep your self-esteem and mood lifted, but also lead to more confidence in your own thoughts.[4]

The way to sit is to open up your chest and keep your head level so that you look and feel poised and assured. And when you get up, stand tall and walk like you’re on a mission. People who sit up straight and walk tall are more attractive and instantly feel more confident. Try it now: you’ll feel fierce and confident just by sitting up straight and walking tall.

Featured photo credit: Freshh Connection via unsplash.com

Reference

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