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5 Critical Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage

5 Critical Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage

While mistakes can be a constructive factor, offering the experience of learning and the chance of improvement, some lack this attribute and can cause irreparable damage.

While it’s generally understood that cheating is the big NO-NO of any marriage, there are other mistakes–some overlooked most of the time–which can also lead to broken hearts and dreams. Here are five of the most common slips that can turn into critical mistakes:

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1.Expecting our partners to like everything we do and treating the differences as an omen.

We may have admired and envied the couples that are all smiles and “yes dear”, those who go everywhere together, take the same tennis class and watch the same TV programmes. “Why wasn’t I that lucky?” you may wonder to yourself. But do hold your thought as, “there’s something rotten in Denmark!” If in a marriage the partners like the same things every nanosecond, it’s either the case of one completely submitting to the other or only pretending to like for the partner’s sake. Frustrations accumulate and the peachy bubble will burst. The damage caused may be twice worse, as this won’t be the case of a mere argument, but of days and years of self-denial which now ask for the lion’s share.

Our parents accept and love us unconditionally even if we openly hate Humphrey Bogart. We should try and do the same with our partners. Accepting and embracing differences are the sign of a healthy marriage. We can go on our own or call a friend to join us for that latest Kate Winslet film–no need to make a fuss!

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2. Ending the girls’ or boys’ nights out.

We are social beings and now and then a night out with old time buddies should not be interpreted as a sign of boredom or a reason for jealousy. While the good ol’ banter may include small complaints about married life, it is actually a realisation that all marriages have their charming little flaws that actually make things work. Let’s call this therapy and it’s a bit easier to embrace now!

3. Misunderstanding intimacy.

While our partners may know every birthmark, wrinkle and hair on our bodies, some things just work a bit better if not shared, no matter how natural they may be. Unless it’s a serious problem, a medical condition when going into details is compulsory or advisable, the bowel movement information may just spoil the appetite. Sometimes it’s better if we don’t know how burgers are made. Let’s just say the same rule applies to our bodies.

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4. Comparison.

There’s no other enemy greater than comparison and thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Some couples abide by the “no dirty laundry in public” principle, others couldn’t care less. If a couple is not seen arguing, it does not mean they don’t do it–it’s just that they choose a more private place to solve their issues. I remember the shock when I happened to assist to such a couple’s quarrels and couldn’t believe it. I always imagined their marriage was nothing but milk and honey because that’s the image they had always let others see.  It is better accept that are some issues and work to solve those issues than pretend there’s nothing wrong. And it is always better “look only at what’s on your plate,” as my late grandpa used to advise. 

5. Not sharing the tasks around the house.

Gender equality will be a hot topic for the next 100 years to come. It’s just a handful of countries where women enjoy genuine gender equality. Others are only starting to enjoy the freedom offered by sanitary pads (here‘s an incredible Ted talk and video about the revolution started by Arunachalam Muruganantham) and others are caught in the middle juggling between their jobs and the chores they are still in charge of.

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If “porn for women” were understood in Susan Anderson‘s terms, with men contributing more to cooking and doing the laundry, women’s lives would not only become easier, but much enriched in terms of the respect and appreciation they are shown.

The experts of the Gottman Institute tell us that marriages based on a positive attitude where encouragement and respect are nurtured have always worked better. As long as there’s respect, differences will be accepted; out of respect our partners will not cheat on us and out of respect they’ll help us if we let them know what’s aching.

While it’s sometimes difficult and there are moments of doubt, married people are happier. I’m not saying it because I happen to be married, but because research has proven this. And I’d add we’re much kinder, patient and wiser–all because marriage teaches us how to be.

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Last Updated on January 18, 2019

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

Some people will have a rain cloud hanging over them, no matter what the weather is outside. Their negative attitude is toxic to your own moods, and you probably feel like there is little you can do about it.

But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

If you want to effectively deal with negative people and be a champion of positivity, then your best route is to take definite action through some of the steps below.

1. Limit the time you spend with them.

First, let’s get this out of the way. You can be more positive than a cartoon sponge, but even your enthusiasm has a chance of being afflicted by the constant negativity of a friend.

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In fact, negativity has been proven to damage your health physically, making you vulnerable to high levels of stress and even cardiac disease. There’s no reason to get hurt because of someone else’s bad mood.

Though this may be a little tricky depending on your situation, working to spend slightly less time around negative people will keep your own spirits from slipping as well.

2. Speak up for yourself.

Don’t just absorb the comments that you are being bombarded with, especially if they are about you. It’s wise to be quick to listen and slow to speak, but being too quiet can give the person the impression that you are accepting what’s being said.

3. Don’t pretend that their behavior is “OK.”

This is an easy trap to fall into. Point out to the person that their constant negativity isn’t a good thing. We don’t want to do this because it’s far easier to let someone sit in their woes, and we’d rather just stay out of it.

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But if you want the best for this person, avoid giving the false impression that their negativity is normal.

4. Don’t make their problems your problems.

Though I consider empathy a gift, it can be a dangerous thing. When we hear the complaints of a friend or family member, we typically start to take on their burdens with them.

This is a bad habit to get into, especially if this is a person who is almost exclusively negative. These types of people are prone to embellishing and altering a story in order to gain sympathy.

Why else would they be sharing this with you?

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5. Change the subject.

When you suspect that a conversation is starting to take a turn for the negative, be a champion of positivity by changing the subject. Of course, you have to do this without ignoring what the other person said.

Acknowledge their comment, but move the conversation forward before the euphoric pleasure gained from complaining takes hold of either of you.

6. Talk about solutions, not problems.

Sometimes, changing the subject isn’t an option if you want to deal with negative people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be positive.

I know that when someone begins dumping complaints on me, I have a hard time knowing exactly what to say. The key is to measure your responses as solution-based.

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You can do this by asking questions like, “Well, how could this be resolved?” or, “How do you think they feel about it?”

Use discernment to find an appropriate response that will help your friend manage their perspectives.

7. Leave them behind.

Sadly, there are times when we have to move on without these friends, especially if you have exhausted your best efforts toward building a positive relationship.

If this person is a family member, you can still have a functioning relationship with them, of course, but you may still have to limit the influence they have over your wellbeing.

That being said, what are some steps you’ve taken to deal with negative people? Let us know in the comments.

You may also want to read: How to Stop the Negative Spin of Thoughts, Emotions and Actions.

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